Don't Pertained You Don't See Me

You can walk around and order all of you workers around and pertained that I am not in the room but You can later on come to me and take you anger out on me. I am only a human. If I say that I am leaving you don't seem to care. All I want is for you to Pay Attention to me Mr J but I know that is too much to ask of you and if i said this out loud you would hit me so I am stuck here in this hell of a love.

I thought you were mine but thats not how it goes. I am yours and that is. This is very one side and I feel that you like this way. You like having power and control. I am just a play thing you like to break over and over again until the day I won't be ever to get to my feet any more. This thought scares me half to death.

Mr J do you know how much I actually love you. I guess not because theses word do come out but they are shut down by you. It make me feel useless and unwanted. Is that true I am useless and unwanted because if that is so just end It now .

I know you keep me around because you don't want people playing with your things. So i guess I am one of you thing that is useless. JUst Kill me please because if you don't then this love differently will.. Do you see how much i want to just die because Iwould not mind that right about now. I am so done with this toxic love. Puddan I know that you don't love me and I know that if I did die you would not care and find some else to replace me when I am gone.

Do you see how much pain I am in because the one i love does not love me back. That makes cha think about where did I go wrong in my life to end up here. I am am smart but psycho person which is fine with me.

I am not the girl i used to be. I am not the normal blonde everybody knows. Its all because I fell in love with you Mr J. My life falling down its all because of you and you don't even know. If I never fell for you I would not be in this mess that I am in. You know what this is like its like falling down a hole and not being able to get up again. This is a downward spiral I will never be okay after.

I have been beaten and battered. I have been through some hard shit.. That fact that I am still in this world surprises me. but right now i wish i was not because it is killing me slowly killing me being here in this relationship with you. The saddest part is you don't even know or care to ask and find out why I am so depressed.
I have alway been good at hiding my pain. I learned at a young age that I can hide how I feel.. I did this because my dad was a stupid F***ing bastard who use to hit me and call me names just like Mr J But that ended when I was about 16 because my mother and I moved out and she remarried. My feelings have no meaning anymore.

If people were to read think and say that it is a suicide note. They would be wrong because I won't kill myself over a stupid guy. Yes i do love him but I won't kill my self for him because he would enjoy that way too much after all he is the clown prince of crime. Sometimes I wish he could just show a little bit of love.

Yeah I know he shows love but not in the way a gal would think. He is very mean about it. I want him to show me kind gentle and sweet love that does not hurt all the time. Well I can only hope that one day he will be kind to me and my body.

This gal with get through this i hope. This is how I see my world through my eyes. Remember that there is always two side to a story.