Title: Emotionless
Author: Kait.
Disclaimer: Don't own it, probably never will. Lyrics are from the song "Emotionless" by Good Charlotte.
Rating: R.
Summary: AU fic. At 36 years of age, Jess Mariano has become the last person he ever wanted to be -- his father.
Hey Dad, I'm writing to you...
Not to tell you, that I still hate you;
Just to ask you how you feel
Mr. Mariano,
First, I want you to tell that I don't hate you, anymore. I've had this insufferable urge to write you for the past few months. Countless drafts have been put onto paper, but none have ever made it off my desk. I want to know so many things; there are just so many things that I need to know.
Are you happy out there in this great, wide world?
When you lay your head down, how do you sleep at night?
do you even wonder if we're all right?
My mother told me that it wasn't my fault. She told me that you were just scared, and that you didn't think you could handle it, so you ran. I need to know if you hated me, or if you still do. I need to know why you ran away, and why you didn't love me.
I need to know if I ever cross your mind.
It's been a long, hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried
You broke my mother's heart.
It's not ok; but we're alive.
Life hasn't been easy for us. To say that it's been arduous would be both an understatement, and a blatant lie. I really could have used you in my life. Maybe then I wouldn't be so fucked up on the inside. So should I blame you for the way I turned out? Will you be man enough to give me permission?
I'm writing just to let you know that I'm still alive.
She says that I have your eyes. I hate to get all sappy on you and shit, but it must be the truth, because I sure as hell didn't inherit the Gilmore baby blues. Not that I mind, they make you look innocent, and that just wouldn't look right on me.
I'm way too fucked to be innocent. From what I've heard you weren't very innocent yourself, maybe that's where I got it from. They also say that you screwed Rory over. I guess they mean literally, but she's been pretty emotionally unstable since you left. Not that I knew her before that, but I'm guessing she wasn't always like this. Not from the stories I hear about her as a kid. Did I strike a chord there at all? Mentioning her name? Do I have your interest now?
I didn't want this letter to be about bitching you out. I just wanted you to know that I made it to 18. My birthday was last week, I don't know if you remembered or not, but now you can.
The days I spent so cold, so hungry
Were full of hate; I was so angry
those scars run deep inside this tattooed body
there's things I'll take to my grave
but I'm okay.
I'm okay now. Life is fine. I guess I just needed you to know that...that I'm okay. It's amazing that the hate that consumed when I was younger is almost completely gone. Maybe I'm starting to understand...although I'm not sure I ever completely will. How you could leave...you said that you loved her.
Sometimes, I forgive
yeah, this time I'll admit
That I miss you, said I miss you
Rory Gilmore. My mother. The woman you got pregnant at the age of 18. You probably were just another asshole who pretended to be all deep and brooding just to get her into the sac. You're the kind of guy that no one should ever trust their daughter with because you're cold and bitter on the inside, and all you know is pain and anger. I know this because I know something else, something she whispered to me one night while she was half asleep.
I am you.
It's been a long, hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried
You broke my mother's heart
It's not okay, but we're all right
I'm writing just to let you know that I'm still alive.
Hey Dad.
Atticus Mariano.
