Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar: The Last Airbender. Which is now over.sigh
Author's Note: I had this idea between The Ember Island Players and the finale, and I cried while composing it in my head, so I figured it had to be a good one. And with the way the series ended, it actually fits in.
I know we're all happy it ended up Kataang, but didn't it seem awfully abrupt? Was it too much to ask for a little dialogue? I mean, last we saw, Katara was shutting Aang down, then at the end, they're standing together like a married couple. Obviously, there was a lot we missed. This is my first attempt to fill in the blanks, but I'm sure there will be others.
Regret
"What did you do to Aang?" Zuko demanded, startling Katara.
"I didn't do anything," she responded.
"Well, maybe you need to do something."
"Why? What's the matter?"
"He's depressed and can hardly firebend," Zuko answered fiercely. "It's like he's having trouble finding the source of life inside him."
Katara felt herself getting angry. How could she have had anything to do with that? Besides, her relationship with Aang was none of Zuko's business. On the other hand, if what had passed between them during the play last night had affected Aang's firebending, she felt she had to give an answer.
"Look, he asked about our relationship, and I told him I was confused," she admitted grudgingly. "That's it!" A heavy silence followed this, and Katara turned to look at Zuko expectantly, her brow furrowed.
"You said what?" said Zuko finally, his tone low and ominous.
"What's wrong with that?" Katara was really confused now.
"To a guy, that's like…well, you might as well have driven one of your ice daggers through his heart. It would have been kinder."
Katara recoiled, struck by the violence of the metaphor.
"I don't understand. I was just trying to be honest with him."
"But you weren't, were you?" Zuko challenged her. He was looking at her in a way that was decidedly un-Zuko-ish, although she couldn't put her finger on what was wrong. "Not really. He wanted a definite answer, and you just gave him more uncertainty. Don't you know anything at all about men?"
"Well, excuse me for spending puberty in a village full of women and children!" she exclaimed, whirling on him in a mixture of anger and remorse. "I seem to remember that being the fault of your people."
"Tell him the truth…" Zuko advised as both his face and voice faded away.
Katara awoke in her room on Ember Island with tears in her eyes. It had only been a dream, but her conscience told her there had been a lot of truth to it. If it was possible she'd hurt Aang as much as the dream implied, she needed to do something about it. It was still late night – or early morning, depending on how you looked at it – but she didn't expect she'd go back to sleep until she made an attempt to rectify things with Aang.
She padded to his room and tapped softly. There was no response, so she pushed the door open. Aang wasn't there. His bed didn't even look slept in. She moved to the front door and saw him perched precariously on the porch railing. She just stood there for a few breaths, looking at the way the skin of his head and torso glowed in the moonlight. Her eyes rested on the ugly scar marring his back, the symbol of all her fears. She took a deep, steadying breath.
A board under her foot creaked when she stepped toward him, and his head turned. Once he'd recognized her, he returned his face to the moon.
"Hey, Katara. What are you doing up?"
Katara could have asked him the same question, but she didn't want to get sidetracked. Besides, she could guess why he couldn't sleep.
"I had trouble sleeping," she confessed. "I…hated the way we left things last night."
"Well, don't worry. I'm not going to make that mistake again," he promised, and the edge of bitterness in his voice tore at her.
"I'm sorry," she apologized. "I shouldn't have reacted that way, and I didn't really answer any of your questions. I owe you that."
"You don't owe me anything," he protested.
"Yes, I do. I think I may have accidentally misled you. I'm not confused about my feelings for you."
"You're not?" At last, he turned his head back toward her, curious but with wariness in his eyes. Katara hated that she'd made him distrust her in anything.
"No. The truth is, I love you."
"Right, like a brother," he recited flatly, eyes downcast.
"No!" Katara exclaimed, sighing with exasperation. He wasn't going to make this easy for her, but she'd brought it on herself. "Aang, I'm IN love with you, hopelessly, but I'm not sure what to do about it. I guess I'm not so much confused as…scared."
Aang's gaze had returned to her during this speech, but now he was the one who looked confused.
"Of what?" Then, in a smaller voice: "Me?"
"Of course not!" Katara laid a hand on his shoulder looked straight into his eyes. "I'm afraid of losing you again." She turned to grip the rail with both hands, staring out at the ocean. "You don't know what it was like, watching you…die." She had to force herself to say the word. It was something she'd never really dealt with, but maybe it was time.
"You haven't seemed to want to talk about that day," said Aang gently.
"I didn't. I still don't. But…I think I need to. I think you need to hear it." Katara took a deep breath before reluctantly immersing herself in the painful memory. "A lot of it is hazy to me, like a nightmare you'd rather forget. One image is burned into my mind, though – the moment the lightning struck you. I saw it go into your back, and you arched as the energy surged through your body." She shuddered, and a single tear spilled out of each of her eyes as she recalled her grief. "It was horrible. After that, everything that had been green turned red, and I…think I went into some sort of trance. Zuko tells me I did some really impressive waterbending, but I don't really remember. The only thing I know was that I had to get you to safety, and I vaguely heard Iroh telling me he'd hold them off. I didn't come back to myself until we were on Appa's back. I'm not even sure how we got there."
She fell silent and realized that her nails were digging into the wood. She concentrated on her hands, making them loosen their grip.
"I'm sorry, Katara." Now it was Aang's hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry you had to see that." Katara nodded acknowledgement, swallowing hard.
"The point is, I don't think I could survive another loss like that. I think I used the time you were unconscious to sort of…withdraw back into myself. I've been afraid of giving myself up to the way I feel for you. I guess I wanted to have something left if…you don't make it." She paused, thinking back over what she'd just said. "Ugh, it sounds really selfish when I say it like that, doesn't it?"
"Not really. We all want to survive," Aang assured her. He got a distant look in his eyes for a moment, and Katara wondered if they were still talking about her. Then, he sighed. "Maybe I should have learned better how to protect my heart."
"No!" Katara exclaimed. "I want you to be exactly the way you are. This is my weakness, and I'm glad you don't share it." She closed her eyes, upset with herself for not being able to take that next step toward him, the one she'd been dreaming about for months but was now too afraid to face.
Aang kissed one of the salty trails running down her cheeks. It was a heartbreakingly tender gesture, and Katara finally understood how Aang must have felt all the times she'd kissed him like that.
"I've always loved you, Katara, and I always will," he whispered, his breath warm and moist against her skin. Finally hearing him speak the words sent a shiver through her, and her entire world seemed to waver. Young as he was, she knew he meant every word. "I'll give you all the time and space you need," he added. Then, like an errant breeze, he was gone.
His utter sweetness broke Katara entirely, and she began sobbing in earnest. A distant, clinical part of her mind accused her of making that over-actor's portrayal of her somewhat accurate, after all, but most of her was too distraught to care. She wondered what marvelous twist of fate had placed such a person in her path, and what perversity in her own nature had caused her to throw him away.
By the time she'd cried herself out and the moon had disappeared, one thing was abundantly clear: she didn't deserve Aang.
It was something she would have to work on.
--
Author's Note: Zuko's part in the dream was inspired by my husband, who told me that telling a guy you're confused is the equivalent of saying "Take a hike." I'm sure Katara didn't see it that way, but she needed to realize what she'd done. Those of you following my writing already know that the conversation in Ember Island Players ticked me off. It finished just as uncertain about their relationship as it began, so why bother including it at all? I was also annoyed by the way they re-cut the kiss scene from DoBS to make it look like Katara was conflicted about it.
