They never talked about it. It didn't register as an option in their marriage. How was she going to tell him; would he be angry; would he be happy. She didn't know. She didn't even know if it was true. She had to wait till Monday when she had her half day. Was going to run into the village to discuss it with Dr. Clarkson. She was afraid that her lump was back bringing cancer along for the ride this time. This time it felt different a good different maybe? Even though she felt like she was knocking on deaths door.
Charles kept looking at her wishing she would let him in. all he wanted was to know what was wrong with his beloved wife. But that seemed too hard to ask when dealing the stubborn Scot.
Show would know on Monday.
What felt like an eternity was only two days but finally Monday came.
She left Downton with Mrs. Patmore by her side just like the first time. She knew it was wrong not to bring Charlie, but she was being selfish for once in her life and she wanted to be the one to break the news to her Charlie. So, taking Beryl Patmore was the next best thing. She couldn't face this alone and evens he could admit that.
Upon their arrival at the clinic a nurse directed them to an exam room where they were instructed to wait for Dr. Clarkson.
Twenty minutes later Dr. Clarkson arrived after some awkward small talk between the women and Elsie threatening to leave if Clarkson didn't show up soon.
"so, Mrs. Carson I hear you think your lump is back but with cancer this time" he stated not even sitting down wanting to get right to business as soon as possible.
"yes, well you see for the past few days now I've been feeling more tired than normal my breasts haven been abnormally sore and I've been throwin' up everythin' and anythin' I eat. Even though I really haven't been able to stomach a lot if any food at all. I hope that maybe it's just me going through the *cough* change but I have already done that" she whispered nervously
"well I can run a few tests if you'd like see what is wrong but I'm pretty sure that it sounds like you might be with child Mrs. Carson. Before you say it yes, it is possible for someone of any age to become pregnant it is just very unlikely once a woman goes through the change" Clarkson stated
"well I can assure you that I am not pregnant and under no circumstances can I become pregnant I was told that I was barren years ago when I was a wee lass that's why I even went into service" Elsie scoffed it was a wound she never knew how to heal and just the mere thought of having children or children in general hurt her more than she ever thought possible
"well the only way to know for sure is to run a test now I will need a urine sample in this cup for the test the loo is right around the corner whenever you are ready" he stated handing her a cup "now I know someone some time ago has told her that you couldn't have children and this may be painful for you but I need you to do this Mrs. Carson for your sake and for that of the child you may or may not be carrying"
"aye your right Dr. Clarkson" Elsie sniffed silently walking towards the lavatories
"Well that was better news then I thought it would be" Beryl said as they walked back to the abbey
"yes, it is but you mustn't tell anyone not even Mr. Carson not till I know for sure and even then, till I know for sure it will last" Elsie said turning towards her friend. She was in a trance of sorts as they walked towards the abbey towards her husband the man who may have or may not have given her everything she ever dreamed of in life. Even though she didn't know how she was going to tell Charlie she didn't know what to think or say or even do now.
She didn't plan this.
After doing what she was told she was told to go home and rest because they wouldn't have the results in for another week or so.
On the way back to the abbey she swore Mrs. Patmore to secrecy not wanting Charlie to know till they were certain that they were going to be parents.
When they reached the abbey, she let Carson know she was going to be in her old rooms resting and to kindly bring her up dinner when everyone was done before they headed for home that night. She saw the worry in his eyes so she soother him with and I'm fine you old booby and a sweet kiss before she headed upstirs to lie down. Truth be told she was tired.
Upon reaching her old rooms she laid down on her old bed. Pulling the covers to her chin she absent mindedly placed her hand on her stomach and started to stroke it in soothing circles with her finger tips ghosting over her abdomen. She began to hum an old tune her mam used to sing to her. She always wanted children, but her life and job always seemed to get in the way of her settling down.
But now with the prospect of having a child she was scared. She saw what had happened to Becky because of her mother's age. She didn't want that for her child she didn't want her child to suffer the same fate.Stop being so daft women.She chastised herself. She refused to believe she was pregnant without proof no matter how much she wanted to.
Despite telling herself it wasn't going to happen she started to talk to the possible unborn child.
"you know my love if you are real you're going to make your mammy the happiest women on earth. I just hope your da feels the same. Please be my little miracle the answer to all my prayers" Elsie whispered before falling asleep a few stray tears cascading down her porcelain cheeks
Later when Mr. Carson brought up a tray filled with food fit for two. waking her sweetly with a kiss.
"mmm Mr. Carson" she moaned waking from her slumber
"I brought us up some dinner my love" he whispered kissing her forehead brushing a strand of hair off her face.
"Mmmm" she mumbled as she turned over towards him with her hand still placed lovingly on her stomach. Truth be told she was having a wonderful dream of her and Charlie and a little baby laying in Charlie's arms as she gently brushed her finger tips through her bairn's hair. She was so happy but sadly it was only a dream.
"I am quite puckish" she stated sitting up against the head board.
"ah yes well I'm glad to hear your appetite is back" Mr. Carson grinned placing the try over her lap.
"I don't think it will last very long if I keep getting sick after everything eat" she sighed
"how did your appointment with Clarkson go to my love" Charles asked as they finished the tray of food
"well it didn't go as expected but I go back on Wednesday next week and I'm sure it will be good news for me" she replied smoothing her blanket as she stood to put on her shoes.
"what do you mean you have to go back Wednesday next week didn't he give you an answer" he sounded scared like he thought something was wrong
"well not exactly he gave me a possibility but let's not talk about this now I wish to get home and to bed" she said kissing his cheek and she passed by him on her way out the door
"as you wish M'lady" he said offering her his arm to begin the long track to their love nest as Mrs. Patmore so lovingly named it
Upon arriving home Mrs. Hughes bolted for the bathroom with a worried Carson standing stunned in the door way before he collected himself enough to go find out what was wrong with his wife.
"are you alright my darling" He called through the locked door
"I'm fine go away I don't wish for you to see me in this state" she whimpered in answer
"I don't care what state you ae in I am your husband and I love you and I wish to make sure you are okay in sickness and in health" he stated
"fine I guess you 'll find out any way" she said standing and walking towards the door opening it to see a worried Charles Carson standing against the door frame to steady himself
"find out what exactly? What did Clarkson tell you today" he questioned following her into the bedroom where she proceeded to strip and prepare for bed
"well yes but it is not certain yet so I shan't worry you about it" she replied turning her back to him "would you unhook me please" even though she had many years practice taking her corset off this brassiere this was still new to her and she found it was easier if her husband simply stripped her of it
"what is not certain, yet Elsie I must know, or I will go mad with worry" he stated standing in the middle of the bedroom his wife's brassiere in hand as Elsie pulled her nightgown over her head
"fine if ye must know then I'll tell ye" she stated walking up to him and grabbing his hand and placing it on her stomach "I'm Pregnant"
"but… but how" Charles asked after several minutes of stunned silence
"well if you need an explanation I'm not sure how you could have managed to get me pregnant in the first place" she growled turning from him and lifting up the covers on the bed and lying in bed pulling the cover up to her chin burying her face in the pillow she didn't want him to see her crying
Not even bothering to change his clothes he got into bed next to her shoes and all " Elsie darling I know how it happened I was just shocked I thought we were both past that stage in our lives" he sighed reaching out other placing his hand uncertainly on her hip rubbing it gently with his thumb " and if we have been blessed with a child then I shall be thehappiest man on earth"
"Really. I thought you would be angry with me after all we both thought we were past this part in life" She sniffled turning to look at him with blotchy red eyes
" I am certain I could never be mad at you for being pregnant love in fact I dreamt of what our children would look like I just never thought it would happen for us" He replied leaning in to kiss her confirming his feelings on the subject
"Oh my Charlie" she cried throwing her arms around his neck as her tears started to flow again "I'm so scared" she cried
"why my darling lass I'm sure everything will be alright" Charles murmured into her hair
"cause my mam had Becky late in life and you saw what happened with her. I want our baby to stand a chance" she was crying into his chest now
"my darling Elsie I know I can't you promise you that nothing will happen but that is life, but I can and will say this let's not worry about that now we will take everything one step at a time. And if we find out that you aren't pregnant heaven forbid that from happening but if it does we will have our minds put to rest but if you are pregnant and what happened to Becky happens to our baby then so be it the child will be so loved and cherished it won't know the difference." He soothed pulling her closer to him and kissing her forehead lovingly
"I do hope you are right Charles" she sighed
"me too love me too" he whispered against her hair "now get some rest"
The week passed slowly for the couple. Mrs. Hughes still got sick like clockwork every few hours sometimes even minutes.
Once she was checking in on the children who were down for their afternoon nap and she found herself smiling with tears brimming in her eyes and her hand gently stroking her abdomen. Praying that Dr. Clarkson was right and that her and Charles would have a babe to love and cherish in 9 months' time. Yet she still refused to allow herself to believe it. She was letting the fears of what happened to Becky to control her. She didn't like but she couldn't stop it.
Charles was having issues of his own, when it came to the shocking news his wife gave him. He knew we would be over the moon if it were true and if it weren't well he would be crushed. Yet something was stilling holding him back from being fully encased in the potential babe that his beloved wife might be carrying.
Maybe it was Becky, maybe it was the fear that he would turn out just like his old man a drunkard, who stepped out on his family regularly and abused his wife then later his son because his son wouldn't allow his mum to be hurt any longer. He shuttered at the thought and wiped his tears, stealing himself Elsie would be arriving at any moment and he couldn't have her worried about him let alone bring her into his past.
When Elsie appeared in his office door coat and hat in place he stood to leave with her. It was Wednesday, and they were going to find out whether they should buy a crib and clean the spare room in the cottage for a baby or not.
"ready" she asked her stomach in knots she had been both dreading and anticipating this day for a whole week
"yes, let me grab my hat and we shall be off" he answered calmly
"Alright" she said stepping towards the door
"shall we" he asked offering her his arm
"we don't really have a choice now do we Charlie" she retorted with a chuckle
"I guess not" he said dryly he wasn't in the mood for her witty retorts
Upon arriving at the doctor's office, they stood at the entrance only stopping because Elsie stopped whimpering an "I can't" and turning to run before Charles stopped her his hand on her hip
"what can't you do my angel" he questioned gently
" I cant go in there and find out we aren't having a baby. Because I've tried not to let myself believe but I found myself thinking about how it would feel when the baby kicked or how amazing it will be to have a babe at my breast or how amazing of a father you will be for our child. I've yearned for a child to give all my love to and I can't have that man in there crush the last of my hope" she sobbed not looking him in the eye
"look at me love" he said gently lifting her chin "I know this is scary but we are in this together and I need you to trust me. We will go in there and Dr. Clarkson will give us the best news or the worst but we will come out together just like we have always done" he soothed pulling her into his embrace "now wipe those tears and lets go find out we are having a baby or not"
"Ok" she hiccupped wiping her tears and taking his hand
After sitting in the waiting room for what felt like hours but was only ten minutes they were called back to Dr. Clarkson's office.
"give it to us straight Clarkson am I or am I not with child" Elsie said before she even sat down
"Elsie love let the man talk I'm sure he was getting ready to tell us" Charles soothed
"Thank you, Mr. Carson, and Mrs. Carson I understand your need to know whether or not you are with child, but first I need to know if you're ok with it if you are ad that you won't go somewhere to heaven forbid it but to get rid of the "problem" per say" Dr. Clarkson said looking at the couple
"how dare you make such accusations Richard you of all people know that I wouldn't do such a thing to my child" Mrs. Hughes cried her hand shaking as she though she wished to slap him, but she refrained due to Charles taking hold of her hand to calm her. He had met her mama bear side and he knew Clarkson didn't want to meet that side of Elsie. Even though he himself was appalled by Dr. Clarkson's words
"I meant no impertinence by it but I have to ask" Dr. Clarkson replied
"well you sure did come off impertinent" Elsie scoffed
"now love I know you're offended but let the man speak or we may never find out" Charles said
"as I was saying Mrs. Carson I don't know if this is happy news or not but congratulations you're pregnant Mrs. Carson" Dr. Clarkson smiled looking Elsie in the eye as tears brimmed in his eyes.
"are you sure" she breathed tears glistening her eyes
"aye I'm sure" he replied
"oh…… oh Charlie …… oh I don't know what to say" Elsie cried "Thank you Dr. Clarkson"
"we best be on our way if there isn't anything else you wish for us to know" Charles said looking at the doctor expectantly
"well other than Mrs. Clarkson taking care of herself and that I want you to take it easy as you know with your age this pregnancy won't be easy it will be very touch and go but I'm sure everything will be just fine" Dr. Clarkson said " I would like to see you back here inlets say two weeks"
"I will do anything and everything if it assures my child a chance to live and their safety Dr. Clarkson" Elsie smiled following her husband out the door after shaking Dr. Clarkson's hand
"aye I know you will lassie" Dr. Clarkson whispered when they were gone a bitter sweet smile on his face
It has been a month since the news of their impending arrival and Mrs. Carson couldn't be anymore happy then she has been even though there has been an unspoken rift between man and wife ever since they were given the news. She was going to get to the bottom of it even if it was the last thing she did.
When they got home, Charles went to the kitchen to get tea and Elsie headed toward the bedroom to bathe.
After getting out of the bath Elsie realized she forgot her night dress so she wrapped her robe around herself and walked to her bed. In passing she caught a glimpse of herself in the looking glass that had standing in the corner of their room. Stopping she walked over to it opening her robe and slowly dropping it from her shoulders she stared at her body. Her hand roaming down her body as if trying to find every ridge and imperfection of her body. Noticing every fault line, every stretch mark, everything that made her self-conscious about her body. Her hand unconsciously moved to her stomach knowing that within the new few months t would grow to accommodate her baby. She was over the moon with joy whenever she thought about her baby. She feared that she was no longer desirable to Charles and that he regretted their child and she didn't think she could bare either. Before she knew it tears where running down her cheeks her hand clasped itself over her mouth to soften the sobs that where escaping her lips like rain. Her free hand protectively wrapped around her abdomen.
"Elsie" Charles questioned walking in to his wife sobbing quietly to herself half naked her rob hanging off her left shoulder
"oh… oh Charlie" Elsie cried turning to him a look of surprise on her face
"whatever is the matter my beautiful wife" He asked reaching out to take her hand only to have it ripped away from him as though he had burned her with his touch
"Am I so undesirable that you would want nothing to do with me Charles you won't touch me you barely even look at me the way you use to before you found out I had become pregnant" she growled " but is that is so I'm sorry if I have become undesirable to you I will do everything in my power to fix that once the baby is born and I know that you didn't exactly want this child Charles but I can't get rid of it but I will keep it out of your sight and you way as much as I can and if it comes to I then I guess I will leave and take the child with me. All I ask is that you forgive me, but I love this child so much already" Elsie was crying now her breathing raged her chest heaving up and down with every breath.
"Oh Elsie lass I do find you so terribly desirable more so now than I ever thought possible there is nothing more alluring then the women you love carrying you child. as for not wanting this child I do I have wanted nothing more then to start a family with you Els. May I ask what brought this all on love" Charles asked
"well ever since we found out about the baby you can't look at me let alone look me in the eyes and I can't help but wonder why" Elsie said trailing her hand down her arm to place her robe back on her should covering her up because she was suddenly self-conscious
"oh my darling I allowed my fears if becoming a father control me and now I've hurt you" he cried
"why are you so afraid obviously you father did a wonderful job because he raised you" Elsie sniffled
"that's the point Elsie he was a drunkard and he would come home and beat my mother when I was too small the know any better and when I grew up he would beat me instead for standing up for my mother" Charles sighed
"Oh Charlie" Elsie cried wrapping her arms around him I didn't know I'm such a terrible wife how I could I not know"
"you are not a terrible wife, I didn't want you to know, I'm ashamed of that part of my life. Especially with our little miracle on the way I didn't want you to have any extra stress. I thought I could and that I was getting over it, but obviously I couldn't and now it has you doubting my love for you" he sounded so hurt. Feelings from his childhood when all he ever wanted was his father's approval " why wasn't I good enough for him I could never do anything right in his eyes oh god I'm such a failure look what I've done to my pregnant wife" Charles was near sobs at this point so many emotions from his childhood where surfacing things he hadn't thought of or dealt with since he went into service.
"now you listen to me Charles Carson you are not a failure and that man that called himself you father was not a man but a coward and you my love will be the best father to our baby that any baby could ask for. You my love are the by far the greatest man I know you are so gentle so kind so loving with the children at the abbey that I makes me fall in love with you all over again every time I see you with them. Just know that we are in this together Charlie and I love you" Elsie soothed taking her shaking husband into her arms rubbing his back in soothing circles gently digging her nails into his back in a soothing manner. The second he was in her arms his hands opened the abdomen of the robe needing to be as close to their child as he could.
"do you really mean that" he whispered tears falling down his withered cheeks causing her heart to drop it was hard for her to see her big bear of a man crumble as though he was a child
"aye with everything that I am" she said placing her hand his that where resting on her bare abdomen
"I love you so very much Elsie May Carson" he whispered into her hair sniffling as his tears slowed down
"I love you too Charles Ernest Carson now take me to bed" she sighed into him
"anything for you my darling Scottish lass" he scooped her up and carried her the remaining steps to their four-poster bed
Two months had passed since that night and they couldn't be any happier. Elsie was now four months pregnant and had started to show around her third month much to the joy of both Mr. and Mrs. Carson
they were lying in bed one morning just holding each other it was their day off and they were going to enjoy a lie in, when out of nowhere Elsie released a gasp in surprise "oh" she cried
"what… what's wrong" Charles jumped placing his hand on her stomach ever the protective father trying to somehow protect both her and their unborn child from whatever happened.
"nothing's wrong Charlie everything is just perfect. I'm pretty sure our little monkey just made their presence known by moving" Elsie smiled as tears of joy brimmed in her eyes
"oh, Elsie that wonderful" Charles smiled at her kissing her on the lips passionately
"I'm so happy we got to do this ever since I met you I have wondered what our child would look like who I would act like, or what it would be like to even carry your child and to feel the wee one move inside me with your hands on my stomach trying to feel in move at every possible time. I imagined a wee lad with your thick curly black hair and maybe my eyes, but he would be the spitting image of his ever-handsome father definitely a heart breaker. Or his little sister or very own little lass my hair and your eyes who would be the perfect mix of both her parents with my temper and her daddy's soft heart definitely daddy's little princess" Elsie sighed nuzzling into his embrace kissing his chest soundly several times over where his heart resided
"I always thought of our little lass as a mini you" Charles chuckled kissing his wife's head as his hand roamed around her back occasionally slipping below her waist to give her bum a gentle squeeze.
"hmm I wander what our bairn will look like" Elsie mussed snuggling into husband's embrace playing with his salt and pepper chest hair. At approximately four months pregnant Elsie looked like she was six months along. So snuggling into her husband arms she knew would soon become difficult at this angle something that made her sad.
"I'm going to miss this when you get bigger in the coming months, but I wouldn't change our having a child for the world" Charles said placing a kiss on her temple. And a firm squeeze on her hip where he held her while his other hand drew gentle shapes on her abdomen
"aye me too Charlie" Elsie whispered drifting into a peaceful sleep.
Now in her fifth month of pregnancy Elsie's dreadful morning sickness which had relentlessly badgered her for the past four and a half months had suddenly stopped. No longer able to hide her pregnancy her and Charles decided it was best to inform lord and lady Grantham of their joyous impending arrival a month before.
A month ago
Four months pregnant
"M'lady I was wondering if Mr. Carson and I could have a word with you. That is if you have the time" Elsie asked when Cora left her bedroom that morning after eating breakfast
"why of course Mrs. Hughes, actually lord Grantham and I are free right now that is if you and Mr. Carson can spare a minute" Cora replied "I do hope everything is alright Mrs. Hughes
"everything is just fine M'lady" Elsie replied "I will go find Mr. Carson and meet you in the library"
"I'll go fetch Robert" Cora smiled
After rounding up their husbands both couples met in the library and after mich coaxing from Cora both couples where sat opposite on the parallel settees in the room.
"what is that you wished to speak to us about Mrs. Hughes" Robert questioned
"well Milord it seems as though come approximately mid- August Mr. Carson and I will be welcoming a babe for I am with child" Mrs. Carson stated reaching out for her husband's hand for support
"why that wonderful news Mrs. Hughes Congratulations to you both isn't that wonderful Robert" Cora beamed standing up to go congratulate the happy couple
"thank you, milady," Mr. Carson replied
"job well done old chap" Robert grinned as his wife fawned over Elsie asking how she was fairing and how far along she was.
"I was hoping milady that if it's alright with you if I may stay on with my job and take a few weeks off once that baby arrives then take the babe with me while I work" Elsie asked
"of course, Mrs. Hughes of course since little Carson will is due during the season we will take Thomas along to be on standby if Mr. Carson where to leave to get to you." Cora replied completely oblivious to the outrageous idea
"thank you, your ladyship," Elsie smiled keeping her temper in check
"I of course understand how tiring pregnancy can be so if there is anything I can do or anything you need come right to me especially if our Carson here is being to over bearing" Cora giggled
"thank you, Milady, now if you'll excuse me I must get back to work" Elsie said standing and walking out of the library. Once she was in the safety of her sitting room. Elsie sighed placing her hand on top of her stomach just under her breasts feeling her babies strong kicks "oh my wee bairn you are my miracle" she whispered a tear escaping her eye and flowing down her cheek wiping it away with the back of her hand she got back to work a smile on her face and a giggle on her lips every time her bairn moved.
A week later they were lying in bed on their day off their hands interlocked over her sweaty round stomach. This had become their normal when they were alone in their little world that was their cottage especially after they had made love when their child was the most active.
"I want you there with me Charlie" Elsie blurted "you know when my time comes"
"well I certainly wasn't expecting that" he chuckled nervously rubbing his thumb over her abdomen gently
"I know it's not exactly proper and all, but Charlie I don't know if I could do it without you and if I die then I want you there as the last thing I see" Elsie sniffled they hadn't talked about the very real possibility of her dying during the birth of their child. Every time she brought up the subject he would change the subject immediately.
"you know I can't fathom you dying please let's not talk or think that way love, but you know I can't refuse you, so I will be there with you for better or worse supporting you through everything" he sighed kissing her tears away
"I know you don't like it but it must be discussed love if I do die I want you to take our son or daughter and do not resent them for they are not the cause of my death love them as you've loved me let them know how much their mummy loved them and still loves them and…. And that I wish the for him and that I wish I could watch then grow" Elsie was sobbing now her head pressed tightly to her husband's chest
"oh, my Elsie I pray that it may never come to that my love, but I promise you I will love and cherish our child for the rest of my days as I love and cherish you" Charles cried kissing her hair as he silently sobbed into her hair. The mere thought of her dying was killing him slowly piece by tiny piece "oh my love I can't live without you promise me you will fight for our child and fight to stay with me. I love you so much my angel"
"I love you too my old curmudgeon and I will fight with everything in to come back to you my darling bear of a man" she kissed his lips wiping away his tears
She was standing in the kitchens chatting with Mrs. Patmore her hand placed lovingly on top of her much larger stomach belly of six months pregnant.
"I don't think it is a lass Mrs. Patmore I think it is a lad it just feels like it is a lad Mrs……… ohhh hmmmm what the hell "Elsie moaned as a sharp pain ran through her lower abdomen her mind doing a complete 360 to the thought that she was miscarrying her baby "NO NO NO NO" she sobbed
"Mrs. Carson what's wrong" Beryl rushed to her friend's side "Daisy go get Mr. Carson and then ring Dr. Clarkson"
"Beryl" Elsie whimpered barely managing through her tears "it's too early I can't lose my baby"
"I'm sure everything will be just fine Elsie" Beryl reassured not only the distraught mother but also herself help Elsie to a seat
"what if it's not beryl what if I lose my baby I love this baby so much already I don't think I could bear losing it" Elsie was hyperventilating working herself up to the point of not being able to breath her hand not leaving her stomach trying to feel the baby move. Charles came barreling into the room having pushed past Daisy due to his need to get to his wife as soon as possible.
"what happened" he cried rushing over to comfort his hysterical wife
"I don't know what's happening we were talking then I got a really sharp pain in my stomach" Elsie coughed "oh god its back" she cried moaning as she reached out to grab her husband's arm
"everything will be alright my love" Charles soothed picking her up gently carrying her to her old rooms "it just has to be" he whispered once he set her down on the bed
"I think I'm losing our baby Charles. I'm so sorry oh god my baby" Elsie cried their hands clasped together on her stomach both trying to feel their child fearing the worst and wanting to have as much time with their child as possible before they lost it.
