a collection of parody songfics
by Sarah the Boring
Final Fantasy, names, characters, et cetera copyright Square Soft, Inc. Songs copyright their original authors. Parodies property of the author.
Contents:
1. Aerith's Alive
2. Disc Three
3. Hojo, Shinra Scientist
4. Nibelheim (Not Back in Midgar)
5. Our Favorite Cid
6. Turning Into Zack
7. Spikey Ass
8. Pretty Fly (For a Bad Guy)
Warning, just for those of you on the lookout for those things... SPOILERS GALORE.
1. "Aerith's Alive" ("Stayin' Alive", the Bee Gees)
Well, you can tell by the way they write their posts
They're all lamers, man, they love to boast
If they can find a way around, they'll take it then
And throw rumors 'round
Well it's all right, it's okay
You like to claim that you can play
But we can't try to understand
How a Game Shark makes you a better man
You're making up your stories and making up your glories
Saying Aerith's alive, Aerith's alive
Getting people in your party and thinking you're a smarty
Saying Aerith's alive, Aerith's alive
Ah, ah, ah, ah, Aerith's alive, Aerith's alive
Ah, ah, ah, ah, Aerith's aliiiiiiiiiiiiive
So you got both WEAPONs on your own
Except the chip of plastic, all alone
But you couldn't handle it yourself
Had to make it up, and then share the wealth
Well it's all right, it's okay
We'll let you have your spammer's say
But we can't try to understand
How cheating makes you cooler, man
You're making up your stories and making up your glories
Saying Aerith's alive, Aerith's alive
Getting people in your party and thinking you're a smarty
Saying Aerith's alive, Aerith's alive
Ah, ah, ah, ah, Aerith's alive, Aerith's alive
Ah, ah, ah, ah, Aerith's aliiiiiiiiiiiiive
You're going nowhere
Codes gotta help you
Gotta help you make it through
You're going nowhere
Codes gotta help you through
Yeah, Aerith's alive...
So you say you found this Chocobo
Say it's purple, man, and it really glows
It can run right under the ocean floor
Fight the sixth WEAPON and so much more
Now it's all right, it's okay
Ignoring you from day to day
But we can't try to understand
How this stuff would fit into Square's plan
You're making up your stories and making up your glories
Saying Aerith's alive, Aerith's alive
Getting people in your party and thinking you're a smarty
Saying Aerith's alive, Aerith's alive
Ah, ah, ah, ah, Aerith's alive, Aerith's alive
Ah, ah, ah, ah, Aerith's aliiiiiiiiiiiiive
You're going nowhere
Codes gotta help you
Gotta help you make it through
You're going nowhere
Codes gotta help you through
Yeah, Aerith's aliiiiiive...
(repeat to fade)
2. "Disc Three" ("One Week", Barenaked Ladies)
It's been--
One week since the Promised Land
When Tifa and Barret fell into the wrong hands
One week since the WEAPONs rose
And Cloud found his idol in his seven-year doze
One week since Meteor was called
And Cloud handed over Seph's magic 8-Ball
The longest days in history
But it's still enough time to track down ol' Sephy
Now, you remember Cait Sith? The one we fought with?
Well now he's saving Tifa from the gas
With the help of Sapphire and its breath, it was getting close to death
So it decided to take out half of Junon's Upper Branch
Tifa got into a smack fight, when she saw daylight
And hit old Scarlett into next year
Thank goodness for the Highwind, they picked up their friend
And ran to Mideel to face Cloud's fear
They found their Cloudie in a daze, drank Mako sixteen different ways
So faithful Tifa stuck around in Mideel to be his nursemaid
They said that Cid should be the boss though Barret saw this as a loss
But with the Highwind the party has it all made
I don't know why the great Summon took so long
Though it gave us a chance to grow quite strong
And spend half our time breeding those Chocobos
What was the point of it all? Well, who knows?
We were hooked, though it went on endlessly
We're amused by the way that Cid runs
It's been one week since the Corel train
When Barret proved his worth to his town again
One week since the Condor fort
When we fought polygons and called it a great sport
One week since the Mideel war
When Ultimate WEAPON embarked on its world tour
Tifa fell in Cloud's history
But there's still enough time to track down ol' Sephy
(solo)
Huge Materia, we got four of 'em
The Shinra love 'em
But our party got 'em anyway
Spent some time with Bugenhagen, did some Ancient-theory talkin'
While Scarlett turned the Cannon into Sister Ray
Rufus facin' Diamond WEAPON, they turned the Ray on
But it didn't help him anyway
AVALANCHE went para-jumping, while Hojo's pumping
His cells up with JENOVA in a bad way
Cleared Midgar in a wink, the Turks are starting now to think
That their careers are at an end so now they've scattered
Now Cloud and Co. are on their own because they know the Northern Cave has blown
Itself wide open and the earth will soon be shattered
They take a week off to bond and to grow more
Everyone decides what they're fighting for
Cloud and Tifa share a moment, but did those
Crazy kids share something more? Well, who knows?
The Northern Crater's coming next and it's a doozy
Who can blame them for a little escape?
It's been one week since they took it on
Sephiroth's Crater in one spiralling run
One week since they met the fall
Of Jenova-SYNTH, who's now just a big ball
One week since Bizarro Seph
Though Knights of the Round sent that thing to its death
One Winged Angel's a mystery
But they had enough time to find the real Sephy
Had enough time to track down ol' Sephy
Had enough time to track down ol' Sephy
Where in the hell can that Gold Chocobo be?...
3. "Hojo, Shinra Scientist" ("Maxwell's Silver Hammer", the Beatles)
Lovely Lucrecia, messing round with Jenova
Worked for Shinra Inc.
Had a thing for men in blue uniforms, o-o-o-oh
Hojo needed fun, thought he'd be a better one
For this lovely girl
"The world's next villain needs a new mother, so-o-o-o"
And before she can decide yes or no
They're necking in the night...
(ba-da bah bah)
Ha ha, Hojo, Shinra scientist, gone out of his head
Ha ha, Hojo got her, but are we sure that she is dead?
Vincent Valentine said "Lucrecia will be mine"
Hojo's not amused
"I'm the only man for Lucrecia, bo-o-o-oy"
They got in a fight, Hojo did his business right
Shot him in the arm
Used him for experimentation, o-o-o-oh
Now every time our Vin gets annoyed
He mutates 'fore our eyes...
(ba-dah bah bah)
Ha ha, Hojo, Shinra scientist, gone out of his head (doo doo da-doo doo)
Ha ha, Hojo got revenge, and now Vincent is undead
(Doo doo da-doo doo)
(solo)
Back in Nibelheim, yet another tinkering time
SOLDIERs Zack and Cloud
One succeeded, one is a failure, o-o-o-oh
Poor Zack bought the farm, Cloud was done some mental harm
Developed MPD (Developed MPD)
Wandered 'round and learned to kill in one blo-o-o-ow
But as old Hojo's charging the Ray
Cloud sneaks up from behind...
Ha, ha, Hojo, Shinra scientist, gone out of his head (doo doo da-doo doo)
Ha ha, Cloud just got him back, and now Hojo's finally dead (whoa whoa whoa)
(Doo doo da-doo doo)
Maaaan oooof Shiiiiinraaaa...
4. "Nibelheim (Not Back in Midgar)" ("Istanbul (Not Constantinople)", They Might Be Giants)
(Vincent's Song)
Nibelheim, not back in Midgar
Sleeps in Nibelheim, not back in Midgar
Been a long time since he lived down in Midgar
No more Turkish delight with a sniper sight
All the Shinra back up in Midgar
Wonder where Vince went, he's not back in Midgar
They remember when he ran round in Midgar
Shooting people up on their word
Even Meteor could barely stir this guy
Why he sleeps there, I can't say
The fangirls like him better that way
He's got the claw, the coolest in Midgar
Got lycanthropy and internal torture
He's the designated Dark Dude of Midgar
Looks like Hojo's given him the works
That's nobody's business but the Turks
Whhhhhhooooooahhhh...
Nibelheim (Nibelheim)
Whhhhhhooooooahhhh...
Nibelheim (Nibelheim)
Even Meteor could barely stir this guy
Why he sleeps there, I can't say
The fangirls like him better that way
(solo)
Do do do do...
Even Meteor could barely stir this guy
Why he sleeps there, I can't say
The fangirls like him better that wayyyyy!
So parachute him back into Midgar
Grab your shotgun shells and storm back to Midgar
Been a long time since he lived down in Midgar
Looks like Hojo's given him the works
That's nobody's business but the Turks...
Nibelheiiiiiiim...
5. "Our Favorite Cid" ("The Rascal King", Mighty Mighty Bosstones)
Well he was
Fueled by a lack of funding for his dream
The Shinra, they cut him back
And let him scream
Foul was his mouth and funny was his walk
A goofy swagger, but the latter was never in Disc One
Our favorite Cid, ha-ha, and never again
Will there ever be a Cid as cool as our Captain Highwind
Our favorite Cid, ha-ha, and never again
Will they write a script with so much swearing and still censor it
The Shinra gave him a plane
His pride and joy, they say
Despite its pink paint job
And of course its stupid name
But the Tiny Bronco had its day when Palmer came to call
Even hobbled it would wobble, but that thing would never fall
Our favorite Cid, ha-ha, and never again
Will there ever be a Cid as cool as our Captain Highwind
Our favorite Cid, ha-ha, and never again
Will they write a script with so much swearing and still censor it
(solo)
The most infamous in Seven
He smokes and swears, he yells and tears (Play it again!)
A hero and a hooligan, the parents up in arms (Play it again!)
A pack of Luckies in his hat (Play it again!)
He probably hates that Cait Sith cat (Play it again!)
Call him crude, but in this game
He beats that SeeD guy, what's-his-name!
Our favorite Cid, ha-ha, and never again
Will there ever be a Cid as cool as our Captain Highwind
Our favorite Cid, ha-ha, and never again
Will they write a script with so much swearing and still censor it
6. "Turning Into Zack" ("Turning Japanese", the Vapors)
(Cloud's Song)
It's something I could
Just never do
You got in SOLDIER
I said "Me too!"
Can't deal with failure so I said it wasn't true
I lost my job and
Half of my head
Turned mercenary
Just like you said
And I tried to get your girlfriend into bed
I ran to Midgar
To win young Tifa
But I ended up inside a glass tube
I wandered back there
Not just to see her
But to try to get my ego back too
And now I'm turning, and I'm turning, and I'm turning, and I'm turning
Yes I'm turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
(solo)
Then Tifa's father,
He took a picture
Of my hero Sephiroth, her, and you
I told the others
That it was me but
I was the only guard remaining of two
And now I'm turning, and I'm turning, and I'm turning,
Yes I'm turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
His hair, his sword, his clothes, his future, his past, his mind, no wonder Aerith was lost
Everyone has told me that my story's twisted
Everyone has heard me, but they haven't listened
Everyone...
And now I'm turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
(solo)
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so, hope so, hope so, hope so
Turning into Zack
I think I'm turning into Zack
I really hope so
7. "Spikey Ass" ("Heart of Glass", Blondie)
(Sephiroth's Song)
Becoming a god, it's been such a gas
As soon as I beat down Cloud's spikey ass
Thinks he's in SOLDIER, delusional ma-a-a-n
I'll show him who's boss fast as I can
Army of clones marching at my side
They're even more helpful when they've died
Made my big entrance in Nibelhe-i-i-m
Then Shinra's top bigwig ran out of time
Born to rule
The Planet's chosen me and I would be a fool
Not to hear its calling, it's been
Pretty cool
Exerting all my powers, yeah, it's just no use
To challenge me, you'll get crushed
Ruling the world, it'll all be mine
I'll grab all the Materia I can find
I'll call down Meteor and toast them a-a-a-all
I'll have that Cloud at my beck and call
Powerful,
There's no one else like me and it is pitiful,
That they will try to stop me and my
Fated rule,
The last of the real Ancients, yea-ah
(solo)
In the end,
I'll be the One Winged Angel and I'll meet again
Our silly hero Cloud now that he's on the mend
From his dip into the Lifestream, but it's all no use
I'll get them like I'm meant to
(Oooh-ooh, whoa-oh x4)
Ruling the world, it's been such a gas
As soon as I beat down Cloud's spikey ass
Thinks he's the real thing, delusional ma-a-an
I'll send him to Lifestream once again
(Oooh-ooh, whoa-oh x4)
8. "Pretty Fly (For a Bad Guy)" ("Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)", the Offspring)
(Rufus' Song)
Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh
Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh
Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh
And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a bad guy
Uno dos tres, do exactly as he says!
You know it's kinda hard just to rule the world today
But Rufus does his New Age thing and rules it anyway
His fighting is the lamest, he ends up getting shot
He wears this white Armani suit and chicks all think he's hot!
So don't debate, accept your fate
You know he'll have you in his power anyway
Gotta rule with fear, keep Shinra near
He'll find a way, he'll find a way
So if you can't fight, your freaky dog just might
And then if all else fails you can call the Turks in flight
The world needs dictators, so hey hey do that evil thing!
Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh
Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh
Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh
And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a bad guy
He needs a cool throne, not just any will suffice
So he stepped in just as Sephiroth got Daddy packed in ice
He cruises in his copter and sends SOLDIERs after Cloud
He never gets his hair messed up and cackles really loud!
So don't debate, accept your fate
You know he'll have you in his power anyway
Gotta rule with fear, keep Shinra near
He'll find a way, he'll find a way
So if you can't fight, your freaky dog just might
And then if all else fails you can call the Turks in flight
The world loves dictators, so hey hey do that evil thing!
Now he's got a problem yeah, there's Diamond Weapon
It's got his sights on him and there is nowhere to run
They say that Rufus is toast, yeah, he's going to trip
But he'll be brought back in a, in a lot of fics!
Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh
Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh
Flip that hair now Rufie, uh-huh, uh-huh
Uno dos tres, do exactly as he says
So don't debate, accept your fate
You know he'll have you in his power anyway
Gotta rule with fear, keep Shinra near
He'll find a way, he'll find a way
So if you can't fight, your freaky dog just might
And then if all else fails you can call the Turks in flight
The world needs dictators, ah
The world loves dictators, so
Let's get some more dictators!
So hey hey do that evil thing!
Notes: Lots of notes.
(Replaced, 4-07-00, because I'd forgotten a line break. I hate that...)
These were, for the most part, written for the MSTing of FFVII that I'm working on, but to be honest I just got impatient. It should compel me to write more as replacements, I suppose...
1. "Aerith's Alive" A pretty straightforward one. After hanging around FF message boards for a few months, I got really tired of many things--among them, cheaters and people who made up dumb rumors.
2. "Disc Three" Good gravy, was this hard. O_o (And even now, the syllables fit a bit too loosely for my taste.) Inspired by a scene in Disc 2, when Tifa wakes up in the Junon Upper Branch. Barret (?) mentions that Meteor will hit in one week, although the party has enough time to go through all manner of adventures. Apart from the title, this song's structure also fit the episodic nature of what I wanted to say.
3. "Hojo, Shinra Scientist" Does anyone KNOW this song? *sniff* My second-favorite one among these, next to "Pretty Fly". Believe it or not, I actually lost this entire lyric while rearranging files; by some miracle I remembered enough to reconstruct it. Whew.
4. "Nibelheim (Not Back in Midgar)" Inspired by my urge to make "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)" jokes in the MST whenever the Turks show up. And I couldn't resist making that comment about "lycanthropy" (werewolf-ism). If anyone was PAYING ATTENTION, Vincent is more of a werewolf than a vampire, despite the common association with vampires.
5. "Our Favorite Cid" Not too pleased with the way it turned out. Oh well.
6. "Turning Into Zack" I had to have a Cloud song. Had to. That's all.
7. "Spikey Ass" Actually the second Sephiroth parody-song I wrote; the first was a take on New Order's "Blue Monday" which may be rewritten for the MST. (Why do I keep doing disco songs for Seph? Maybe because it's SO out of character...)
8. "Pretty Fly (For a Bad Guy)" All sprang from that one line, jotted down for the MST: "And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a bad guy". It sticks a little too close to the original, but I still had great fun with it.
That's it, compadres. Thanks so much for reading. :D
