Hi. So, I'm sure I'm not the only one who's noticed all of these "asasins off Chaos!1!" stories out there. Frankly, they're a little annoying. I'm sure there are some good ones out there, so kudos to those people, but the majority are just the same plot with a varying degree of cliched romance and grammatical/spelling errors. Yeah. I took it upon myself to write a parody of these stories, with Perlia as the main pairing (but it's totally screwed up) because *hipster voice* Percabeth is too mainstream. (Not really. I love that pairing so much.) Plus about fifty other love triangles and pointless OC pairings. Enjoy. Flames will be laughed at. And by the way, I've left out all grammatical errors because it makes me physically sick to write things like that.
Disclaimer: I don't own PJO.
Hi. I'm Percy Jackson, Son of Poseidon. In case you didn't know that. And this is in my perspective, even though there will probably be twenty different POVs by the end of this chapter. Yeah.
I look over at Thalia and Nico, my best friends forever, even though in the actual books Annabeth and Grover are the ones I trust most/spend the most time with/are actually really close friends with. They're both just as pissed off as I am, because there was just a war with Gaia/Titans/some other powerful character. And instead of telling you about it in great detail, which would actually make a better story than this, I will proceed to give you a flashback that's badly written.
Now I'll announce the flashback, even though I've clearly just told you, the reader, that I'm having a flashback, plus the next part of the story is in italics, which indicates a flashback. Who am I even talking to? I'm pretty sure I'm breaking the fourth wall.
(By thinking about the fourth wall, Percy had broken it, and the authoress smacked her face into her keyboard.)
"Come on, Thalia," I called out to Thalia, as we heroically and bravely slaughtered another hydra (like our fiftieth one that day, not that I was counting) with a brave and heroic air, our eyes blazing with a lot of heroism. "We can do this!" We then killed like, ten giants, probably more, but I'm just so brave and heroic that it's hard to keep track of all my heroic deeds. Nico came and scared everyone and did heroic things in a dark and brooding way. Then we went up to Olympus because apparently the war was over, even though I never even got to the climax or resolution of the conflict. Because that's how I roll. Anyways, the gods looked at us as we stood heroically in front of them. All of a sudden, Zeus stood up and a random guy that suddenly came up in the elevator, flanked by a girl and a boy on either side, walked in front of him.
"Jack, son of Poseidon (and apparently his favorite one, even though you've never appeared before this story), Zayne, son of Zeus, and Jessica Sparklesbutterfly Lindsay Meggghannn Laquisha Fifi Pompadour, daughter of Hades, you slayed a giant! Or maybe it was hippocampi...whatever. You three saved Olympus and won the war for us! You're now all gods. Done and done, even though I didn't give you any warning whatsoever," Zeus bellowed very powerfully and god-like.
"What the hell?!" I yelled, but no one paid any attention to me. Which doesn't even make sense, because I've done a lot of heroic and brave things in the past.
"That doesn't even make sense!" Thalia complained to me.
"I know! They didn't even do anything special!" I snapped.
"No, not that. These kids, who are all our siblings, just appear out of midair? They're the same age as us! Which means all three gods would have had these kids AT THE SAME TIME THEY HAD US. Which means that the prophecy could have been about one of them, the Big Three all broke the pact, and the books would have to be entirely rewritten to work with this story. Plus, why am I not in the Hunt?" Thalia questioned.
"Whatever," I waved my hand. "The author will think of a bullshit reason why you left the Hunters later. We need justice NOW." I stormed over to gods.
"What the hell? We did quickly lists every damn monster they slayed in the supposed war and they killed one monster and they get to be gods?!" I yelled like a little child, all while being heroic and brave.
All of the gods shrugged. "Sucks for you," Zeus told the three of us. "Nothing we can do."
"That's so stupid!" Nico cried out, speaking his first line in this story, even though he's one of the main characters.
Oh, who am I kidding. You guys just came here to see Thalia and I.
I raged silently while still being unbelievably heroic. Then I saw something that made me metaphorically burst into flames. Annabeth, MY Annabeth, was kissing my half-brother Jack!
"OMG!" I screeched like a heartbroken teenage girl. "Annabeth, how could you do this to me?! How could you cheat on me-right in front of my face, too!"
Annabeth shrugged. "It was pretty easy actually. You just kiss someone that's not your boyfriend. But if you were asking WHY I cheated on you...well, you're not cool anymore. Jack is obviously the more powerful one, and he's a lot hotter, too. Plus, I love him, and of course I know this because it's not like he's an OC or anything. And by the way, I'm definitely this shallow in the books"
"HE'S NOT MORE POWERFUL THAN ME!" I thundered angrily, bravely, and tragically. In a heroic sort of way.
"Who are you, even?" Poseidon asked, feigning amnesia. Great. Now the Olympians forgot Thalia, Nico, and I!
"Fine. I see how this is," I said coldly. "Come on, Thalia. Let's go."
"Aren't you forgetting someone?" Nico said, tapping his foot in a testy manner.
I rolled my eyes. "And you too."
Together we walked out of Olympus. Even though it's floating in the sky.
END FLASHBACK. There, I put it in big letters so you would know it ended, even though the last sentence is powerful and dramatic enough to tranquilize a moose, and I stopped talking in italics.
Thalia, Nico and I traveled for days with equipment that magically appeared out of nowhere. We couldn't believe Annabeth cheated, and that the Olympians had turned their backs on us. Plus, they gave our idiot half-siblings immortality!
One night, it was dark and cold and gloomy and depressing (just like Nico), a portal opened in front of us, and a guy stepped out. He was wearing long, silvery robes that were scattered with stars and looked very mystical. He had one gold eye and one silver eye, and in case he wasn't already enough of a Gary-Stu, he also looked young, but you could totally tell he had the wisdom of an ancient person. He was also glowing. And he looked powerful-I mean, he was carrying a giant-ass staff that seemed to have no purpose whatsoever. If that doesn't reek powerful, I don't know what does.
We were all so stunned by his appearance that it took me a little while to find my voice.
"Albus Dumbledore?" I asked in awe.
"No," the man said shortly. "I am Chaos, creator of the world!" Lightning flashed dramatically behind him, and five miles away, an earthquake happened. "I want you all to be my apprentices/generals/assassins/whatever the hell the story title is. The damn author can't make up her mind." He reached his hand out to us. "Join me, and I will teach you mystical things."
I looked at Thalia and Nico.
"He can't be bad. He's wearing cool robes," Nico said. I shrugged. He made an excellent point.
"Well, okay," I said, and together we stepped into the portal, not caring that we were following a total stranger that looked like he could be a monster in disguise into a portal that could be dangerous. Because it's not like this could have any repercussions, right?
Now it's Annabeth talking. See! Percy warned you there would be a bunch of different perspectives.
It's been 1000 years since Thalia, Nico, and Percy have gone missing. How am I still alive? Well, the gods gave me, Clarisse, Silena, who is somehow still alive, Travis, Connor, Katie, and Grover immortality for some reason that doesn't even make sense. Maybe a war is coming up or something. But like the honey badger we all don't give a shit. 1000 years. Grover and Chiron looked for them, but they seemed to have disappeared off of the face of the planet. The rest of us didn't care, even though we're all supposed to be really good friends with them.
Jack and I broke up. Or we might still be together. Who knows? Or cares? Point is, I want Percy back. And by the gods, will get him back.
...umm...yeah. Nothing to say for myself. I just wanted to get back into writing, because I had like a mid-summer crisis. As you can see, this parody is not over. I'm thinking maybe five chapters at the most? It's just a small side-project. As you can see, I've incorporated a lot of cliches not only from the Chaos stories but from PJO fandom in general in to this sarcastic, cracky piece of word vomit. Fun stuff ;)
If you flame me, I honestly don't give a shit. I'll just moderate it, so it's both a waste of your time and my time. Remember, readers, that this is a parody. It's not intended to harm the people who actually write those Chaos stories, it's intended to give me and some other readers a good chuckle.
Review please?
~lmf
