Disclaimer: The authors do not own any of the characters of The Lord of the Rings or any of its affiliates. The idea for this story is 100% original, so there! Ha!
One day one of the Nine walked into a support center called "Addictions 'R Us." He strolled into up to the rooms labeled "Addictions to Miscellaneous Objects/Trinkets." This just happened to be across the room from the Anger Management class, which Sauron was attending.
He opened the door and strode into the room. There was a very curious array of peoples in there. There was a short little funny guy with big pointy ears and hairy feet accompanied by another, stouter, shorter little funny guy with big pointy ears and hairy feet as well as a short stocky man a little taller than the other two. The latter was carrying an ax. And then there was a tall dude dressed in green and grey. He had pointy ears as well (and some people, such as one of the financial backers of this story and many others would say that this dude was extremely dashing and attractive). Looking around some more he noticed a filthy human (who in the Wraith's opinion looked kinda manly and handsome with that stubble). To the left of this human he saw another human with arrows stickin out of 'im. Behind one of the chairs he spotted a slimy head with wispy hair and light bulb eyes that could give you nightmares for weeks. (And has)
So the Nazgul sat down and said, "Hello. My name is Ed. I am addicted to the One Ring." "Hiii Ed," They all chorused. All of a sudden Ed started bawling, "I can't take it anymore!! Stupid Sauron and his Stupid Ring of Power and his stupid quest to take over the world!! It's just like in Pinky and The Brain!! (I love that show!) He's freakin me out!!! At first when he gave me my Ring I thought it was pretty and at the time Sauron was too, but that's not the point, and he ensnared me and my friends with the Nine Rings and that was not kewl, man!!!" Then, from behind Ed, there came a strange little man who stood about 4 ½ feet tall. He had an aura of a merry fellow. Bright blue was his jacket and his boots were yellow. His girdle was green and his breeches all of leather, and he wore in his tall hat a swan-wing feather. "Hi deedly di! I am Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo!! How are you doing today, Ed?"
Ed, looking a little bewildered, answered, "Um, hi… How are you? What are you, for that matter!?!?" "Well, I don't know what I am," stated Tom, "But I am here to help you out! I am the head of this support group. All of the others are the following: Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee the hobbits, Gimli the Dwarf and Legolas the Elf. We must not forget Aragorn and Boromir the humans, as well as Smeagol/Gollum who we think used to be a hobbit but had the Ring for a while and he didn't age too gracefully. (GRAVITY, BABY!! J) By the way, he thinks I don't know he's here, he lapses back into the times when he was invisible and no one could see him. But even then I could spot the lil bugga! I'm not as blind as that yet! Today we have a new tactic especially for this class. It is The Twelve Step Plan to Correct the Problem at Hand." Right then he began reading aloud:
Twelve Step Plan To Correct the Problem at Hand
1. Admitting you have a problem.
2. Seek help.
3. Buy a chicken with a credit card.
4. Buy food for the chicken with a credit card.
5. Feed the chicken that you bought with the credit card the food for the chicken that you bought with the credit card.
6. Buy a rooster with a credit card.
7. Wait! This is the list for the support group for those with an unnatural fear of chickens and credit cards!
8. All right, back to business
9. Read the Twelve Step Program.
10. Follow the Twelve Step Program.
11. Avoid contact with the object and its owner/s.
12. Oh, I guess I don't have a number twelve, Does there have to be a number twelve? Why can't it be an Eleven Step Program? Oh well **SiGh**
"BUT THAT DOESN'T HELP ME AT ALL!!," Ed cried, "THAT WAS A TOTALLY USELESS WASTE OF PAPER!!! YOU COULD HAVE USED THAT PAPER FOR ANOTHER CAUSE!! SAVE THE TREES!!!" Treebeard then pops in with many other trees holding picket signs and causing quite a ruckus. Tom replied, "Oh well, I guess you'll just have to wait for the next chapter to pop up for some useful help. Stay tuned!!!"
