Random Funny Stories
I was just reading Aesop's Fables a few days ago, and I thought, "Hey, why not make parodies of them? That would be pretty funny. They're stories in their own right, and they do have some connection between them (Jenna). Prepare yourself for some OOCness. Big time.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Golden Sun or Aesop's Fables. You agree not to hold the author liable for any discomforts associated with reading this fanfiction.
Chapter 1: Aesop's Fables: The Golden Sun version
The Young Maiden and the Sheep
Jenna was a very poor young maid since Vale was destroyed. After the lighthouses, she managed to procure a single sheep. Now, when its fleece grew nice and white, she decided to shear it herself, instead of taking it to the professional shearer Sunshine, who charged the lofty fee of 40 coins per sheep. But she sheared horribly, making the poor sheep bleed, at which the sheep complained:
"Why do you treat your only sheep so, Jenna? You may be poor, but my blood adds not to the value of my fleece. If you want to eat me, ask Garet to butcher me; but if you want my fleece, do it properly or go get Sunshine!"
At this Jenna was horribly incensed, saying, "I don't need Garet to butcher you! I'll cook you and eat you now!" After casting the Dragon Fume spell, she ripped out a piece of flesh and ate.
Moral of the story: Do not antagonize Jenna.
Jenna, Felix and the Sheep
About a week before the incident related above, Jenna and the sheep were out in the fields. Felix, voraciously hungry, approached them. Now it must be said that Felix has a most singular and curious aversion to the bleating of a sheep. (As long as they remained silent they scared him not.) Now, as he was blackmailing Jenna for food, the sheep bleated and Felix, abandoning his quest for food, ran into the forest. Jenna, not knowing of his brother's secret fear, thought that she would revenge herself upon him, seeing as though he was scared of a simple sheep. She chased after him, and after no long distance he turned and cast an Odyssey spell on her. Her fury aroused, she beat her own brother straight into the sea. (Note that this occurred near Bilibin, so this was quite the feat.)
Moral of this story: A girl's instinct is always right in the end.
The Three Idiots
Three merchants of the names of Isaac, Garet and Piers were in the streets of Bilibin when the alarm came up that Jenna was angry at the lord McCoy, who asked anyone in the town to devise ways of defending it. Now, Isaac was a lumberjack and sold wood. Naturally, he suggested that they used wood to defend the town. Piers sold Lemurian trinkets, and he suggested that they capture her attention with the baubles. Now Garet, a butcher, proposed that they toss meat in the way of her fire spells.
Upon her arrival (she left the sheep at Vault), all three put their plans into action. Isaac tried to knock her out with a plank of wood, but they both were burnt. Piers distracted her with the trinkets…until she knocked him over. Now Garet threw a piece of meat at her. She burnt it and ate it, thus averting a tragedy.
Morals of the story: Jenna is not attached to the sheep, she likes meat and Garet is not an idiot.
Jenna and Sheba
A few days after Jenna lost her sheep, her friend Sheba came to visit. Now Sheba was a very kind-hearted young lady. Seeing Jenna in her plight, she gave her money to tide her over until she could find a job. Sheba had no sooner got back to her house in Lalivero that she found a letter from Jenna asking for more money. She obliged, and sent another thousand coins. Jenna used these up in two months, and sent to Sheba asking for more. Thus she did continually until the third month of Mars, when Sheba became angry. She said thus, "If you had treated Isaac or Piers like this, you would soon have been crushed." At this Jenna sent the reply, "I can live because I know who to bully and who to flatter; but you shall receive me at your home shortly." In ten day's time Sheba was found horrifically injured on the roof of the Anemos Sanctum, while Jenna sat in her new mansion counting piles of gold.
Moral of this story: The roof of the Anemos Sanctum, when landing on it, hurts.
Ivan, Garet and Kay
As we take leave of Jenna for the time being, we peer into the household of the Jerra family, whose patriarch was the Mayor of the former town of Vale. They, being fairly well-to-do, set up shop in Tolbi. One day during the festival called Colosso, Garet was observed to be kicking and hitting his sister Kay. She reproached him, saying "What did I ever do to you, Garet? Stop kicking me!" At this Garet replied, "Aaron is poking me, and it is only an unfortunate accident that I am kicking you." Kay, not believing this, asked for the testimony of Ivan, who, being of Jupiterian descent, knew the art of peering into people's hearts. Ivan informed Kay that Garet was indeed lying, at which Garet summoned a meteor down on them both.
Moral of the story: Garet may not be entirely stupid, but apart from lying he was stupid to summon a meteor in the town.
Jenna and the Sheep's Remains
Now, a week days after Jenna fried her sheep, she held one of its charred bones and started weeping. She stared at it for the longest time, almost as if inspecting and remembering every minute detail of it. She did so for a few hours until the ghost of the sheep came, saying, "Baa! Now do you repent of burning me?" Jenna replied, "No; I have Sheba's money for sustenance. I weep because I didn't burn this bone of yours well enough the first time; it didn't crumble when I picked it up."
Moral of the story: Jenna holds herself to high standards; if she burns something, she will burn it quite throughly. Don't cross her.
