Title: Finding

Author: wbelisabeth

Rating: PG-13.

Summary: Things don't just disappear. Inanimate objects. People. Feelings. Pink Elephants. Nothing truly disappears. Not when you want it to.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the copyrighted materials referenced in this fic. I am not making any money out of this it's just for fun. References to any real people, places events etc... are done so in a fictional context only.

AN - Hi! I've been writing a new fic for a couple of days/ weeks. Thought I'd post the first chapter. Just a note though, while the main characters are Callie and Arizona, it's not necessarily them together. Before I am lynched... in my defense I ship Calzona, so maybe I might find a happy ending somewhere. Maybe. MAYBE. But this story is not necessarily about them as a couple...ok so maybe it is :)

I do not watch PP so I don't know much about Addison except what I learnt on GA, so therefore this cannot be classed as a crossover.

This fic is going to be EPIC. Now I do not mean epic as in 'awesome' (I do hope it will be good though!), I mean EPIC as is the Illiad type epic (without the whole poetry thing - I am not Homer and Grey's does not warrant a new Shakespeare.) It's a big idea. And to do it right will take time. And patience.

Ok, real WARNING: this does deal with some possible spoilers regarding the rest of the season, though admittedly the majority of the groundwork was down for this before I saw the 'possible' spoilers. Basically it's pure speculation for the first chapter and then veers off to where creative license reigns supreme.

This fic: Dark. At least for the first chapter. It gets lighter and lighter. You'll see! Well, hopefully you'll read it.


"So we are going to talk about it?"

"Yeah, we are going to talk about it."

Arizona's head drops immediately. She gets off the bed and heads back into the bathroom. She comes out fully dressed and Callie stares at her questioningly.

"Why are you dressed?"

"Because at the end of this conversation I will be leaving." She looks to the side and a tear falls down her cheek.

"We are talking about it, we aren't fighting about it." The blonde moves back over to the bed, this time closer to the headboard. She sits and faces Callie.

"The fact is Calliope, that you want children. And you are going to be a great mother some day. Amazing. You are going to love him or her or them, so much. But I can't be with you for that. I don't want children."

"I love you?"

"And I love you. But this is not something that we can work through, it's something you seem to passionately want and it's something that I passionately don't want. Think about it. If we have kids, I'll resent you for it and if we don't have kids you'll resent me for it… There is no middle ground. There is no compromise."

Callie nodded in agreement. Tears stared falling. Arizona leaned in and wiped the tear from her face. She leaned in and kissed the brunette in a short chaste kiss. When she pulled back their eyes met in mutual understanding and sadness. The blonde tried to smile, but failed. She bit her lip.

"This sucks, I know, but one day you'll find someone who wants the same thing as you. Really."

"Thank you." She sighs defeated. "For kissing a stranger in a bathroom. For helping me be amazing, with you. Like you."

"I'm going to go."

"Stay? For tonight?"

"We have to let go. I know if I don't leave now… it's just going to be harder."

"I know. You're perfection. You're the best thing to have ever happened to me and after you leave here, you won't be."

"I, I think we should... not be around each other for a while… to maybe lessen the… hurt? Maybe avoid each other for a bit. We seem kind of good at it." Arizona gulped and forced a smile. She wiped her cheeks. Both women still didn't move. They just sat, tears falling, looking at each others pained expressions. Wishing that they could take the others pain away. Callie finally collected her thoughts. Arizona was right. Some distance was required. They could remain professional, one day they might be able to function as friends, but the next few weeks were not going to be fun-filled.

"I think that's a good idea. I think… I'm going to go see Addison in LA. I need… I can't be here and see you and not… I need time."

Arizona nodded. The peds surgeon leaned forward and kissed Callie on the cheek with an almost inaudible 'I love you' whispered into her ear.

"I'll come by in a couple of days to get my stuff… when you are gone."

With that she picked up her purse and walked out of the apartment.


Callie remained in her bed curled up in a ball. Crying. She had felt heartbreak before. She had felt betrayed and abandoned. But this was entirely different. All she could feel was hopeless.

Knock Knock.

She sat up. Could that be? Could Arizona have reconsidered? Who else could it be? She ran to the door and opened it as quick as she could. Mark was standing in front of her. She cursed herself for being so foolish. Arizona is not coming back. She let yet another tear leave her eye. She looked at Mark and his face was of panic. Sheer panic.

"Mark – what's wrong."

"Cal, Sloan is – and the baby is coming – here – I need Arizona."

"She's not here." Callie replied automatically. Without thinking, she went and got her coat. "How far apart are the contractions?"

"Umm… I don't - I'm not sure - I."

"It's ok Mark, I'll go and get a wheelchair and we'll get Sloan to the hospital. Ok? Now go back in there and be with your daughter. Tell her everything will be alright. I'll get help."

"Call Arizona. She's"

"She's a pediatric surgeon, not an Obstetrician ok? She's going to be as much help as I am. Now your daughter is alone, so go sit with her."

"Teddy's with her, I'll come get the wheelchair."

"Mark David Sloan! She is your daughter and she is probably scared out of her mind and you leave her with a total stranger? She came from goodness knows where for you to help, so you are going to go help. Understood?"

Mark nodded and headed back to his apartment, while Callie ran to the hospital and brought back a wheelchair.

Six hours passed and Baby Riley was born.


"I don't want to hold him." Sloan responds as Mark tries to hand over the baby. He pulls the baby back up to his chest awkwardly. He looks down at the baby. His very own eyes staring back at him. A swell of pride stirs in him. This little boy's life flash before his eyes. The little league games, learning to drive, his first date. Mark cringed at the thought. He felt a sudden urge to teach, to show him how to be a gentleman, to show the boy how to not to make him a great-grandfather before he was 60.

"Sloan, I know it's not the best time, but what are you going to do?"

"I – I can't have him. I can't be my mom. I can't. I want you to look after him. You and the other doctor. You can give him a life that I can't. My mom may have done it without her family, but I can't." Mark softens and takes another look at him.

"Hold him. Just hold him." Again he moves the baby, awkwardly trying to pass him over. "Look at him. Look at how beautiful he is."

"But I have no job, no money, nothing. I have barely finished school."

"You have money, you have my money. And you can stay with me as long as you want. You and him. You won't be alone. I will help however I can. I'll back you up. I'll pay for childcare if you want to go to College. Don't let this be the biggest regret of your life be because of money, I have money. I may not have supported you and your mom before, but I can now. Let me help you now."

"You think that I could look after him?" She looked up into his eyes, unsure and vulnerable.

"I think you are his mother, and I think that if you want to, you can."

Sloan for the first time let herself think of the future with this baby. With her son. Mark offered the boy over to her and this time she accepted him. She allowed herself to take in his features.

"I think, I want to look after him. If you help. I'll definitely need help."

"I can do that. I can help you with him." He smiles at her.

"I, I think I know what his name should be." She says caressing the baby's face. "Lincoln. Lincoln Samuel Riley."

"Lincoln huh?" He leans closer to the baby. Smiling.

Callie loiters at the door, taking in the sight of Mark Sloan cooing over a baby. She smiled slightly but the dull ache returned to her chest. 'Keep breathing. One breath at a time Callie.' She thought. She stepped into the room and cleared her throat. Both occupants looked up.

"Congratulations!" She smiled meekly.

"You are in here early?" Mark looks at his watch and in surprise to see the time. 6:30am. "You get paged or something?"

"I couldn't sleep so I came to see the joy." She cringed at her words. 'God! Does EVERYTHING have to remind me of Arizona?' She thought.

"Arizona not there to keep you warm?" Mark regretted the words as soon as he saw the look on her face. Her almost non-existent smile change to that of a frown. She recovered quickly, much to her credit.

"I just wanted to see you before I leave for California."

"You're going to see Addie?"

"Yeah, I'm just going to work on my tan." She avoided his eyes and looked over at the baby. "I thought I would drop by and see the little heart-breaker, before I headed off." With a look at Sloan and Lincoln he walked over to Callie and in a lowered voice he asked.

"What happened Cal?"

"Nothing."

"Did she do something?"

"No."

"Then why did your face drop just then?"

"Because she is the most beautiful woman on this planet. She smiles and lights up my world. She is still the best thing to happen to me, even if we did break up last night. And I need for her not to be the centre of my universe. And I need her not to be, not be any of that."

"Why?"

"She works with newborns all day Mark, why would she want to be surrounded by them in her personal life too?" A smile at the irony crossed her face. She should have guessed from the opening comments, the very beginnings of their relationship. "The kid thing. Turns out it's more of a problem than I thought. So I am driving to Addison's house and I am going to drink cocktails and sunbathe all day. For two weeks."

"When do you leave?"

"In about 4 minutes. What's happening with Sloan?"

"She's staying here. She's going to look after the baby. I'm going to help a little." He smiles looking over at his family. Content to watch his daughter and grandchild – relieved that she was letting him into her and her son's life.

"That's great news. I'm happy for you." She sounded a little disappointed.

"You'll have one of your own. You will."

She was surprised that her saw through her so easily.

"As a kid, I dreamt of marrying a man and staying home raising children. As I got older I dreamt of being a surgeon and juggling motherhood, then when George came along I though 'this is it – this is my shot'. When Erica came along, I re-evaluated. I still wanted kids, I just wanted them with a women. Then Arizona heely'ed her way into my life. I saw a little boy with her hair, eyes and dimples sprouting the words super and awesome. I've never been one to imagine my children that vividly, but with Arizona, I didn't have imagine, he just kind of popped into my head. I'm 32, I know it's not that old for kids, I know that much older women have kids all the time. I'm concerned... What if I never find the right someone to have them with?"

"Well what about you and I go halves on a kid? Say, if you aren't committed to someone in a couple of years, and I'm not… We'd be ok parents."

"Mark that is ridiculous. I love you, I do. You are the best friend I have ever had, but we couldn't have that type of relationship. We'd kill eachother." She smiled at the thought of them sharing parenthood together. They both knew that sort of arrangement would be a disaster. "I want that." She looks over at Sloan who is staring in awe at her son. She was taking in every detail, every birthmark, every freckle, and every blemish of the tiny wrinkly baby. Mark looked at Sloan and then at Callie.

"You'll find the right person and the right time and you'll have them. Go have fun and enjoy the sun. Relax. Ok?"

The thought of 'If you wait for the right time, you'll never have them' hit her like a slap in the face. She plastered the most sincere smile on her face that she could conjure up and then nodded. Hugging Mark she whispered a 'Congratulations Grandpa' before quickly exiting.


She drove for hours. She had planned to have breaks every 2 hours, but once on the road, all her plans flew out the window. She had stopped once, just out of Salem, for gas and bought a chocolate bar but from then she just kept going. What had originally been planned 2 hour intervals soon turned to 4 hours finally turning into 6 hours. She realized that it was now 5pm and she was hungry and really tired. The yawning had become a real problem in the last 20 minutes, tipping her off that she really did need to pull over at the next stop. She saw an off-the-road diner advertised on a dodgy beaten up sign and followed the arrow. Once there she pulled up. She didn't stay long. Just enough to eat, drink, fill her car up and stop yawning. The yawning came back just before Sacramento and Callie decided that she'd had enough driving for the day. 14 hours was more than enough. Her doctor's brain had been telling her that 'fatigue kills' all day, the exhaustion had finally won over.

She pulled into a hotel and asked for the room with the biggest bath they had. The bath was soon filled up with water and once full it was occupied until the water turned cold. She got out, tired and defeated. The next thing to do was to call Addison to give her an update on her whereabouts, while trying not to burst into tears. She fell back onto the bed, once Addison had hung up, and let it all out. She climbed under the covers and curled up into the fetal position. The last thing that her mind let her see was the blonde little boy with dimples that she would never have.


People always told her 'things would look better in the morning'. They don't. Not after George. Not after Erica. Therefore she had already known that there would be no way in hell things would look better in the morning after Arizona. It had been the first night she'd been able to sleep at all. It wasn't comforting. It was lonely. She was in a king size bed – the biggest bed she'd seen in her life and it made her feel empty and alone lying in it. So by 5am, she'd had enough tossing and turning and got up, had a shower and got back on the road. By 2pm she arrived on Addison's doorstep, much the same as she'd arrived at the diner the day before. Really tired and hungry.

"You look like crap."

"Thanks."

It took all of a second for Addison to realize that Callie needed a hug and it took all of a second for Callie to break down.

"Shhhh… It's going to be ok."

"Don't lie."