I haven't slept for a straight hour since we've reached Daein. Every few minutes, the snow falling on the tent roof wakes me up, even though there's no wind this time of year, and they leave only light taps as they fall, if any sound at all. Father would've said, it's nerves. I should calm down. Tension is good in spurts, but should be avoided in long runs. Or something like that, anyway -- dear as he is, his lectures never made much sense. The word Reyson or Elincia or Soren would use is "antithesis", though it's not the kind of language I use. Saying opposites is clear enough. Constantly, things are good and bad at once. Father had a lot of these. Eating well is nourishing, but eating well will spoil a child for harsher days. Wyverns are gentle beasts, but wyverns are vicious. I guess the last one, the one that fits the label of "antithesis" best, is "Jill is a good girl, but does bad things." Or maybe, "I love Jill, but I hate her on behalf of my country."

I always grew up with people saying that things come in twos: humans and sub-humans, right and wrong, good and evil. But Crimeans put things in threes. Or maybe not Crimeans -- the word is too broad -- but just these people. They put in an option aside from those two. Where would that go in antithesis? "Jill is a good girl, but does bad things, and yet in the end accomplishes nothing"?

This kind of thought is supposed to be liberating. It's supposed to be why laguz are complex creatures and why I have a reason to fight. It's supposed to solve the contradictions in the things father said, like "Sub-humans cannot feel" and then, "It is merciful to kill them swiftly, if you must." Things like, "Consider yourself blessed to be a Daein," and then, "Jill, do not let yourself be blinded by your country." Sometimes they come on a spectrum and sometimes on two sides of a coin.

But in the end, there isn't a way to pick it all, is there? The middle isn't the same as both ends, and only one side of the coin can face upwards. I will meet my father here. He is a Daein general, and we are an invading threat. At that time, I will have to choose:

"I love my father."

… Or, "I hate Shiharam on behalf of my beliefs."

Because if there is both, I will not be able to move my lance. I know I could not. It matters not how they can stay at once. One must go. It will be distressing if it cannot.

It will be distressing to be human.