CHAPTER 1, PART 1 - 'FLAKE EATER'

'What do I find? But a greasy freebooter!'

'Indeed,' replied Snake. 'Indeed.' He's smoking.

'I see you're something of a badass, Snake. That's fine- I'd expect nothing less of a man with the same codename as the boss.'

Snake coughs. 'And which boss is that?'

'You havn't met him, and I suspect you never will.'

'Oh really?' rasps Snake.

'Yes, really. But you know what, Snake? You and I are soldiers- a dying breed.

'How do you know?'

'It's quite simple. When you turned in this boy to me, I knew that you felt it too.'

'Sorry Jack,' Snake says. Raiden's all tied up in the back. 'Felt what?'

'Our connection. I don't know exactly how it happened…'

Snake interrupts. 'Listen old man. I don't want my last few minutes of smoking spoilt by your muddled anecdotal bullshit.'

'Ah but you will listen.'

'Why?'

'Because this story is about how gay Raiden is.'

'Yeh get with it old man all the stories are about how gay Raiden is.'

'Ah but this one's different. You'll just have to listen.'

Reluctantly Snake pulls a seat up to the fire and listens.

One day in… erm… Manhattan, say, there was a gay boy. His name was Raiden.

'No- you mean his name was Jack.'

That's what I said. Jack was a gay little boy. He was leader of the gay boy unit.

'That's the small boy unit, you moron.'

Listen, Snake- I'm telling this story. It may not be exactly how you remember it but it'll be cool anyway. Trust me, yeh? After all I'm your father.

'But…'

Don't ask. For fuck's sake don't ask. Anyway, as I was saying… this gay fellow Raiden was walking down the street in Manhattan. 'Ghosh that little flake is gay,' said Vamp. He starts licking himself, all horny like. And then climbing up the walls. He's watching from the top of a building, you see, 'coz, after all he's pretty gay too. Or bi-. Or whatever. Point is Vamp's up there getting all hot over Raiden.

'I say we kill him,' said The Fear and…

'Look The Fear wasn't alive in 2005.'

Snake, man…. Shut the fuck up and listen, son. Anyway where was I… oh yeh. 'Oh Jack,' said Rose.

'Rose was there?' Snake gets hebitchmanslapped by … 'Hey who are you anyway?'

I am The Boss. Your Boss. The Big Boss. Snake gives that 'are you serious?' look. 'Aw who cares just finish the story.'

Okok. The Fear, now he's got an even longer tongue than Vamp so you know he's gotta be a fag. He starts licking himself too. So they're all up there licking eachother. Rose says 'Jack what day is it?' Raiden's thinking 'man this chick is really cramping my style,' as he begins to drift off into remembering why it he's with her in the first place. Cue Raiden's first night in a gay bar. The little blonde mother walks up to the bar and sits down. 'Give me an Avian.' 'We only serve big boy drinks here bud.' A fat old white guy sits down next to him. It's totally The End. 'Can I get a drink for the bird?' he says. 'What bird?' says Raiden. 'This one,' says The End. 'There's no bird here,' says Raiden. 'Look closer,' says The End, at which point it becomes obvious to anyone watching that this is either The End failing to deal with the fact that Big Boss killed his parrot some 60 years ago OR its some kind of extremely bizarre near-future style homosexual innuendo shit. One or the other. But not to Raiden. This dumb gay little bastard just stares up at the old bastard, wide blues eyes shining in the dim light of the stuffy bar, as though nothing else mattered…

'Hate to interrupt, Boss, but first off didn't you shoot the parrot?'

'What?'

'The parrot. The End's parrot. It's dead, but you said Big Boss killed it.'

'So?'

'You're Big Boss.'

'…'

'Right?'

'Yes.'

'So?'

'So what?'

'So why did you say Big Boss shot the parrot. Why didn't you say I shot the parrot.'

'…'

'C'mon, Dad.'

'I shot the parrot.'

'Why didn't you say that the first time?'

'I refer to myself in the third person.'

'Since when?'

'Sometimes.'

'I've never heard that before.'

'…'

'Fuck that then. Secondly… "wide blues eyes shining in the dim light…" what the hell is that? You getting off on this story?'

'I fully get into it…' Snake rolls eyes. '…son.'

'Ergh…. Just finish the story.'

Well where was I upto. You confuse me heaps, boy. So at The End's house…

'We're at The End's house now?'

Chill the fuck out. Bitch. The atmosphere is crucial. The lino was all polished up… dinnerware for two set out neatly on the table… some romantic music playing (can't say what song or by who 'coz I'm not down with it, dawg)… empty birdcage swaying…

'I'm getting bored of this.'

Ok fine. Long story short, they had a kid, and it's Ocelot.

Snake is pissed.

Continues in Part 2 of Chapter 1 – Flake Eater