DISCLAIMER: I don't own Touhou or "Actual Cannibal Shia Lebeouf". Credit to ZUN and Rob Cantor, respectively.
You're walking in the Forest of Magic
There's no one around and your magic is almost depleted
Out of the corner of your eye you see her aura:
Seija Kijin.
She's following you, about 30 trees back
She floats into the air and bursts into flight
She's gaining on you
Seija Kijin.
You're looking for the trail but you're all turned around
She's almost upon you now
and you can see there's blood on her face
My Kanako, there's blood everywhere!
Running for you life (from Seija Kijin)
She's brandishing the Mallet (It's Seija Kijin)
Lurking in the shadows
Gensokyo's most wanted Seija Kijin.
Living in the forest (Seija Kijin)
Hiding from the Law (Seija Kijin)
Killing all who find her
Amanojaku fugitive Seija Kijin.
Now it's dark and you seem to have lost her
But you're hopelessly lost yourself
Stranded with an outlaw
You creep silently through the giant mushrooms.
Aha! In the distance
A small cottage with a light on
Hope! You move stealthily toward it
But your leg! Ah! It's caught in a rune trap!
Lasering off your leg (Quiet, quiet)
Limping to the cottage (Quiet, quiet)
Now you're on the doorstep
Sitting inside: Seija Kijin.
Polishing the Mallet (Seija Kijin)
But she doesn't hear you enter (Seija Kijin)
You're sneaking up behind her
Strangling fugitive Seija Kijin.
Fighting for your life with Seija Kijin
Wrestling the Mallet from Seija Kijin
Smash it in her ribcage
Safe at last from Seija Kijin.
You limp into the Forest of Magic
Blood oozing from your stump leg
But you have won; you have beaten
Seija Kijin.
Wait! She isn't dead! Seija Surprise!
The Mallet to your head and death in her eyes.
But Meiling taught you Tai Chi
Qi Blast to the face of Seija Kijin.
Legendary duel with Seija Kijin
You are way too cool for Seija Kijin
You try to swing the Mallet at Seija Kijin
But blood is draining fast from your stump leg.
She's dodging every strike, she flies to the left
You counter to her right, you smash her in the neck
You're smashing in her head now
You have just incapacitated Seija Kijin.
Her body falls to the floor, motionless
You fall to your knees and eat a mushroom
You're finally safe from Seija Kijin.
The next day, you read in a popular newspaper that the infamous Seija Kijin was found completely unconscious in the Forest of Magic. The authorities don't know who did it, but thank the mystery vigilante in an interview with the reporter, one Aya Shameimaru. You feel a sense of pride make its way into your heart. You had no idea how wanted she really was, and are happy to have been the one to stop her. You aren't going to tell the Hakurei maiden you did it though, that's just asking to be involved with future incidents.
You sure are glad that mushroom made your leg grow back, though.
(R&R if it suits your fancy.)
