Tonks bustled about her apartment early Christmas day, trying to keep busy and to keep her mind off of… well, everything. Though she hated to clean, it did manage to distract her somewhat. Which would explain why she was doing laundry at nine in the morning. She threw some clothes (unfolded) into a drawer and slammed it shut with her hip. The dresser rattled and she put a hand out to steady it and stop it from falling over. Groaning to herself, she waved her wand at the clothes on her bed, which flew towards her wardrobe and smacked the closed door before crumpling in a heap on the floor. A sharp whistle announced that her tea was ready. Tonks threw open the doors to her wardrobe, tossed the clothes unceremoniously inside, and pushed it shut again. Just as she made her way into the kitchen, there was a knock at her door.
"Just a minute!" she called, gathering a cup from the shelf.
The knocking persisted.
"I'll be there in a minute!"
"Tonks?" came a muffled call from outside.
"Who's there?" If it was Remus, God help him….
"Charlie."
Tonks dropped the cup. It hit the ground and shattered. She barely noticed as she rushed into the living room.
"Charlie?" she asked, as if she hadn't heard right.
"Yeah. Charlie Weasley. Let me in, will you?"
She fumbled with the many locks on her door, muttering a charm that took off the hex she'd placed. Finally, she opened the door to reveal the second eldest Weasley son, soaked so heavily she swore she could see his bare skin through his coat. He smiled at her, and she saw his teeth chattering.
"Raining, is it?" she asked, then mentally caught herself. Did she just crack a joke?
"I wanted to stop by and see how you were before I headed over to the Burrow."
"Really?"
"Well, yeah. I hear you've been back at Hogwarts and I guess it got me all nostalgic for when we used to go there together."
She just stared at him. "Um, ok. So you're back from Romania?"
"Apparently, if I'm standing here in front of you," Charlie said, fighting back a shiver. "I'm sorry, would it be all right if I came in? It's just, I'm freezing and-"
"Oh yeah! Sure, I'm sorry. Come in."
Tonks stepped out of the way and allowed him access to her flat. He shook his head as he entered, spraying her with droplets of water from his short hair.
"I was just making tea, would you like some?" Tonks offered, wiping her face delicately.
"Sure, that'd be great."
"Have a seat."
"Are you sure? I'm a little damp," Charlie said, holding his arms out as if to demonstrate.
"Then dry yourself off. You do know magic don't you?"
"Yeah but as soon as I go outside I'm just gonna get drenched again."
"Charlie Weasley, you are the laziest person I have ever met."
"No I'm not!" he replied indignantly, "But when you work with dragons all the time, outside, in the rain, you just get used to it."
Tonks rolled her eyes, "Just take your coat off. You can hang it over the shower if you want."
"Thanks. Would you mind if I lit a fire? Help warm me up?"
"Oh, does that take less effort than a drying spell?"
"I'm not lazy!"
"Yeah, sure. Help yourself."
She made her way into the kitchen, waving her wand and repairing the cup she broke. She grabbed another and filled them both with steaming liquid. Walking carefully so that she didn't spill anything, she made her way back into the living room.
Charlie was already crouched in front of a crackling fire, hands out to absorb the warmth, his Ireland team quidditch shirt clinging to his skin. He smiled at her as she walked in.
"I'm sorry to barge in on you like this."
"Don't worry about it," she said softly, placing the drinks on the coffee table.
"How have you been?"
Tonks sighed. "All right, I guess."
Charlie smirked at her. "That sounds convincing."
She shrugged. "I've been busy. Who hasn't? I mean, things could be going much smoother but… they're not."
"Fair enough," he replied, considering this, eyes back on the fire.
"What have you been up to?"
"Same thing. Dragons and all that. It's been occupying most of my time. It's hard to do a lot for the Order when no Death Eaters come to Romania."
"Lucky you," Tonks muttered, collapsing onto the couch.
Charlie nodded, "I know. I can't really lie about that. But it's hard too. Knowing my family and everyone I love are here, doing what they can, and I'm stuck out there."
"You sound like Sirius," Tonks said, even softer this time.
She watched Charlie's shoulders tense, and knew it had nothing to do with the cold. They relaxed, and he looked up.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there. Remus told me all the details and-"
"I don't care what Remus said about anything!" she snapped, snatching up her tea.
Carefully, Charlie got to his feet and made his way towards her. He seemed afraid to get too close to her, stopping a few feet away.
"I'm proud of you, for handling all of that."
This, clearly, was not what she'd expected him to say. She choked slightly. "What?"
"Back in school you were helpless at dueling. I even managed to beat you, and I'm terrible."
"Is this supposed to be making me feel better?"
"You saved my brother's life, Tonks. And Harry's too. And all his friends. I would think that would make you feel better."
Tonks took another, careful sip of her tea and pulled her legs up to sit cross-legged on the couch.
"I don't want to talk about this," she said.
"Okay. What do you want to talk about then?"
"Go dry yourself off more before you sit on my couch."
Charlie smiled. "Your hair looks nice, by the way."
"Liar."
"Well, I like the pink better, but this is more like how you had it at Hogwarts, so-"
"You really are in a reminiscing mood today, aren't you?"
"Must be because it's Christmas," Charlie admitted, shrugging. He was still standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, somewhere between the fireplace and her.
"You should be spending Christmas with your family," Tonks noted.
"You want me to go?"
"I didn't say that."
"You implied it."
Tonks rolled her eyes. "You certainly are just as annoying as you were at Hogwarts."
"Thanks."
"That wasn't a compliment."
"I know."
Tonks didn't quite know how to respond to that, so she elected to stay silent and sip her tea. And pretend she didn't feel Charlie watching her. She missed him too, more than she was really willing to admit, because getting attached to anyone now surely meant a broken heart. If it wasn't broken already. This was war, and Tonks felt it far from fair that she couldn't love in a time of war. She breathed in slowly, sucking in the heat of the steam from her tea, and the smell of rain on Charlie's clothes.
"You all right?" came Charlie's tentative voice.
"I'm fine," she answered, looking up at him. His brown eyes were full of concern, the same that she'd seen more and more from everyone she knew. They were worried about her, the loss of her powers, her sullen mood. Charlie didn't know about any of this, yet the look was still there. So deep, as if he were staring into her soul. She felt a shiver run down her spine, and shook her head.
"Listen, I didn't mean to bother you like this. If you want to be alone, just tell me. I'll go."
"No, no," Tonks said softly, watching her breath push the steam away, "I want you to stay."
Charlie regarded her carefully, and Tonks wondered if this was how he approached dragons. So cautious, and yet, underneath it she could sense the yearning in him. He just wanted to help.
"Sit down," she said, "drink your tea."
"I'm still wet," he warned.
"It doesn't matter. The couch will dry."
Slowly, he sat down next to her. He was careful not to let more of his body touch the fabric of the sofa than necessary. She appreciated that. He reached over to get his cup, and she was struck by how toned his muscles were. Clearly, handling dragons had done wonders for his body, which had been a little on the chubby side in school, despite being a seeker on the Quidditch team. His wet clothes clung to his body tightly enough to give her a clear view of his sculpted back. She felt herself beginning to blush, and immediately averted her eyes before he noticed her staring.
"Do I have something on me?" he asked playfully.
Too late.
"You just… you look so different," she said. Why was she so breathless?
"You do too."
"Good different or bad different?"
"Good. Very good. Although you had more life in your eyes before. I miss that."
Tonks lowered her head under the premise of examining her tea. She didn't want him to notice that part of her. He didn't know about those things. What made her heart so heavy. She didn't want to think about all that. She just wanted to sit back with an old friend and forget about the world that was happening around them.
"I'm sorry," he said quickly, "I didn't mean that-"
"It's fine," she replied. "I don't care."
"You're still beautiful."
Her eyes darted up at this. He had never called her 'beautiful' before, so she wasn't entirely sure where he was getting 'still' from. In school he spent most of his time encouraging her to make funny faces with her powers. She never knew he thought of her as beautiful. Maybe he was just being nice.
"Wish I could say the same about you," she said, forcing out a playful tone.
He took the bait, "Oh really?"
She nodded.
"I'm not beautiful anymore?"
"You never were."
"Okay that's it."
He snatched the teacup out of her hand, placing it down with his own before bending his head forward and sticking his wet hair right in her face. She let out a yelp that only succeeded in getting a piece of his hair in her mouth as she flailed. He caught her wrists and held them down, shaking his head back and forth and effectively covering her face in old rain.
"Charlie!" she cried, and he finally picked his head up, his face split with a grin that seemed to belong more on one of the twins than him. She heard laughter, and vaguely wondered how he managed to do it without breaking his smile, until she realized the sound was coming from her. For the first time in a very long time, she was actually laughing. The shock of this realization burst within her, and she threw her head back, laughing even louder, afraid it might go away, and savoring each second.
When she finally pulled herself together, she found Charlie staring at her with a mix of amusement and confusion. His grin hadn't slipped though.
"See?" he said softly, almost at a whisper. "That's the light I was talking about. I miss that."
"I do too," she responded, just as quietly, her eyes searching his. He let go of her wrists and brought one hand up to touch her cheek gently.
"Tonks," he murmured, but didn't continue. Just held his hand there, steady, stopping her from being lost.
He had so many freckles. It was the first thing she noticed when he was this close. They were all over his face, trickling down his neck and disappearing into his t-shirt. Across his cheek was the remnant of a burn, his skin still shiny but almost healed. If the burn was on her, she would have disguised her skin to make it less noticeable, something she'd managed to do to hide any physical defect she'd had. He wore it so easily, not like he had a choice really. It made him all the more real to her, as if without it this whole thing was just her mind playing with her.
"Your hand is rough," she breathed, feeling herself start to smile.
"Calluses. Comes with the job."
Even his lips seemed to have freckles, she noticed as they came closer. She was so entranced she barely had time to close her eyes before those lips met hers. His other hand moved behind her head, holding her steady as she kissed him back without thinking. Her hands found their way to his shoulders, absorbing the moisture of his shirt, but she wasn't thinking of that. She just clung to him, afraid to part, afraid that she would wake up, and this would all be over. A joke played on her by her fragile heart.
When they finally parted, Tonks kept her eyes closed, afraid to open them and find he wasn't there. But she could feel his breath on her face, his hand on her cheek, fingers in her hair, and she knew. Slowly, as though they had been glued shut, her eyelids parted and opened. There he was, staring at her with an expression she couldn't read.
"Are you ok?" he asked. "I didn't mean to…"
"I can't," she whispered.
"What?"
"I can't do this. I'm sorry Charlie, it's just… I can't."
She saw him pale, his eyes cloudy as he took his hands from her face.
"Of course," he said, nodding and staring at the floor. "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me."
"It's not your fault. I'm just not… it's just not a good time."
"I understand."
But she knew he didn't. She didn't either. Not really. She had always cared about him, had her fair share of crushes on him through the years, considered him one of her best friends. And he was here, with her. Not hiding away somewhere. Not pushing her away, telling her no. Even in Romania he was a constant in her life, sending her owls with letters or packages holding little trinkets he knew she'd like. He was always there for her, in a way no one else had been. Especially not lately.
But she couldn't do it.
"I should go," Charlie said, standing up.
"It's not like that, Charlie, I just can't-"
"No problem."
"I don't want you to hurt me," she said.
He turned to look at her, confused. "I would never hurt you."
"Look, don't ask me to explain okay?" She stood up herself and walked around to the back of the couch. "I've just been going through so much, and I… I can't get close to anyone."
"Why?"
She pressed her palms over her face, fighting back the tears that suddenly sprung to her eyes. "I just can't."
"Tonks…"
"We're in a war. People die in wars. Trust me, I know, I saw," she shook her head. "I don't want to see it again."
"This isn't about me," Charlie said. It wasn't a question. He took a step towards her and she backed away, recoiling like a frightened animal. "Tonks, what is it? What's making you act like this?"
"Don't," she said. "It doesn't matter."
"Of course it does." He knelt on the couch and took her hands before she could back away. "You've always been able to talk to me before. What's going on?"
She pressed her eyes shut tight, but the tears fell anyway.
"I… can't." she breathed, her voice ragged.
"Is it Sirius?"
She shook her head.
"Who is it?"
Tonks could literally feel her heart twisting in her chest. She couldn't answer. Before she could stop herself, she fell forward, into his arms. He caught her easily, as if he knew she would do it all along, and held her tightly, her face pressed into his chest. Her tears dampened his shirt once again, tears she tried so desperately to hold back, but couldn't. Something had snapped within her.
"It's Remus," she sobbed, her voice muffled in his shirt.
"Lupin?" Charlie asked, afraid he'd heard wrong. "What did he do to you?"
She shook her head, still not looking up. "Nothing. He's done nothing."
Charlie voice softened, if possible, even more. "That's the problem, isn't it?"
He knew. She could tell without looking at him. One more person to feel sorry for her. To look at her with a mix of pity and sympathy. She hated herself for being so vulnerable, so weak, everything she swore she'd never be. She hated herself for breaking. For telling him. Knowing she brought it on herself.
"There's no problem," she said, forcing her voice to stay steady as she lifted her head. "Just a misunderstanding. It's fine. I'm just a little shaken after all that's happened and I… I tend to take things a little too personal," she finished, knowing it wasn't entirely untrue.
His eyes were stony as he nodded, seeming to understand. She wanted to tell him it wasn't what he thought, but she wasn't sure what he was thinking. They'd lost the ability to read each other with a glance. Or at least she had. He seemed just as perceptive as ever.
"Charlie…" she started, but didn't know exactly what to say to finish. So she didn't.
"I'm going to go," he said resolutely. "I promised my mother I'd stop by and see everyone."
She nodded sadly, knowing this conversation was over. Charlie was never good at discussing things that made him uncomfortable. He tended to shut down. He was always more than willing to help her, but he never wanted to talk about himself.
Silently, he gathered his coat from the showerhead, still quite wet, and slipped it on. Tonks waited for him in the living room, knowing not to push this. When he returned, she didn't look up.
"I guess I'll see you later," he said reaching for the door handle.
"Charlie?"
He stopped, but didn't turn.
"Come back before you go to Romania again," she said. She wrung her hands nervously, but her voice was steady. "I… I don't want to leave it like this."
He turned the handle.
"Please Charlie."
She didn't see him shut his eyes tightly, clench his jaw. She didn't see the subtle way his body was shaking.
"Sure. I'll be back."
And before she could answer, he left, closing the door with a resounding bang behind him.
