What a mess…
It wasn't supposed to happen like this. This wasn't the plan. I've only just got her back. What was I thinking? How could I be so stupid?
A million and one thoughts were buzzing through Jen's head, it was unbearable. She couldn't concentrate on a single thought, let alone gather herself enough to teach a full day at college.
She had been expelled. She, being Tilly. Just hearing her brain say that name sent an overwhelming wave of emotions surging through Jen's body. She couldn't hear anything around her, her ears were ringing so loud she was sure anyone in close proximity would notice. She could barely breathe, the lump in her throat so large it felt as if barely any breath was making it into her lungs. Her stomach hurt, her chest ached. It was as it someone was squeezing every inch of her heart and the grip wasn't letting up. And she knew that this feeling wasn't going to subside any time soon. Tears fell uncontrollably.
Jen was sat in the same position on her bed as she was when she got home from work 12hours ago. Not that she even noticed. Time had stood still. She didn't even remember coming home. Everything from yesterday was beginning to become a blur. She glanced across at her bedside clock and spotted the time change from 5.59am to 6.00am. The change was closely followed by a piercing beeping. She woke early most days. She knew that most people weren't like this, she knew early birds were a minority, but she liked this. Walking in the park at the crack of dawn, as the sun was rising, the grass still covered in undisturbed dew, the air crisp and the feeling of endless possibilities would not be the same if there had been a crowd of people around her.
The constant noise coming from her alarm brought her back to reality. It was nice for a few seconds to be lost on something other than the mess from the day before. She leaned across and turned her alarm off. Again her mind wandered to her early morning strolls. She imagined herself sat by the lake, a slight mist hanging over the silky water, the surrounding vegetation tinted with frost. And then an all familiar silhouette appearing in the distance. Even though the slight shadow caused from the surrounding trees disguised the face of the soul, she knew the figure like the back of her hand. As the silhouette moved slightly forward to reveal herself to the morning sun, the breath caught it Jens lungs, as if a cowboy with a lassoo captured it just before it managed to escape. She felt herself begin to shake, her skin felt alive, every inch could feel the cool morning air, the moisture from the lake, the ever closing gap between herself, stood fast like a sculpture, and the imposing yet slender figure of the woman before her. As the woman closed the last few feet between them, Jens eyes made contact with hers. Those piercing blue eyes, Jen was drawn to them like a moth to light. She melted into them like snow into rain. She was where she wanted to be. Nothing had ever made her feel so alive, so relaxed, so at one with herself and everything around her. Not even her art. Jen knew from a young age, that she could escape the world whenever she picked up a paint brush, a pencil and more recently her camera. But this woman that stood before her had changed her perspective of things dramatically. No longer did she want to escape the world. She wanted to embrace it, experience it, take in everything and anything, and she wanted to do it all with her. With Tilly. Her eyes wandered over the woman that stood before her. Her red hair vibrant against the white, frosty surroundings, her pale skin illuminated in the morning sun, her freckles a map that Jen recognised as home. She had a slim physique, but she wasn't weak. She oozed confidence and strength, things that had instantly attracted Jen to the redhead. Jen felt her hand unconsciously rising towards Tilly's face, she left her fingers gently brush over her cheek, her skin so supple and smooth, and it craved Jens touch. Jen noticed how the redhead leaned her head into Jen's hand, revelling in the feeling her tender touch. Jen's heart was in her mouth, she was completely lost in the moment. This perfect moment. The woman she loved more than her heart could hold, stood here, in front of her. Jen closed the gap between them; she felt Tilly's hands reaching up towards her face. The touch, as they finally made contact with Jen's skin was electric, yet comforting. They were close enough now for Jen to feel Tilly's warm breath on her face. Jen felt dizzy, their closeness scrambling any non-essential thoughts in her head. All that mattered was this moment. Her eyes began to focus on Tilly's lips, she noticed them part slightly, inviting Jen in like a roaring fire indoors on a bitter winters day. She let her eyes travel up Tilly's face and focus on the pair before her. She went to speak; all she wanted to do was declare her love for Tilly. Tell her how she had changed her, for the good, how she had opened her eyes to the world, how she couldn't imagine her life without her. But she stopped herself. It didn't feel necessary. One look from those ice blue eyes and she knew that what she wanted to say was reciprocated indefinitely. Again Jen felt her breath catch in her throat, she felt a sting in her eyes as the moment between the two of them began to overwhelm her. She leant forward, a tear escaping her eyes and she let her lips lock with the redheads in front of her. Instantly she felt a surge of energy rush throughout her whole body, every nerve synapse passing the millions of electrical signals through her at lightning speed. Her hand moved from Tilly's face and around the back of her neck, feeling the soft wispy strands of Tilly's hair, pulling the woman closer, intensifying the kiss. She felt Tilly release a small but noticeable moan as she did this, encouraging Jen to continue. The embrace was long overdue and Jen didn't want it to end. She parted her lips and let her tongue caress the lips of the woman before her. Tilly responded in much the same way, letting her tongue return the gesture.
'Jen?!'….'Jen love?!'
The perfect moment Jen had been revelling in, came crashing down around her quicker than she had thought is up, as she again heard the scouse accent from the other side of her bedroom door.
'Jen, we're off, are you coming?'
Jen came too quickly and again glanced at her clock. 8:15am. Once more, time had passed without her barely noticing. She couldn't move, she couldn't speak. She didn't want to move, she didn't want to speak. Reality was unbearable; a life without Tilly was not something she had ever imagined. But this was her reality now. They were over. Over. That word hit Jen like a forceful blow to the face. She felt winded.
'Jen, I'm coming in.'
Jen noticed her door open; Diane poked her head round and looked at Jen with a slightly frustrated look on her face. Her eyebrows creased into a frown.
'Come on love, you're going to be late. Are you ok?' There was a slight pause as Diane took in the sight before her. 'You don't look too good Jen' Diane noted, her frown easing, as she realised Jen looked out of sorts. She felt shocked as she noticed tear stains on Jens cheeks and her pale complexion.
Jen went to speak but she couldn't. Diane noticing this, entered the room and went to sit down next to Jen on the bed.
'Love what is it?' Diane asked, her voice laced with worry and apprehension.
Jen felt a hand touch hers. She looked at it, noticing the lack of feeling. Whenever she and Tilly had touched, she felt the blood coursing through her veins, her heart contract, the hairs on the back of her neck stand to attention. She knew the touch from Diane has been out of concern, but she missed the contact that made her body dance with anticipation and her head fill with love.
Jen knew she was going to have to say something. It took all of what energy she had left.
'I'm not feeling too good Diane, think I'm coming down with something. I…I think I may call in sick.' Jens voice broke, she felt every emotion within her threatening to burst out via the tears welling in her eyes. She didn't think she could hold them back for much longer but didn't want her tears to give her away to Diane, like she would be able to read her secrets through the emotions as they left her eyes.
She went to speak again, but luckily Diane interrupted.
'Ok love, well you really don't look well. Can I get you anything?' She broke, as she saw Jen shake her head. 'Aright, well I'll sort College out for you, don't you worry about that. You get yourself some rest and I'll check in with you later.'
Diane stood up and went to leave the room.
'Thank you' was all Jen could muster. It was taking all she had to restrain herself from falling apart in front of Diane.
Diane turned a smiled sympathetically at Jen. Jen forced a weak smile, which in turn made her feel sick inside. She wished she could tell Diane everything, but she knew without a shadow of a doubt a revelation like that could only end in disaster and more heartache for not only her, but for Tilly. And she knew she had caused more than enough of that for the both of them already. She needed to be alone, there was no one that could help her now. She had done this. She knew that her actions yesterday had ruined any chance of Tilly ever wanting to be with her ever again.
She heard her bedroom door close. The relief of being along again overtook her and she collapsed back on her bed and felt the world around her fall away and the room turn black.
