Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy, its characters and universe belong to Shonda Rhimes and ABC. I'm only a fan, writing this for love of this TV show and personal pleasure.
A.N.: Japril still manages to pull at my heartstrings just when I think I'm getting over Grey's. What's going on in April's head at the end of 12x11?
Begin Again
1. Her circumstances
"According to the test I took this morning, yeah actually… I think I am."
As she said it, a smile came over her lips and before this morning, April hadn't thought this would be possible. She just got divorced. Her, divorced! There was no reason to smile. But that was before this morning. Because before this morning life had been so much different. She'd been angry and confused and hurt, and while now she still was all that she also had something else: Hope.
She wasn't a fool. No, April Kepner was no fool. She knew that some people still viewed her as naïve and silly and wide-eyed as when she first came to Seattle and started her residency program at the extinct Mercy West. She still talked too much and got ahead of herself and wore her heart on her sleeve, and in all honesty that probably wouldn't change for as long as she lived. But she wasn't naïve anymore; life had made sure of that.
She knew a baby wouldn't be an answer to save a marriage. If Jackson was really decided to divorce her, she would let him. He wasn't willing to talk anymore and to hear her out and understand her. But that had always been how he operated. When he didn't hear what he wanted to hear, the discussion was over. He was done. And that was exactly why she kept insisting on this; how could he give up just because he didn't get his way? That wasn't marriage.
Before this morning, she had planned to go out with all guns blazing and her ready speech of fighting for love and fighting for them. But now… She had a baby to think of. It was all right to keep herself and Jackson in this mess of a relationship, because she believed they were worth fighting for. She truly believed that. But a baby? A baby hadn't signed up for any of this. All a baby wanted was to be loved, and she would make sure this baby would be so much loved.
She wouldn't want to use their baby to force him to stay with her. Not when it was all over in his eyes, not when he was decided like that. If he couldn't be with her for them, she didn't want him to stay for the baby.
And surprisingly, it was okay. Her smile became more pronounced as she thought it over one more time. She might be the first Kepner to get divorced, and she'd never thought she'd be divorcing Jackson of all people. But now there was something. This baby proved that their marriage, their whole relationship hadn't been a mistake, that there had been so many good moments and there had been real love between them. That was the way God chose to remind her. Because even if their road had been a messy one, with so much pain, it also brought joy.
"April, oh my God," Arizona said as she sat beside her, quite shell-shocked. "Why did you—what will you—?"
"Arizona, please," April said, closing her eyes for a moment. "I just—I can't think about this right now. Can we just… can we order something in and not talk for a while?"
Arizona stared at her for a few moments. The redhead really did seem so tired, as if she'd come through a war. Which, in a way, she had. Arizona then she just nodded along. "Okay. What would you like?"
"Anything but Chinese," she said, nearly under her breath, but her friend heard her anyway and got up to make the order, taking the wine and champagne bottles back to the counter.
Arizona placed an order with a nearby pizza place she loved and as she set the phone down she said, "Do you mind if I have something to drink? I think I need something to drink."
"No, go ahead," April replied quietly, still unmoved from her spot.
The blonde poured herself a glass of white wine and joined her back on the couch. "Alright," Arizona said, nodding a bit a she surveyed her friend. "So… divorced and pregnant?"
April just looked at her askance and said, "Didn't I just ask us not to talk?"
"I'm sorry," Arizona replied, raising her hands defensively while she still held her wine glass. "You know you can't just drop this on me and expect me not to talk about it. I'm not Meredith, who can go on with a smile on her face and not talking about things. I'm like you! I need to talk about things and I don't understand how you are not talking about it right now."
"It's just that…" April said, closing her eyes and pinching the bridge of her nose before she looked back at her friend and started gesturing wildly with her hands. "This is all just so surreal. It doesn't seem real. I can't believe I got up this morning, took a pregnancy test and then got divorced. To Jackson! Jackson and I got divorced."
"I know," Arizona nodded at what she said. "And in my experience that feeling will last for a while, it won't go away that easy. But April, honey, we have to think about what you're going to do with this."
"I know," April replied. "I just didn't want to have to think about it so soon. Right now this isn't really real. I mean, a homemade pregnancy test is not conclusive enough, not for me."
"Right," Arizona agreed. "So if you want to, we can have our pizza and afterwards I can take you to the hospital and we draw blood for an hCG test."
The redhead nodded quietly as she looked out the window in front of her. After a moment, she turned and looked straight to Arizona as she said, "I'm scared." Arizona gave her a sympathetic look in understanding. "I know my feelings are all over the place right now, but I'm really scared. What if I am pregnant and this baby has osteogenesis too? I don't think I can go through that again."
"I know, I know," Arizona said soothingly. "But type II osteogenesis imperfecta is usually 100% the result of de novo mutation. The odds of this happening twice to you are minimal, 2 to 4%."
"Yeah, okay," April agreed, nodding shakily at that. "Right. I need to remind myself of that. God, please don't let me go through this again."
Arizona reached over and squeezed her hand. The two of them remained in silence for a while, but it wasn't long before Arizona spoke again. "Are you going to tell Jackson?"
"Probably. I don't know," April shrugged her shoulders a bit in despair. "Can I tell him after I know for sure that this baby is perfectly healthy?"
"April, you know the earliest and safest test you can take is at 14 weeks. Are you going to wait that long?" Arizona kept trying to be the voice of reason in this impossible situation.
"Maybe," April shrugged once more, and the blonde just looked pointedly at her. "No, you're right. I have to tell him. I just… I just wanted a break, you know?"
"I know," Arizona smiled at her. "But I'm gonna be here all the way, I'm gonna help you with this. And it will be alright."
"Yeah, thank you," April replied with a small smile of her own. Arizona set her glass on the table and reach over to hug her.
Soon after their pizza arrived. They ate while talking of amenities, and afterwards both went out, back to the hospital.
A.N.: Before anybody loses their mind, I'm not taking any sides here, both April and Jackson were right and wrong about a few things. I'm just writing things in her point of view because it's easiest to me. And I'm sure this baby will be perfectly healthy; the writers can't make Japril or us go through this again!
