Reflection

Never before have I seen myself in a student as clearly as I do in Draco Malfoy, particularly during his confrontations with Harry Potter. I wonder if he realizes that he wears his heart on his sleeve? That his confusion, vulnerability, longing, and hate show so clearly in his eyes? Or perhaps I am the only one who can see it. Perhaps it shows itself to me because, twenty years ago, it was me.

Often I wonder what it is that makes me hate Harry Potter the most. The fact that he looks so much like his father, whom I could not have? The way I see the bitch Lily, who did have him, in his - her - green eyes? Or is it how he is slowly crushing Draco's heart, the way James did mine, without either of them realizing it?

Oh, but I did realize it. I knew my feelings. Knew I loved James. And for that I envy Draco his innocence. His pain is vague, unspecified, and he has yet to discover that it hurts. I, on the other hand, knew what hurt and why, and knew that it would not stop. Could never stop, it sometimes seemed to my angst-filled adolescent mind.

It was the pain that turned me to the Dark side, and the love behind it that brought me back, too late. I wonder what Draco's love for Harry Potter will do to him, once he discovers it. Will its hopelessness be the final blow that pushes him into Darkness? Or will that love, despite its hopelessness, give him the strength to break from the shadow's hold?

For it is hopeless. Harry Potter is so like his father. He will never view Draco with anything other than contempt or dislike. To him, as I was to James, Draco is unworthy of the energy it takes to hate.

I am not an optimistic person. I fear the worst. As I watch Draco Malfoy right now, I can see his frustration with Harry and with himself rising, preparing to culminate in violence. He has been immersed in the Dark side for too long. His love can only damn him. With luck, perhaps there will be a miracle, because that it what it will take to keep Draco Malfoy from destroying himself the way I did.