Meet the Shadeslayers


Author note: Don't be dissapointed if you don't see much of Goatemort and Whiskers,
They are just part of a much larger, unrealistic plot ;)
(but they will come, don't worry)


Chapter 1 - WTF?

Long time ago, in a land far far away, there was a blue tent.

This was no ordinary tent, it was different, not only because of its occupants
but also because of what they were d... cough, hmmm
lets just say it was blue for a reason, okay?
Okay okay, lets just say that if anyone will "accidentally" step into the tent, they will be going blind.

"Oh Eragon"

"Oh Aya!"

"I AM GOING BLIND!"

Eragon Shadeslayer, the most arrogant person in all of Alegaisia, and the only magician capable
of summoning clothes using magic, said a single word, and instantly he was dressed.
Then he tore his gaze from Aya and turned to look at his cousin, Roaran, and he was immediately shocked.

His cousin was clutching his eyes, muttering something that sound very kin to
"Oh my eyes, my poor poor eyes"
But the sight of the big man crying like a little girl was not what had shocked Eragon,
he was used to it from home.

It wasn't the fact that Roaran was here in the tent either
(he place wards to deflect nosy people , the incarnation being "bla bla, bla bla nosy people, North Pole")

Eragon and Roaran used to look a lot alike before Eragon's transformation in Ellsmera,
both were very tall, had brown eyes and brown hair.
Or used to, Roaran Songhammer was bald, and his carcass shone brighter than Eragons
teeth after dental treatment.
And if that was not enough, he had the most ridiculous goat beard Eragon had ever seen.

"oh my eyes, my poor poor eyes"

"SILENCE you goat" said Eragon, bahh, his cousin could be so annoying.

"What?" replied Roaran

"I mean, greetings cousin" said Eragon, it wasn't his fault, Roaran did look like a goat.
"That's not what you said!" said an angry Roaran.
Eragon thought this trough, he needed a good answer or his cousin will be mad,
Hey I know! Change the subject
said a very familiar voice in his head.

Thanks Sphera, Eragon nodded in gratitude but then he remembered, big fat Sphera could not fit into the tent and therefore could not see him.
You called me fat?!

Change the subject! Before Sphera eats you! Change the subject, hmm, I know!

"Hey Roaran, what happened to your hair?" Eragon asked calmly, as though he wasn't just threatened with his life.
Roaran winced, it was obviously a touchy subject.

"Oh, Cutterina" said Eragon, suddenly realizing that anyone with the word `cutter`
in their name must like knives, it all made sense.

Roaran nodded in confirmation.

"How did this happen?", Came Aya's voice from the back, naked Aya's voice...
Eragon began to turn around.

ERAGON! The voice in his head scolded him so hard he began seeing double.
WHAT?!
He replied, just as loudly, from outside the tent he thought he heard a thud
and then some shouts of pain, nothing important.

Roaran pulled his beard in a thinking manner.
"I think it might be because I used the F word on her" he finally said.

Eragon didn't understand what's wrong.
"I don't understand what what's wrong" he said.
"When I talk about Aya, I use it all the time."

"You call me fat?!"

"Oh ****, but that's not the F word! The F word is ****, see? four asterisks, like that: ********************************!!!"

Eragon! Watch your mouth!

"****?"

Everyone glared at him, Hurry! Change the subject!
Eragon knew that if Aya will be mad she will...
Umm, lets just say he would not have children.

"Roaran, How did you get into the tent? I thought I placed wards"
It worked! Everyone stopped glaring at him like the egomaniac that he was.
He even felt Sphera interest through their connection, all was working well until...

Blodhgarm's head pops at the entrance
"Well helloooooooooooooooooooo"

It took Eragon some time to realize he was greeted in the elven traditional greeting.

"oooooooooooooooooooooo"

He need to respond with all the care and delicacy that this political situation required.

"ooooooooooooooooooo"

"Shut up!" (now you know why it is a honor to speak second)

Now there was silence, oh blessed blessed silence.
Then he noticed Blodhgarm eyes were focuses on some point behind his back.
"How are you doing?" he asked Aya with a sly smile on elven-horse like face.

Eragon froze, it was like his blood turned to ice all of the sudden.
"How dare you check your princess cleavage like that!"

Blodhgarm recoiled, "Actualy I was-"

"SILENCE!" yelled Roaran, more loudly than Eragon ever could or would like to,
"Thanks cousin" Eragon said.

"No problem man" Roaran said, uncharacteristic using slang,
therefor unbalancing the delicate time and space continuum thingy that
proffers keep talking about in movies all the time.

"That's it Blodhgarm, I am not coming to your surprise party!" Eragon said.

Elves were very sensitive, a small thing like discarding their honorific title could hurt them very badly.
Not coming to their birthday party, well, that could make them commit harakiri.

"I...I have a surprise party?"

"Yes, the Agaetí Blödhren celebration" said Eragon.
"But it isn't a surprise anymore since I told you"

Blodhgarm laughed uncharacteristicly an evil laugh.
"Muhaha muhaaa"
Eragon joins for no explainable reason.

"Muhaha muhaaa"
"Muhaha muhaaa"

"Ah that was a good evil laugh" said Blodhgarm, but then he turned serious.
"Eragon, that's not my birthday party, that is an ancient ceremony that-"

"Exactly why it is a surprise, and I am not coming, and Roaran isn't either!"

"Actually" said Blodhgarm, "Since the last celebration took place only a few months ago,
the next one will take place in nearly a centenary, so I am not sure your cousin will be able to-"

"SILENCE!" yelled Roaran and Eragon at the same time (although Roaran yelled more loudly)
As upset as Eragon was at Roaran for stealing his rude sentences, he was more upset at Blodhgarm.
"I am not coming to any of your surprise parties, not this one or any for the next four and a half centuries, UNDERSTAND?" he said.

Blodhgarm nodded, "But since I know about them it isn't a surprise anymore, does that mean-"

Eragon had enough of this digging, he reached his hand and pointed it at Blodhgarm.

"AVADA KADAVRA" he yelled.

The moment he said it he knew he made a mistake, it was like death rising inside him,
tearing his soul apart, there was a flash of green light and then...

Aaaah, pain beyond pain, nothing had prepared him for this,
it was like he was ripped from his body, less than a spirit, less than a meaningless ghost,
his eyes burned with the pain.
In front of him stood Blodhgarm, still alive, but across his entire face was a hideous scar that looked like a lighting
WAIT! Did the scar just pulse?!

But that's not the worst part, from his back erupted 8 gigantic black TARANTULA LEGS!
Aah, the pain, his eyes could not take it.
"SSSShadeslayer? Wwwwhat happened?" asked Tranatula-Blodhgarm.

"Don't worry, I will fix this!" claimed Eragon, the last thing he wanted was for
Aya to think he was impotent.

"Repairo!" he yelled, there was a flash of yellow light and some cool stage effects
but nothing happened, so he tried something else.

"Stupify!" this didn't work either.

"Reducto!" nothing.

But Blodhgarm understood the meaning of the last spell.
"Are you trying to get rid of me?!" he asked, his tarantula clutches clicking
in a -You are tarantula food- style.

Blodhgarm took a step forward and his tarantula legs knocked off the furniture as he walked.
"No! You don't understand, I just need you to fix-"

"Stand back you fiend!" Eragon yelled.

"SCUTMESPERA!" (or however it is spelled)

"STUPIFY"

"REDUCTO"

Dam! Capital letters didn't work either.
"I will protect you!" Roaran yelled and suddenly jumped towards the bed in Aya's direction.

"Roaran you goat! I will kill you, I swe-AHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
One of Blodhgarm clutches closed on his neck and started rocking him around the tent,
knocking everything in his way.
"AHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Air breath

"AHHHHHHHH"

"AVADA KADAVRA" he yelled, the green light hit a vase, turning it to ashes.

"AVADA KADAVRA" his teddy took a hit, then it shook and suddenly 8 unproportional
tarantula legs erupted from it's face.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
TEEEEEDDDDDYYYYY" Eragon screamed in despair.

But to no avail, his now deformed teddy slipped from its shelf, slain by his own magic.
But he had to carry on, heroes could not deter, could not falter,
in front of war and its casualties.
This...is what made heroes, this is what made legends.

"FOR THE TEDDY!" he yelled.

"FOR THE TEDDY!" two voices answered.

"IMPERNDATA" X 3
(Wait 3? Roran can't use magic, did Blodhgram just shoot himself?!)

Big BIG mistake, together the three curses worked, only he wished with all his heart they hadn't.
Let's just say there is a very good reason why tarantulas don't dance steps,
especially not with Eragon in their evil clutches.

ZBANG

Eragons head hit the teddy as Blodhgarm smashed him on the floor, and there was
the strange squeeky voice that teddies do when you crush them.

And smashed again.

ZBANG
SQUEEK

"Aaaah, make it stop!" yelled Eragon

And again

ZBANG
SQUEEK

"AVADA KADVRA" he yelled, and the green light flew right through the tent's entrance.

"Ahhhh a giant tarantula!" oops, missed again.

ZBANG

And everything turned black.