Kaidan chewed his bottom lip nervously as he looked out over the Presidium. The waiter came over and handed him a menu. He checked his watch. 'Relax,' he told himself, 'she'll be here. You're early, and she's never on time.' He flipped through the menu without really looking at it, sipped his water, and checked his watch again. Shepard wouldn't stand him up. Would she? The waiter brought him a beer he didn't remember ordering, and asked if he wanted to start with an appetizer. Kaidan shook his head, but then changed his mind and ordered nachos. Shepard loved nachos, he remembered. He checked his watch. It was now three minutes past the time Shepard was supposed to meet him. He drummed his fingers against the table. Maybe there was an emergency that required her attention. He knew there were a dozen people she was meeting that day, maybe she got caught up with one of them and forgot about him.
The butterflies in his stomach turned into bats as five minutes turned into ten, then twenty, then thirty. Kaidan was about to tell the waiter just to bring him the bill when he saw her out of the corner of his eye. She was walking briskly towards the restaurant, wearing her usual shore leave outfit – a black N7 sweatshirt and black fatigues. Her sandy brown hair was pulled back into a messy bun on the top of her head. She hated her hair, he remembered, she always said if she could get away with it she'd shave it off. Kaidan smiled at her and waved her over.
"Sorry I'm late," she said as she sat across from him. Without hesitation, she reached for the plate of nachos and began munching on them.
"It's okay," Kaidan said. He handed her the menu and looked down nervously. "I only just got here myself. I'm surprised they can still get supplies for a menu like this."
Shepard exhaled sharply, "Maybe it's better if we don't ask how. Or where. What are you drinking?"
"Shot of whiskey and a good old Canadian lager. Think they have it?"
"More like Batarian shardwine," she said. The waiter wandered over to them and despite the nauseating nerves, Kaidan ordered himself a steak sandwich and the best sounding beer on the menu. Shepard copied his order and handed the waiter her menu. She returned to the plate of nachos. Kaidan watched with amusement as she scooped up as much toppings as one chip could possibly hold.
"I haven't had nachos since the last time you and I went to dinner on Earth," she said between mouthfuls. "They're practically a rare delicacy these days. Sometimes they skimp on the toppings."
Kaidan smiled at her, "I'm glad I could get you to sit down for half a second and do this with me. I could use a sanity check."
Shepard nodded, "things have been pretty crazy."
"You know, my life flashed before my eyes on Mars, and there weren't enough moments like this, with the people I care about." He paused briefly, "You and I, we – had some good times, didn't we?"
Shepard's eyes flicked up to meet his, her hand holding a chip laden with cheese halfway to her mouth. She looked a little lost for words. "Yes, we did," she said finally. She dropped the hand that was holding her chip and took a sip of water. "What's on your mind? How are you feeling these days?"
"Good," he lied, "I feel ready for whatever the Reapers throw at us. I feel confident, I feel good about our chances."
"Yeah?" Shepard asked, an air of disbelief behind her words.
"Yeah, it helps me sleep better at night."
"You're not sleeping, Kaidan?"
Kaidan shrugged, "maybe a little restless. But, the Reapers aren't the only thing keeping me up at night," he took a breath, "I wonder about us."
"Us?"
"Look, I understand why you cheated-"
"Do you?" she interrupted.
Kaidan hadn't been expected that. He looked at her, stunned. Shepard was staring directly at him, her green eyes locked on his face. "Do I - do I what?" he stammered.
"Do you understand why I cheated?"
"Shepard, I said some terrible things on Horizon -"
She shook her head, "It's not about that. Well, not completely." Shepard sighed heavily, "I died, Kaidan. Did you forget that?"
"What? Are you serious? How could I forget - how can you even ask me that?"
Shepard looked at him with narrowed eyes, "Well, you never once asked me if I was okay."
Kaidan stared at her, "That's not…yes, I did…"
Shepard shook her head, which caused a few strands of hair to fall into her eyes. She tucked her bangs behind her ear, annoyed. "No, you didn't. I died, and I ended up in a Cerberus lab for two years while they did god knows what to me. I woke up in a lab alone confused, I had no idea how much time had passed, had no idea what had happened to me, and you weren't there."
"That's not fair," Kaidan said, his voice a little sharper than he meant it to be. "How was I supposed to know what Cerberus was doing?"
"You couldn't have known, I know that, but I was still alone. All of the old crew were gone. I had nobody. Did you ever once think how that affected me?" Shepard paused, dropped her eyes, "I was terrified, Kaidan. I didn't know how I was supposed to just pick up where I left off and keep fighting."
"I thought about you every single day, I stressed over whether or not to contact you. I wanted to, I wanted to hear your voice so badly, but what was I supposed to say? How could I contact you after two years, not knowing what was going on in your life? How could I just force myself back into your life uninvited?" Her emerald green eyes met his, but she looked away quickly as she continued, "Then I saw you on Horizon and I felt - I don't know. I felt happy, relieved. There was a brief moment when you hugged me that I thought - I thought that we could just go back to normal, be us again. But you were so angry with me, and you made it painfully clear that you were done with me. Even in the message you sent me afterwards – you made it a point to tell me how you felt, and how you were dealing with things, but never once did you wonder how I felt. I had to pretend that I was okay, that you didn't hurt me. I had to put on this show for everyone, make them think I was in control, but I wasn't."
"Then we went into the Collector base, and where you then? I was alone, facing certain death. Again. So that's why I confided in Garrus, because I needed someone. Garrus made me feel confident and loved. He made me want to live again, Kaidan, because you weren't there."
Kaidan sat there after she finished speaking, his mind racing, trying to come up with a coherent response. What was he supposed to say to that? She was right, he realized. He had spent two years mourning Shepard's death, feeling angry and guilty. Then, after a brief moment of relief on Horizon, he spent months furious with her for being with Cerberus, feeling hurt and betrayed. On Mars, he let his anger get the best of him and compared her to a husk. In the hospital, she forgave him for everything, and again he doubted her during the Citadel attack. Still, after all that, all the terrible things he'd said, she welcomed him back onto the Normandy. And, Kaidan realized with a pang, he had never asked her how she was feeling. He lifted his eyes to her, trying to read her expression, but it was no use. Her eyes were lowered as she picked at pieces of her sandwich. "Shepard," he said finally, his voice barely more than a whisper, "I don't know what to say. I'm sorry."
"Thank you, but it's too late for that," she said.
"Too late for what?"
Shepard sighed, "Too late for apologies, Kaidan. It's been a long time since…us. A lot has happened. Everything is different now. We're both different."
"Well, yes. But I still want to be with you," he reached over and took one of her hands. Her skin was warm against his. "I still love you, I never stopped. I know everything has changed, but I want you. I want to hold you like I used to, and make everything okay for you. I am willing to try and work through whatever issues we have, and make it better this time," he sighed and looked directly into her eyes. "That's what I want. What do you want?"
Shepard pulled her hand away from his, and Kaidan practically felt his heart shatter. She shook her head, "I'm sorry, Kaidan. I can't. Everything is just too complicated."
"It doesn't have to be," Kaidan's voice cracked. "We can just be us. It can go back to the way it was before. When it's me and you, it doesn't have to be complicated. I love you, Shepard, and if you love me that's all I need to know."
Shepard stared at her hands, "are you going to make me say it?"
"Say what?"
Shepard didn't respond for several long, torturous seconds. He dug his fingernails in his hand as a distraction from what felt like his heart trying to escape from his ribs. Finally, Shepard sighed deeply and lifted her head. Her eyes were dry, but he could see the muscles in her throat constricting as she spoke, "I don't love you. You are always welcome aboard the Normandy, but we can't be together like that." She moved to stand, but Kaidan grabbed her arm.
"Shepard," emotion choked his voice back. He swallowed hard, and tried again. "Please, just -"
Shepard pulled away and stood up, "I'm sorry. Tell them to charge the meal to the Normandy." Kaidan watched, his eyes burning as she walked away and disappeared around the corner.
