Disclaimer: Of course I don't own any of the characters that you recognize. All the rights belong to TPTB who had the nerve to cancel the show.
Title: Belonging
Author: Annabelle Crane
Genre: General, Angst
Pairing/Characters: Bobby/Alex
Rating: T
Summary: Bobby reflects on his therapy sessions and his job
Warnings: Season 10 Spoilers
Notes: Feedback is good for my soul, and for yours too :D
Acknowledgments: Much thanks to my pre-reader Diane (andromida1964). She is awesome!
Belonging by Annabelle Crane
He really could not believe how things ended up this way. He was sitting in a car next to her and he had lied, again. She knew that he was lying but she did not call him on it. They were both scared, terrified actually. Ask them to face down the biggest evil serial killer, sure no problem. Ask them to talk about their feelings; well they both would rather be water tortured. At least he would.
So there Bobby Goren sat, next to his partner, Alex Eames. His mind was trying to focus on the details that she was sharing about the crime scene they were going to. However, he kept drifting back to his therapy sessions, mulling over each one.
Why had he reacted so violently to the idea of someone questioning his relationship with Eames? He and she both knew that their relationship was strictly professional; they never gave any hint to having any kind of relationship than friendship. Sure, he felt protective of her. She had been his only consistent partner, putting up with him for a decade. She could have moved ahead in the ranks but instead she stood up for him and was willing to give up her chance to be a Captain. She had felt so morally tainted by having to fire him that she could no longer stand to be part of NYPD.
He actually had to beg her to come back when Hannah made Captain and asked him to come back. He had told Hannah that there was no way that he could come back without Eames. That day Hannah gave him a strange look and the speculation of outsiders started, again.
"It's not like that Joe," he shook his head at his long time friend. "You know me."
"Yeah, I know what a good liar you can be when you want to be," Hannah had replied.
Eventually Hannah gave in and offered Eames her job back. She was not going to take it.
"It's not right Bobby," she huffed at him. They were sitting in a diner. "Why should we go back? How is it going to be any different? They still don't trust you."
"I know," he said. He rubbed his hand over his face and through his hair. "But, think about Alex, they are letting me go back. I'll get my full status back. It is really a win."
"You'll have to go to therapy," she countered. "You hate that idea of going, they know you won't comply."
"I know," he leaned back and closed his eyes. "But what choice do I have. I am too old to learn how to do anything else."
"You are not old," she said and then laughed. "Okay, maybe a little old. But I am sure there are a lot of things you can do. Like guest lecture or something like that."
"And what about you?" He looked at her. "What are you going to do?"
She broke eye contact with him and looked out the window. "Eat bon-bons and get fat." Then she laughed and looked back at him. "I don't know Bobby, but I'll figure it out. I can do some part time work as a security guard or something. Maybe take a few courses at Queensborough CC."
"You would hate community college," he told her flatly.
She shook her head again, for the twentieth time in the last hour, "Probably. That still does not mean that jumping back into bed with NYPD would be a good idea." He gave her a look and she swatted at his hand. "You know what I mean. I really do not like the idea of mandatory therapy for you, the whole thing seems like a setup."
"It probably is," he nodded thoughtfully. "But I will be the best uncooperative patient ever."
"Don't joke," she glared at him. "You know if you are not compliant or found unfit to return to full duty they will re-fire you in a heartbeat, there will be no chance of probation."
"I'll be good," he lied to her. "Promise, there will only be full cooperation from me. As long as you agree to go back with me."
She crossed her arms in front of him. And then let out a breath. "I know I am going to regret this, but fine. I will go back but you have to get your butt reinstated fully because I am not staying there without you."
"No," he snapped. She jumped slightly. "Sorry," he took her hands gently in his. "Promise me that whatever happens you won't quit again."
"I can't promise that," she replied. "I won't work for hypocrites."
He should have told her at that moment that she would not be able to work with him. He was the biggest hypocrite that he knew. Luring his partner back into job security; knowing full well that he would not be able to stay himself. Therapy would not be for him, he knew that at the time, but he promised her that he would try.
So when Hannah forced him to go to his first session he did. He did not want to; he knew that it would not go well, and that with each passing session he would be getting closer to his last day of employment by the NYPD.
He was borderline hostile with Dr. Gyson. She was new and represented a threat that was going to take him away from everything that he cared about. Everything he had left in his life; of course he was hostile. Was it healthy that he had nothing in his life other than the NYPD? No, of course not, but he did not need to hear that from her.
"How did it go?" Alex asked him tentatively after his first session. He shrugged his response. "Bobby," her voice had a warning tone to it.
"I didn't yell at her," he offered.
"Well that's something," she let out a sigh. He knew it was a sigh of relief. "Come on, we have to get back to One PP. Hannah wants a word."
That was the end of that conversation. His next few sessions went much the same way. She always dropped him off and picked him up; he knew it was because she did not trust him to go of his own volition. It should bother him but he knew that she just cared. When he got back into the car she always asked him how it went, he always made a non-committal response. She never pressed for answers, she never would.
Not until the day that he came out of the session early and raging.
"Bobby!" she was shocked. "Bobby what happened?"
"I don't want to talk about it," he seethed in the passenger seat. "They are going to take my badge back. You were right; this whole thing was a setup. I am not going back there and talking to that, that woman!"
"Okay," she tried to sound calm. "Well then, we'll just finish this case up and we'll both go in and hand in our badges."
"No!" he shouted at her. He turned her and saw the anger in her eyes. "You can't just quit Alex. You deserve to be there."
"So do you!" she shouted back at him. "You are the smartest one there; no one there can do what you do."
"You can't throw away your career just because," he struggled. "Because I am unstable. Maybe they are right, maybe I am not safe to be around, and you should get as far away from me as possible, before I bring you down with me."
"No," she shook her head at him. Her face was red with her own anger and tears had started to well up in her eyes. "You don't get to do this! You do not get to decide what is right or wrong for me. And you most certainly do not get to give up." She grabbed his face in her small hands and forced him to look at her. "You listen to me Bobby, there is nothing about you that is unstable. Sure, sometimes you go too far," she smiled when he rolled his eyes. "Okay all the time, but that is what makes you such a good Detective. You are able to push the boundaries that the rest of us can't. Of course it is bound to have an effect on you." She sighed. "I know you don't want to hear this right now but, therapy has been good for you. You have been more relaxed. You have been nicer to the other officers. You are sleeping better."
"How do you know I am sleeping better," he tried to joke.
She laughed, "I have my ways. The point is that this has been good for you and you can't just give up because it got hard."
"It wasn't just hard," he frowned. "She said, well I can't even, it's just not. I can't go back there."
"Okay," she released his face and sighed. "You don't have to go back but you can't just give up, not if you aren't going to let me quit too," she winked at him.
"You play dirty." He laughed at her. "Alright, I won't give up just yet. I'll give it a week. But I am not going back there. Not to her, she is a crack pot."
"Aren't all therapists?" she smiled at him.
He did go back. It had taken a lot of coaxing from her though. She begged, offered him the Santa Mug, and then downright threatened to kidnap him and drag him kicking and screaming to Dr. Gyson. He would have paid good money to see that happen. What would Dr. Gyson have said about that, given the fact that she thought that he was in love with his partner.
Then it was time for his last session, he did not know if he was more scared or relieved. He went by himself this time. Alex had paperwork that she had to finish up and he slipped out while she was in Hannah's office. Today was the day Dr. Gyson would tell him if he would be allowed to stay in Major Crimes and it would be easier to hear the news knowing if Alex was safe at One PP and not waiting for him. If he was going to be walking out of the session without his badge he wanted to make sure that she was the last to find out.
When he walked through the doors of Dr. Gyson's office he could not quite believe it, he still would be able to work with Alex. Dr. Gyson was not going to take his job away which meant he would still be able to work with Alex every day. Then he stopped, and shook his head. What was wrong with him? This was not supposed to be about her, other than making sure she had her job back. This was supposed to be about him, making sure that he was able to work again. He was going to be dealing with his anger management issues because otherwise he would get fired again. Not because if he got fired he would probably never see her again, right?
"Hey space cadet," she waved her hand in front of his face. "We are here."
"Sorry," he mumbled.
"That last session was really that good huh?" she gave him a smug look. "Be careful or I'll have to report you to Hannah."
"Hardly," he shook his head at her. "She's not my type."
"Sure," she dragged out the word. "Smart and pretty, not your type."
"I've always preferred blondes," he shrugged and quickly exited the car before she could respond.
She did not say anything and they walked quietly into the bank. She went over to the officers and started to take notes from them. He started to look over the crime scene. He could do this, he could make things go back to normal; just ignore everything that he was going through.
He honestly could not believe that he came that close to admitting it. After all these years, he had buried his feelings so far down that he barely even realized they were there. Stupid, freaking therapy! Still, there was no denying it, he belonged to her. He could never tell her, she would run scared and he could not afford to lose her. Dr. Gyson was right, he was not just the job. He was, and probably always would be, property of Alexandra Eames. He just had to make sure no one ever found out, especially her.
"Well, they are pulling security tapes," she started to say to him as she made her way back. "Hey, you sure you're okay Bobby?"
"I'm fine," he forced a smile. "Back to work."
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