Beta: RisqueSno

Spoilers: You really should read my fic entitled "Two of a Kind" first.

Disclaimer: DC owns all these characters and WB owns DC and Time Warner owns WB and I'm pretty sure the rest of the world.

Author notes: This follow-up to "Two of a Kind" came to me almost immediately after I had wrapped up the first fic. I like the idea that the circle of rogues in the Bat-books is so tight and exclusive that you really can't keep much from any of them. And also, I think it important to point out that, of all of them, Harley has something of a heart left…though when comparing her to the rest, I guess that doesn't mean much.


No Good Deed: Chapter One

She played his games. She knew them backwards and forwards by now and when he said jump she'd eagerly asked, "How high?" She supposed most people would find it intolerable. Truth be told, even she had moments when it felt like she could barely take anymore.

But then, she had her games too. Of course, they weren't played nearly as often, but she knew that she cherished her few moments far more than he ever did his.

They were playing one of her favorite games right now: Happy Housekeeper. He was completely unaware he was in the game at all as per usual, but that never bothered her.

Harley was dressed in her typical red and black bodysuit with the addition of a frilly apron. She made herself busy in their make-shift kitchen as Joker lounged back in the adjoining room, channel surfing.

In her fantasy, Harley so easily pictured being in a quaint little home in the suburbs with a white picket fence. She'd spend her days making the house presentable for her weary husband to relax in after a long day at the office. With every meal she'd set out biscuits made from scratch.

When she was of clearer mind Harley realized how ridiculous this fantasy was. She had chosen one of the only people on the planet that neither could, nor would, ever give her even a taste of it. Ironically, he's the only man that made the formerly career-dedicated young woman ever think about settling down as a doting housewife. Not to mention she couldn't cook to save her life…and she meant that literally, having the scars to prove it. And why did her fantasy always take place in the 1950s? "Must have watched too much 'Leave It to Beaver' as a child," she'd reflect.

It had taken a lot of practice, but she eventually managed to get three dishes just about perfect. Harley wasn't sure why this particular skill proved so difficult to her, but she'd willingly sacrifice much more time and effort to make her Puddin' happy.

She was in the middle of what appeared to be another successful pot roast when they both heard someone slamming against what had been designated as their front door. The Joker instantly shut off the television and grabbed the gun sitting on a wood crate that Harley had made the coffee table.

"I'll get it," a still stuck in the 1950s Harley sing-songed. She straightened her apron as she made her way to the door.

"No, you idiot!" Joker warned. "No one is supposed to know we're here!"

His warning fell on deaf ears. Harley opened the door to find Two-Face on the other side, larger than life.

"YOU!" he shouted maddeningly while pointing at her. It was more than enough to jolt her back into reality.

Harley slammed the door shut again and stood momentarily frozen with her back against it. With a desperate, "Oy!" she darted back into the kitchen and ducked behind the cabinetry.

Joker heard Two-Face at the door and watched Harley's strange reaction. Being understandably curious, he answered the still insistent banging.

"Harvey! What a pleasant surprise," he greeted the intruder insincerely.

"Can it, clown! I've been tracking you for two weeks. Is it possible for you to stay in the same place two nights in a row?" he complained.

"I'm flattered you'd go through so much trouble for little 'ol me, but I thought your taste leaned more toward lesbo-cops these days."

Two-Face threw him a disgusted look. "I'm here for Harley, you sick freak!"

"Finally!" Joker exclaimed. "I knew if I just waited long enough, someone would eventually come along to take her off my hands. Now the question is price. She's annoying as hell, but she does curve in all the right places." He paused to consider this a moment. "I'm afraid this is going to take some thought. Come back tomorrow and I'll have you an offer."

"Don't play dumb with me!" Two-Face demanded, which left Joker at a loss. The fact was, he had no idea what was going on, but he couldn't let Two-Face know that. Fortunately, Harvey was kind enough to clue him in without his asking.

"That bitch of yours shot Renee! You have another think coming if you think I'm going to just let that slide," he spat threateningly.

Now brought somewhat up to speed, Joker chose his next move. "I'll be with you in just a tic." Then his voice dropped an octave. "And when I return, I expect we'll be watching our language." He wasn't sure why he had to keep reminding everyone that only he had the right to treat Harley as he pleased, but it was irritating.

Joker shut the door behind him, but could still hear Two-Face muffled voice on the other side. "Don't think about trying anything funny. I wasn't stupid enough to come here alone."

Harley was still out of sight. Joker leaned over the cabinetry separating the kitchen from the living area, looking down to find Harley frantically scrubbing the floor.

"Harley, what are you doing?" he asked calmly.

"This floor is really icky and I know how you hate a mess," she responded as though nothing else was going on.

"Uh-huh. Listen, Harl: Who's Renee? Why'd you shoot her and not tell? More importantly, why does our visitor care?"

Harley gave up the scrubbing act, but refused to look at her interrogator. "I did tell you about it. Remember a couple of weeks ago when I lost your happy meal? I told you I had a run in with a cop and you said you were tired of my excuses."

Joker suddenly realized what the issue was. "You shot the lesbo-cop! Are you out of your mind?"

Harley finally looked up at him and tried to explain. "I didn't know it was her! It was dark. I backed off once I figured it out."

"Then she isn't dead?" Joker asked.

"N-no…She's fine." Harley had never seen him not want someone dead before, with the exception of making sure the person was still around so he could handle it personally.

"Good. That's something anyway," Joker muttered. "You are going to go out there and tell him whatever he wants to hear. I don't have the time nor the resources for a war with Two-Face right now, particularly one you started."

"But what if he doesn't want to talk?" Harley asked nervously.

"This isn't Croc, Harl. Harvey is smart enough to know better than to lay a hand on you." He then forcibly grabbed her head piece and began to pull her to her feet. "Plus, I don't give a shit," he added as he pushed Harley through the door and followed her out.

"Uh, H-hi, Harv. What's up?" she said innocently, positioning herself as close to the Joker as possible.

At that moment, a panicked, high-pitched scream was heard from deep within the clowns' temporary lair. Joker's eyes lit up and with an excited, "He's awake!", he dashed back inside, leaving Harley on her own.

Harley looked up at the man in front of her and, while not as tall as the Joker, he made up for it in broadness of the shoulder. She figured stalling would only piss him off more and wisely dove into an explanation.

"Alright Harv, it went down like this: Your lady friend was tryin' to bring me in. I had no choice but to defend myself and even then I didn't realize who she was. When I did figure it out, I not only backed off, but helped her home. She's perfectly fine. See Harv? I'm lookin' out for you. I got your back!"

Both Two-Face and Harvey ceased listening to her in the middle of the story, having picked up on the piece most worthy of interest. "You took her home?" he asked for conformation.

"Yes! ...I mean no!" she realized her mistake too late. "What I meant was, I took her to the hospital. Home. Hospital. Those 'H' words get me every time."

"What's the address, Quinn?"

"To the hospital?" she asked hopefully.

"Give me the address and I'll leave. Don't and you'll get to explain to your boss why I'm still around."

Thinking quickly, Harley decided to give him a fake address. Unfortunately, that idea was shot down quickly.

"And it better be the real thing, Quinn. If I find out otherwise, I will track you down again and next time, I won't be so forgiving."

Harley made one last attempt. "As a woman, I feel it only fair to warn you that stalking is not a successful way to get a lady's attention. …Unless that lady happens to be me. It's been such a long time since Mistah J has pursued me. Why, I remember this one time-"

"Christ, do you know how to shut up? No wonder Joker's always trying to ditch you," Two-Face interrupted. "Address! Now!"

Harley, left with no choice, grudgingly gave it up. She was quickly left alone with her thoughts, none of which were pleasant.

Harley wasn't beyond feeling guilt. Lord knows she'd tried to banish its presence from her life. She had different methods for dealing with it, but there were those moments when nothing she did worked.

This was one of those moments.

Harley wasn't sure why she felt so strongly about her betrayal to Renee. After all, what did she owe a cop? Something about her felt like a kindred spirit though and Harley knew if she didn't do something it'd haunt her.

She rushed back inside the hideout with new resolve. "Puddin', I gotta step out. I'll be back soon," she announced while removing her apron. She doubted very much he heard her over the screaming though. At least he's having a good time, she thought. Maybe he won't even notice I've gone.

She quickly set out for Renee's, desperately hoping to beat Two-Face there. Harley thought she had a decent shot at it to, because Harvey wouldn't necessarily set out for her place immediately. Of course Ivy's gift of boosted speed and agility didn't hurt either.

Along with her chosen lifestyle came an intimate knowledge of Gotham City's skyline. With it, Harley expertly danced across rooftops before arriving at Renee's building.