Is Everyone in Konaha GAY?!

There I was, walking innocently around Konahagakure village one day, minding my own business. Well. That day nearly put me into a mental hospital, I swear. I'm Kankuro of The Land of Wind; the guy with the puppet, and man, let me tell you, Konaha is weird. But don't tell my boyfriend I said that. He might hurt me. In ways that are NOT fun.

I am going to attempt to explain what happened on that fateful day.

I was strolling along in the early summer, taking in the sights and smells of the town. There were plenty of restaurants that had heavenly scents wafting through the doors. Mmmm…Chicken. Anyways, I was searching for my siblings: Temari and Gaara. I found them all right, later, along with other things I could have done without.

I had bent over to observe an odd looking stone in my path, when something crashed into me. Or, rather, someone. Someone with sun-bleached blonde hair, cobalt blue eyes, and an astonishing amount of energy . Uzumaki Naruto. He was lying next to me on the ground, clothes rumpled.

" Oh, geeze, sorry Kankuro; didn't mean to do that. Wait. How come you're in the middle of the road, anyways?" Naruto looked at me with slightly narrowed curious eyes.

" Dobe. You should watch where you're going so you don't slam into people." Uchiha Sasuke looked down at Naruto with a look that showed half exasperation, half amusement.

" Teme! It's not my fault! I just…well, maybe it is my fault. But you still shouldn't insult me!" I was a bit offended by the fact that no one had bothered asking how I fared against the hyperactive boy's near-tackle, but knew that I shouldn't really be surprised. Sasuke wasn't the sort to show concern, and he was distracting Naruto.

I cleared my throat and stood up. To my surprise, Sasuke helped Naruto up with one hand. I raised my eyebrows at this and decided to ask where they were going in such a hurry.

"We're going to the ramen bar! Sasuke's treating me! I love ramen!" Naruto had a huge grin on his face, "It's my favorite place to go to for a date!"

If my eyebrows went any further up, they would have left my face, "Date?" I managed to get out.

"Uh-huh. Didn't you know? Sasuke's my boyfriend now. We've been dating for a few months," at that he tilted his face up at Sasuke and gave him a peck on the cheek, which made a soft, pale pink flush appear on Sasuke.

My jaw dropped as they walked off in the direction of the ramen bar, hand in hand, "What the CANOLA OIL?!" I breathed through my lips.

I was stunned at that little discovery I had made about Naruto and Sasuke, but I had had a suspicion before that the two liked each other in that way. Still, it was a bit surprising.

I kept walking, a bit faster this time; the day wasn't getting any longer and I still had to find my raccoon- eyed brother and weirdo sister.

~*~*~*~*~

This time I walked a bit more cautiously, as I didn't want a repeat of that little episode. Alas, it did no good. I kept walking at a brisk pace and looking from side to side but then it hit me…right in the middle of my back and succeeded in knocking me flat on my face for the second time that day. (Well, aside from my falling down the steps earlier, but that's really not important.) Managing to leap to my feet, I pointed a finger at my offender and screamed, "GET AWAY FROM ME YOU LITTLE BLONDE BALL OF ALL THINGS ADD!"

…Which made for an interesting conversation starter with the dog that now looked at me with a puzzled expression on his furry face. I understood why he was panting when his owner came running up next to him and put his hand on his knees to steady himself. It was a boy with wildly spiky hair and markings on his cheeks. Kiba, I managed to recognize him as.

" Whoa, thanks, man. I don't know what got into him all the sudden. He just took off without a warning or anything. Sorry he knocked ya down. Here," He extended his hand and I took it, hoisting myself up.

"I must implore you, Kiba, to find a way to control your hound. This is, I believe, the 3rd time in the past 11 days that this has occurred," a pale boy with dark hair and sunglasses had spoken, breathing slightly heavily. I recognized him as Shino, the bug-boy.

I stood there, reluctant to say anything as I had just gotten a feeling that something on the unfortunate side of events was about to happen. And just so you know, I wouldn't mind being right about things if I wasn't always right about the things I wish I was wrong about. Like my newly acquired sense of Esp. Grabbing Kiba by the waist, Shino planted a smacker on the boy's lips. He then proceeded to smack him upside the head, causing Kiba to yell.

" Hey, that's not nice, Shino! I'm sorry, okay? Here, how 'bout we go get ice cream, my treat?"

Shino shook his head, saying, " The ice cream is a good suggestion, true, but you just forfeited the role of seme for your week."

Kiba's eyes grew wide, "WHAT!? That's SO not fair!"

I stopped listening after that. I was in a state of shock at hearing that just shouted out to the public of Konoha Village. That, added to the fact that I was bashing my skull into the corner of a table conveniently located next to me at the time. Repeatedly. It took at least five days for the swelling to go down.

~*~*~*~*~

At that point I needed to sit for a while in a nice, quiet environment such as a bookstore. With what I thought was my good fortune at the time, I spotted a nice looking bookstore about a half block down the road. Cradling my bleeding head with trembling fingers, I shuffled down the trodden path. When I reached the door I was about to open it when…I found myself on the floor. Again. I said a little prayer for the death of whomever crashed into me when I found myself looking into the eyes- or rather eye, singular- of none other than the famous copy-nin Hatake Kakashi. He had leaned down and was helping that pink-haired Haruno girl up when he said, "Yo, Kankuro. Sorry. Don't be mad at Sakura- she didn't mean to do that. It was my fault. You okay?"

I thought about saying no, but common sense told me to be more polite to a man with his reputation, "I'm…fine. I guess."

I didn't say I was going to be a diplomat about it either, though.

" I'm so sorry Kankuro, I swear I didn't mean it! Kakashi-sensei and I were supposed to meet our dates over an hour ago, and I've been trying to drag him here, but he's a lot larger than I am, so when I was trying to tug his sleeve I lost my grip and," Sakura gasped for air, having said all that in only one breath, " well, I ended up losing my balance too, and fell on…what happened to your face?!"

Ah. That. I'd forgotten that it might look odd for a teenage boy to be walking about dripping blood everywhere. Silly details, you know…

"It's a long story," I stated simply. It then occurred to me that last time I had seen her, the girl seemed hopelessly infatuated with Sasuke. I wondered who she was dating now that the Uchiha had been claimed and thought I would ask. "So, Sakura, who are you meeting? What with Naruto and Sasuke together and all…"

"Oh," she blushed. "You'll see. Come inside with us."

With that, the slender girl pushed open the door and her sensei followed her inside. I went after them, ignoring, for the second time, the sudden feeling of dread I had gotten. I should have listened to that feeling of dread. Feelings of dread are always ignored and yet are always trying to warn you about something. Oh my sweet, sweet feeling of dread: Why do I push you aside so?

" YOU'RE LATE, FOREHEAD! I'VE BEEN WAITING ON YOUR BILLBOARD BROW WITH IRUKA-SENSEI FOR ALMOST A YEAR!"

My eardrums were now as much a wreck as the rest of me. Stupid loud blond girls- it was Yamanaka Ino who had screeched so obnoxiously. So much for bookstores being nice and quiet. Standing next to her outraged form was that chuunin- Iruka, who taught at the Academy. He looked a mixture of annoyed, exasperated, and relieved. Poor man had probably been subjected to Ino's loud mouth for quite some time.

" Look, Ino-pig, I was TRYING to get my lazy sensei to get a move on so we wouldn't be late! He still managed to make us all wait an hour, but it would have been worse if I hadn't gone to get him!"

At this point I was very confused. I knew that Kakashi and Sakura were going to pick up their dates and that Iruka and Ino were waiting for them. That meant that either Iruka and Kakashi were pedophiles, which I couldn't believe of Iruka, (Kakashi…well, he did carry that book around all the time…) or that Iruka and Kakashi- and Ino and Sakura-

" Wait one blue balloon poppin' moment here- who's on a date with who?!" I demanded.

" Ino and Sakura are together, and so are Iruka-kun and I. Ino and Sakura got over their fight about Sasuke after he and Naruto got together and realized that they actually had a thing for each other, and I noticed that Iruka was really adorable when he blushes…yes, just like that…I wonder if there's a private corner somewhere in here…" Kakashi looked about eagerly.

" Ka-Kakashi, don't say such things in front of…"

I missed the end of that sentence. I was banging my head into the corner of a bookshelf at the time, so it was understandable. You'd think I would have learned my lesson the first time around, but it's possible all the head-banging had messed up my thought process.

" Say, Sakura, I think we may have the answer to your question about Kankuro's head…"

~*~*~*~*~

I was now walking towards a field I had seen. Technically, I still wanted to find my siblings, but, well…I wanted to take a break where there wasn't a large amount of people around. Less chance to get knocked down on my rear again, you see.

I walked through the grass, looking for a place to sit. Spotting a nice sized rock, I walked over to it and sat down. "Mmmmm…so relaxing…" The warm sun felt good on my face. Before I knew it, I was fast asleep, resting from the stressful day I had had.

I should have known it couldn't last long. The first thing I was aware of was an excruciating pain all over my body. Of course, I had already been in pain, but this was sudden, coming out of nowhere. It felt like a pile of bricks fell right on top of me. Because, you know, my day hadn't been bad enough already.

"How troublesome, Choji."

'Troublesome? Choji? The lazy genius from Konaha who beat Temari says 'troublesome' all the time. And hangs out with that fat kid who eats nonstop named Choji',was my initial thought. My second thought, however, was 'get this thing off me'.

"Oi! A little help here!" I managed to force my crushed lungs into saying.

A "Sorry!" came from the sack of bricks.

I twisted my neck to see that it was Choji, not bricks, which was what was causing me such agony. Shikamaru and I shoved him off of me. Being in his balloon-like state, Choji didn't seem to be able to do so himself. Shikamaru gave me a look that clearly said 'sorry', and helped his friend up once he had deflated.

"Sorry about that. Choji was practicing his jutsu. We didn't know anyone else was around here," he gave me a once over and asked me with one eyebrow raised, "What else happened to you? You look like you've been hit by a train. He," the genius motioned to Choji, "couldn't have done all that to you."

I was once again reminded of my bleeding face. It was still dripping. I sighed and massaged my forehead with my hand. "It's a long story."

Shikamaru had a nonchalant look on his face when he asked, "Did you happen to run into anyone else?"

Damn IQ of over 200. "Yeah. Naruto and Sasuke, Kiba and Shino, Kakashi, Sakura, Iruka, and Ino." I counted them on my fingers. "They didn't do this to my face, though. This is, sadly, all self-inflicted."

" Traumatized?"

I nodded. He put a hand on my shoulder. "Again, sorry. They're all a bit nuts. Especially Ino. Do your ears hurt?" I nodded again. "Figures. Living in Suna all your life, you're not prepared for the mental strain Konaha can give someone. I mean, all you've got is an insomniatic brother who houses a bloodthirsty demon and occasionally kills people for recreational purposes. Nothing much, really. Every day here is a new lesson in dysfunctional living," He patted my back, then added, "Oh, and, you should know: Choji and I are together as well. Just so you aren't shocked if we start making out or something."

I looked at him. "Shikamaru?"

"Yes?"

"Can you do me a small favor? It involves me, a bag, and a river at least 6 feet deep."

"Take it like a man, Kankuro. And stop your pathetic whimpering," He sighed, while putting his hands in his pockets. " How troublesome."

~*~*~*~*~

After bidding goodbye to Shikamaru and Choji, I decided that I was just going to have to grit my teeth and find my siblings so I could get home and put some ice on my face. I mean, it's not like things could get worse, right? Right?

Wrong. That time, when I found myself on the ground, I just thought 'Well, crap. I told Temari when I was seven that God hated me, and she told me I was being dumb and to prove it. Now, a decade later, I can. I guess there really IS a silver lining to every cloud.' I was getting way too comfortable with being physically assaulted.

" I-I-I'm sorry. Sh-She didn't m-mean to, honest. A-Are you o-okay?" There was a cute, slim girl with pupil-less lavender eyes, eggplant colored hair, and large…tracts of land* kneeling in front of me. I was pretty sure she was Hyuuga Hinata, the heir to the prestigious Hyuuga clan. She was blushing and her dainty eyebrows were furrowed at both me and the girl on the ground rubbing her elbow.

The girl looked at me with a sheepish grin. I didn't recognize her. She was tan, with honey brown hair tied up in a messy ponytail. Her brown-gold-green eyes managed to convey that the situation was not at all intentional from behind a pair of glasses. She was on the slim side of average, though the muscles in her arms and legs were visible as she pulled both herself and me up at the same time.

"Hey. I'm really sorry about that, Kankuro. I was carrying our picnic basket and the napkins flew out. I was chasing them, and I got 'em" She held up a handful of white paper napkins, "…along with you. Again, really sorry about that."

I didn't really care anymore about getting hit, but I did want to know how she knew my name. As I said, I didn't recognize her. I told her this and was surprised when she started laughing. She clutched Hinata's shoulder and spoke through giggles.

"That's right. You don't know…Hinata and I are friends with Tenten. Of course, you don't know about that, either. Well, we're friends of Temari. She's showed us pictures of you," I didn't like how she snickered just then. I bet Temeri broke out the photo album where she caught me trying on her clothes and make-up. She extended her hand to me, "I'm Emily. Nice to meet you. I guess you already know my girlfriend Hinata here."

" Wait, wait. You two are dating?!" I took a step back.

Hinata looked at Emily and down at the ground, her face bright red. "Y-Yes. Does…does that…bother you?"

I realized I sounded like a homophobe. "No! I just…it's been bugging me…IS EVERYONE IN KONAHA GAY?!" That only made it worse, but it was a valid question.

"No…well…" Emily looked at Hinata. "IS everyone gay? I mean…Tsunade's with Shizune…and Anko and Kurenai are together, and so are Rai and Genma…heck, GAI and IBIKI went on a date last week…I didn't see that one coming myself…"

"W-well, what about J-Jiraiya?" Hinata stammered, blushing even more.

"Oh, God! Yeah, he's straight. Won't leave the damn bathhouse alone despite Tsunade pummeling him for it the last time." Hinata shuddered at this, which made me wonder if she was remembering being spied on, or just how badly he had been hurt.

" Okay, so there's ONE straight guy, at least. I've got nothing against homosexuality, but how does your village not die out?"

Emily smiled at me and patted my back condescendingly. "Oh, Kankuro…It's not our place to tell you about the birds and the birds."

~*~*~*~*~

Turns out Hinata and Emily were eating their picnic with Lee, Tenten…Gaara and Temari! After explaining to them that I'd been looking for them all day, they invited me to come along. I accepted, of course. Tired of wondering around Konaha all day, there was nothing I wanted more than to end my search. Well, besides a nice trip to some relaxing, remote island where no one gets tackled and there are an unlimited amount of free smoothies. My favorite is banana strawberry.

When we arrived at a nice little field not unlike the one where I had met Shikamaru, I spotted a group of people sitting on a large red and white checkered blanket. Temari and the weapons mistress Tenten were laughing at something while Gaara looked almost like he was smiling. I stopped at this. What on earth could be so funny that- and I was down, tasting the grass in my mouth.

"Oh, for the love of Pinocchio! What the heck is UP with this?! God, you already made your point; I know you hate me! Now lay off- this is 6th time today!" I was close to tears. My make- I mean, face paint was thoroughly ruined and I felt so bruised and banged up I just wanted to curl up in a ball and hide away for the next few decades. I looked up at the poor fool who had broken my sanity.

"I APOLIGIZE PROFUSELY FOR CRASHING INTO YOU, KANKURO-SAN! I WAS NOT CAREFUL WITH MY YOUTHFUL ENERGY AND HAVE MADE YOU PAID THE PRICE FOR ME! FOR THAT, I AM TRULY SORRY! I WILL RUN 100 LAPS AROUND KONAHA TO PUNISH MYSELF! NO, 200 LAPS! I WILL NOT REST UNTIL I HAVE PROVEN MYSELF WORTHY OF YOUR TRUST AGAIN!"

Yeah. I don't need to tell you who that was. Green spandex, bowl cut, huge fuzzy eyebrows that will gain sentience one day and crawl right off his forehead, and a loud mouth that speaks the most ridiculous things known to man. Rock Lee.

" Yeah, um… could you start by helping me up? I just don't have the strength or will to so it myself anymore."

"YOSH! OF COURSE I WILL ASSIST YOU! IT IS THE LEAST I COULD DO AFTER DOING YOU DISSERVICE!"

With that, he pulled me up with one arm in less than a second. He's a strong guy, after all. Strong, but very strange.

"Hello, Kankuro. Are you joining us?" Tenten questioned, looking amused. "I hope you don't have a problem being the 7th wheel…" she trailed off, biting her lip.

"Wait, what?" I looked around at Temari and Gaara. Gaara stared back, as if daring me to ask him. Temari was looking away at the sky, humming softly. I didn't care. "What does that mean, guys? Why am I a 7th wheel?"

"WERE YOU NOT AWARE OF GAARA-KUN'S AND MY BLOSSOMING LOVE, KANKURO-SAN? OR THE SAME OF THE LOVELY LOTUS BLOSSOMS TEMARI-SAN AND TENTEN-CHAN? " Lee raised a caterpillar-eyebrow at me.

I nearly fainted. Well, actually, I did. But, come on! GAARA dating ROCK LEE?! I did not see that coming. Lee is so…cheerful, energetic, and GREEN. And Gaara is so…not. And I had no idea Temari liked Tenten, although it was easier to come to terms with.

" Dang. I guess it's not just Konaha that's gay," was all I could say.

" Hinata-sama. Hiashi-sama sent me here. I'm sorry to intrude," spoke a deep, smooth voice from behind me. I turned and saw a pair of lavender eyes in an indisputably handsome face. Hyuuga Neji. Judging from his polite words, he seemed to at least be trying to be on better terms with his cousin.

"You're not gay too, are you?" The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.

He looked at me as though I was stupid. "Have you seen my hair?" was all he said.

I looked at his hair. His long, flowing, shiny, jet black hair that looked as though it had perfect care. Perfect care that could only be given by a girl…or a gay man.**

"Dangit! Maybe it's just a ninja thing," I said, defeated. "Besides Jiriaya, that is. And me."

"Oh?" Neji raised his perfectly arched eyebrows and smirked. "I can change that. Be ready at 5:30 sharp."

I was about to refuse, but then I shrugged. "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em," I turned to Neji. "What should I wear?"

He gave me another smirk. "See? It's working already."

*I apologize if you've never seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Basically, Kankuro's saying she's got large breasts. If you have seen it, I hope you enjoyed the reference enough to not sue me for copyright infringements.

** I'm not trying to enforce any gay stereotypes here. Just an attempt at humor. So, I'm sorry, gay men who are annoyed with me right now. No offense meant. That also goes to girls who, like me, don't really do anything to their hair besides washing and brushing. And killing by means of chlorine, as I'm in the pool 3 hours a day.