Somethin' Smells
The Delirium Threemen
December 2010
Don't own the copyright to any of the characters depicted in Emergency they are the property of Universal Studios/Mark VII Productions.
All original characters and story content is the sole property of The Delirium Threemen and may not be used without permission.
Part I of II
Captain Stanley sat behind the desk in his office catching up on paperwork while the engine crew busied themselves cleaning up the kitchen. Several moments later he heard the squad containing the station's two paramedics return. He heard one door slam as the squad's engine became silent. The voice of Johnny Gage echoed in the bay as he carried on about something. He heard the thudding sound of the other door of the vehicle closing. A part of him felt some sympathy for Roy DeSoto for having to endure Johnny's incessant gibbering during their drive back to the station. He noticed Johnny's voice fading as the two men made their way into the kitchen. It wasn't long after that the voices of Chet Kelly and Mike Stoker filled the bay.
Johnny continued his tirade to his captive audience of two while he leaned against the counter. Roy poured himself a cup of coffee and glanced towards Marco Lopez who sat at the kitchen table thumbing through a magazine. He looked up at Roy and the two men began a silent form of communication between them. The expression on Roy's face told Marco everything he needed to know. There was a new nurse at Rampart and Johnny was coming up with a game plan to ask her out.
"You watch pally, if I play my cards right I'll have her eating out of the palm of my hand within the week," Johnny declared with gusto.
An unspoken challenge was issued from Roy as his eyes narrowed into slits. Marco returned the same look back at Roy. They placed their bets on what Johnny would say next. Was she the one or was she just incredible? Roy raised an eyebrow to indicate that she would be the one. Marco gave a slight nod of his head placing his bid on just incredible.
"Oh man, I tell you the way she handled herself in that treatment room, well she's…she's just incredible," Johnny blurted out.
Roy shook his head in defeat while Marco gave a triumphant smirk. Both men knew the next thing out of Johnny's mouth would be the 'Gage strategy' that would be used to woo the nurse into a first date. Roy and Marco continued with their silent conversation while Johnny raved over his latest female obsession.
Roy raised his mug to his lips while peering over the rim which meant 'Yeah, she's pretty enough.' Johnny continued describing the attributes of his new flame of the week oblivious to the interaction going on between the other two men in the room. Roy rolled his eyes to indicate 'No, she's not all that.' Roy bobbed his head slightly signaling 'He has a 50-50 chance of landing a date with her.' To Roy's relief the sound of the klaxons filled the station followed by the voice of the dispatcher.
"Station 51, construction site accident. Man trapped and buried. 1709 East Bach Street. 1709 East Back Street. Time out 0315."
Marco followed Roy and Johnny into the bay and headed towards the engine while the other two men entered the squad. Captain Stanley handed Roy the call slip which he passed onto Johnny as he pulled the squad out of the bay turning westward in the direction of Wilmington Avenue. The Engine followed closely behind the squad.
"Left on E 200th Street and another left onto Pontine Avenue," Johnny directed Roy from the passenger side of the squad, "Keep on Pontine because after East Albri it changes to East Bach Street once you go around the bend."
Roy parked the squad at the site of a partly-built house before jumping out as the engine pulled in behind them. After exiting the vehicle they began grabbing their equipment from the squad's side compartments.
"Can you fill us in on what happened," Captain Stanley asked.
"We were drilling out back when one of the columns collapsed. Tony fell into the hole and the sand poured in on top of him. Uh-one of the other guys is down in there trying to keep his head from getting buried," gasped the panicked worker.
The foreman was standing at the edge of the trench watching while another worker was down inside scooping sand away from the trapped man's face. Captain Stanley examined the site and the surrounding area near the trench while Johnny and Roy set down their equipment nearby.
Captain Stanley turned to his engine crew, "Okay guys, we're gonna need ropes, shovels, and anything we else got on hand to brace the walls of that trench." He turned to the foreman and requested some plywood.
"Yeah, sure….sure. Whatever you need," the foreman replied.
Mike and Marco quickly began shoveling the dirt surrounding the trapped man out while Roy went down into the trench. Their effort proved futile as more sand from trench's wall came cascading down onto the trapped man. Roy managed to keep the sand from burying the victim's head entirely.
"Chet, Johnny, tie off all that flotsam and jetsam hangin' over that hole. If the ground at that end of the trench gives way it'll all come down on top of the victim," Captain Stanley ordered.
Chet and Johnny began tying off some of the broken concrete that loomed over the trapped man. Roy tried to ascertain if the victim had any serious injuries. The victim was conscious but having trouble breathing from the pressure of a couple of thousand pounds of dirt and sand covering him.
"No pain…heavy…hard to breathe," the man said between gasps.
"Roy, how's he doing," Captain asked about the victim.
Roy answered back as he continued scooping sand out of the trench using his hands, "Can you pass down the oxygen? Hard to tell how badly injured he is or what those injuries might be. He's having trouble breathing. I think it's mostly pressure from the weight of the sand."
"Cap, it keeps caving in faster than we can dig it out," Marco yelled out to the Captain.
Roy stopped scooping the dirt away from the victim's face for a moment to grab the canister of oxygen that was handed down to him. He quickly put the mask over the worker's face. "Marco's right, as soon as they shovel the dirt away more falls in. I'm having a hell of a time keeping his head from getting buried."
"Damn, no way we're gonna dig him out using just shovels," Captain Stanley muttered in frustration. He turned to the Johnny and Chet who had finished securing the refuse surrounding the trench's perimeter.
"Okay, how about we work on shoring up the walls of the trench first. Chet, Johnny, grab some of that plywood." he ordered as he motioned towards the small group of construction workers, "See if those guys can't help with cutting it. The sooner that guy's outta there, the better. It's impossible to tell how badly he might be injured."
Once they got the sides of the trench shored up, Mike and Marco resumed shoveling the dirt out of the trench. Slowly they managed to make progress in unburying the trapped worker. His chest was uncovered and his arms were now free. Roy noted that he could breathe much better now since the weight of the sand had been removed from his chest. He started an IV on the man as instructed by Dr. Early. Johnny manned the biophone from outside of the trench while Roy continued using his hands to dig around the worker stopping periodically to monitor the man's condition.
Roy used some plywood to build a protective barrier around the patient. This would prevent the victim from becoming reburied if the shoring happened to give way. Slowly they began to uncover the victim's body one inch at a time through a tedious process of digging and shoring, and more digging and shoring. A couple of hours had elapsed before they had half-way unburied the man. They would soon be able to free the man once they finally uncovered him below the waist. Johnny and Chet had rigged up a pulley while Marco and Mike continued digging.
"Okay, I think we can pull him out the rest of the way," Mike called out while Roy attached a lifebelt around the patient's waist.
"Pass down the Stokes," Roy called out.
Johnny and Chet began pulling once Roy gave them the signal. In a matter of moments the man was freed from the sand that had imprisoned him for the last three hours. Roy and Mike quickly transferred the patient off the pulley and into the Stokes. Marco attached the basket to the pulley and gave the signal to Johnny and Chet to begin pulling again. Johnny quickly took a set of vitals on the man once they had him top side. In fact, the patient seemed jovial and relieved to finally be free. Johnny could find no signs of any serious injury. A sand-coated Roy emerged from the trench joining Johnny and the recently 'exhumed' patient.
Johnny couldn't help but make a wise crack, "Being you 'unearthed' this guy it's only fitting that you ride with him in the ambulance."
Once the ambulance containing Roy and the patient were on their way to Rampart, Johnny started to pack up their gear. He couldn't help but overhear the angry rumblings of the owner of the construction company. Oscar Van Dorn had arrived at the site a little over an hour ago after receiving an urgent call from his foreman.
"I hope you're all happy that half a day has been wasted not to mention we're now two weeks behind schedule," Oscar continued berating the small group of construction workers that encircled him.
"Listen Oscar, it's not like WE MADE that column fall apart on purpose," one of the more seasoned members of the crew added.
"We'll be lucky if the client doesn't fire our asses over this. Can't you guys do anything right?" Oscar yelled at his employees.
A senior crew member shouted back at his boss, "Don't blame us for what happened, Oscar. You were TOLD that we needed to take the time to shore the area up a bit before we started working on the back end of the house, but you refused to listen."
The owner grumbled something that Johnny couldn't make out before ordering the workers to begin cleaning up the mess. Johnny wasn't sure but he had a feeling some building inspectors would be arriving at the scene shortly to investigate the site. He busied himself with packing the equipment away in the squad before heading over to Rampart to pick up Roy.
Johnny was half paying attention to the argument anyways as Oscar Van Dorn stormed off heading towards the portable john. He heard one of the workers shout out a warning not to go in there which his boss ignored. The warning was enough to capture Johnny's attention as he saw the door to the portable toilet close. He looked at the ground where it was set up and noticed some of the sandy ground below it started to deteriorate on one side. Johnny stood there in opened-mouthed amazement as the portable bathroom tipped over onto its side.
"Ummm…Cap," Johnny called out, "Looks like we have another 'accident' to tend to."
The engine crew caught up to Johnny as he stood near the fallen porta john. At least it landed on its side leaving the door still accessible. "HEY! Are you all right in there?" Johnny yelled.
A muffled voice responded, "Get me outta here."
"Well Gage, open the door and do as the man asks," Chet responded with a tone of merriment in his voice.
Johnny let out a disgusted grunt as he opened the door as the contents of the portable toilet spilled onto the nearby ground and his shoes. The utterance of a loud "Oh CRAP!" escaped from Johnny.
Chet couldn't contain his amusement over his coworker's situation, "Yep-pers, that's EXACTLY what it is Johnny-baby."
Johnny huffed, "Well just don't stand there hold the door up for me."
Marco helped Johnny slip into his turnout coat which earned him a grateful look from the beleaguered paramedic. Captain Stanley ordered Chet to hold the door for Johnny while he assisted the man out of the small closet-like structure. Johnny put his gloves on before bending under the door to assist the man out of the stinking structure.
Mike whispered to Captain Stanley who stood nearby, "Think I'm gonna need to hose this guy down?"
"Let Johnny see if he's injured first. I just put out a call in for a second ambulance just in case," Captain Stanley whispered back to his engineer.
Johnny could feel the bile rising up in his throat from the stench. The unfortunate victim was liberally coated with the contents from the fallen outhouse which now filled the air. Johnny asked the victim for permission to hose him down. Their latest victim suffered a dislocated knee and a badly twisted ankle. After it was determined the man was not seriously injured, Captain Stanley gave the okay for Mike to 'power up' a hose from the engine.
Mike adjusted the water to a low pressure setting, while Captain Stanley helped Marco to hose the guy down. Chet tore the plastic wrap off of a blanket that he had grabbed from the squad. There was some sniggering as Marco turned the hose onto Johnny's shoes and pant bottoms. Johnny had stripped off his turnout jacket and left it on the nearby grassy area along with his gloves for Marco rinse off.
Johnny wrapped the blanked that Chet offered around the man before applying a splint to the drenched man's knee and another to his ankle. Hosing the man down didn't eradicate the stench but it did help make the odor slightly tolerable. A second ambulance had just arrived and Johnny assisted his patient onto the gurney before climbing into the back of the vehicle with him. Captain Stanley ordered Chet to drive the squad in for the paramedics.
Roy accompanied his patient into the treatment room that Dr. Early ushered them into. So far the man seemed to be fine. He actually felt the man had truly lucked out despite have a couple of tons of dirt almost suffocate him to death. There was a layer of moist sand that still coated the victim. Roy looked down at his uniform noticing he was also pretty well coated.
"So what was it like playing in a giant sandbox for the last three and a half hours?" Dr. Early greeted both men.
The patient on the treatment table answered, "It's no fun when you're the 'relic' that's being unearthed."
Roy returned a slight smile as he scratched uncomfortably at the sand trapped beneath his clothing. "Well if you don't need me anymore I think I'm going to go out to the parking lot and brush off this sand while I wait for Johnny."
"Sure Roy, I think this fella is going to be just fine," Dr. Early said before turning his attention back onto the patient, "However, I just want to check you over just in case."
Roy left the treatment room and headed down the hall to the exit into the parking lot. He noticed Johnny hadn't arrived yet with the squad. He managed to do a passable job of brushing the sand off. He couldn't wait to get back to the station for a shower to get rid of the gritty, uncomfortable feeling of the sand that was still trapped underneath his clothes. He waited several more minutes for the squad to arrive. He knew something must be holding his partner up so he headed back inside. He walked over to the Base Station to make some inquiries. He needed the reassurance that Johnny didn't have an accident or any other calamity involving with his precious squad.
"Hey Dix, any other calls come in from Squad 51?" he asked.
Dixie looked up at him, "Uhhh…yeah, seems a man was trapped in a portable toilet that tipped over at that construction site you were just at."
Roy's face split into a grin knowing that Johnny was the one left on scene to deal with that unpleasant sounding situation. "I think I'll go grab a coffee while I wait for him."
Roy entered the lounge and headed towards the coffee pot that was sitting on the counter. He poured himself a cup and set it on the table. He could feel the sand inside the back of his pants scratching against his skin. Realizing he was alone in the room, he grabbed a handful of fabric from the back of his pants pulling it away from his body and began shaking his butt. Roy felt a good deal of sand loosen and slide down his pant legs. Dixie entered the lounge just in time to catch Roy's last 'booty' shake. She threw him a scolding look as sand fell out from the bottom of his trousers.
Dixie cleared her throat before speaking, "I hope you don't try to impress Joanne by doing that too often. I just bet she gets 'turned on' by that trick."
Roy was mortified that Dixie caught him and stood there frozen for a moment while his face flushed with embarrassment. His shoulders slumped as he sat down at the table with his cup of coffee.
Dixie threw him a non-nonsense look as she spoke, "So Mr. Itchy Pants, I heard that man you just rescued is going to be fine."
Roy fidgeted uncomfortably before responding, "Yeah, he sure lucked out. Good thing one of the other workers managed to keep him from suffocating until we arrive at the scene."
"Well it looks like Kel is going to be the 'lucky one' who gets Johnny's patient," Dixie chuckled merrily.
"Yeah…poor Johnny he has…well he has that type of luck," Roy responded without resorting to using a four-letter word. He was never comfortable using that type of language in front of a female.
"Now Roy, don't you feel the tiniest bit sorry for Johnny," Dixie admonished him lightly.
Roy gave Dixie a sheepish smile, "I'm kinda surprised that it wasn't Johnny in the poop house when it fell over."
They were interrupted by Paula, the new nurse that was Johnny's latest obsession. She informed Dixie that the ambulance containing the second victim from the construction site had just arrived. Dixie told her that Treatment Room 3 was ready and that she could assist Dr. Brackett with the patient. The expression on the pretty Paula's face became grim. Roy threw a quizzical look Dixie's way a little puzzled that she wasn't going to be assisting Dr. Brackett.
Dixie got up from the table and placed her empty cup in the sink before throwing a raised eyebrow Roy's way, "That's one case I won't be assisting Kel on," she said as she paused by the door, "One of the perks of being the head nurse happens to involve 'delegating.' Besides it might make Johnny feel better having a pretty face in the room."
Dixie returned to the nursing station and watched the Johnny walk by as Dr. Early exited Treatment Room 4. He wrinkled his nose as he caught wind of the foul stench that laced through the air as Johnny passed by them. He made his way to the nursing station and slightly tilted of his head in Johnny's direction.
"I already KNOW what Roy was playing in but WHAT on earth did Johnny get himself into?"
Dixie sighed heavily, "Johnny had to rescue a man from a fallen porta potty right after the ambulance left with Roy and your patient."
Dr. Early chuckled back, "I guess that explains why Johnny smells like something a giant cat would bury in the sand. So…ummm….Dix, tell me whose the lucky doctor that got that patient."
"Why our highly-esteemed Head of Emergency," she said sweetly with a slight wickedness in her smile.
Roy was almost finishing his second cup of coffee when Johnny opened the door and huffed, "I'd rather wait outside for Chet to bring the squad in."
Roy got up and followed Johnny catching a whiff of the scent that drifted over from his partner. He dreaded the ride back to the station. Even with a good hosing down, Johnny knew he was going to need to purchase new shoes as soon as this shift ended. Dr. Early and Dixie looked on as the two paramedics exited the staff lounge and walked by. Johnny held his head down and walked briskly by while Roy purposely followed several paces behind him.
"I see 'Stinky and Scratchy' are headed back to work," Dr. Early quipped as the two men walked by them.
Roy had just finished taking a quick shower and donned a fresh uniform. He headed out into the back lot of the station where Johnny was trying to scrub the offensive smell from his shoes. Neither him or Johnny kept a spare pair of shoes at work. Roy poked his head out into the back lot to see how Johnny was making out with getting the smell out of his shoes.
Roy hesitantly walked up behind Johnny and softly cleared his throat, "Soooo, how you making out there?"
"Remind me to buy an extra pair of shoes to keep in my locker," Johnny grumbled.
Remembering the numerous times he walked around in wet shoes Roy replied back, "That's probably a smart idea."
Johnny rinsed the pine-scented soap off of his shoes, "Maa-nnn, I don't think I'll ever get THAT stench out of those shoes."
"Why don't you let them dry out a little while you take a shower and put on a fresh uniform? You probably got most of the smell out of your shoes."
No matter how hard he scrubbed or how much soap he used, the rank odor seemed to be permanently embedded in his shoes. Johnny let out a 'hummph' in frustration as he left the shoes on the pavement before heading off towards the shower. When he was finished cleaning up he joined the rest of the crew in the kitchen wearing his turnout pants and boots. His putrid smelling shoes were drying out in the sun in the back lot of the station. He grabbed a cup of coffee and joined the other men at the kitchen table. Chet greeted him with a huge grin, which caused Johnny's stomach to sink.
"You know, Gage, the ancient Egyptians had toilets thousands of years ago. Of course, back then it was nothing more than a stool with a hole in the middle and a clay pot beneath it," Chet said waiting for Johnny roll his eyes in annoyance before he continued. "They even buried the more prominent members of their society with 'em."
Johnny kept a stoic look on his face while the rest of the crew snickered lightly over the history lesson that was now being foisted upon them. Chet waited for the crew to settle down before he proceeded to further 'educate' his shift mates.
"The Middle Ages introduced chamber pots. Now the bad thing with those pots was people threw the contents out their windows. Bet they didn't walk to close to the buildings in those days. You know, I bet people didn't walk the streets either because that had to have smelled, man, can you image people throwing their ca-ca out into the streets."
"I bet you guys don't know the word 'commode' is French for 'convenient'? You know those cabinet kind with the wash basin are considered collectable and worth some real cash. Can you image, something someone once crapped in is worth good money."
Johnny snorted, "Next you're gonna tell me the origins of the word 'crap'."
Chet beamed ear-to-ear, "Now the word crap actually has it's origins from the Middle Ages. It comes from the term 'crapping ken'. The word 'ken' means house hence the term 'crap house'. Now certainly other origins of the word crap could have could have come from the Dutch word 'krappen' or word 'crappe' which is French by the way."
"Chet, you know what your full of," Mike muttered.
Chet ignored Mike's comment and continued, "Did you know the phrase 'going to the crapper' was the result of World War I. In fact it comes from the first portable toilet. You see, back in World War 1 infantry men from the good old U. S. of A. used portable toilets and stamped on those toilets was 'T. Crapper'. That stood for Thomas Crapper & Company who provided the portable toilets for our soldiers."
"Well Chet, you certainly KNOW a lot about crap," Roy piped in accompanied by a light twittering from the other men in the room.
"That IS mostly comes out of Chet's mouth," Johnny whispered back
Marco guffawed before muttering his own comment, "I bet next he's gonna try to convince us a poop deck is the area on a ship where the sailor's used to hang their butts over the rails."
"Funny you should mention ships Marco. Did you know the first portable johns originated over at the shipyards in Long Beach back in the 40's," Chet said accompanied by a chorus of grumblings from his shift mates.
"Come on guys I'm trying to explain something here," Chet replied. "Anyways, the shipbuilders used wooden cabanas located right on the docks with a draining bin for waste. It wasn't so much for the convenience of the workers but a means for the employers to keep the workers close to the job site. If you ask my opinion it was purely for cost saving measures that they built those…"
Captain Stanley cleared his throat, "Okay Chet I think you dumped enough information on us for one day."
"But Cap, I haven't got to telling Johnny why everyone refers to a bathroom as the…," Chet began to protest as Captain Stanley held up his hand to signal him to 'stop.'
"Chet, what I find amazing is how you can remember all this stuff about crappers but only managed to place 74th on the Engineer's Exam."
It was now Johnny's turn to grin ear-to-ear over his Captain's last statement. The other men let out a few snorts and chuckles amongst themselves. The Captain turned Johnny up and down as he finally noticed the paramedic's attire.
"You know pal, you're gonna roast to death wearing those turnout pants. You have a spare pair of regular pants?"
Johnny could the heat of embarrassment rush through his body, "My problem is a spare pair of shoes. I'd be willing to put up with sopping wet shoes but I CAN'T get that SMELL out of them."
"What is it with you two?" Captain Stanley said as he shook his head at the two paramedics, "I mean, Roy can't get within a few hundred yards of a swimming pool without falling in and YOU ALWAYS manage to find your self in the most unusual predicaments."
"I guess I'm luckier," Roy to sniff at the air, "AND I smell better too."
Johnny narrowed his eyes at his partner, "Don't EVEN go there, pally. I had to listen to you and Chet complain about my smelly shoes all the way back to the station."
"Just be thankful we you ride in the cab instead of hanging off the running board," Roy teased.
Johnny huffed, "Ha-ha. Well at least I didn't track sand all in the inside of the cab."
Captain Stanley decided to break up the little squabble that had just started between his two paramedics, "Gentlemen, I'm sure after that last run that the squad could use a little cleaning."
"But Cap…," both men protested in unison.
"Now fellas, it's only fair that you clean out the squad for the next shift."
Both men grumbled as they headed out of the kitchen into the bay. Captain Stanley clapped his hands together assigning the remaining men various tasks that they could do around the station. He headed into the bay to find Johnny cleaning the squad by himself. He looked towards his office and spotted Roy emerging from it.
"He just couldn't wait to tell Joanne about my 'outhouse rescue'," Johnny muttered.
Captain Stanley gave him a sympathetic sigh, "Well John, it could have been worse. You could have been in that thing when it tipped over."
"Not a chance, Cap. Roy makes sure I 'go' before we take any long drives together," Johnny replied with a slight tone of humor.
Roy gave his Captain a hapless shrug as he opened the squad door and began sweeping the sand out with a rag. Captain Stanley headed to his office shaking his head at the two as he closed the door. He had a feeling that there was a little more to Roy's phone call then just informing Joanne of the latest predicament his partner had managed to get into. He had an inkling Roy had called his wife to secure a new pair of work shoes for his partner.
His suspicions were confirmed almost two hours later when Joanne arrived juggling a three-year-old on one of her hips while Christopher carried a shoebox into the station. Chet took Jennifer from her mother's arms and set her down on the kitchen table. He beckoned for Chris to come over to join them. Chet formed a three-way huddle with the two children while Mike went to fetch Johnny and Roy from the back lot.
In a lightly hushed tone Chet spoke to the two youngsters, "Uncle Chet has a song he'd like to teach you. It's called 'Skip to the Loo' and your Uncle Johnny is JUST gonna love it."
