Queen of Disaster


It was two days before her seventeenth birthday.

A young woman found herself sitting alone consuming shot after shot of sake as she stared intently at the bar counter before her. Her brows were furrowed and eyes set in deep concentration. A recently finished, heavily used copy of a medical textbookwas tossed to the side of her. The smell of sex, cigarettes, and booze saturated the air around her, permeating into her attire. The heavy atmosphere of debauchery was oddly comforting. Motioning for another refill, Sakura broke out of her reverie and let out a small huff of frustration.

The notepad in front of her was filled with layers of coded shorthand. Slender fingers fidgeted with a black pen restlesssly. A figure appeared before her and set down a fresh bottle of sake with a thud. Looking up questioningly, the bartender returned it with a stern look. Grinning slightly, she silently mouthed her thanks. He knew her so well. There was a loud shatter and howls of laughter erupted from the back. A particularly rambunctious group of shinobi were jeering at the drunken mess one of their companions made. Rolling her eyes, she got back to drinking.

Sakura looked out of place in the small pub located in the seedy section of downtown Konoha. Long, pink tresses were messily secured on top of her head and she wore a cream colored oversized sweater that she positively drowned in. Her ninja hitate was absent from her person although her byakugou seal remained prominent on her forehead. Exuding homely comfort and overwhelming frustration, any curious potential suitors were deterred. It helped that her violent reputation preceeded her. Only one time she was bothered and she ended up dedicating a week's paycheck to repairing a demolished wall.

She stumbled into this establishment six months ago. One night she wandered downtown to avoid running into her insincerely sympathetic peers. Opening the wooden door, she peered inside and saw an old man bussling about catering to rapid fire orders of alcohol. There was a good flow of people that Sakura did not recognize and the place seemed to lack any unsavory characters. Slowly settling at the far corner of the bar, she hesitated a bit before capturing the attention of the old man.


"Um hello," she said with a tentative smile.

Peering at her, "Whuddaya want girl?"

"What would you recommend?"

"You hold your liquor?"

Slightly grinning, "Too well."

With a rough chuckle, "Good."

He limped to the opposite end of the bar and she could hear a loud curse of anger when he bent down. Retrieving an unassuming white bottle, he made his way back to her with a small glass. Setting the glass down, he fluidly poured a shot and pushed it toward her.

"Have a taste of that."

Interested in the clear liquid, Sakura expertly downed the shot. It burned smoothly down her throat. Her eyes widened in surprise at the pleasant aftertaste.

"Is that peach sake?"

Giving her a crooked grin, "Yup. Brew tha stuff myself. Good right?"

"Exceptionally," she said while motioning for another.

"You seem the type to appreciate good sake. Don't tell ya batshit Hokage about it," he muttered gruffly.

"Tsunade-sama? Why?"

"She'd enslave me as her personal brewer, that's why."

Raising a brow, "Aren't you a little too confident?"

"Brat, you're on your fifth shot already."

Sakura laughed.

"OI OLD MAN, QUIT TALKIN' UP THE BABE AND GET ME ANOTHER ROUND!"

Swiveling around and throwing a kitchen knife with alarming speed , "HAH? Matsumoto shut your goddamn mouth you stupid little shit."

Barely dodging due to his inebrieted state, the young shinobi threw his hands up in mock defeat, "Aww don't be like that. We're just jealous you always chat up the cute girls."

"Maybe they'd be returning customers if you weren't around chasing pussy."

Intervening, "Oh I'm not worried about him at all. But thanks for your concern…?"

"Kenpachi," he answered while offering his weathered hand.

"Sakura," she said while taking it, noting the various scars and calluses on his hand.

"Strong grip ya got there."

"I'm stronger than I look," she said with a knowing smile.

"Hold on a sec," he said while motioning for her to continue drinking.

Sakura happily obliged.

Kenpachi made his was toward the unruly regular at the opposite end of the bar. Sakura took the time to assess her new friend. He was on the smaller side, however he exuded an almost feral aura. There was no mistaking the fact that he was a retired shinobi. It was odd seeing someone in her profession so old and relatively healthy. His face was profusely angular and battle worn and his shock of white hair ran wild. From the way he limped, she concluded that he had an old thigh wound that was never properly treated. Back in his prime competent med nin were quite scarce.

"So," he said as he returned to where she was seated, "Whatcha doing here in my humble establishment?"

She slammed her head down onto the bar with a dejected groan. Kenpachi heard a low murmmur in response.

"Whud was that?"

Lifting her glass up begging for another shot, "Newly single."

Giving a low whistle as he complied, "Rough shit."

"You're telling me," she snapped as her head shot up with a heated glare.

Busying himself with quartering limes, Kenpachi gave the miserable woman a sympathetic look, "So what happened? Dumbass die?"

"I wish," Sakura hissed as she slammed her fist down abruptly. As she removed her hand, he noticed his bar counter had splintered under the weight of her fist. Choosing not to comment on it, he proceeded with his task. The girl had decided to forgo the glass and drink straight from the bottle.

Downing her approximately fifteenth shot that evening, "Asshole cheated on me. Of course I'm the fool for ever going out with him right? I've been in love with him for ages and he turns around and fucks a girl on my kitchen floor and then slams the door in my face?"

A loud clatter startled her from her drunken rant.

"What da shit?"

"Yeah! That's what I said!" Sakura agreed enthusiastically as she took another swig from the bottle.

Pointing a paring knife animatedly at her, "There be two things I don't tolerate -dumbfuck little boys who disrepect women and bad tempura."

"Here, here!"

Sakura was clearly intoxicated at this point.

However, this did not indicate her ability to sense her surroundings was dulled. It simply meant she could give less than zero fucks about anything at this point of inebriation. Kenpachi and Sakura further exchanged impassionate speeches about how men were dogs. She could of sworn he was merely instigating her for his own amusement, however she didn't mind. It felt wonderful to candidly express what she had to endure. There was no one she could truly confide in her life at that point.

She sensed an inebrieted body stumble its' way to where she was sitting. Paying no mind to the person, "Neh, Kenpachi, know any good men to date?"

"Sorry peach, anyone I know 'round your age are a bunch of pussy-footing dipshits."

Suddenly Sakura was assaulted by the obnoxious shinobi from before. Firmly grabbing her left breast and nuzzling the right side of her face, "Hey I'm all man… How 'bout you and me get outta here? I'm much better company than the ol' man."

Before Kenpachi could come to his customers rescue, there was an indistinguishable flurry of movement and crazed war cry. Matsumoto was promptly thrown across the bar and through the wall separating its' inhabitants from outside.

"Well I'll be damned, peach is Tsunade's brat."

"SHANNARO YOU DRUNK BASTARD I'LL KILL YOU!" Sakura exclaimed as she stomped toward the unconcious shinobi.

"Holy shit it's the Godaime's apprentice!"

"What the fuck is she doing here?"

"WE'RE GONNA DIE."

"ABORT ABORT. LEAVE MATSUMOTO… SAVE OURSELVES!"

A mob of drunk patrons and ninjas toppled over one another as they hurried through the gigantic hole in the wall to escape the wrath of the infuriated woman. Absolutely seething and slightly swaying due to her intoxication, Sakura was just about to punch the unconcious man in front of her when she heard a high-pitched whistle.

Capturing her attention, "Yo peach, you're my new favorite customer and all, but you still got to pay for that shit!"

Turning around to face Kenpachi with a sheepish grin, "Heh, sorry!"

It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.


Smiling demurely at the memory, Sakura sank into her stool. Six months seemed so long ago. The following day after her first encounter with Kenpachi, she stormed into headquarters hungover and irate. In the lobby, she saw her two teammates exchanging insults. Naruto was bright and joyful as ever. Sasuke, the fuckface, was brooding and ridiculously attractive as ever. Honestly, the injustice. Before Naruto even had a chance to cheerfully greet her as he usually did, she unleashed her frustrations and anger.

Rumors circulated about the incident. Apparently half the building was condemned and unuseable. Fourteen people were injured in the crossfire and both Naruto and Sasuke were briefly put out of commission. At first, Naruto did his best to appease his female best friend and tried to defend Sasuke from the majority of her attacks. However when Sakura disclosed the reason why she wanted to murder the last Uchiha, Naruto snapped. Sasuke and Naruto became engaged in a lethal fist fight until Sakura ended it with a sucker punch to Sasuke's face.

She was instantly subdued by an ANBU squad who was under the impression they were responding to an attack on the village. Tsunade was livid and suspended her from active duty for six months. Sakura refused to associate with anyone during that time and resorted burying herself in research. In her defense, Naruto was the only one she knew who did not know about Sasuke's philandering ways. However, the always forgiving blonde was too easy to forgive –and she was not ready to play nice anytime soon.

"Yo watcha working on peach?"

She looked up to see Kenpachi staring down at her with an interested look on his face.

"Oh this," motioning to her notepad, "It's just chemical compounds for a new poison I'm working on."

Giving her a weary look, "Who pissed you off?"

"Everyone."

"Well, get that stupid suspension lifted. Go kill fuckers in the field instead of terrifying my customers."

Standing up determinedly, "You know what, you're right."

"I know I'm right, now get on with it. These idiots are still scared shitless of ya after what happened to Matsumoto."

Sakura pouted as she stood up and made her way toward the door, "Fine. One for the road then?"

Pretending to consider her request, a bottle was effortlessly tossed to her from across the room. Catching it flawlessly, she gave a dramatic bow, "Why thank you ojii-chan."

Sakura lazily doged the kitchen knife thrown in her direction, "HAH? I'll kill you ya saucy cunt. Get the fuck out of my bar!"

Her airy laughter was heard as she swiftly slammed the door shut behind her.


He was fucked, to put it mildly.

Tsunade would probably assign him to genin level missions for at least a year –or worse, another genin team. It wasn't his fault really. If there was anyone to blame, it was the intelligence acquired by the recon team Tsunade sent out before him. What was supposedly a covert infiltration and assassination mission ended up as a complete blood bath. His objective was fairly generic and undoubtedly simple: silence the political extremist Hitomi Toru. Konoha was not to be affiliated with the assassination and the consequences of him being seen would have been a political disaster.

For seven months Kakashi imbedded himself in Hitomi's large network to familiarize with his supporters abilities, manpower, and strategies. From what he concluded, the foundation and driving force of the radical movement relied entirely on his target. Silence him and the rest of the organization would fold. From what he was told, Hitomi was to host a meeting with a few of his entourage at an exclusive teahouse in a private room. Kakashi was presented with the perfect opportunity to execute his assignment –free from prying eyes and ears.

Naturally, everything went to shit when he realized he had stumbled upon not a meeting with his target and a few of his trusted associates, but a meeting with an additional 34 lieutenants of the organization. In retrospect, he was extremely grateful that he took the time to seal the room and that the organization was comprised of only mediocre shinoi. Yet imagine his surprise when he realized that two of the dismembered corpses in the room were undercover Cloud chunin?

Relations between Leaf and Cloud were pleasant after the war, however an indiscretion of such a magnitude was not to be ignored. Best case scenario was that Tsunade retired him, worst case he was extradited to Cloud and subsequently executed. He didn't want to dwell on any of the gory details of the affair as he would revisit them when he gave his report anyway. There had been a lot of body fluids, entrails, and blood curling screams to say in the least. Nothing out of the ordinary, but not as stealthy as he would have liked it.

He had definitely made a huge miscalculation.

Kakashi would have never simply relied on the information from reconassince. There was always room for the unexpected to occur. He should have gathered his own intel and performed a final sweep of the building. But he had not. Maybe he was getting rusty or maybe he just didn't give a shit anymore. Regardless, more pressing matters had arisen. He couldn't help but shake that ominous feeling that the consequences he would suffer would be tremendous.

That, however, would be a tremendous understatement.

Tsunade's office was surprisingly organized for it being so late in the evening. Either she had been discovered by Shizume after evading paperwork all day or she enslaved an unfortunate group of Chunin to do the work for her and tidy up. He sincerely hoped it was the latter. As he was relaying his account on how the mission went, he noticed her subconcious habit of circling her finger on the rim of an empty sake cup. This particular habit occurred whenever she was in dire need of sake and in a horrendous mood. The motion stopped just as he quietly added a perticular detail toward the end of his report.

"Kakashi… I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that last detail. Would you mind repeating what you just told me?"

She used her disgustingly sweet tone that always preceeded her explosive anger. He discreetly slid into a position more compatible with flight as he observed the extremely powerful, buxom blonde in front of him. Knowing full well she heard him, however not one to deny a request from the Hokage herself, he proceeded to repeat that yes, he did dismember two undercover Cloud shinobi.

"You did WHAT," Tsunade exploded in front of him.

"Would you like me to repeat for a third time Hokage-sama?"

"Hatake you're just one more word from being demoted back to the academy!"

Apparently someone had too much paperwork today and not enough sake.

"Yes Hokage-sama."

"How the hell did you not know they were undercover?"

"Well, I specifically noted that they were undercover—" he replied smartly.

"Don't give me that bullshit, Cloud ninja are shit. You should have known better!" Tsunade bellowed.

"Well, yes, their fighting capabilities do support that statement, however one was wearing a very convincing eyepatch—"

"You at least destroyed the corpses correct?"

"Of course Hokage-sama, it's common procedure."

"Considering how poorly you handled the situation I'm surprised you cared to remember," she snorted with contempt.

"Mah, I didn't actively seek out Cloud nin to kill…"

"I swear you're after my job if you're intentionally starting international incidents to make me look bad."

"No, I'd very much not like your job Hokage-sama. You're splendid at it, and I swear you look younger every day."

"Hatake…"

"By the way, may I suggest you look into our reconassince department? I feel they are lacking as of late."

"Hatake. Shut it. Now."

Needless to say, he fell silent.

Massaging her forehead out of exasperation, Tsunade wondered why she put up with the man before her. He was all ready pushing past his prime age wise and should be confined to a desk before he got himself decapitated. However despite what she thought of him sometimes, he really was brilliant. It would be a shame if she didn't exploit that brilliance before he got himself killed. After all, he still managed to execute every mission to perfection -completely disregarding this recent one. Plus it was nice having a living legend on her active roster, it certainly helped to pull in lucrative clientele.

Leaning back in her chair, Tsunade raised an inquiring brow, "Now, what do you propose I do with you? You seem to enjoy almost causing a political shitstorm and creating a ton of paperwork for me."

"Ah, I'd prefer if you didn't disembowl me," Kakashi requested, with all due respect.

"Unfortunately I just had my nails done. It would be a shame for that money to go to waste."

Both occupants in the room understood she got manicures for free.

"But oh the possibilities. I'm sure you're the only person in the world who hates paperwork more than I do," she began menancingly.

Contrary to popular belief, Kakashi did turn in all of his mission reports well before they were due. They were surprisingly in depth, articulate, and neatly written if he did say so himself. However, because everyone was under the impression he was incredibly lazy, apathetic, and not one to conform to authority, those who read his reports always attributed it to being written by a poor, unsuspecting victim of rank. Therefore, all credit went to an anonymous underling. To be perfectly clear, Kakashi was incredibly lazy, apathetic, and not one to conform to authority –however even he was allowed to have certain anal retentive quirks.

"I suspect you want me to finish all of your paperwork from the last month," he offered.

"Tempting, but knowing you, you'll exploit some poor group of Chunin -which should be something only I'm allowed to do."

There again was that misconception.

"Now, what to do with you…"

The door to Tsunade's quarters suddenly bursted open as a young woman came rushing in with an empty bottle of sake in tow.

"Shishou, I think you should really reconsider my suspen—"

"Damn it Sakura, I thought I banned you from headquarters until further notice!"

Now there was a familiar face who didn't seem keen on torturing him. It had been a while since Kakashi saw Sakura, and she appeared as determined and lively as ever. Or maybe she was just drunk. Her hair definitely grew longer during his time away. It was… nice.

"It's not my damn fault Sasuke is a cheating bastard and I inherited your temper and your strength!"

Kakashi gave his former subordinate a startled look.

"You put fourteen people in the hospital, destroyed government property, and decomissioned two valuable assets!"

Rolling her eyes, Sakura made herself comfortable in the chair next to Kakashi's standing form.

"So I could use a little work on my temper, but it's not like you're one to talk," she whined before adding, "Oh, hey Kakashi."

"Yo," he responded with a wave.

"Brat, you may have surpassed me in most respects but I am still your Hokage and I demand respect!"

"Tsunade-sama give me a break—"

"And are you drunk? Again!"

Abruptly dropping the bottle in her hand, "Of course not!"

"Look, I understand that Uchiha broke your little heart, but move on Sakura!"

"I am not drinking myself to an early grave because of that fucking—"

"I see you're quite busy Hokage-sama, I think I'll just return later," Kakashi hastily interuppted the conversation.

Turning her attention to the uncomfortable man, "Not so fast Hatake! If you even attempt to flee I'll give you a new genin team."

Becoming distracted from defending her drinking habits, Sakura's curiousity got the better of her.

"What did he do now shishou?"

"Oh what didn't he do for starters."

"Hokage-sama, it's against protocal to reveal sensitive material to those who lack clearance."

He clearly should not have said such a thing after both women in the room began a thunderous chorus of attacks on his manhood, abilities as a shinobi, and appearnce.

"Oh please Kakashi, we pretty much have the same level of clearance by now," Sakura scoffed, "So what did he do? Accidentally destroy your prized collection of sake?"

"Sakura, you do understand I wouldn't be alive if I had done such a thing."

"Right he is. Anyway, all he did was dismember two Cloud chunin…" Tsunade started.

"You did WHAT Kakashi?"

Seeing her incredulous look of complete disbelief at his apparent stupidity, Kakashi decided it was only fair to defend himself in front of his former subordinate.

"Mah Sakura, it's not like anyone will find out. I disintegrated the corpses and made sure there weren't any witnesses and then made a very impressive escape."

Just as she was about to retort, Sakura suddenly began to scrutinize her former sensei's appearance. He still towered over her despite slouching as he always did. His lean yet powerful form, trainwreck hair, and annoying eye crinkle looked back at her. It amazed her that after all these years he remained the same in physical appearance, and apparently stupidity.

"You two are definitely trying to kill me," Tsunade moaned in despair, "I've had it with you idiots. Get the hell out of my office and report back to me first thing in the morning."

"But shishou—"

"But Tsunade-sama—"

"But nothing! I am tired and way too sober. And Hatake, if you are even a minute late, I will assign you two genin teams."

With her final word, Tsunade threw her prized pupil and assassain out of her office.