Hello muggles and wizards, this is a parody of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. If you guys like this story please review.
Author's Note: I do not own anything of J.K. Rowling. If you love Harry Potter as much as I do, please review this story! Also if you like chocolate frogs and chocolate chips cookies review this story!
Chapter 1
The Dursleys
It all started with Tom Riddle/Lord Voldemort. If he didn't kill James and Lily Potter, Harry would have been still living with his parents. Heck, even Sirius Black wouldn't have gone to Azkaban. But to make a long story short, Harry is now living with his aunt. Day after day, Vernon Dursley always makes Harry cook and do chores. Even Harry's own aunt makes him do chores. Not to mention Dudley Dursley, the son of Vernon and Petunia Dursley, bullied him 24/7. Now you might be wondering, why can't Harry just call the police and tell them about his troubles. Vernon and Petunia Dursley would have gone to jail and Dudley who have gone to jury. But none the less, this story is about Harry being stupid. One day…..
"Wake up Harry! Wake up!" Harry thought that the voice was his mother and said back, "Mum? I'm coming mum!"
The person on the other side of the cupboard started laughing so much that she was coughing into a dangerous fit.
"No, you dummy, it's your Aunt Petunia!" said Aunt Petunia.
Harry groaned and got up on his so call bed.
"Come on dipshiz! I don't have forever you know. I have to go to work!" came the low voice of Vernon Dursley considering the fact that he was enormously fat because he let Harry do all his chores after Harry was dump on his front door. When Harry got to the kitchen, all three Dursleys were sitting at the dining table waiting for Harry to make them breakfast. Well… Dudley Dursley is half sitting on the chair.
Harry was about to say the usual, "What do you want for breakfast." But it came out, "You guys are so fat that when you fell down, it made the Grand Canyon!"
Vernon Dursley began, "Harry, you better shut the hec-"
But Harry wasn't finished yet, "You guys are sick, filthy, and not to mention the F word you morons!"
Dudley gasped and shouted, "You won't dare say that word!"
"Oh yeah, you guys are FAT MORONS!" hollered Harry.
"That's it, you are dead!" screamed Vernon Dursley. He grabbed his chair and swung it at Harry. Thankfully our hero dodged it and all the windows glass shattered.
Petunia shrieked, "HOLY SHIZ! This can't be happening!" She nodded at Vernon Dursley and grabbed her own chair and throws it Harry. But our hero again dodged it again. Dudley started yelling, "NEW GAME, NEW GAME! Throw things at Harry!" Dudley grabbed the dining table and threw it at Harry.
Harry panted, "OH SHIZ!" The table crash upon Harry's weak body as he groans under the broken pieces. Vernon Dursley face became as white as a snowy owl. "Oh Fudge!"
Suddenly the broken pieces rose up in the air and hit Dudley so hard he puke out yesterday's dinner. Vernon and Petunia look at Harry. He rose up through the ash and pieces. He stood unsteadily and bellowed, "FUDGE YOU! I ALMOST DIED"
Vernon and Petunia gasped. Dudley rose up and barfed again. Vernon acted quick and grabbed a knife and threw it at Harry. Slow motion came in Harry's eyes. He said the one word that was in his mind, "Flipendo!" The knife thrown itself back and the hilt of the knife hit Dudley as he try to get up again. Dudley uttered, "Dang!" and fell back down in his pool of stuff that he barfed out.
Before Vernon can throw another thing at Harry, a big, enormous, fat person came in the room and roared, "OKAY, I AM AS MAD AS HELL. WHICH ONE OF YOU IS HARRY POTTER; I TRAVEL LIKE FOR 5 HOURS TO GET HERE SO TELL ME!" Harry gasped and raised his hand and said, "I'm Harry Potter!" The big, enormous, fat person roared again, "LIKE HELL YOU ARE HARRY POTTER. IF YOU ARE HARRY POTTER, I AM ALBUS DUMBLEDORE! MOVE IT YOU PIPSQUEAK!" The BEF (Big, enormous, fat) person pointed a finger at Dudley and roared back at the real Harry, "THIS IS THE REAL HARRY POTTER, CUZ WHEN I LEFT HIM HE WAS A BIT CHUBBY!"
As the BEF person handed the Hogwarts letter to Dudley, a word came across Harry's puny mind. He shouted, "Accio Hogwarts letter!" Just as he thought the letter flew into his bloody hands.
The BEF person gasped and bellowed, "DANG, I GOT THE WRONG PERSON AGAIN!" Harry said to the BEF person, "Will you stop screaming!" The BEF person gasped and said, "Sorry The Chosen One who will one day avenge his parents death." Harry gasped and said, "What!" The last thing he saw was a fist coming at his face.
