Yup, it's another Dan and Phil short story, sort of.
A/N: This time it gets kinda personal, you'll see why as the story goes on.
It's that time again and to say I couldn't be anymore excited would be an understatement. I was ecstatic; joy surged through my very being, my heart swelled within my chest and my eyes watered from the thought of finally being able to make it to one of Dan's broadcasts.
True, I had always been able to make it to Phil's on time but I really wanted to do the same thing with Dan's.
It's a weird part of my mind that screams at me, it says I must make it there and I must watch or else I won't be satisfied. You know, it's all too true and right. I've recently started to remember when the Radio 1 show is and I have all the times written down. One day, I'll memorize them to a T, so much so, that it'll become part of my everyday routine.
As I paused my game of Halo and turned down the blaring music that came from the headphones connected to my MP3 player, I gave my full attention to my laptop screen. Just a few more seconds and Dan would start. I refreshed the Younow page before switching over to my Twitter and refreshing that one as well, just in case I happened to miss the chaos of the first couple of minutes where we all sorted out the newly updated site and said our 'hello's and hey's and hi's.'
I heard his voice before I saw his picture pop up and, as embarrassing as it is to say, I fangirled. Hard. I had an ear splitting smile and I couldn't begin to tell you the emotions that ran through me at that moment.
I typed in my message of 'Hello Dan! C:' before gazing at the man that has helped me through so many troubling times. I sat back against the fluffy black pillow and watched the chat, at the people saying 'hi', some already asking where Phil was and the few that were wanting him to notice them.
I would love it if Dan would do that to me! Although, I have this strange desire to want it to be in person, when I can hug both him and Phil, to tell them how big an impact they have on me. To give them handwritten letters and maybe a plush or two and take a couple of photos with them before having to inevitably leave.
I was broken from my slight daydream with the short story of how he was trolling us all by supposedly watching a few others that were already live before going live himself. He said it was because of the update, which I would believe to be completely true, before breaking off on a tangent and talking about how his time at the Brits were.
I would go to voice my input in the millions of responses only to be told that the chat was busy. It was alright, I could wait. I had a couple more hours before work anyway and didn't need to rush. I backspaced my sentence as casual talk of what was to come in the future on Dan and Phil Games and the Dil videos poured into the chat, thanks to Dan bringing it up.
It was interesting to hear his thoughts on his own channels and videos, to take a subtle glimpse into the making and editing of a video, to hear how much effort he puts into wanting it to be lovely and amazing for his viewers.
It was then that I came to a conclusion. I would love to sit down and have a chat with both Dan and Phil, to casually talk about life and how things have been going, where they think they'll be in the years to come and what's brought them the utmost joy. No mentions of the phandom or anything. Just a simple, random conversation.
It was at this time that I completely turned off my music to better hear what was being discussed without the quiet hum of my music in the background.
I remembered typing into the chat that the dance he and Phil had whilst Thinking Out Loud was playing was just plain adorable. I sent it in to get lost within the millions of other people talking and having the time of their lives. I like to think that Dan caught a glimpse of it and had gotten a nice little kick outta it.
I know it'll be a while before I get to meet these two adorable and amazing men, to share a few laughs while desperately trying to hold back the slew of emotions that I've held in within the 6 years that have gone from bad to terrible. I know that I haven't been subscribed to Danisnotonfire nor AmazingPhil for more than a couple of months but I feel as if I was meant to watch a couple of their videos.
I feel as if the pain I've been holding for the past 6 years has finally started to melt away, in a slow steady trickle that will still take a while to completely leave. I also know that they probably get that a lot but I still want to tell them myself.
Most people think it's just a phase, others think I'm being weird for always needing to watch them but if they only knew what goes through my 22 year old mind. If they only knew what "horrors" I have to face each day in a monotonous rut, to feel as if invisible chains are keeping me from where I really wanna be and not being able to break free of them. It's difficult.
If they only knew what happiness and joy that hour of merely listening to their voices does for me, the sense of having an invisible hug when I need it the most, only then would they understand. They wouldn't call me a silly phangirl nor would they think I'm idolizing them.
The Amazing Phil and Dan are regular people just like everyone else. They love video games and anime, they like to socialize on their own terms and would love to have a bit of privacy here and there just like anyone else. I'm sure they love random movie and TV show marathons with popcorn, candy and soda. I'm sure they just love being in the company of the other, like JD and Turk without the hospital setting and the scrubs.
To me, they are my superheroes, my rock and inspiration when I feel I can no longer move on but most importantly, I see them as my very best friends. I can count on them and even if others cannot see that, nor understand it, that's alright.
I have made it my bucket list wish to give them the biggest hug I can muster, to possibly show them the saying, that is over their merch, resting proudly across my arm and to chat with them and make memories that I will remember forever.
For now, I'll continue on with this not so secret secret of listening to Daniel Howell and Phillip Lester's voices during broadcasts or videos whilst a silly little smile stays splayed out across my lips.
