Chapter one – It's almost morning anyway
She was sitting at the bar as usual, staring at the television, not even knowing what was playing. Probably just some football game, she didn't even want to watch. But she did, it was much easier than being alone with her thoughts.
"Sweetheart, I've been watching you destroying yourself for over a year now. I think that beer is not going to help you. No matter how much you drink." Said Haymitch as he sat on the bar stool next to her. He was the owner of the bar. By now she didn't even care to answer him. Half a year ago, she would tell him to mind his fucking business, but right now She was beginning to think he might be right. But there was no way she would admit that.
"You never talk much, do ya?" He muttered more to himself than to her. This was their routine, she never spoke, just drank her beer, after drinking what she thought was enough for that night, she just stood up and left. No one bothered to speak to her. Only him. Even though she wouldn't admit it he was the only one keeping her sane. He and her roommate Johanna.
"Some drunken fools made a scene today. Quite big. They had to tear them apart." He picked up his beer and gulped it down.
"Okay girl, you look after yourself. You don't have to pretend you're so strong all the time. There are people who want to help you. See ya sweetheart." With that he stood up and left.
Her gaze followed him on his way through the bar. It was very old and sort of grumpy, but it was cheap and suited her just well. She looked at the people around her. Most of them were desperados just like her. Sometimes some lonely soul would wander in, but they usually left as quickly as they came in. Her eyes fixed on a guy in the far corner of the bar. She hadn't seen him before, which was strange, but he seemed, broken enough to fit just right to their little community. As she checked him up she realized he was very handsome. Not just plain handsome, but perfect. His big deep blue eyes. Sandy hair. Muscled, strong frame. The type of guy with ego high enough to reach the sky. And, to be a big dickhead. She constantly decided she didn't like him.
"She didn't even recognize me today." He almost chocked on the words. "Watsyourname?" He said to the waitress, already drunk. "I'm Delly, Peeta. You've known me since forever, right? And I think you've already had enough." She said as she took the glass of beer from him. She was a pretty, blond girl. But nothing was special about her. She was just uninteresting. Katniss hadn't even really noticed her before. As long as there was beer in front of her, she didn't care about shit around her.
"Nononono Dellie, I'll drink as much as I want. Gimme back my beer." Delly reluctantly gave his beer back. "She didn't recognize me, ya know. She thought I came to repair the television in her room that was broken." He seemed to be almost crying now. "I know Peet. I'm so sorry. But there is not much we can do about it. I'm sorry." Delly whispered.
"But you know what's worst Dellie? She fucking managed to scold me even if she didn't know who I was. I came in, said hello, tried to be nice and polite, nothing to infuriate her. I told her what was new in the bakery, just a little nice chat, ya know?" He silenced for a moment.
"She interrupted me right away, told me to do my fucking job and leave her alone. And I tried to tell her that I was a friend, because the doctor told me earlier, that if she didn't recognize me, I shouldn't tell her I was her son, because it could scare her. So I fucking tried to speak to her. And she started to scream at me and then called the nurse and told her I was trying to kidnap her." Hurt was written all over his face. He started to bubble some incoherent words, but I couldn't understand him anymore.
I slowly got up and left, Delly tried to say something, she was obviously new there, but Katniss ignored her. Haymitch would tell her tomorrow. She always paid at the end of the month.
She began her short walk to the apartment she shared with Jo. She got to the front door and as usual they were stuck. She had to use a great force to finally open and she nearly fell when it did. She was way more drunk than she realized. The door to the apartment opened before she had a chance to even unlock it. "Hey, Gale is here, said he needed to talk to you. Thought you might want to prepare yourself. "Jo almost whispered, as she stared at Katniss, who had shock written all over her face.
"I'm sorry Kat, I know you probably don't want to see him, but I couldn't get rid of him. He insisted he would wait for you." Katniss only managed to stare blankly. "Kat, Kat!" Jo was ready to slap her to get her attention. Bitch, she'd like that. Katniss thought and focused her eyes on Jo. "Good girl, now come in to get this over with. I'm fed up with his bullshit. He was probably trying to annoy the fuck out of me." There was the girl Katniss knew and loved very much. Even though none of them would admit it, they became very close throughout the last year. The bad things they had to face bringing them even closer together.
"Okay." Katniss said and looked at Jo. "Okay." Jo said in a mocking voice. "That's so like you Kat. Leaving it up to me to take care of you like a little baby." She tried to sound harsh, angry even, but there was softness in her voice, she couldn't quite hide. She hated seeing her best friend like that. But she knew the best thing she could do right now, was stick by her side and if things got out of control, just somehow get Gale out and get Katniss to bed with some sleeping pills. The poor girl couldn't manage to fall asleep without them. Even with them she would trash all night and wake up covered in sweat, god knows what, happening in her dreams.
They walked into the living room. Jo first. Katniss had a hard time walking straight, but eventually got to sit on the sofa with Jo next to her, her yes piercing Gale like daggers, daring him to hurt her little baby best friend. There was uncomfortable silence for few minutes before Gale spoke up.
"Oh Catnip, you look like shit." He called her by her old nickname back from the time they were small kids living next to each other, calling each other silly names. That got her attention. He hasn't called her that since she grew boobs. She felt Jo tense. But she didn't say anything. For now.
"Speak for yourself Gale; you don't exactly look like princess either." She stumbled a bit on the words. Her tongue becoming weirdly heavy.
"You're drunk Katniss?! So, that's how you handle things?! I thought better of you!" He was shouting by the end of the last sentence. But Katniss didn't say anything. She was starting to be sleepy.
"Katniss!" Gale snapped. "I think we need to fucking talk to each other like normal decent human beings! What have I done to you Katniss?! I only kissed you? Is that why you won't talk to me now?" He waited for her response for a while, but then continued. "I just felt like I had to do something. I know losing Prim hurt you like hell, but you wouldn't talk to me. I hated to see so much hurt in your eyes. It felt like you were crumbling in front of me and I didn't know what happened and I panicked. I didn't what I was doing, okay? I'm sorry Katniss. But what happened? What happened the night Prim died?! There has to be more to it!" He ran his hand through his hair, like he always did when he was nervous or desperate or both.
"I don't want to talk about it, Gale." Katniss mumbled, barely audible.
"But what the fuck happened Katniss?! I know you wouldn't be like this if it wasn't something serious. Oh, and the kiss. I know I fucked up, okay? That clearly wasn't the right time, but I already said I was sorry. What else can I do?" He got up as he talked getting dangerously close to Katniss. The image of Prim laying senselessly on the ground, blood all over her, shot through her mind. She shuddered at the memory. She was drunk and overwhelmed all the bad memories crushing her to the bad bad place in her mind again and she couldn't hold together anymore. Hot tears started running down her face.
Jo shot up and was pushing Gale out of the door, muttering something about him being even bigger dick than she originally thought. The door was shut and locked and within few seconds she was kneeling before Kat.
"Kat, baby, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't' have let him in in the first place. I should have known this wasn't going to end well. I just thought you two needed to talk. He was so important to you before. Come Kat, lean into me. We are going to put you into bed, okay." She waited before Katniss nodded. She slowly pulled her up and walked with her to her room, lowered her in the bed and tucked her in. "I'm gonna bring you your pills now, kay?" And she disappeared through the door. Katniss stared at the shadows that were on the ceiling. They looked like monsters. She felt like a little girl again. Waiting for her parents to give her goodnight and a kiss on her forehead. She feared darkness then. Of the shadow monsters, the monster under her bed waiting for one of her limbs to extend over the edge of the bad, so it could take her with him to the infinite darkness. But for all she knew she couldn't care less now. Whatever was waiting for her, couldn't be worse than what she was living in right now.
Jo appeared in the doorway. "Sorry I'm so late babe. Had some phone call to handle." She said as she passed her the pills and glass of water. She only looked at them for a while. One, two, three pills to put her to sleep. It used to be only one, then two. She couldn't stop from wondering how many she would have to swallow to not wake up in the morning. She quickly shook the thought. Prim wouldn't want that. Prim. Oh Prim. I'm so so sorry. She thought.
"Baby you have to swallow them okay. All of them. Can you do that for me?" Katniss nodded her head still picturing Prim in her mind. What would she be doing right now? This would have been her first year of college. She would be going to Penn State, like Katniss. She was so clever. She wanted to become a nurse, she would be so good at it. They weren't rich and neither of them would be able to go to college if they hadn't gotten scholarships. Everyone would love her here. Everyone always loved her. She was just so lovely. So unlike Katniss.
"Kat?" She realized she still hadn't swallowed the pills. She quickly did so. Jo nodded obviously pleased with herself. It used to take her much more effort to get her to swallow her pills. She kneeled beside the bad and starting caressing her had. The kind of affection she only allowed herself when she knew Katniss wouldn't remember a thing in the morning. She watched her as she slowly closed her eyes. She was gone within few minutes. The pills she took were very strong. But they were not going to be enough soon. I can't higher your dose again Miss Everdeen. So be careful. The doctor warned. Back then Katniss couldn't care less when she told Jo. But Jo started to worry. The nights would be hell again soon. Neither of them would sleep at all. Katniss because of the nightmares and Jo because of Katniss frequent screaming.
Jo knew this night was going to be rough. After a day like that Katniss would have terrible nightmares. The sleeping pills only making it worse. Because she wouldn't be able to wake up. Jo often had to shake her awake. It was a no-win situation. She wouldn't sleep at all without them her thoughts keeping her wide awake her body wildly shaking with sobs.
Jo set at the couch, deciding it was not worth it going to sleep. She switched between few channels, before her eyes got too heavy to keep them open and drifted off to sleep.
Her nightmares started as usual, the first one being her father dying. Katniss and Prim ran to their porch to wait for him, their mom joining them soon, when they saw him arriving through the window in the kitchen. They always did it and he was never late. He would park. Run to them give them both a kiss. Prim first cause she's younger. But I love you three just the same, ya know, my girls. He would say. Kiss Prim, then Katniss and last their mom. Then they would come in and have dinner, go to the woods or simply watch a movie if they were too tired. But not that day.
He parked the car Katniss drove now, which was very old even back then. Then he was crossing the street and then the car came and crushed into him. Katniss screamed and ran to him. Prim only steps behind with their mother. And the car was speeding away. Didn't even stop. His eyes were still open when she got to him. He looked at her, his eyes unfocused. He tried to say something but Katniss couldn't understand him. She tried to. But she couldn't. And then he was gone.
Someone was shaking with her. And shouting her name. She opened her eyes. She tried to say something but she couldn't, her voice raspy from screaming. Then she spotted Jo. Focus Katniss. She is saying something. Focus. She said to herself. "Baby? Oh, god Katniss. I couldn't wake you up." She hugged her close. She was shaking violently. "I can't give you any more sleeping pills now. It's too soon. But I can bring the others." She suggested carefully. The "others" were antidepressants doctor prescribed for Katniss. But she hated them. They only brought fog to her mind and didn't solve a thing. She shook her head, still not able to speak.
"I thought so. Will you be okay? Or should I stay?" Katniss shook her head again even though she knew she would stay anyway. They fell into comfortable silence until they were both sleeping again, Jo uncomfortably twisted half on the bed and half on the ground, but she couldn't care less.
Katniss was walking alongside Prim. They were just heading back to Katniss' apartment after they had few drinks in one of the nicer bars on campus. Prim came there for her personal interview and decided to stay for the weekend. It was dark, but neither of them was scared. Both thinking they were completely safe. They were chatting, fine maybe it was Prim doing all the speaking, but that's like it's always been. If they were paying closer attention they could have heard them earlier. Katniss blamed herself for it, but it probably wouldn't have changed a thing. Then it was all blurred, both screaming. And she was woken by Jo once again.
"Shh, shh, it's okay now. It's fine. I'm here." Katniss had no more tears to shed, so she just sat and waited until she no longer felt like puking.
"I don't want to go back to sleep." Her voice was shaking. "Okay, it's almost morning anyway."
AN/ Thank you so much for reading. I wrote this more than a year ago, and just did some editing. I'm sorry to anyone who read this the first time and had to wait for more than a year, but I'm here now and ready to get back to writing. I just now noticed how awful my English is, so sorry for that, too. Just one gem I found, I introduced Peeta as a very nice gay because somehow it got messed up in my head with guy. Thanks guys!
