Here's a little something I threw together on a whim. I was trying to go with what I know and have seen from Batman: The Animated Series but may use other influences as well. Warning: Crude humor, language within along with violence and characters who may or may not be OOC at times. Constructive criticisms are appreciated.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything in the Batman series or the DC Universe altogether. I make no profit from this story.

A Very Joker Christmas

Ah, Christmas. It's the most wonderful time of year. Or at least that's what everyone keeps saying about it. Personally I prefer a more sensible holiday like April Fool's Day or Halloween. At least they have some element of fun. Tricks and pranks, pranks and tricks. What more could you ask for? Well, maybe a nuclear powered whoopee cushion, but that's just me.

So anyway as this so called wonderful time of year is going on, I was once again locked up in Arkham. Or at least I was until about ten minutes ago. Pulled another of my infamous escapes. It was nothing really, I just tricked the guards and snuck around the cameras by climbing into the air ducts. Most people think that it's just some stupid stunt that only works in the movies. Luckily for me I was just crazy enough to try it.

It's a funny thing about those air ducts, they go pretty much everywhere. In a matter of minutes I made my way into the generator room. At that point all I had to do was shut off the power to the entire asylum. With the lights out and the electronic locks on the cells out it was just a matter of waiting for the fun to start. I could already hear the rising din of the escapees creating chaos. Oh I just couldn't wait to watch!

Now that the power was out I made my way to the room where they kept all of the confiscated goodies. They had taken some of my favorite toys when they locked me up this time and I wasn't planning on letting them keep them. I wasn't the only one on my way their either. Some of the other infamous villains of Gotham had the same idea. I quickly made my way past them and retrieved my property. One bag of exploding marbles, my acid squirting flower and my favorite rubber chicken.

It didn't take long for me to find the party, especially after the power returned. The lights came on again and you'd have to be blind to miss the riot going on. Either that or just completely stupid. I stood there a moment, admiring the consequences of my actions. The staff at the asylum had been playing Christmas music lately and now it was on again too, playing the Carol of the Bells. It seemed appropriate given how that little piece sounded hectic in of itself at some points and a chuckle escaped me as I saw a guard try to punch Killer Croc in the face. The poor bastard ultimately ended up getting his hand bitten and while I found it initially funny I couldn't but help feeling bad for that stupid move. Croc really shouldn't be going around and getting other's people's blood in his mouth, it a good way to get AIDS you know.

As I made my way to the exit some of the guards got in my way thinking they could stop me. I had thought that this might happen and I'm kind of glad it did. After all it was only fair that I got to have some if the fun too. So with a happy cackle I ran towards them. A little acid in this one's face, a couple of exploding marbles slipped into this guy's underpants and WHAM! I got the last one right in the kisser with my rubber chicken. But being made of rubber and all it only server to piss the guard more than anything else. He came at me and I dodged to the side. As he stumbled past I saw opportunity and I took it.

I kicked him in the balls.

Have you ever seen the look on someone's face when that happens? I couldn't see his but I knew it was hilarious. He fell over onto his side and I continued my escape, but not before enjoying a laugh at his expense. I love being me, I really do.

The rest of the way out was smooth sailing. I didn't run into any more guards and now the only thing standing between me and freedom was the front doors. At least that's what I thought until I opened them and was met with the mother of all blizzards. And to top it off the music had just changed to 'Walking in a Winter Wonderland'. I swear someone was trying to mock me with that one.

It took me a couple of minutes to find a warm coat to steal. I got it from another guard I found in exchange for some marbles. He even let me have his gun too, as a memento. And now that I was better prepared for it, out I went into the frigid white yonder.

The second I got outside I found that the storm was worse than it looked. I could barely see what was in front of me and the wind bit at my face mercilessly. Even with the coat I was still freezing my ass off. I was almost considering turning back when I noticed something interesting.

There was someone else out in this crazy weather. Someone in a refrigerated, clunky, metal suit. I'll give you three guesses who it was. If you guessed Mr. Freeze then you're right! If you didn't then congratulations, you clearly don't know anything. The first qualification for being one of my henchmen! You can pick up an application at any of my hideouts. Applicants will be shot for fun.

I'm not joking, I'll really do it.

Getting back on topic, I ran to catch up with ol' Freezy. He wasn't in any big hurry, not that you should expect a guy dressed up like an over glorified tin man to move very fast. What's more he didn't really react when I finally got close enough to fall into step behind him. I knew he knew I was there, he just wouldn't acknowledge me. And I don't like to be ignored. Besides, the whole point of having a traveling buddy was to have someone to talk with, so I was going to talk whether he wanted me to or not.

"Freezy old boy! Fancy meeting you out here! Out for an evening stroll?" I asked as jovially as possible. He didn't say a word in response and began to pick up the pace, most likely trying to get away from me. Like that was going to work. I closed the gap between us and tried to break the ice again, figuratively speaking of course.

"Anyway I couldn't help but notice that you're heading in the same direction I am and I thought maybe you'd like some company. So what do you say?"

"No."

Quite the conversationalist isn't he? At least I got a verbal response from him this time. So I was making progress. I'd just have to keep it up.

"Well someone sounds like he needs cheering up. I know, how about we sing a song together? Here, I'll get it started, Ahem.

You're Mr. White Christmas, you're Mr. Snow. You're Mr. Icicle, you're Mr. Ten below.

Take it Freezy!"

Not only did he not pick up where I left off but he shoved me aside and tried to leave me behind again. I wonder what that was all about. Did I give him the cue to early? Does he not like singing? Or maybe I had been off key? Nah, it must be something else. I let him get some distance while I tried to figure out what was going on.

Now let's see, when was the last time Ol' Freezy and I saw each other outside of Arkham? It was back in the summertime I think. Yeah, it was starting to come back to me now. I could remember it like it was just yesterday and…oh…ohh…ohhh. Okay I can see why I was being given the cold shoulder. I went to catch up with him again just so I could confirm it.

"Are you still sore about that little stunt I pulled with your wife and the drink mix?"

Judging by the icy glare he was giving me I took his answer was 'yes'. Not very surprising really when you consider what had happened. He hadn't been to happy about it. Not that he's ever really happy to begin with. I however had enjoyed myself for every moment of it. Looking back on it I still can't help but find it funny. Cue the flashback.

-X-

It had been about mid-July and I was out pulling a solo heist. My boys Mo, Lar, and Cur were on the other side of Gotham causing trouble to help keep the pigs away. The History museum had just gotten some newly discovered fossil of some long extinct plant. I honestly didn't give a crap about it until I learned what it was worth. I'd have been crazy to pass that opportunity up. Well, crazier.

So while I was in the museum who should I run into but little miss sunshine herself, Poison Ivy. It turns out she was after the same thing as me, who would've guessed.

The plant lady and I have never really seen eye to eye and she really didn't like the idea of letting me be the one to get the rock. We ended up in a heated argument. Well okay, she did all the arguing, I just tossed in some snaky remarks back at her for a quick laugh. But we were both so distracted that we let Batman get the drop on us. I'll spare you the details but we ended up barely escaping and finally lost Batsy by hiding out in an old warehouse.

As it turns out, that warehouse was where Ol' Freezy had set up shop. It was kind of hard to not notice his wife floating in her oversized fish tank in the middle of the room. No really, the damn thing was like a giant fish tank, except it had a cryogenically frozen woman in it. Naturally Ivy wanted to leave once she found out. She like the old icicle even less than she liked me and that's saying something. But what can you expect from two people with such conflicting interests? She would make the world one giant garden if she had the ability while he's just as soon turn in into an ice cube.

So while Ivy was off doing…you know what I don't really know or care what she had been doing back then. I was too busy rummaging through the countless boxes in the place. It was one of those warehouses that supplied products to grocery stores and I had just found a whole box of instant fruit punch flavored drink mix. The gears in my head started turning and the next thing I knew I was carrying as many canisters as I could over to the tank Mrs. Fries was in. After fiddling with the control panel a bit I got the top of the tank open. There was a little staircase that led up to the opening and I started dumping all the mix into the tank with the occupant. It had some kind of filtration system that mixed up all of it for me too.

I had chuckled while I watched it. It just looked so whimsical, the red drink swirling around the frozen woman in the tank. And as much as I was enjoying it I had to divert my attention from it so I could move onto steps two through four of my little plan.

Step 2: Grab the plant lady and drag her to the tank.

Step 3: Throw her in and laugh.

Step 4: Wait until she surfaces, make an inappropriate comment and laugh some more.

Finding Ivy was easy enough. She seemed more interested in looking around Freezy's hideout than leaving it all of the sudden. She probably was hoping to find something she could use against him if they ever ended up at each other's throats. So she wasn't really paying attention to me. Big mistake. I nonchalantly strolled over to her, whistling and pretending to look around. Then, once I was close enough I grabbed her and slung her over my shoulder. She really didn't like that. She struggled, pounded her fists on my back and used some pretty foul language. I actually learned a few new words that day.

By the time I got back to the tank with her she was starting to wear on my nerves. I really got aggravated when she called me a 'poor excuse for a clown' and then told me that no one thought I was funny. Ouch. But I got her back for that little shot at my pride by taking one at hers. So I gave her a not so affectionate slap on the ass. That's when she really started to kick and squirm. She managed to push away and escape from my grasp just as I got to my destination. So she ended up throwing herself into the tank. Now that was funny.

"Now look at what you've done Ivy. You went and dyked the punch!" I spat out when he head surfaced. And then I laughed. It felt absolutely wonderful.

-X-

Hmm? What's that? Oh, did you not like that offensive thing I said? Well pardon my potty mouth. For crying out loud I've murdered people, is foul language really that surprising? Get over it. Or better yet, blame the writer.

Anyway to sum the story up, Freezy walked in on that little scenario and I was sent back to Arkham as an ice sculpture. Something that might end up happening again if I didn't play my cards right. Luckily for me I always have an ace up my sleeve.

"Alright I get it. You weren't happy about it, but come on man! It's in the past! It isn't like I was trying to hurt her or anything, she was never intended to be the victim of my prank. That's just how things turned out. Be honest now, if I had taken her out you'd have been much angrier. But that isn't what happened and she's still alive isn't she?"

Silence. And not the kind from earlier when he was ignoring me or on the verge of hurting me. I could tell that he was thinking over what I had said. So at least I could say that I was no longer tops on his list of most hated people. I had probably moved down to third or fourth place. I'd like to think that I was still in the top five. And now that I was making progress, it only seemed to be the right time for one of my wisecracks.

"Besides, you have to admit, the little lady looked nice in red."

Suddenly Freeze was in front of me, looking much angrier than before and pointing his weapon at me. And I don't mean the handheld version but that freaking freeze cannon. Where the hell did he get that from? I know I didn't see him carrying it earlier. Or maybe I really just didn't notice it? Am I that oblivious?

I think I'm spending too much time around Harley.

I didn't dare move a muscle. It was either freeze or be frozen and I really didn't want to get any frostbite. After a few minutes of the tension stirring between up he slowly lowered his weapon and left. Safe to say I wouldn't be following him after that scene happened. You know for a guy who's supposedly too cold to feel any emotion he sure did get angry easily enough. Not that I can blame him. I know I'd have a pretty short temper too if I had a permanent case of blue-balls.

So now I was left to travel alone in the dark, cold night. Fortunately I had a hideout close by so I'd soon be in familiar surroundings with the luxuries of decent food and a warm bed available.

I arrived at my hideout and instantly noticed something was off. The door was left wide open. Moving in to take a closer look I found a set of slushy foot prints leading inside, a pool of blood further in right next to…Hey! A dead body! Dibs!

It was one of my men. His throat had been cut; by his own knife apparently. Idiot. I found two others in the room who had shared the same fate. I really have to stop hiring high school dropouts. They're nothing but attitude.

I took a quick look around to see how the rest of the place was. I found someone rummaging around in the fridge and it wasn't one of my boys. It was some bulky, potato-headed oaf dressed up in a Santa suit. His Santa hat and fake white beard were off and set aside on the counter while he stuffed his face with my food. But the one thing I noticed more than anything else was that he had the abbreviations for each of the twelve months tattooed around his lumpy, bald head.

Julian Day. A.K.A. Calendar-Man.

Of course that holiday wrecking weirdo would be committing crimes tonight. And of course it just had to be my hideout he decided to visit! I could already guess how it happened too. He had come up to the door in his little get-up and knocked, probably to pretend to sing Christmas carols or something stupid like that. Then when the door was answered he made his move, killed my men, stomped inside tracking snow and slush all over the place and just started to make himself at home.

And just like that any chance I had at a relaxing night was out the window along with my good mood. But lucky for me I knew just the thing to cheer myself up. Violence, pure and simple. And I'm not talking about the kind that they can't show on Saturday morning cartoons anymore.

"Calendar-man!" I barked out as I stormed over to him. He pulled his face away from the contents of my refrigerator and looked over at me. Our eyes met, his showing a hint of craziness. Of course my eyes show nothing but pure crazy so I didn't consider him a threat. Not losing my attitude I got right in his face.

"Let me tell you something buster. You can break into my hideout, you can kill my men, you can even steal my food from me. But you do not, I repeat you do NOT walk into my place without wiping your feet first!"

He blinked at me stupidly and then he smiled. It was as if there was some joke that only he was in on. God it was pissing me off. Just what did he find so funny? I found out just what when I heard a 'click' and saw him point a gun at me. My gun, well the one I took from that guard I killed back at Arkham. At least I got the joke now. And to be honest, his sense of humor sucks!

Alright, so no with my play of teaching him to catch a bullet with his face wasn't happening. Better go with plan B. I moved my hand, slowly and discretely to my pocket and felt for the little bulb that went to my squirting flower. Once I found it all I needed was to distract the big oaf.

"Hey look! Is that a distraction?" I asked nonchalantly. As I expected the moron went to look for it and that's when I squeezed the bulb, shooting my patented Joker gas right in his face. The second he breathed it in he started to laugh. It increased with each passing and then his face twisted up into that wonderfully ghoulish smile and froze as he fell silent. He wasn't dead, but I bet that he was wishing he was.

What? What's with the look? Yes, I just shot my poisonous joker venom into his face and yes it was with the same flower I used to squirt acid on the guard back at Arkham. No I didn't stop at all to change the contents of it. And don't you dare expect me to explain just how I pulled it off. A joke isn't as funny when you have to explain it.

So anyways, now that nuisance was taken care of, but on the downside I now had a giant smiling lump lying on my floor. Luckily the problem itself contained its own solution. The big lug was dressed as Santa Claus and the hideout could do with a little decorating to give it the Christmas spirit. It took some doing but I got him back up on his feet and leaned him up against the wall. Then I grabbed his fake beard and Santa hat and put them back on his head. Amazing, simply amazing.

I didn't think he could look any uglier!

I tried to get some more decorations up but there really wasn't a lot around. Like I mentioned at the beginning, Christmas really isn't my kind holiday. I considered going out for some yuletide pranking but for some odd reason I just didn't want to go by myself. I would want someone to come along, you know, to be an accomplice. That or a patsy in case Batsy showed up.

…wait just a minute now. I think I've just had my best, and therefore craziest, idea ever! I was going to spend Christmas Eve with Batman! To the Gotham Police Department!

What? I told you it was crazy.

Navigating through the city streets had been much less of a hassle than earlier now that the storm had let up. And getting to the roof of the GPD was even easier. Don't ask me how I did it, just remember what a resourceful little rascal I am.

It only took me a moment to find that giant flashlight they had to signal Batman. I turned it on and this it was time to play the waiting game. After about fifteen seconds I was becoming infuriatingly bored. Where the hell was he?! Doesn't he care that there could be people in danger? I mean there weren't any, but I could fix that. Hell I would if it would get his sorry caped ass down here faster. I'll give him just five more… oh screw it, I'm going to go blow something up!

I went to leave when who should I see, not Batsy, but his young sidekicks Nightwing and Robin. Not who I had been hoping for obviously but I could make it work. I just had to make sure that they knew I meant them no harm for a change.

"Hello boys! Merry Christmas!"

They didn't exactly seem as enthusiastic to see me as I would've thought. I wasn't expecting them to be jumping for joy but is it too much to ask for a response? Nightwing was just glaring at me from behind his mask like Bats would and little Robin was doing the same. But at least they weren't trying to deck me, that was a start.

"Sheesh, you two are looking as dark and brooding as Batsy. You might want to try spending a little less time under his wing."

"What are you up to Joker?" Nightwing demanded of me. It was pretty clear that he thought I was up to something dangerous and who can blame him? I mean just look at the situation here. I, the Joker, am standing on the roof of the Gotham Police Station and using the Bat-Signal. Wouldn't you find it really suspicious? Heck, even I was starting to thing I was up to something.

"Me? Oh, I'm just a little lonely. I've got no one to spend the holidays with this year." I told them, throwing in a sad pout and puppy dog eyes for effect.

They didn't buy it for a second. Well, time to use the direct approach. "Alright, I'm bored and was sort of hoping that Batsy was around so we could hang." I said before letting out a chuckle at the pun I had finished with. I walked over, not getting too close mind you. I wanted them to hear me out, which was easier if neither of them was in the middle of trying to hit me.

"So since your brooding babysitter isn't here, how about we spend some quality time together? You know, go out on the town for some fun?"

"Do you honestly expect us to believe you?" Nightwing asked, not wavering form his 'set-in-stone' glare that he was giving me. Then little Robby stepped forward, pointing an accusing finger at me. "Yeah, we know this is just one of your jokes!"

"As surprising as this may be, I'm actually serious. Come on, we'll have a great time! I know a place where we can pick up a couple of girls. We'll take them back to my place for some privacy. I'll pick out mine, you pick out yours and then the fun can start. Me and my girl will begin the festivities and you can follow up on the other side. Then after a while we'll switch partners for a bit. After that we'll make them go at it with each other while we watch. Once they've tired out then it can just be you and me going at it all night. What do you say? Are you in?"

A look of disgust came to Nightwing's face. I guess he wasn't in. strange, I wouldn't have thought he'd have such an aversion to the idea. Whatever, I just shrugged and turned my attention to the kid.

"How about you big guy? If we get going now we can be back at my place before it gets too late."

No sooner did these words leave my mouth than did Nightwing step in between ma and the kid. He looked ready to rip my head off if he had too. His behavior was a bit odd and I couldn't help but wonder…

"The hell is your problem?"

"Take a guess you sick, demented freak!" He spat, a malicious look in his eyes. Or at least I think there was. Its sort of hard to tell with the mask. Either way I was insulted. "Hey, take it easy bird brain. I wasn't going to hurt him. Just take him out for some fun."

"He isn't interested! Besides, he's still a kid!"

"Oh? Well why not let him say it for himself? Because I bet he would be interested in it. In fact, I bet any kid would."

My reasoning only seemed to make him angrier. I took a step back from him and prepared to defend myself if necessary. I had brought my toys along with me just in case. But I wanted to see I could avoid resorting to using them. Not that I'd be against killing one of Batsy's sidekicks.

"Easy now, like I said before I'm not looking for a fight. So lets settle this like adults and use our words. What exactly seems to be the problem?"

"For starters, you're a sick, demented pervert." He told me flatly.

Okay, now I was starting to get confused. I've been called 'sick' and 'demented' often enough, but 'pervert'? That was definitely a new one. I mean I've certainly done my share of things with the fairer sex, especially since Harley came into my life, but I know I'm not as bad as some of the sickos out there.

"Now hold on just one minute." I said, a defensive tone in my voice. "You mind telling me just what's so perverted about playing Ping-Pong?"

Well that certainly caught him off guard. Now he was the one who looked confused. It was like I hadn't been clear when I had made my offer earlier. And just how could anyone have misinterpreted what I had said? …oh.

And then it clicked.

"You're a dirty little birdie, you know that? And you called me a pervert!" I said, glaring at him. I mean really, the audacity. I had half a mind to slap him. Oh the hell with it. "I'm going to slap you now."

I raised my hand up to do it. To slap him right across his pretty boy face. But before I could bring my hand down on him someone grabbed my wrist. Someone with a surprisingly strong grip. I looked back and there he was. There was simply no mistaking him. That dark cape, that black cowl with the pointed ears, that grim, no-nonsense expression on his face.

"Batsy!" I happily exclaimed, pulling free from his grip. I was so happy to see him that I almost hugged him. Luckily I didn't. Batsy just wasn't the hugging type. He was more the 'touch me and I'll hang you by your ankles from the tallest building in Gotham' type. So it was always a good idea to let him have his personal space.

"You showed up at just the right time. I thing you might want to have a talk with junior over there. I was inviting him to play some Ping-Pong and he somehow translated it to 'let's go plow some snow bunnies'."

As to be expected from Batsy he didn't even crack a smile. I'm working on it though. I'll get him to smile one day even if it kills me, which odds are it will. But that's for another day. It's Christmas so good will toward all men and all that crap. And just for the record, that not including what I did earlier to those guards at Arkham or Calendar-Man.

"Anyways Batsy I'm going to make you the same offer I did with Night-perv and the Tweety bird. Up for some Ping-Pong?"

"I'll pass." he said in his usual monotone. "But I'm glad I found you. I have a present for you."

Wha…? Really!? I was stunned. Of all the people he could possibly know, Batsy got little ol' me a present. I just couldn't express how touched I was. So I settled for the next best thing. I got right up in his face, grinning like the maniac I was and bouncing on the balls of my feet.

"Ooh, what is it? Gimme, gimme, gimme!"

"Batsy reached down to his belt and plucked a capsule off of it. He held it up to my eye level and popped the top from it. Then a mist sprayed out of it, right into my face. I couldn't help but breath it in.

"Mmm, smells like cinnamon! What is it? Some kind of cologne?"

"Knockout gas."

And then the world went black.

-X-

I awoke later in a daze. I was lying on a cold, uncomfortable bed, the smell of cinnamon still tantalizing my nostrils. As I sat up I quickly learned of just where I was. Back in Arkham Asylum, in the same damned cell I had escaped from earlier. It didn't take a genius to figure out what had happened.

In all honesty I really should have seen that coming. Falling for that trick was just plain stupid of me. There was no other way to put it, it was just plain stupid.

I really am spending too much time with Harley!

Getting up from the bed I noticed Batsy standing outside of the cell. If he was expecting a 'thank you' then he was going to be very disappointed. I went over to stand in front of him, offering up my usual smile.

"Good to see that you haven't left yet. Listen Batsy, I hate to do this to you, but is there a chance I could return my present?"

He didn't smile, big shocker, or say anything in response really. I guess he was waiting to see if I was going to continue. When I didn't he finally spoke up.

"There's going to be a hearing in three days regarding the crimes you committed today and how it will affect your current sentence. Try and behave yourself until then at the very least."

Crimes? What in the world was he going on about. Oh, right. All the stuff I did earlier. Almost forgot about all of that. I wonder if I'll get another life sentence. That would be great, I'm trying to set a world record.

While I was lost in my thoughts Batsy turned to leave. His departure snapped me back to reality and I went to catch up, only succeeding in hurting myself as I had forgotten I was currently locked up. Damn it Harley!

"Batsy, wait up just a sec! Obviously tonight's a no go, but we can reschedule right? You and I both know that I'll be back out by New Year's! How about then? Batsy? Batsy!"

It was no use. He either didn't here me of just plain didn't care. Most likely the latter knowing him. Well if he wants to be that way then fine! But I'm still going to get the last say in the matter.

"Well bah humbug to you too!"

Merry Christmas, I'll see you again in a week.

End.