Shinobi rule # 25
Shinobi must never show emotion.
No matter what the situation at hand is.
For it will cloud your decisions and endanger the mission.
I've never understood it.
For a girl that wears her heart on her sleeve, it's hard to understand.
Today, I broke that rule.
I broke it by waiting for the "love of my life", near the gates.
I broke it by acting by my heart and not my mind.
I broke it by letting myself hope and think that you'll actually listen to me.
I broke it by crying for you.
Begging you not to go.
I lowered myself to that level and still, you did not listen.
You refused.
All my life, I was waiting.
Waiting for you to realize my obvious hints, waiting for you to emerge from the darkness that was swallowing you, for you to fight that darkness. Most of all
for you to return this heart full of love.
For you.
Only you.
But you denied it and threw my love away like it was nothing:
Trash.
As I persued you.
I gazed at you with love.
You glared at me with annoyance.
I was nothing but a burden.
A waste of space. A waste of time. A waste of breath. A waste of existence.
A waste of life itself.
I didn't stop though.
Hoping that you'll return my feelings, thinking that you weren't used to adoration and love, that someday you'll learn to love and open up.
Who was I kidding?
Sasuke Uchiha, of all people, learn to love?
But, like the foolish, love struck girl that I was
I believed.
I hoped.
Hoped and hoped and hoped for you.
But all of that: waiting, loving, believing, hoping, trusting, dreaming, smiling, crying, hurting and all the effort I put in just for you.
Was for nothing.
Thrown away. Pushed away. Denied.
How could you.
Do you know how much I loved you?
Do you know how much it hurts?
Do you know anything about me?
Do you know?
Do you?
Did you know that, 'till this day, all my birthday wishes and all my wishes on every shooting stars I've seen in my life from 7 to 12 were all the same?
Everytime, I wished the same wish. For the same person. For the same reason:
I wished that people, shinobi especially, would learn to love and trust more.
For you to love and trust more.
But that will never happen.
Because you absolutely despise everything.
You hate me.
You hate your brother.
You hate people.
You hate pity, sympathy and any kind of sorry feelings towards you.
You hate feeling.
You hate expressing.
Hate, hate, hate.
You hate.
Hating hurts, hurting kills, killing people, people regret, regret dieing, dieing leads to revenge, advenge hating.
And it starts again.
A deathly cycle.
Hating never stops.
Once it's started, it never stops.
Unless someone strong enough comes along to say
"No."
Someone strong enough to forgive and forget.
Someone strong enough for second chances.
Yes Sasuke,
You are weak.
You're not strong enough to say
"No."
You're not strong enough to forgive and forget.
You're not strong enough to give second chances.
Weak.
Sound familiar to you?
A favourite word of yours. You use it often.
Especially, when I'm around.
Too bad I proved you wrong Mr. Genius.
I loved you, I admired you, I looked up to you, I persued you, I believed in you, I hoped for you, I dreamed about you.
All in the past Sasuke-kun.
Everything you could have been, everything you could have had.
Gone.
Rule number #25
I understand it now.
I undestand its meaning.
Do you understand it? Its purpose?
It's to stop people like you.
Do you know why it's rule #25 and not rule number #1?
Because, it's ok to feel.
It's ok to have emotions. It's a part of us.
It's what makes us human.
You used to feel too Sasuke, I know you did.
I saw it all in your eyes.
But now, I'm not sure.
I don't see anything in your eyes.
Just the colour.
Black.
Lifeless.
I don't know where I went wrong.
I'd say I'm sorry, but then, I would be lying.
You are who you are, I am who I am.
Logic. Easy. Nature.
Different people, different life, different paths.
I get it.
I accept it.
I want to forgive and forget.
I want to be strong.
I truly want to forgive you, I really do.
But I can't.
Forgiving is to forget.
And I'm not ready to forget you, Sasuke-kun.
I'm still stuck in the middle.
The past and the present.
And, for some reason, I'm dreading the past.
I'm scared.
But, remember just this one thing before you go, Sasuke-kun:
You will never drag me down again. You will never make me wait. You will never control me, my heart and my mind. No matter what dirty ticks you use on me with your sharingan. I will never again cry for you, crave for you, love for you.
Never again will I chase after you.
Never again will I lose to you.
Goodbye Sasuke-kun.
Goodbye Sasuke.
Goodbye.
