Well. After a long hiatus, I have finally returned. With a fanfic that has been festering in my brainmeats for a little over a year. It's currently exactly half-finished at this point, so with any luck, I'll actually have this thing fully written out soon. Maybe. I intend to finish it no matter what, though. Anyway, it's mostly something I'm writing so as to improve - constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. Flames, however, are entirely juvenile, and are greatly NOT appreciated. Kay thanks. Now, then. Do not be fooled by the tone I use for this chapter - it's the only one like it so far out of all the ones I've written, and I intend to keep it that way for the most part. SO! Moving on! What are you waiting for - ignore my blabbering and get to reading!

Warnings: Death/gore, somewhat dark humor, some occasional and only slight cursing.

Last blabberings:

This is not - repeat, NOT - ZADR. Although I do enjoy the pairing, this fic is meant to take canon seriously (for the most part).At the most, there will be shaky amity.

DO NOT be fooled by the tone in this chapter. Seriously. Don't be. Most of the rest of the story is humor - honest.


Chapter One - In which a schedule goes awry

Saturday morning - a typical schedule planned, as always. It had been the same for the past few years since the Irken invader had arrived. Yawning, Dib plucked a couple of cans from the grocer shelf, too tired to really care if it was the usual brand.

Glance around for Gaz - absent, of course. Probably in the electronics aisle, letting him do the work. Fair enough, he decided, as she was the one who had to drive him everywhere; Professor Membrane didn't trust him behind the wheel. Too crazy, he said.

With a slight frown, the teen noted the absence of his shopping basket and rolled his eyes - honestly, if someone else really needed one, they could've just gone up to the front to get their own rather than taking his.

At least it had been empty; he wouldn't need to go back for anything.

With a quick brush of his free hand through his hair (which had developed a prominent zigzag shape similar to his father's over time), Dib gave a little sigh and tucked the cans under his arm, making his way past equally tired and grumpy-looking shoppers, shoddily-placed pyramids of merchandise seemingly aimed to trip said shoppers, and large bargain posters spouting such ridiculous epithets as 'Buy fifty of McYuseless Brand Chunks and you might get a FREE LLAMA!', all to get to the store's front where the baskets were heaped in messy little stacks.

Taking one by the handle, he gave it a rough tug, only to find that - of course - it was thoroughly stuck to the basket beneath. It tended to happen a lot. Dib frowned as another shopper passed by, effortlessly pulling a basket from a pile as she went. Correction: it tended to happen to Dib a lot. Sighing again, he began to shuffle around for an unmanned basket near the piles before he caught something odd out of the corner of his eye.

Backing up and squinting a bit through the store's windows, which were covered in neon spray depicting the many bargains one could find inside, the teen tilted his head, trying to decipher exactly what the something was. A passing shopper, having gathered and paid for all their necessities, tossed their now-empty basket at Dib, the plastic object bouncing rather painfully off his only slightly large head and drawing a loud expletive from the boy.

The shopper didn't seem to notice, even as Dib glared after them and rubbed at the sore spot; the teen's attention was quickly diverted, however, as the automatic doors slid open and the something was revealed.

Glass and mortar blasted everywhere as a thick mechanical arm slammed the remnants of a van through the store's entrance, the exiting shopper being reduced to nothing more than a smear of blood and bone against the floor; a strangled gasp escaped Dib as he scrambled backwards and ducked behind a cashier counter, just barely avoiding being crushed by the vehicle and the accompanying debris.

An unearthly shriek reverberated throughout the area, the dark-haired boy grimacing and covering his ears as he stumbled to his feet, darting for the electronics aisle to find Gaz. The cuts and bruises from what had hit him barely registered in his mind as adrenaline took effect, urging him on and away from the deadly mech, which emitted another ear-splitting shriek and tore away what remained of the entrance hall.

Dib vaguely caught the scents of blood and smoke as he ran, shoes thudding against tile, screams of early morning shoppers, heartbeat pounding in his ears, the shrill cacophony of alarms; something - no, the van - had exploded, gas tank bursting and catching fire on impact. He blocked it all out the best he could, he had to focus, had to save his sister - the sane sibling - and only one other thought rang clear in his mind.

It can't be Zim. It can't be Zim.

He felt suddenly ill, vision blurring further (he vaguely realized one lens was cracked) and lungs aching as the teen fought to draw breath; a panicked, screaming mother straining to keep her children at her side forced her way past Dib, sending him off-balance and tumbling face-first into a display case. Groaning, he held a hand to his forehead, eyes wide when it came away bloody - this isn't my blood, he realized with icy horror. Shadows passed over him, heavy mechanical footsteps plodding along before pausing just for a moment; the mother's cries strangely silenced.

The teen froze instinctively, braving the slightest glance back and choking back a terrified whimper. The gore-splattered mech, much smaller than its initial counterpart, appeared not to notice him and continued on, joining another as it went and sliding easily after the children - Why wasn't he doing anything?! He had to stop cowering, had to help, had to stop this! - before a metal appendage swerved up to- Dib clenched his eyes shut and turned his head away, forcing back bile as yet more screams were stifled.

There was nothing he could do, was there? No preparation, no warning - some savior of Earth he was.

For just a split second, he thought he heard a familiar shout, sitting up sharply only to whack his head against the display case's top. Gaz - where was she? - was she okay? She had to be okay, she was Gaz. Despite this thought, a cold emptiness settled in Dib's belly; he couldn't be sure, he had to see, had to know she was safe. And so he steeled himself, cracked open one eye-

A mech stood over him, its metal and blood coatings gleaming in the fluorescent lighting. And for one brief moment, Dib caught a glance of the creature within. Terror gripped him once more, and he bit back a scream, knuckles white as he clutched at the metal frame of the display case concealing him.

These aren't Irkens.

Darkness surrounded the teen, merchandise dropping and shattering around him as the mech shoved the nearest shelf over; it caught on a neighboring shelf before it could fully slam down on the display case - the second shelf teetered somewhat...and held. Dib clutched his knees against his chest, hiding his face and simply hoping to any higher power in existence that it would keep holding, not even daring a glance up in fear of finding that the shelf was slipping, that the metal frame of the case offering him so little protection would slowly be giving way to leave him to be crushed.

Instead, Dib simply curled further in on himself, rocking back and forth just slightly as he tried and failed to calm. The adrenaline had fled from his system, leaving him exhausted and vulnerable - he couldn't escape from the mech currently situated not three feet from his 'safe' spot.

Silence; or what would have been silence had it not been for the last lingering screams of morning shoppers, the fire slowly making its way through the structure, the ceaseless harsh note of the alarms, and the heavy plodding of mechanical limbs. Then, with agonizing slowness, the nearest mech edged away, the creature inside distracted - probably by the few other shoppers who had managed to survive. Slowly, slowly, the metallic footsteps faded to join the others in the distance.

Dib lifted his gaze ever so slightly, blearily staring past the piles of merchandise that had dropped from the shelf above him. He didn't linger on the unsettling red liquid smeared across the tile - he simply listened, lifting one arm to wipe at cuts and scratches with a torn trenchcoat sleeve. Perhaps he would survive - the fire was small, slow, and the mechs would certainly be done with this place soon, though he didn't dwell on the reasons why.

Yes; he could survive. There was plenty here he could salvage once the alien mechs had retreated. He would find Gaz, as there was no plausible way she was... Dib shivered a bit, shrinking back further into his hiding place. She had to be alive...she just had to be.

He would survive, he decided, even as exhaustion took its toll and his eyelids slowly began to droop. Just as he drifted off, a stray thought - maddeningly positive - wormed its way into the boy's mind.

They all know now - whoever is left. This proves you aren't crazy. They all know.

And as the fire spread, humanity falling around him, Dib slipped into darkness with an almost peaceful smile.

He would survive.


Next chapter will be up in just a moment. After chapters two and three, I will somewhat attempt a weekly schedule until I run out of complete chapters to post. Considering how many chapters I have done, though, I'm not sure if I'll even have to worry about it.

And don't worry - my usual brand of humor will return in the next chapter and those following.