Author's Notes: I've got to make a couple things clear about this fic. It's fairly AU, most of canon has been twisted around in this fic to make the plot I wanted to have work the way I need it to. Faith never went bad, Joyce never died, season 8 comics details/events aren't included in this fic so no Satsu (yay) So...now that I've cleared up those few tiny factors, I hope you all enjoy reading this one :)


It was always the same, year after year. Faith could only sigh and sit back on the bench at the far end of the yard and stare up at the brightly lit house that was decorated top to bottom and ready to ring in the holiday's with cheesy Christmas decorations, and ready to be full of laugher and love amongst friends and family.

"Fucking hate Christmas," she mumbled under her breath as she took a swig of her beer and closed her eyes.

It was always around this time of year she'd sit back and reflect on the years that had gone by. She'd always drifted in and out of the lives of those who she considered her family. Buffy was the one reason she always came back and Buffy was the reason she'd stayed this time, longer than she ever had before. They'd never been close until she'd moved to Cleveland and she was determined, after ten long years of a rocky friendship, to keep building whatever strong, close bond they now shared.

Her life had been a whirlwind ever since the day they all fought the First. They had spent a week in LA before Giles herded them off to Cleveland. Faith tagged along at first, not knowing what else to do in that moment. It was barely even three days before she had enough and took off, heading back home to Boston and trying to find herself again. No matter where her life led her over the course of the next couple of years, she always found herself coming back 'home'. Always coming back to Buffy. To see her. To try to develop the kind of friendship they should have always had.

A loud crash coming from inside of the kitchen caused her to groan. She didn't move, not even when the wind picked up, chilling her to the core. She could hear Buffy and Dawn yelling at one another and then the sound of Joyce telling them to shut up. It was little things like this that she'd missed whenever she was gone. They made her feel a part of the family; they always had even when she would push them away when she needed her personal space. Joyce had become like a mother to her as well and she'd found herself time and time again sitting down to have a heart to heart with her whenever the need arose.

This was the family she never had before. She never had people in her life that loved her, cared about her and wanted her around. To say it took her a while to get used to the feeling was an understatement. It took her years, too many years of running and coming back, to finally accept it. She didn't just have the Summers woman as her family; she had Giles, Willow, Xander and Kennedy too. Living with them all in the same house drove her absolutely insane most days, tonight being the worst as it was the night before Christmas Eve.

"Faith?" Buffy yelled from the back door as she stuck her head out. "Are you going to sit out there all night or are you going to come in to help us?"

"Coming in a minute, B."

Faith took another swig of her beer and made no effort to move. Everyone was getting the house ready for the party the next day and Faith was doing her usual thing, staying out of the way for as long as she could get away with it. She shivered and gave in, walking as slowly as she could back up to the house. Everyone in the kitchen was in a frenzy when she walked in and slipped off her jacket. She walked over to the counter, lined with freshly baked cookies and other small appetizers and she reached for one of the cookies only to find her hand being slapped hard.

"Don't you dare," Buffy warned as she held up the spatula in her hand that she'd used to slap Faith's hand away. "Those are all for tomorrow night."

Faith raised an eyebrow as she looked at Buffy then back down at the sheets of cookies cooling on the counter. "Plan to feed an army tomorrow night, B?"

Buffy shook her head and sighed out exasperatingly as she turned and took yet another sheet of cookies out of the oven. The sound of Dawn giggling from the other end of the large kitchen made her break the gaze she'd let herself fall into with her eyes firmly trained on Buffy's butt. She snapped out of it long enough to take advantage of nobody looking and she snatched a handful of the still warm cookies and shoved them into her mouth, laughing as she ran out of the kitchen with Buffy hot on her heels.

It was a good feeling to know they had this kind of friendship now, where no matter how much Faith pissed Buffy off, it never really pushed her over the edge. The only thing the two of them stayed away from was talking about Buffy's boyfriend of the moment, which happened to be a guy named Luke she'd met while they all had been out drinking at a bar after a long night of tracking down a nest of vampires and dusting each and every last one of them. If Faith disliked the guys Buffy dated, she bit her tongue and stood back and watched as she got her heart broken again and again. No guy Buffy had dated in the last couple of years seemed to stick around after the six month mark and she and Luke were fast approaching it.

It was why Faith never did relationships. Nobody could deal with the life she lived and she wouldn't want to pull anyone into her life when even she wasn't so sure she'd make it to live another day. She got her kicks and kicked whoever she'd picked that night out of bed when she was finished with them. Old habits die hard and it kept her happy and satisfied, for the most part. But, living in a house with everyone else had made it nearly impossible when it came to her nightly habits. She felt like a teenager sneaking her random bed buddy in the house late at night and to her room. Maybe it was part of the thrill in the end, she really didn't know nor did she really care. She got what she wanted from them and kicked them out before they barely had a chance to breathe and bask in the afterglow.

It started when she moved back, the women. She wasn't sure why, but it was a thrill in itself. She'd been with women before, a handful of them throughout the years, but it'd become a regular thing, night after night. Nobody but Kennedy seemed to know about it either and the first night she'd caught Faith sneaking a random, drunk blond woman into her room, all she received was a raised eyebrow and a smirk from Kennedy as they passed each other in the hallway. Faith seemed to remember that night above all the others. The knowing glint in Kennedy's eyes caused her to take a step back and look at the bigger picture, which at the time had been hard since she had god knows how many shots of Jack flowing through her body.

She shook off her thoughts as she stopped running from Buffy and turned to face her. Buffy clearly hadn't expected the sudden stop and she slammed into her, both of them tumbling to the floor. For a brief second before Buffy got up from her, Faith could see something in her eyes that she'd never seen before. Something that she was used to seeing in the eyes of the women she'd bring back home. Before she had the chance to dwell on it, Buffy was up and already walking back to the kitchen, muttering under her breath at how Faith never listened. She laid there for a moment and tipped her head back as the front door opened.

"What you doing on the floor, Faith?" Xander asked as he walked in with Giles close behind him.

"Minor incident."

"You stole the cookies, didn't you?" Xander laughed as he shook his head and reached for her hand. "You think you'd know by now that it's a federal crime in this house to steal the Christmas cookies before the party."

"Yeah, yeah. You guys need any help?" Faith asked, noticing the bags Giles and Xander had brought in with them. "There more in the car?"

"Plenty," Giles nodded. "I'll need you two to put the beer in the fridge down in the basement and before you ask, no you may not have any tonight. It is for the party tomorrow."

Faith rolled her eyes as she slipped on her boots she'd left by the front door and headed down to Giles' car. Two trips and seven cases of beer later, she found herself in the basement with Xander, neither of them saying a word as they filled the fridge. She grabbed two bottles and handed one to Xander and sat down on the old worn couch and cracked open the beer.

"He's not gonna notice two gone. Figure its payment for bringing it in and stocking the fridge," Faith smirked at a weary Xander as he hesitated for a moment before he sat down next to her and opened his beer.

"Payment, right. Should you be drinking before patrol?"

"Who cares? You know me. I've been out piss drunk before and still came home in one piece."

"Barely," he pointed out, stifling a laugh as he took a sip of his beer. "When Buffy didn't kill you for coming home like that, I thought for sure Joyce would have."

"The wrath of the Summers' women is deadly. If there's one woman I'm afraid of more than Buffy, its Joyce. The woman has a death glare that could scare a thousand vampires away in a matter of seconds."

"You're afraid of Buffy?"

"Just when she gets in one of her bitchy, pissed off moods."

"Oh," Xander chuckled softly as he took another sip of his beer. "You mean those moods she gets into when the boyfriend of the moment breaks up with her?"

Faith nodded and smirked as she shook her head. She and Xander were close, always had been since Sunnydale, but it was different sometimes than her friendship with the others. They had deep, unbreakable bond, one very much like a brother and a sister would have. The last year had been a shock, not just for her, but for everyone. She moved back to find out that he and Dawn had been dating for well over a year and to say that she didn't see it coming was an undeniable fact. She was the only one who knew that he planned to propose to her on Christmas morning. He had even dragged her along a week ago to find the perfect ring for Dawn. She hated every second of it too. Just looking at him, how happy he was and how happy Dawn was with him, made her bitter. Only slightly.

"You gonna ask her in front of everyone?"

"No, I was thinking of doing it tonight actually, you know before the excitement and everything."

"Are you nervous?"

"What do you think?"

Faith laughed and playfully punched him in the shoulder. "Don't worry, man. You know she'll say yes."

"I hope so. I don't want her bringing up the fact that when I asked Anya I wasn't ready to take that step then. It's different now."

"Older, wiser, but not quite more mature," Faith laughed as Xander shot her a glare. "Sorry, but you know it's true."

"I know that," he sighed then smiled at her as he draped his arm over her shoulders. "So, Faith. Are you bringing a date tomorrow night?"

"Flying solo."

"I know a few guys who would love to be your date tomorrow night for the party."

"I haven't been..."

"What?"

"I haven't been driving stick since I got back," she mumbled.

"What?" Xander looked shocked and amazed at the same time. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah."

They sat there in silence, deafening yet comforting all at the same time. Faith could practically see the wheels turning in Xander's head. She didn't need to ask him what he was thinking, she knew. It wasn't like she could help thinking it either; it was practically throwing itself in her face. No matter how much she'd denied the feelings she knew she'd always felt for Buffy deep down inside, they were there and always would be and she would do what she always did and ignore them. It was what she did best. If she ignored it, she wouldn't think about it and it was one of those things she never wanted to think about. Ever.

"Are you ever going to tell her?"

"Tell who what?" Faith asked.

"Buffy."

"What about her?"

"Faith," Xander sighed as he shook his head at her. "All these years, all that...sexual tension and you mean to tell me you don't feel anything for her?"

"No," Faith lied as she quickly took another swig of her beer. "Me and B are friends. Nothing more."

"Right. Keep convincing yourself that, Faith. I'll keep convincing myself Anya is still alive while I'm at it. How about that?"

With a shake of her head, she laughed as she stood up from the couch and quickly downed the rest of her beer. She wasn't getting into this with Xander. She was already bitter about two things, Christmas and Xander's plan to ask Dawn to marry him. Everyone around her seemed to be moving forward in their lives and enjoying the holidays and all she could do was feel the bitterness of being alone. She left Xander down in the basement alone and headed upstairs.

Everyone was still in the kitchen, laughing and drinking and finishing getting things ready for the party the next day. Faith hoisted herself up on the counter next to the sink and for the first time since she'd came back she allowed herself to really look at Buffy. Something had changed about her and Faith knew right away by the look in her eyes that she was in love. She'd seen that look before, yet never as intense as she did tonight. She felt a stab of something unfamiliar deep inside of her and it made her inwardly groan as she hopped off the counter.

Jealousy. She was jealous for a multitude of reasons. Some of those she was just learning to open her heart to and accept. She nearly ran into Luke as he came in the kitchen with an armful of presents and booze.

"Watch it!" Faith snapped as she grabbed the few bags that threatened to fall from Luke's arms.

"Sorry, Faith. Didn't see you there," he said sweetly as he gave her a smile, the same smile she'd seem him give Buffy that always melted Buffy's heart. "Are you heading off somewhere?"

"Patrol."

"Stay for a drink. I brought presents."

"It's not Christmas yet," she muttered as she placed the bags she'd taken on the kitchen table.

"I realise that, but I won't be here until the end of the month. I've got to head down to Florida to see the family and I have three hours to convince Buffy to come with me," Luke laughed as he placed the rest of the bags on the table and walked over to Buffy.

Faith stood in the doorway, watching as he leaned in and kissed Buffy. The burning pit of jealousy deep inside of her sparked and she couldn't find it in her to look away. She clenched her fits at her sides as she spun around and walked out of the kitchen, unable to stand the sight of the two of them clearly not caring as they displayed their affections in front of everyone.

She hated Christmas.

She hated Luke.

She hated how jealous she felt and she hated the fact that she now knew for a fact that she was in love with Buffy. The feeling of jealousy had really hit that final nail in the coffin where her denial had now been put to rest. She was no longer going to bite her tongue with how she felt about Buffy being with Luke. There was only so much she could take, so much she could witness before she knew she'd lose it completely. She was almost out the front door when she remembered she'd left her jacket back in the kitchen. Muttering under her breath the entire time, she strode back in, grabbed her jacket and was out the back door before anyone could say a word.

Faith had barely made it to the back gate when she heard the sound of footsteps running after her. She didn't need to look back to know it was Buffy. She stopped when Buffy grabbed onto her jacket and forced her to turn around and look at her.

"What's wrong with you tonight?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are you pissed off about something?" Buffy asked, staring intensely at her. Even in the darkness Faith felt herself drawn into those green eyes, the same eyes she'd realized she did nothing but avoid looking into in most instances. "You're not going to talk, are you?"

"Are you going with him?" Faith mumbled under her breath as she took a few steps away from Buffy.

"No, you know I can't. As much as I'd love to go with him and go somewhere warm for Christmas, I belong here with my family, my friends, and you. Is that what this is about? You didn't want me to go with Luke to see his family?"

"It's not always about you, Buffy."

"Talk to me, tell me what's bothering you so I can stop making the wrong assumptions!"

"Forget about it."

"Forget about it?" Buffy laughed as she stopped Faith from walking away. "I'm not going to forget about it. Whatever it is that's bothering you right now happened while you were down in the basement with Xander. What did you two talk about?"

"Nothing."

Buffy crossed her arms over her chest and looked at Faith. She really looked at her long and hard. Faith shook her head as she leaned against the side of the house, her hands digging into the pockets of her jacket as she looked for her cigarettes. She knew she'd crossed the line, treading into the forbidden boundaries of being in love with someone who was supposed to be her best friend. She allowed her eyes to drift over to Buffy and what she saw when she looked into Buffy's eyes made her heart quicken just that little bit more.

There was definitely something different with the way Buffy was looking at her, something like the way she'd looked at her before when she'd chased her out of the kitchen. She wasn't going to assume it was anything. It never got her very far in the past and it would definitely get her nowhere with Buffy now.

"Faith," Buffy sighed as she took a step closer to her. "I know you hate Christmas and everything that comes along with it, but do you have to act like this?"

She shrugged as she pulled out her pack and took out the last cigarette. She ignored the look of disgust on Buffy's face as she lit it and leaned her head back against the cool bricks. Her thoughts were beginning to worry her. She didn't do the whole falling in love thing, but it seemed like she'd do anything when it came to Buffy. She came back because Buffy had practically begged her to. She settled down because Buffy told her it was time to find a place to call home for once in her life. She ignored her feelings because she knew Buffy would never want to be with someone like her.

"What's going on in that head of yours? Aren't you going to talk to me?"

"No."

"Come on, Faith. Whatever it is, you can talk to me about it," Buffy said with a soft smile.

"No, I really can't."

"Can we at least go inside and pretend not to be having this talk? It's too cold and I feel like I'm about to turn into an icicle here."

Faith chuckled, glancing at Buffy as she shivered and wrapped her arms around herself in an attempt to get herself warm. She held back the crude remarks that were just begging to slip out. She'd managed over the years to hold back her innuendos around Buffy. It was no longer fun for her to watch Buffy blush and stutter as she tried to change the subject. It wasn't fun because of how she felt about Buffy deep down. It was different now. What was harmless flirting really wasn't anymore.

"Let me go grab a warmer jacket and I'll come out on patrol with you," Buffy said as she shivered again. "God, you'd think that the vamps would stay inside on a night like tonight. Have some consideration you know?"

"They don't feel the cold, B."

"It just doesn't make any sense. Nobody in their right mind would be out on a night as cold as tonight so why would they be out?"

"Dunno," Faith shrugged. "You sure you want to leave the boy-toy to come out on patrol with me?"

"He'll understand if I am gone for a couple of hours."

"Right, cos he's so fucking considerate like that," she muttered as she rolled her eyes. "Where do you find these guys, B. Honestly?"

Buffy said nothing as she shrugged. The sound of laughter lured Buffy back in the house and with a quick glance back and a rather sombre look on her face she disappeared inside and left Faith standing out there alone in the cold. Faith rolled her eyes again and flicked her cigarette to the ground and headed back inside. The only thought in her head was 'fuck patrol'. She needed a drink.

She managed to bypass everyone in the kitchen and headed down to the basement, cracking open a beer and sitting back on the couch. She closed her eyes and tried to drown out the laughter coming from above her. She wanted to go up there and join in on whatever fun they were having, but she was being miserable. She hated holidays. They'd never been fun for her. They just brought back a lot of bittersweet and horrible memories from her pathetic excuse for a childhood she would rather just forget.

She tensed at the sound of the basement door opening and she quickly drank back her beer and stuck the empty bottle behind the couch as Giles came down. He raised an eyebrow at her as he walked to the fridge and pulled out two bottles of beer. She sighed out a little as he handed her one and sat down next to her on the couch.

"Skipping patrol tonight?"

Faith nodded as she took a swig of her beer. "Too cold. Didn't feel like going out either."

"I suppose a few nights off would be okay," he said with a chuckle then shook his head. "Any particular reason you are down here?"

"Hate Christmas."

"I know you do. Everyone is having a wonderful time upstairs."

"So I can hear."

"Is there something bothering you, Faith?"

"You mean besides the fact I fucking hate Christmas?" Faith asked and Giles nodded. "Nope."

They sat there in silence, just listening to the sounds of laughter coming from upstairs. Giles had been great to her and he'd been like a father to her since Sunnydale. He was also a friend, which counted for a lot. She'd never been able to talk to him about the things that went through her head nor could she ever talk to him about how she felt about Buffy either. She couldn't talk to anyone about Buffy. It was a forbidden subject to her and up until very recently she wouldn't even allow herself to think about her feelings for Buffy.

If Giles was as observant as Xander, surely he already knew how she felt. Living with everyone was hard for Faith to keep things to herself, including the feelings for Buffy she'd thought she'd been able to hide even from herself. Maybe it was the few beers she'd had that night that was getting to her, making her feel like she was about to break down and tell Giles everything or maybe it was something else. The night had barely begun and she already wished it'd end.

Kennedy came downstairs then, groaning as she opened the fridge and helped herself to a beer and sat down in between Faith and Giles on the couch.

"It's a nuthouse up there. Xander just proposed to Dawn."

"What?" Giles looked shocked as he stood up from the couch. "You are joking?"

"I am not. He just all of a sudden got down on one knee, had this whole cute speech and she said yes. They're all freaking out upstairs right now. Too much excitement for me to handle," Kennedy said as she shuddered. "Are you heading out on patrol soon, Faith? Care for some company?"

"Gonna skip out on patrol tonight."

"You never skip patrol."

Faith shrugged as she propped her feet up on the small, worn coffee table in front of her. "Too fucking cold."

Giles shook his head as he finished off his beer and headed back upstairs. The second the door was closed Kennedy turned to Faith with a smirk curling across her lips.

"What?"

"So...we need to talk, Faith."

"About what and why does everyone want to have some sort of fucking talk tonight?"

"You've been acting strange lately. Closed off."

"Your point?"

"I just want to know what's going on. This has nothing to do with Buffy, does it?"

"What? No."

"Faith..."

"Ken, why the fuck does everyone seem to think I have some kind of feelings for Buffy?"

"Because you do. It's obvious with the way you look at her. I know I'm not the only one who has noticed these things. Willow pointed it out for the millionth time tonight about the way you were acting when Luke showed up. Jealousy is one of the hardest things to hide when it comes to someone you love."

"Shit."

She'd gone from denial, to jealousy, to blatantly admitting it to herself, to having to hear from Kennedy that it was undeniably obvious that she had deep feelings for Buffy, and it had all crashed down into the open in the course of a night. This is why she hated holidays. Secrets were always thrust out into the open when one least expected it.

"I don't even want to begin to point out the girls you've been bring back almost every night either. I mean, really, Faith. Some of them look like they could be Buffy's carbon copy."

"Never noticed."

"Right and I never noticed how gay I am even though I've been fucking women since I was twelve years old," Kennedy snorted as she rolled her eyes. "When are you going to grow a pair and tell Buffy how you feel?"

"Never?"

"Faith..."

"What?"

"Forget about it. We'll talk about this another time. Come upstairs and we'll steal some of those cookies when they aren't looking," Kennedy laughed as she got up from the couch and pulled Faith up with her. "Then we can make fun of Luke behind Buffy's back and get drunk and hope to god we don't end up doing something embarrassing tonight."

"Nah, we'll save the embarrassing shit for the party tomorrow night."

Faith quickly finished her beer, leaving the empty bottle on the coffee table and followed Kennedy upstairs. The relief on her face was clear to almost everyone when she saw that Luke was no longer there, but the relief turned into something else when she saw Buffy standing by the stove looking as if she was about to cry. She didn't even need to ask Buffy what was wrong. She already had an idea and she knew that Buffy was clearly upset over the news of Dawn and Xander's engagement.

Unable to find it in herself to go up to Buffy and offer her the friendly words that she longed to hear, to tell her it'd happen for her one day, she joined everyone at the table and tried so desperately to keep herself from looking over at Buffy. And she failed. There was no use fighting it anymore. She was already on the road to getting her heart broken and her dreams shattered once again and it was all because she loved Buffy. She knew that she'd never have a chance in hell to be with her. Buffy would never see her as nothing more than a friend, than a fellow Slayer who had been there for her on and off through some of the best and the worst times of her life.

She knew she was digging herself in a deep hole and she knew that she had been doing it for a hell of a lot longer than just tonight. She was feeling too much and not enough and she wanted the world to stop spinning long enough for her to be able to catch up and slow down at the same time. She wanted to stop feeling so confused, so conflicted. She was getting too old for this shit.

Kennedy had been right. She needed to grow a pair and just tell Buffy how she felt. Easier said than done.