Dear dairy,
Life seems utterly unfair sometimes and others times it doesn't. But for me its almost always unfair and hurtful. I hate life! I wish a lot of the time god would just kill me and get it over with already. I have too many problems that hurt me but I think sometimes if I would just lose Jacob, most of my problems would go away. I hate hurting. Most of my hurting comes because I love this one guy. I don't know why I love him so much I just do. I also don't know why I don't tell my mother maybe hopefully I think she would understand. But the fact is I'm to scared to share anything with her cause I don't want to hurt her. I don't want her to explode and be crazy mad or disappointed in me. People think all he wants to do is get me in bed. It pisses me off because I know thats not whats on his mind. I know its not that because he would tell me he tells me everything. He not the kind of person to hide things from me, besides if he wanted to he could have already tried. People act like we've never been alone together before because news flash we have. God damn the only thing we did was hug a couple of times and he held my hand on the way out of the movie theater once. People should ask whats going. Not just assume things because when you assume things your almost always wrong. Now I'm depressed again and feel like I have to tell him we cant talk anymore. I love him and don't to hurt him again. Why does Jacob always have to be part of the reason why I have to hurt him? It kills me it rips me apart to hurt him and I don't want him to hate me again because if he tells me he hates me again. I will kill myself because I cant have him hate me again. I think god is fighting with his angel and devil on his shoulders. Because he cant seem to make up his mind whether or not he wants me happy. Devil always seems to win. I wanna cut myself again. I want more pain because the more pain I have the more numb I am to every feeling I have running through me. I'm so about to pull out my pocket knife and slit my wrist. I'm craving to see the blood and the mark it leaves I wanna see thousands of little bloody marks running all over my wrists. Its crazy to want more pain when I'm already in so much the more the merrier right soon I will be able to make myself numb to everything around me. Maybe I will be happy then. I wish life welcomed me to happiness but unfortunately it doesn't. It welcomes me to pain, depression, and grief. If I ever have a smile on my face again just know I'm faking being happy so people wont ask so many questions. Because I don't want to have to explain how come I'm hurt and depressed because my best hurt me yet again. I wanna be alone because the only good thing in my life Edward, is gone now. Because I know that when he's gone Jacob will have a harder time hurting me. But I already be hurting because he will be gone out of my life probably forever this time. I wish I could go with him. I wish he still loved me so I could go and get way from all god damn pain and depression that there is around me. That brings me down cause I know if I was gunna be with him. Theres nothing around me to hurt me I would be happy. Because I would be with him. Age is nothing but a number to me and nothing else beside it means I have to listen to my mom. Crying, pocket knife, pain, and blood is my best friend now. I can see that when I sleep again I'm gunna be dreaming about those things. I hate everything but those four little things.
Review Please!
