A/N: This is about Chekov's thoughts after losing Spock's mother. It is depressing. It is angsty. Ye Be Warned. Slight Pavel/Hikaru. This will be a full story. Please R&R.
I lost her. I lost her. Every time I thought that I slashed my wrist with the razor.
I am an idiot. I am a fucking idiot.
Why him? Why his mother of all people the calm cool and collected Vulcan that shows no emotion just showed how much I fucked this up.
A stinging tear rolled sown my cheek. I could have saved her. I should have been fast enough.
Blood dripped down my arm. I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't. I know it is wrong but I don't care. If he won't punish me than I will just have to punish myself.
"Pasha," Hikaru's voice called my nickname. I slashed again not wanting to be endeared or babied. I had fucked up. I needed to do something about it.
"Pavel," Hikaru called again. I slashed again, my sight blurred. Hikaru knocked on the door. Tears rolled down my face.
The knocking became more frantic.
"Pavel open up this instant. I mean it. I will get Scotty to break this door down," Hikaru's attempt to get the door open failed. I heard the comm signaling him calling Scotty.
"I'll open the door 'Karu," I called out my voice rasping. I sounded weak. I was weak.
I unlocked the door hoping that it wasn't the wrong decision. I slashed again as 'Karu walked in. His eyes widened in shock when he saw the bloody razor in my hand. 'Karu kneeled to the ground.
"Pavel stop," He whispered and pried the razor out of my hand. He put it on the sink and held me close to him soothing my sobs. My body shook.
"I-I I killed her," I sobbed. "I killed his mother. Why his 'Karu? Why am I so stupid?" I looked at him with question in my eyes.
"You're not stupid," he told me. I buried my head in his chest and sobbed harder.
"Sulu to sick bay," he said hitting his comm badge.
"Go ahead," McCoy's voice came.
"Get to Ensign Chekov's and my room right away. He needs emergency medical care," He said to McCoy.
"'Karu I'm fine I just-"
"No you're absolutely NOT fine Pavel," Hikaru yelled. He kissed my forehead gently.
"Don't ever do this to me again pasha. Please," His voice was strained as he tried not to cry. "Don't hurt yourself. When you do you hurt me."
"Where is he? Sulu!" McCoy's voice came through the door.
"He's in here doctor," Hikaru's voice was strained and it sounded like he was crying. I tried to open my mouth to comfort him but no words came out.
"Good god man! What happened?" McCoy shouted as he walked into the bathroom covered in my blood.
"He's emotionally unstable doctor," 'Karu's voice broke. I had had enough of this emotionally unstable shit.
"I am not emotionally unstable! I'm perfectly fine! I am just an idiot!" I cried out shoving Hikaru away. I began to sob uncontrollably.
"Leave me alone!" I shouted curling into a ball in the corner of the room.
"Nurse Chapel! Get me a sedative right now! This kid needs emergency attention!" McCoy shouted at the nurse.
I laughed humorlessly.
"I am not emotionally unstable. Я сударыняневолнениенестабильный," I felt 'Karu's hand on my shoulder. I weakly tried to push him away. I felt a sting in my neck.
"You're going to sleep now Pasha. It'll be okay," 'Karu's voice was the last thing I heard before I plunged into utter darkness.
Я сударыняневолнениенестабильный- I'm not emotionally unstable
