Having drinks with the entire team didn't feel nearly as normal as anyone had hoped it would. Deeks was quiet for the full extent of the evening, allowing everyone else to talk in circles around him.

Rarely did he chime in with some sarcastic comment, or show any sort of genuine laughter when Sam or Callen cracked a joke. Every so often Kensi would catch her partner staring off at the ground, almost mindlessly. His eyes glazed over, and she knew that he was just gone. Hollowed out of all emotion like an empty shell.

The group was out for just an hour, maybe an hour fifteen. To say that the day had been emotionally taxing would've been to underestimate the situation entirely.

Altogether, they walked out to the street. Callen and Sam said their goodbyes, short and gruff as usual. They didn't make any sort of a crack about Deeks though, which was definitely a different and rather pleasant change to see.

Kensi stayed where she was, feet planted to the ground even after Callen and Sam were entirely out of sight. She didn't know what to do or say- as it was just the two of them standing about two feet apart in a dimly lit and empty parking lot, but in that moment Kensi really couldn't have asked for anything more.

She made no move toward him, and didn't say a single word. But watching him be so unlike himself at the bar wasn't something Kensi was going to ignore.

Deeks folded his arms before looking up to meet Kensi's gaze- she was just staring at him, trying to figure out what might possibly be the right thing to say. They were alone, and for once there wasn't anybody around who might possibly try to interrupt- so Kensi just said what was on her mind.

"Deeks…" She couldn't even get a single word out before her voice cracked. "We should talk."

His face morphed into a grimace. "I'm not sure what to say Kens."

"Then let me talk."

Deeks weakly gestured one hand out in front of himself, giving her the floor.

"I just thought you should know that I really am sorry. About everything."

Kensi shook her head, biting her lower lip in an attempt to stifle the tears. "You were right there, in front of me, hurting. And I did nothing. I did nothing, and I should have done something- I should've helped you, I should've untied you… and I'm sorry."

Deeks looked away but Kensi could still see him swallow, his adam's apple bobbing- and she was sure that even such a small movement was exceedingly painful.

"I know you are."

It was the first time Kensi had heard him speak directly at her in hours, and his voice wasn't clear in the slightest. It was filled with tones of fear, sadness and uncertainty, which was painful for Kensi to hear.

"I really just want you to know that I'm here for you." She sucked her lips into her mouth, shaking her head. "Anything you need."

Deeks winced and looked up from the ground. "I think I'm, um…." Deeks couldn't even utter all of his words into one full sentence before his voice broke. "I think I'm gonna go home, Kens. I think I need to go home."

The worry was evident in her eyes, every ounce of hurt written out plainly across her face.

Deeks was a grown man though, and there was very little she could do to stop him from walking away.

"Okay." She muttered the words through gritted teeth. "If that's what you need."

He nodded, turning around and walking awkwardly towards his car. It seemed as if Deeks was uncomfortable in his body, like somehow he just needed to escape from his own mind.

Even more tears were prickling at Kensi's eyes as Deeks began to walk away, and she spit out his name again before she could find the strength to stifle herself.

"Deeks?"

"Yeah."

He stopped and turned around quickly, scratching the back of his head- clearly uncomfortable. Deeks had hoped to just escape like that, and not have to see her cry anymore. It was genuinely painful to watch, and every time the tears began pooling in her eyes, they did the exact same in his.

She cleared her throat, hoping to speak without stuttering and stammering over her words.

"I'm glad that I was able to help," Kensi said, her eyes stinging with fresh tears. "Even if I wasn't there, I'm glad that I could do something to… ease the pain."

Deeks turned his body to face her completely, mouth falling open just the slightest bit at her words.

She closed her eyes for a moment, hoping that the small movement might make the tears subside- it didn't work.

"I just wanted you to know that everything you said back at OSP… it's worth a lot." She put her hands in the pockets of her blue jeans, eyes focusing in on the painful lacerations that cluttered his face.

Taking two slow and slow and uneven steps in his direction, she continued on. "It's worth a hell of a lot more than you gave it credit for."

"Good." Deeks' voice was nearly gone by that point, his eyes wet with tears. "Because it really was the only thing that got me through."

Deeks showed her something that very faintly resembled a smile before he turned and walked away again, but the expression was clearly fabricated.

And just like that, he was gone- walking away from her swiftly and with a sense of purpose, like Deeks had some place that he needed to be in a rush.

But Kensi knew far better than to believe that was actually true.

. . .

Two weeks later, Kensi awoke and continued the same morning routine that she'd become all too accustomed to. She pulled herself out of bed and automatically reached over towards her bedside table, grabbing her cell phone in the hopes that her partner might have left her a text or a voicemail, something to let her know that he was still breathing.

But as always- there was nothing. Not a single word. Deeks had said that he was just going to take a few weeks off, but it sure as hell felt like he had quit.

Starting every day with that much pain and agony wasn't good for Kensi's psyche, but it honestly couldn't be helped.

Deeks had never said goodbye to her, but he didn't have to. The goodbye was evident in his lack of communication, and it was the most painful farewell Kensi had ever faced. Surprisingly though, it wasn't their last conversation that kept her up at night and filled her thoughts- it was the flurry of flashbacks that followed it.

In one long, treacherous day, Deeks had told her everything he needed to; he'd said and done all the right things.

But just as she'd felt something undoubtedly strong, just as she'd gotten a small taste of what could be, it was ripped away from her- and Kensi was desperate to get it back.

But above all else, Kensi just needed Deeks. She needed to be in his presence, to see his face, to know that he was alive. So when she looked outside and saw clear blue skies, ones that were the exact same color as her partner's eyes, Kensi knew exactly what she needed to do.

Still clutching her cell phone, Kensi dialed Callen's number. It rang only twice before she could hear his voice coming through the other end of the line.

"Kensi?"

"Yeah, hey. I was wondering if you could tell Hetty that I'm taking the day off?"

There was a short silence, but it was filled rather quickly. "Sure… is everything alright?"

Kensi sighed, looking out the window. "It will be."

. . .

"Deeks?" Kensi yelled as she pounded one fist on her partner's door. "Deeks, please open up! I know you're in there!"

She'd tried knocking at first, but that had gotten her nowhere, so eventually she'd resorted to yelling.

Kensi heard what sounded like movement coming from inside, but it didn't make her stop knocking on the door. If anything, it just made her pound harder.

"Deeks! Please, please, just open up!

The door was flung open swiftly and unexpectedly, causing Kensi to nearly fell forward through the threshold.

Before her stood her partner- or at least the body of her partner. His face looked stuffy and unshaven, eyes red and slightly swollen. She knew that Deeks was still in there, hidden somewhere, but for the time being she couldn't see him.

Kensi immediately quieted once she saw his face- there was no hint of anger for her rude knocking, just a strong, overpowering sense of sadness looming in his eyes.

"May I please come in for a minute?" Her voice was a whisper, her tone pleading.

Deeks swallowed hard as he stared at her face, moving one arm up to lean on the doorway. "I really don't know what more I can say, Kens."

Rarely was Kensi susceptible to other people's emotions, but with Deeks it was different. His pain was palpable, not at all subtle.

He was killing her, really. Just gutting her from the inside out.

"Please?"

Deeks stepped aside when he saw tears brewing in her eyes- seeing Kensi cry wasn't something that Deeks dealt with easily.

She took two steps inside, taking in her shockingly messy surroundings. Deeks was notorious for being a clean freak, but his house was in shambles.

It wasn't the untidiness that nearly sent Kensi over the edge though. Her heart nearly tore in two right there on the spot as she saw three filing boxes, filled to the brim with random case notes, papers, and trinkets from his desk at OSP laying on the ground in his living room.

Kensi honestly hadn't realized that Deeks had taken all of his things when he'd left for what was supposed to be a temporary absence, and the shock of it was nearly debilitating.

She couldn't let her mind dwell on that for long though. Kensi quickly turned around as Deeks shut the door, resting his hands uncomfortably against his hipbones.

"How have you been?" Kensi phrased it as a question, but she already knew the answer.

Deeks folded his arms, fidgeting where he stood. "About as good as you'd expect."

There was a short-lived silence before Kensi just had to voice what was on her mind. "You haven't called, Deeks. I didn't know if you were dead or alive."

He shrugged, an overwhelming amount of pain in his eyes. "I'm still here. Barely… but I'm still here."

The word barely replayed over and over again in her mind. "You can't just shut me out completely. After everything that's happened…" Kensi trailed off and looked down to the ground, but quickly regrouped. "You can't just disappear."

Deeks took two steps towards her, feeling exceedingly poor as he took in her condition.

"You don't know how many times I've almost called you over these past few weeks."

Tears were flowing down Kensi's cheeks, and she quickly brought one hand up to wipe them away. "Why didn't you just do it?"

"Because I'm broken."

She despised the simple bluntness of that statement.

"That's not true."

"It is, and I honestly don't know what to do anymore." He looked around and tried chuckling lightly, in exactly the same manor he'd done back at OSP two weeks prior. It wasn't a laugh though, it was just a sound. One that held little or no happy meaning whatsoever.

Deeks stared out the window, shaking his head. "I try to go outside, go surfing, be normal again, but then everything comes back to me and I just…. I just can't-"

Kensi couldn't stand it any longer. Her vision was blurry and her knees were weak as she closed the gap between them entirely, her face a mere six inches from his.

"And that's fine, Deeks," she whispered. "For the time being that's fine. Nobody expects you to be okay instantly."

"But Sam-"

"Sam's trained for this! He's been buried alive, thrust into war zones and in countless situations that were far worse than what you two went through. It's strange, but for him it's just another part of the job."

Deeks was silent, holding full eye contact with Kensi as she spoke.

"But we're not trained for this Deeks." She made a point of saying we, because it was entirely true. He wasn't alone- and Kensi wanted to make that fact known.

"I don't know Kens," he whispered, his eyes breaking away from hers. "Right now… I'm just not so sure I can be a cop anymore."

Deeks had yet to say that statement aloud to Kensi, and it forced her heart to lurch up into her throat. Those were the words she'd expected to hear at some point, but nevertheless had feared the most.

"You are the best cop I know, and the best partner I could ever ask for. So whether or not you think that you're broken- I still need you."

Deeks reached one hand up and wiped a stray tear off Kensi's cheek as she continued on.

"I am right here Deeks. I'm here for whatever you need. So if you're sad, than just cry. If you're angry, about anything, than you can take it out on me, because I can handle it."

Her voice cracked, but she pressed on regardless.

"If you're hurt, or upset, or mad, just tell me why and I'll listen. But I can't afford to loose you Deeks. I just can't."

Deeks swallowed the lump that was growing in his throat, eyes and cheeks damp.

"I can't loose you either, Kens."

She closed her eyes, but a few more tears still managed to escape.

"Then let me in, okay? Let me help you. You can't do this alone."

Deeks showed her a genuine smile, the kind that Kensi had been picturing in her mind for weeks.

"Okay," he stated simply, running one hand over her hair and pushing a small section of it behind her ear. "You're right."

Kensi exhaled, and for the first time in weeks it felt as if she could actually breathe.

"So what can I do?"

Deeks cleared his throat, reaching one hand down to intertwine his fingers with hers.

"You're here, Kens. That's enough."