Title: All's Swell That Ends Swell
Author: Freya
Pairing: Temari/Shikamaru
Rating: T -- mentions of sexx0r that results in pregg0r, and Freya's potty mouth.
Sum: Temari gets herself knocked up, and her brothers now have to deal with it. Good times, man.
A/N: This fic won't take itself too seriously, though I'll be keeping these guys as IC as I can. It's better that way. The tone might bounce back and forth between silly and serious, and POVs will be switched around here and there.
Shikamaru's gonna be a daddy. How troublesome.
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PRELUDE
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It was an unspoken ritual between Temari, the military liaison between Suna and Konoha, and Shikamaru, resident lazy bum (and lovin' it), to meet at the gates upon her arrival. She'd come an average of once every two or three months, and though he had grown accustomed to her on and off bits of company, that didn't stop her from being the same, troublesome bitch she always was.
She had a mouth on her. He'd often block her out with his quiet thoughts whilst gazing at the vast sky, though after awhile, those thoughts turned into words, and, after an even longer while, words turned into actions. Boisterous and audacious as she was, that woman was such a crap kisser at first. He almost regretted ever doing it in the first place, almost, until it became a regular thing and she got better at it. He was tempted to ask which of her brothers she'd been practicing with, but knew his ass was dead meat if he didn't hold that nip in.
He didn't particularly miss her when she'd gone, but every time she came back things became a bit more heated and exciting. First came the bold attempt at her body, and even Shikamaru could admit that her rack wasn't half bad. It didn't take long for those lovely mounds to bore him, though. He wanted something more, she didn't complain, and the next thing he knew he'd popped the cherry of the Kazekage's sister. Not too shabby.
It had been approximately seven years since they'd first met when they'd started doing it, he realized. Shikamaru didn't find himself feeling morally obliged to do anymore than fuck her senseless, and she still wasn't complaining. Heck, it was one of the few times she didn't complain. Shikamaru quite enjoyed it.
However, there was one romp that didn't bowl over too well. She hadn't realized that a certain, shall we say, barrier had broken between them while in the heat of... things. He forgot to mention it once she started... started... oh, well, that was their business. Discussing their sex life put him at risk of her scorn, and that wouldn't only be troublesome, that would be lethal.
Anyways, that little detail from their most recent escapade was an itch in the back of his mind. On one hand, she had the right to know-blahblah, and on the other, she might think him a cheap ass for investing in such a useless brand of condom, or lash out at him for being a moron, or something equally undesirable, and never want to do it again. Shikamaru liked sex a whole lot, and though he knew this little mishap may result in, well, nah. That was impossible. He fed his conscience the 'she probably had the fertility beaten out of her when she was a kid, the crazy bitch' cookie and felt better. Things would be normal in the next few months, and he'd even bother to invest some ryou in condoms that didn't suck. Problem solved. Harsh logic ended up winning against his reluctant conscience.
As he stood at the gates and watched her body fade into the trees, the itch in his brain only heightened in irritation. But, really, he was making a fuss over nothing. In all likelihood, he'd forget this even happened by tomorrow, and the Hokage would have tons of blissfully troublesome crap for him to do until Temari's return.
Damn, that troublesome itch returned every time her name crossed his mind. After all, even a genius could make a stupid decision that would cost him his life.
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PART 1: Surprise! Guess Who's Gonna be a Mother!!
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Temari was a woman of respectable work ethic. She got the job done and did right at an efficient speed, with time to spare for a mug of tea and maybe a quick nap. Temari and lazy didn't go in the same sentence. Well, maybe only if she got the job done too far ahead of time, therein Jounin who were barely up to par with her would glance at her in envy. Although, if she was daughter of one Kazekage and sister of the current one, she had one hell of a reputation to uphold.
She got the reports back from Konoha with a day to spare. She was always quick to leave Konoha; no one would even hazard a guess that she fancied a certain lazy Chuunin, whose title was way too small for his, shall we say, better assets. Even if few did hazard a guess, clearly there were no strings attached so there wasn't anything to worry about. Their military liaison, one of their top Jounins to boot, clearly had things under control.
That was, until one trek back to Suna had to be delayed due to her feeling exhausted. Well, they were, too, for the most part. Not nearly as tired as she'd claimed they all must be, though. She could run up to four sleepless nights and still appear chipper, or as chipper as one such as Temari could appear. Her party chose not to question this decision this time around and set up camp. They would still be making excellent time by morning, anyway.
The second time hadn't gone so hot. There had been monsters making a ruckus at the border and they needed to be stopped. She did her part, they set up camp, and the following day would consist of one ten mile trek back to Suna. Easy as cake.
It had been about half-past four when the orange sunlight barely made a strip over the deep horizon blue, and Temari was suddenly awakened by the urge to vomit. The only soldier to witness this was the one on watch. He'd questioned her health, and she'd answered it with a grunt and a swig of water. She was their captain. She would be just fine, and so she was. She felt fine the rest of the day, everything had gone according to plan, and that was that.
She woke up, same time, the following morning and barely reached the basin of her sink. Perhaps she was working too hard and the stress was getting to her, as the watchman suggested. However, she knew the fine line between hard work and overexerting oneself. She was just fine. In fact, she didn't feel stressed at all, just normal, bar the spells of sickness that greeted her when she awoke. She wouldn't lose to a bit of abdominal dysfunction.
Once the second week of it passed, though, she'd grown frustrated. She even cut back on her work just the slightest bit to see if that reduced her 'stress'. Needless to say, it didn't work.
"Maybe you should see doctor," Kankuro suggested off-handedly one morning. He failed to mention that he was tired of waking up to the sound of her retching after twofuckingweeks of it, but hey, Kankuro was a man who valued his life.
"You're probably right," Temari said, head drumming too loud for her to argue. Between throwing up almost every morning and sporting more migraines than usual (normally they came once in a blue moon. What happened to those days?) she thought a quick checkup wouldn't hurt. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, and those guys did exist to help, useless as they could be in more dire situations. Kankuro had offered to accompany her, to which she responded with no more than a grunt. He took it as a Yes. She mostly grunted to convey messages and feelings when she had these migraines. He couldn't say he blamed her.
At first, one of the medics did the liberty of removing that pesky migraine via chakra, and she couldn't help but let out a happy sigh when that pain melted away. She'd forgotten that she'd come for a bit more than that, and if Kankuro weren't there to steer her back to her bed, she'd be out the door by now.
"Come on, sis. Don't you want to know why you're puking your guts out every morning?"
"It's not every morning," she grumbled. "It's just stress. What else could it possibly be?" said Temari, absolutely certain of herself. Nothing else would have made sense. As far as she knew she hadn't been poisoned, and she wasn't feeling sick at all, though apparently she was sick. Couldn't they just put some fancy fix-it-all herbs into her palm and send her on her merry way? She had important things to do.
After her ears and eyes had been thoroughly scrutinized to the point of temporary blindness (damned flashlight) there came the poking and prodding from her chest to her abdomen, and for fucks sakes could Kankuro turn around while her shirt was hiked up this far? Idiot. It wasn't anything he hadn't seen, but it was still, she couldn't find the words to describe it. Invasive, perhaps? Bah, whatever. He was just concerned; more concerned than she was, obviously, and she had to admit, she'd like to wake up in the morning and shove food into her mouth again, rather than out.
After what felt like a lifetime of scanning, scanning, scanning, observing, and blood samples and crap, Temari was happy to finally shove her shirt back down, suddenly hyper-aware that every person in this room but her was male, and then she was on her feet and halfway to the door.
"So am I fine, or what?" Temari demanded, more than ready to go take her frustration out on some innocent freak monsters out in the desert so she could get back on her game. Her mind was in too many distracting places right now and she desperately needed to beat it into submission.
"Well, yes," said one of the doctors, looking about as convincing as one with 'LIAR' written in bold, red letters all over his face.
"But?" Temari's hands were on her hips, and she was glaring kunai sharp as her meanest whirlwind attacks at them. Even Kankuro was stunned to silence, and he had the kind of look on his face that suggested that he should head for the hills. Maybe he wasn't such an idiot after all.
"But," the doctor stuttered, as if every thought he had in his head had been wiped out.
Another doctor, not quite as frozen by Temari's oncoming feud as the other two, stepped in with a clipboard, pushed his thick glasses up the bridge of his nose, and cleared his throat. "It appears that you're going to have a baby, Temari-sama."
The heat in the desert wasn't supposed to go down until nightfall, and yet, to Temari, the room had suddenly dropped below freezing. She looked as if she'd had a very sharp object lodged into her gut by a surprise attacker. Kankuro looked like he was on the verge of bursting into explosive laughter or passing out. Temari? Pregnant? Hell no! Those two words didn't belong in the same realm, let alone the same sentence. She just wasn't the type of girl you pinned for a mother. 'D never happen!
"Bullshit!" Kankuro said, cutting the thick silence. He'd chosen explosive laughter, asshole. "Don't pull our legs like that, doc. There's no way in hell!"
"Shut up, Kankuro!" Temari said, her voice so shrill and venom-laden it caused Kankuro to curl back in fear. Oh yeah, things were about to get ugly.
"It's true," said the bespeckled doctor, as if it were a simple fact of life. Yeah, simple for him, maybe. For Temari, she, she... what!?
"It's... no!" And then she was shaking her head frantically. She hadn't anticipated this. It was way too sudden. It was never anything she had planned on. Like her brothers, she was dedicated to her life as a Shinobi, no more, no less. Those two were the only family she ever needed. Her love was her dedication to this village, same as Kankuro, same as Gaara. She thought she'd sooner die than get shacked up, let alone... let alone PREGNANT.
"Congratulations!" the bold doctor offered with a smile, as if he were the only one who considered this to be a good thing. The other doctors followed his example, grinned ear-to-ear, albeit nervously, and offered their congratulations, too. After all, she was a force to be reckoned with, and pregnancy was a difficult thing, but a wonderful thing all the same. Strong women bore strong children.
This still wasn't registering with Temari, and Kankuro didn't seem to be doing any better. It was crazy! Nonsense! Bullshit!
"I'll... be in my office if anyone needs me."
And with that, Temari was gone in a flash, a gust, rather, but what did it really matter? There was nothing that was going to be accomplished in her office today, not with this weighing like a ton of bricks on her mind, but she needed to be away. Just... away. She couldn't deal with this right now.
T B C
A/N: I've actually got Chapter 2 of this fic finished and 3 in the making. If all goes according to paln it'll span out to no more than six chapters and this'll be one of the millions of Naruto fics OUT OF MY BRAIN and ONTO TEH INTARWEB. I've got other Sandsib type things I want to write because they're the best team ever and need more love. More love, damn it!
