I don't even know how it happened. I had actually been doing better than I had been in a long time. I don't know what set me off really. I was just standing there in the middle of the street, but that's not what got me you see that happened a lot where I would just look up and I would be somewhere completely different.

Not even remembering how I got there, how long I had been there, just looking up and realizing I wasn't in a store, the forest, or at home anymore I was permanently on auto pilot. During one of those times I looked up and who were looking at me straight in the eye was her. The girl I'm in love with, but when I actually looked at her I realized it wasn't her, It wasn't my Bella just someone who looked like her. She was asking me if I was lost, apparently I had been standing here long enough for people to notice me. But when I looked at this stranger that's when I realized I needed to see Bella, just once.

I had tried to keep my distance; I hadn't seen her in person since I left five years ago. I hadn't seen the porcelain skin, hadn't seen the striking brown eyes, and hadn't heard her hypnotic voice in five years.

In these five years I started agreeing with Carlisle...there is such thing as Hell.

I quickly reassured the stranger that no I was not lost and left without saying another word. I was walking as fast as I could without alerting people of my...my sickness. As soon as I was out of sight of anyone I ran as fast as I could, trying to outrun my rational thought telling me not to do this. Not to ruin her life. I ran and ran, not stopping once I just kept going.

I finally felt myself getting closer recognizing the smell of wet moss on wood, feeling the weight finally coming off my chest making it bearable to breathe again. I hadn't had any news about her in three years because apparently Alice's visions only work if she's been around the person, which she hadn't. None of us had because I had forbidden it knowing that if any of us went to just "check" on her, none of them including me could just go without visiting her...so I had firmly said no.

I had to give her a chance at a normal life. I had to keep reminding myself of this though that under no circumstances could I speak to her, I had messed up enough for her already.

I had finally made it to forks several hours after my departure and was about to see her, see the girl that I would never forget...ever. I reached her house and took a moment to look at it, taking in every detail. Letting the memories wash over me, causing a very bittersweet moment. I inhaled deeply about to really appreciate non-painful breathing, and after I inhaled...everything went wrong. I didn't smell anything, no let me rephrase that I didn't smell her.