edited on 3/10/2018
WILL TO LIVE
1.
There are many things that should be let go of when it's raining and you're more likely to catch a cold if you stay out for more than five minutes without proper shelter. For me, this morning provided zero thinking.
There was so much on my mind that a run felt better than sticking close to the tragedy that I was feeling since two days ago. So here I was running, a semi usual occurrence in my life until I started to feel like I couldn't run anymore and I was left in the dirt and muddy ground, trying to catch my breath and crying.
I had sat there for a little while knee deep in my emotions before I was jolted from it not from the thunder but from a voice. A deep voice that was crazy enough to be out on a morning like this. Dripping and holding his own unlike my pitiful state.
"What?" I croaked, I wasn't sure of what he had said only that he was talking to me.
My hair had fallen into my face and the curls were a shield for the man that had moved closer to me. He was dark not only in the weather but because he was a black man.
"Are you alright?" He asked crouching with a hand extended. He had been smart enough to be in proper attire for the weather though it was still making him look like a wet puppy.
I paused for a moment, brushing my hair out of my face before deciding to be honest with this man who had stopped for me to check on my wellbeing. Anyone else would have probably have been more focused on getting out of the storm. He seemed genuinely worried about me; a complete stranger.
"Do I look like I'm okay? I'm not."
He didn't frown or get upset with my tone. Instead he looked around for a moment before gesturing with his hand again wanting me to take it. I sighed, seeing that he wasn't one to give up on a lost cause and put my hand in is. The contrast in our skin tones would have been an intriguing sight if it didn't feel like it did outside. I was more lighter than him, still chocolate but more mocha. I could thank my mother for my complexion. I could thank her for a lot of things really.
He pulled me to my feet once again and I groaned again when I noticed how disgusting my legs and shoes looked now.
"What's your name?" He asked.
I decided to give it to him even though now what I really wanted to do was take a hot shower and go curl up in my bed for all eternity.
"Bee."
"Bee?" He echoed. I realized he wasn't mocking me after a moment, he was trying to make sure he had heard me right. I nodded. "I'm Sam. How does going somewhere dry sound?"
I really should have said no. Stranger asks you to go somewhere, you tell them no because you shouldn't go anywhere with strangers. There was something so nice about Sam - his energy - that I decided to forgo that line of thought. It was as if I had already decided that I would trust him. Perhaps it was because of our mutual predicament. We were both drenched. I'd take a kindness at this point.
"Alright."
He didn't let go of my hand. Something that was increasingly weird to me but I hadn't exactly let it go after he helped me to my feet. "It's not far." He shouted over another round of thunder.
Where we went ended up being a place I never went to on the first date, I joked silently to myself. My coping mechanism for rationalizing what I was going through here with Sam at his home.
I followed him in as he unlocked the door. He let go of my hand and I instantly felt the lack of warmth that it had given me. I didn't move any further than the tiles that sat at the entrance of his house. I was dripping and didn't want to destroy anything too badly.
He chuckled from behind me as he tossed his keys somewhere. "I'll have to clean up regardless. C'mon." His hand was on my shoulder, gently prodding me to walk forward and in turn guiding me to a bathroom.
He had me wait in there for a solid two minutes before coming back with a pile of clothes. "Don't know what you like." He had a few different shirts and pants choices for me there. I smiled shortly in thanks as he told me where the towels were and began to tell me how to work his shower only for me to shoot him a look.
"I did warn you." He grinned before leaving me there.
I shut the door and sat the pile on the toilet seat before stripping my clothes.
I heard water coming from somewhere in the house. He had a second bathroom. That was good, at least he wouldn't get sick waiting on me to come out.
I hopped into the shower and began messing with the knobs. The middle turned it to spray. However I quickly learned that it got much hotter than it needed to be. I skidded back out of the spray and away from scalding myself to death.
"Cold. I need cold!" I muttered to myself as I jerked the other knob all the while keeping my body away from the hot spurts of water. I used my hand to test it before continuing on with the shower and a much bearable temperature.
I ended up donning a navy sweatshirt and a pair of jeans. They fit too well to be his. Past girlfriend or even a sister's perhaps? I didn't think too much about that. The sweatshirt was definitely his and it was very roomy and cozy to me. I wasn't a fan of tight fitted clothing - not only did it make me feel like I was suffocating it also looked terrible on my figure.
I unfortunately couldn't do much with my hair but comb it out with my hands and towel dry it but that was okay. I'd dealt with the poof before. I would do damage control later.
I met Sam down the hall in the same direction that I had come from. He was in the kitchen which was adjacent to the table where people could eat. I decided to sit there while I waited for him to finish what he was doing.
I didn't really look past the fact that his back was turned to me.
"What's troubling you tonight, Bee?" He called over his shoulder as he turned back to what he was doing. It required his absolute concentration it seemed.
I breathed, inhaling and exhaling loudly. "Um, where do I start?"
He didn't give me much of an answer but I assumed it was a go ahead to start where I wanted. "Well I lost someone very important to me few days ago." I almost fully expected him to tell me that everyone has lost someone but he didn't. He just listened to me as I slowly rambled about it.
"My mom kept me together for the most part. I know I shouldn't have depended on her guidance but it's hard when there was only ever the two of us."
Sam had turned around to look at me. To him it must have been slightly more important that he look at me now.
"Losing a parent, your only parent is a tough loss. I think we all stuck to our parents at some point." He wasn't putting me down. This was new for me.
Now that I could see him more clearly and we weren't sopping wet from the rain I could see that he had a nice face and calm demeanor about him. He was also built, his arms were quite large and wrapped within each other as he leaned on the counter.
"Do you still have your parents?" I wondered.
His smile changed, defeated as he shook his head. "They were both killed."
I felt sad. It shouldn't have mattered to me. My mom was not killed, she had just had some very bad luck. To have her murdered would have somehow made it worse. "Sorry to hear that."
He shook it off turning away from me once again. "It was a long time ago. I'm sorry your mom has passed."
"You don't know who I am." I stated lamely as he soon came striding over with a plate of food and silverware.
"I do though. You're someone who is experiencing a loss. I talk with people like you everyday."
I'm sure my surprise was divided between the plate in front of me and the information he was sharing with me. He could read it clear on my face.
"I work at the VA. I was a soldier."
That made sense. It also made it easier for me to believe that he was okay running in the rain. He had to have done that before.
"So what you pick up sad people every couple of days and get them to tell you why their upset?"
That smile of his was sweet. I don't know if I would get tired of it tonight. It held comfort that I wasn't used to getting from people outside of my family. At least not for some years now at least.
"In a manner of speaking, I suppose. I've never done this before. Not without someone coming to me." There was something on his face that made me realize that he was thinking about a specific moment in his timeline.
"What do you normally do then?"
"Talk. It helps." He continued when he saw the confusion on my face. "Most people just need someone to be there for them and be able to share their hardship with someone who understands and won't judge them for it."
I believed that was true.
"Can I eat this first?" I gestured to the breakfast he had cooked. He was still standing so I didn't know if he was joining me or what he planned to do.
"I think that's why I sat it in front of you. What do you want to drink?"
"Water." This made him laugh again. He shook his head before retreating back to the kitchen. He came back within a minute with a plate for himself and my water served with ice.
We ate in relative silence. He kept staring at me as if he was trying to figure something out but otherwise he stayed silent.
When we were done we moved to the living room and I sat on the recliner while he stayed standing. He moved over to a shelf and picked up two photographs. He had a few of them littering the shelves. Only one of the two he brought me was framed.
An old couple with a kid who had to be Sam were shown on the front steps of an apartment building. The shot was in black and white. "You look like your dad." I told him as I handed it back to him. He swapped it for the other frameless photograph. "Who is this?"
That pained expression appeared on his face again. "Riley, my best friend."
He shared the memory of how he had lost Riley and I teared up a little. I didn't know what it was like to have friends, not lately. We were all in different parts of the world and only got to talk through email or the occasional phone call. I hadn't seen any of them since we graduated high school many years ago. I didn't think it was fair to try to pull them back in to D.C. when so many of them had gone to do bigger things. I had come to grips with that a long time ago. The idea of a man like Sam defenseless to help his made me feel the pain I was dealing with even more so now.
"I live for these three. My parents taught me to keep living even when I want to join them somewhere less chaotic and Riley...he would have wanted me to keep going. It was what he wanted for me. Told me as much."
Through his pain I sensed strength. A strength I didn't possess right now.
"How do I do that too? I haven't had to be on my own like this."
"You keep trying." As I gave him back the photograph of Riley he patted my shoulder. "Your will to live has to go further if you ever want to make her proud. A mother only wants the best for her child. I learned that lesson a long time ago."
I wanted to try if only to experience the level of assurance that Sam had.
Before he gave me a blanket and a pillow to rest my head on for a few hours of sleep he reminded me. "You aren't alone."
The rain had stopped by the time I had woken up. My hair was dry and puffed up. I groaned a little as I turned towards the light source and decided to get up.
I stretched slowly as I made my way to the kitchen where Sam was.
He was not alone.
Sitting at the table that we had shared a meal at was a hero in himself. Captain America.
"W-What?" I stumbled a little in my confusion.
"Oh. She's awake." Cap said.
"What?" I mouthed again as I bo-guarded my way to sitting down in a chair. I needed to sit.
I fully ignored the papers that were splayed out as I focused on my breathing.
"I did not sign up for this." I huffed as I looked between the two of them who were both smiling.
