This is co-written with my cousin, Sarah (xXxAngelSoPrecious). Both of us absolutely HATE Twilight. Sarah used to obsess but when I pointed out all the numerable flaws she hated it. So we've decided to write The Diary of Bella Swan because we hate those books so much. Thank you. :] You should not take ANYTHING we write here seriously. ANYTHING AT ALL.
DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE A TWILIGHT FAN/DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR!
Dear Diary,
I'm Bella. Actually I'm Isabella Marie Swan, but everyone calls me Bella. Or else I beat them up. It's really fun to do, actually.
So, a bit about me. I'm beautiful. I mean, I've got this really weird looking nose (but I make it look good), really ridiculously full lips, and pale skin. Oh and I'm as skinny as a stick, but of course I'm completely healthy, I mean I eat about once a day. I pretend to eat breakfast and lunch, but then I go in the bathroom to puke, so I won't gain an ounce. I eat dinner with Charlie at night so I won't die. I use adverbs excessively and use words that are really humongous and superfluous. Also I don't use 'say'; I use 'told me', 'mentioned', 'muttered', 'whispered', and any other superfluous words that mean the same superfluous thing...superfluously.
Oh and I'm irrevocably in love with a vampire. His name is Edward Cullen. He's over one hundred years old, but he looks seventeen. He was seventeen when he was turned into a vampire. Now he's eternally immortal. Superfluous. I don't think I've said superfluous superfluously enough.
And I'm also in love with a werewolf named Jacob Atramentous. Not really. His name is Jacob Black. But I thought 'Black' was so...insipid (that means bland). Hey, can I call him Jacob Atramentous, Diary? Do you mind? You're my best friend. :] Actually, you need to be renamed. 'Diary' is just as bland as 'Black'.
Did I mention I use adverbs excessively, like way too much? I do. I need to use adverbs, otherwise I'd perish.
Also, instead of using short words like 'die' (in that last sentence), I use longer needless ones like 'perish'.
Oops, not needless. I mean 'superfluous'. I have to make a mental note of it in my mentality.
About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edward was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him—which I assumed was wildly out of his control—that wanted me dead. And third, I was unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably in love with him.
I don't think I used enough adverbs in that. Let me try again.
About two more than one which is also three factors I was absolutely, entirely certain. First, Edward was most likely my soul mate, life partner, significant other—maybe. Second, there is a vampire component of him—which I assumed was wildly, impossibly, crazily, superfluously out of his control—that wanted me deceased, lifeless, and passed away. And third, I was unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, disreputably, positively, completely, definitely, and absolutely in love with him.
Much better.
Well, I have to leave you be for now. Edward and I are going to La Push to visit Jacob Atramentous. Good-bye for now.
~Later~
I stubbed my toe on a rock and started to bleed just a little—profoundly. Edward looked like a fat kid who just saw a free buffet for cake.
Well, I officially have to leave for now, Diary. Good-bye!
-Bella
