Title: Betrayal
Author: Beauty Slept
Rating: PG-13 for language
Pairing: CM Punk/Raven
Disclaimer: Everything from Ring of Honor belongs to Gabe Sapolsky and Cary Silkin.
Spoilers: Death Before Dishonor after the CM Punk/Raven dog collar match
Summary: Punk's thoughts after Raven betrays him
Feedback: Please.

There is a thin line between love and hate, and right now things are very much on the hate side. I almost lost what I believe in, betrayed by someone that is supposed to love me.

I never had a smooth relationship with Raven because of our differences, but I never expected what happened tonight: being taped to the top rope by Tommy Dreamer and Raven trying to pour beer down my throat. After I was untied by the ref, I headed back to wash the blood and beer off me. I didn't drink it, but it was close. It went up my nose, and I'm covered in it. I know that he probably used it to further spark our feud, but I think he took it too far.

I'm still pissed that I can smell beer in my hair. I'm not looking forward to having my hair smelling like beer for the next couple of days, or until it totally washes out. Raven may be used to smelling like alcohol, but I'm not. It also brings up unpleasant memories from my own past, and reasons why I became straight edge in the first place. One of many being I didn't want to turn into my father, and currently I smell like him.

I think that there is some psychological theory about having relationships with people that remind you of your father, and that has to be the reason for me falling for him. You can't control who you fall for, and I would have rather not fallen for him during our time backstage at TNA. I hate that I love him, and I hate that I can't walk away from him, despite the major differences between us. I'm also very close to hating him right now for betraying me. Sad thing is, I can't totally hate him.

Reminding me of other complex relationships I rather leave behind. I should have known better, but too late now. Now I have to deal with this current event.

Once again we don't talk to each other on the drive to the hotel room, and once again I wish that I would have booked a separate room from him. I'm thinking about sharing a room with Colt tonight while I'm still pissed at him. I've shared a room with Colt before when I was pissed with Raven, and I'm wondering how long this will go on. I'm sick and tired of this, but don't know if this is enough to change my feelings for him. I never seem to know when to stay and when to walk away.

I want to hurt him, which scares me. I swore I would never be like my dad and hurt people I loved, and now I'm thinking about doing what he did. I think I better stay away from him until I get this under control.

I refuse to talk to him when we get to the hotel and walk away to find Colt. It is not safe for me to be around him right now. I don't want to say or do anything I will regret later.

I'm not like them, and I refuse to be them.