The characters appearing in this story are property of Aka Cartoon and Cartoon Network. I neither own nor profit from these characters, except for Megan. She is an OC I created in 2000.
Hopelessly Devot-Ed, Part One
It's been a week since Halloween, and Eddy still enjoyed notoriety for his latest school prank. Once Principal Antonucci calmed Coach Greeley down, even he found it a little funny. Eddy felt lucky, too. Mr. Antonucci could've run him through another round of Saturday detentions, but he let him off with a thirty minute lecture and an essay assignment on why snakes and frogs belong in the Science Lab, and not in the pool during a Lady Cobs Swim Team practice.
"Dinner's on," called Eddy's mom. Eddy washed his hands and strolled into the kitchen. He was ready for dinner conversations about his father's work life, or his mother's progress rebuilding her motorcycle engine. He was not ready for the small opened tan envelope from Peach Creek Junior High. "Oh, no... Downslips," he thought, "I am so dead."
Dinner started quietly though it was obvious Eddy's parents read his downslips. They weren't thrilled. He helped himself to some casserole and waited. It took quite a while before they moved into their favorite torture method: talking as if he wasn't there. His mother put a portion of broccoli on Eddy's plate and started in. "So, I understand Eddy's been having fun at school, lately."
"Um-hmm," his father answered.
"Snakes on the swim team, firecrackers during study hall, coffee cups glued to desks, shaved guinea pigs... He's really raising the bar."
"Um-hmm."
Eddy looked around nervously.
"You know, Eddy is almost old enough to go to Pembrook."
"Um-hmm."
Eddy freaked. "MILITARY SCHOOL?! NO! You wouldn't! You can't! Don't make me go to Pembrook! PLEASE!"
"It's done your brother a world of good," his mother continued.
"Um-hmm."
Eddy rolled his eyes. "Oh yeah. Good ole' Artie. He's a real riot now that he's properly pressed. I'd say the real improvement was the cattle prod they welded up his..."
"Edward!"
"What? You wrecked him!"
Eddy's dad steepled his hands and leaned forward to emphasize the law he was about to lay down. "Tell you what. You can quit fooling around and get your grades up, or you can call your Drill Sergeant 'Daddy' for the next few years."
Eddy sank in his chair and stared down at his plate.
"Eat your broccoli," chimed his mom.
-
"Hiya Eddy!" Eddy peered around his locker door to see Edd coming toward him. Ed followed close behind. "Whatcha' doing?"
"Nothing." Eddy sounded down enough for even Ed to perceive.
"Are you alright?"
"Oh, I'm fine. Perfect. My parents are sending me to Pembrook."
"Isn't there anything you can do?"
"A miracle. My parents want a miracle."
"Oh, your grades! Well, I can help."
"It's no use, Double-D. The semester is half-over! What am I going to improve in six weeks?!"
"Aw, c'mon Eddy, it's not that bad. All you have to do is concentrate on your homework."
"Like I said, it's useless."
"I can help you study, Eddy. I already know most of the subjects you're taking."
"Yeah, yeah, rub it in. The whole world knows how smart you are."
Eddy closed his locker and walked away.
"But, Eddy..."
Ed looked thoughtful. "If only Eddy had a sponge and a shoebox."
"Whatever, Ed."
-
In Eddy's history class, Mr. Green passed back tests while reading off questions his students had trouble with. Eddy noticed that one hand kept going up each time Mr. Green read a question. After the sixth time, he asked for answers from students other than Megan Hildebrandt. Even brainy as she was, she was cute. Unfortunately, she lost any interest in Eddy after he tried to scam her for test answers. She was shared two of his other classes.
Eddy watched Megan jot notes from Mr. Green's test lecture while ideas formed. He decided he'd keep an eye on her, for now.
At lunch, the Eds reconvened at their usual table. Eddy was in a better mood. He was back to laughing and joking between bites of turkey sandwich, until he noticed Nazz approaching from behind Edd. "Hi, Eds."
Edd quickly moved his soup thermos in front of his face, to avoid looking at Nazz. Ed averted his eyes to his latest edition of 'Slug-U-La Magazine,' which was upside down. Eddy swallowed hard. "Uh, hi Nazz."
"My mother forgot I'm on a diet and packed a huge brownie in my lunch. Would any of you like it?" She noticed Edd and sugared her voice. "Double-D?" She giggled as Edd wilted behind his thermos.
"Sure, uh, we'll take it," Eddy squeaked, "I don't see why you want to lose weight, though."
"Kevin said the same thing, but swimsuit figures require effort."
"Forget Kevin."
"When are you guys going to quit being mean to each other?"
"When pigs fly."
"Yeah, Kevin said that, too."
Eddy rolled his eyes. Nazz placed the brownie on the table and bent down to Edd. "You can come out now. I'm leaving. Bye guys."
Edd emerged from behind the thermos, beet red. Eddy roared with laughter. "We have GOT to get you over this girl-thing!"
"No thank you. I-I'm fine."
"Sure, as long as you never talk to one!"
"Please, Eddy! Not so loud!"
Eddy laughed some more and Ed chuckled, too. Then Eddy got an idea to fix his grades, and help Edd with his shyness. "Perrrfect," he said quietly.
-
Eddy knew Megan was a teacher's pet, but she really excelled as a Library Helper. It was Megan's job to arrive early each morning to shelve books. Eddy often saw her coming out of the library while on his way to History. He decided to try something risky.
-
The next morning, Eddy kept particularly friendly with Edd, while going to great lengths to keep him distracted from his watch. He even started asking science and math questions. When the five-minute bell rang, Edd entered panic-mode. He tried to run for class. Eddy kept calling his name, and Edd dutifully turned to him, while still running. Then Eddy saw Megan heading toward the Library doors.
"Eddy, I must go NOW," Edd yelled as he started running down the hall, "Oh no! I'm violating a school rule!"
"DOUBLE-D!"
"Eddy! I'm going to be..."
WHAM!
Edd ran straight into the Library door as Megan pulled a book cart through it. He collapsed into a heap on the floor. "Direct hit." Eddy grinned privately.
"OH," Megan yelped. "Are you okay?!" She tried to bend over to help Edd, but her arms were full of books, and she dropped some on him. "Oh no! I'm so sorry!" In her shock at dropping the books, she dropped a few more and lost the rest while trying to catch the ones she dropped.
Eddy could barely keep from laughing himself silly, as he slipped away.
Edd tried frantically to get away from the deluge of books. "I am so, so, so sorry! Really! Let me help you!" Edd shielded his head with his arm.
"You're not going to drop anything else on me are you?"
"No," Megan peeped. "No, I'm all out of books."
Edd cautiously peeked out from behind his arm, just to be sure. What he saw was an extremely embarrassed, but pretty, strawberry red-headed girl. Spring green eyes glinted at him from above lightly freckled cheeks. "Wow," Edd said before catching himself, "Ehm, I mean, hi."
Megan extended her hand to help him up. "I'm Megan." Edd took her hand.
"I'm Eddward. With two Ds."
"Cute. Are you okay?"
"I'm fine. Wonderful actually."
Megan grinned. "Do you run into doors for fun?"
"No, I was in a hurry. I didn't see you."
"I figured that. You're really okay, though?"
"Yes."
Edd bent over to help Megan with her books. In doing so, he caught sight of a large book titled, 'Insects of North America,' which had a picture of a green Praying Mantis on the cover. "Oh, Dictyoptera mantida. They're fascinating creatures."
Megan beamed, "They are! I'm writing a paper on them for one of my classes."
"How fun! I like Odonata Anisoptera, as well."
"Dragonflies."
"Precisely."
"Such intriguing insects. I'd love to keep talking, but I'm late for class."
"Class! Oh, no! I'm also tardy!"
Edd began to run away.
"Bye," Megan called after him.
Edd stopped and looked at his watch. "Well, another minute couldn't hurt me. Megan?"
"Yes?"
"Care to join me for lunch?"
-
Eddy watched Megan slip, grinning and very late, into class. Mr. Green made a comment, but she ignored it. "Phase One complete," Eddy gloated. "Let's hope Double-D doesn't screw this up."
-
Edd entered the lunchroom promptly at 12:00. He looked around and saw Megan intently thumbing through a book while nibbling on a granola bar. Eddy sneaked up from behind him. "HEY DOUBLE-D!" Edd almost leapt out of his skin.
"Eddy, you know I hate that!"
"Ha! What's for lunch, today, my man?"
"Um, Eddy..."
"Turkey, bacon, and swiss, toasted over whole wheat?"
"No. Eddy?"
"Ham and cheddar on french with dijon?
"No. Eddy?"
"A tough one, huh? Okay, Boston Clam Chowder and Oyster Crackers, right?"
"Minestrone. Listen Eddy..."
"Alright! Let's go!"
"EDDY."
"What?"
"You're on your own for lunch, today."
Eddy feigned surprise. "Ooooh, a private lunch, huh?"
"Yes, Eddy. I need to go."
"Uh-huh. So, who is she?"
"Eddy, please."
"C'mon, 'fess-up, Romeo."
"Megan. May I go, now?"
"Ooooooh, Megan." Eddy, mocking, fluttered his eyelashes.
"Eddy, it's not like that."
"Double-D, what are you doing standing around here?"
"Huh?"
"A dating tip, from me to you, okay? Never keep a lady waiting."
"But Eddy, it's NOT like that!"
Eddy grabbed Edd's shoulders and pointed him toward Megan's table. "Go get her, Double-D."
"Great advice, Dorkanova," Kevin sneered from behind, "You ought to write a love column."
Eddy faced him. "What do you want?"
"Nothing. I just find romance tips interesting; especially from dorks who've never dated."
"Yeah, well I don't see you with any women. If you keep your record clean, you'll qualify for priesthood."
"Sorry, can't go that way. I have to reproduce to keep the dork population in balance."
"That's quite a feat to pull all by yourself, there. But whatever. I'm sure you'll do a whacking good job."
Eddy went back to the Eds' table, where Ed looked most confused.
"Why is Double-D sitting over there?"
"He's taking a breather. Still got that 'Slug-U-La' mag?"
Once Eddy got Ed distracted with the magazine, he watched Edd and crossed his fingers. Edd seemed to be doing well, though Eddy couldn't hear what he and Megan discussed. Whatever it was, they had each other's rapt attention. Eddy would've been extremely disappointed to find out that they were talking about the differences between Mantis religiosa and Tenodera aridifolia sinensis.
Edd had an odd experience. He was very interested in the topic being discussed, but he was even more interested in Megan. Even stranger, he didn't feel the slightest unease. He would've given his entire butterfly collection to know what she was thinking. He decided to get bold. "Megan, when do you have study hall?"
Their study halls were over different periods, so they couldn't get together then. On the upside, they could get together after school, which landed Edd with her phone number. Even though it was for study purposes, he treasured it more than his trusty magnifying glass.
-
"451 - 27..."
"HIYA SOCKHEAD!"
"Eddy please! I'm trying to memorize this!"
"Memorize what? Hey, a phone number! WAY TO GO DOUBLE-D!"
"Please Eddy, it's not like that."
"So, when are you taking her out?"
"Honestly, Eddy. With your listening skills, it's a wonder I tell you anything."
-
Eddy came home quite a bit happier than when he left. Of all of his scams, this may well be his best and that thrilled him. "Delicacy is the key for now," he thought, "and maybe a confidence booster for Double-D."
It turned out Edd didn't need confidence booster. When Eddy tried to call him, he was already gone. This was quite a surprise for Eddy, as he knew Edd kept his home activities rigidly scheduled. Eddy was calling during Edd's usual 'ant-farm-tending-and observation' period.
-
Edd met with Megan at her house and they slipped off to the creek to look for insect egg cases. The ground was thick with multicolored leaves, which crunched under their feet, as they poked along. Occasionally, Edd or Megan would see something and call the other's attention to it. After a while, they heard some leaf rustling other than theirs, and they stopped dead. The rustling continued which wasn't too far away. While they first thought it might be a few squirrels, or raccoons out early, a telltale giggle rang out which froze Edd with intense fear. Kankers headed their way.
"Oh, no," Edd whimpered, "we have to run, runaway-run-run-run-right-now-run-now-run!"
"What for?"
"K-k-k-kan-kerss! Run!"
"Why?"
"Pleeeeease! Before we're seen! Run!"
"What are you talking about? Why?"
Edd started to move away, "I must go now! I must run, now! Run! Run!" Megan, puzzled, looked just in time to see Edd bolt straight into a patch of brambles and tangle his clothes. Inability to escape completed his terror, and Edd lost all composure even before the Kankers were within thirty yards. His thrashing also guaranteed they'd be noticed.
Megan moved closer to Edd as the Kankers approached.
"It's your boyfriend, Marie," announced May. While Marie enjoyed Edd's captive state, she wasn't comfortable with Megan's proximity to him. "Watch out, Marie," Lee egged, "You've got competition!"
Marie looked at Megan suspiciously. "Who are you?"
"Megan Hildebrandt."
Kankers giggled at her name and even more at May's mauling attempts at pronouncing it. "Hi Meg. I'm Marie Kanker. These are my sisters Lee and May. That's my boyfriend, Double-D." Edd moaned with foreboding.
"Boyfriend, huh? No wonder he tried to get away so fast."
Marie looked ominous. "I hope you're not dumb enough to move in on him."
"Of course not. Though, love doesn't usually doesn't drive someone straight into thorny scrub."
The Kankers looked at each other and assembled themselves around Megan.
"It's all in good fun, Missy," Lee syruped. "Perhaps we should share some Kanker love with you."
"Perhaps," Megan looked thoughtfully sly, "Except that your mother's name is Susan, right?"
"Yeah, so?"
"And she likes her job?"
"What's that got to do with anything?"
"She works for my dad."
-
After the Kankers were gone, it took a good fifteen minutes for Megan to free Edd from the brambles. "Hold on, you've still got some prickers in your cap."
"And a few in my shirt," Edd answered. "Masterfully handled, by the way."
Megan blushed a little, "Thanks. I figured they didn't want to bring their mother into it."
Edd giggled. Megan looked around. "It's getting dark. I need to get home. See ya' around?"
"I hope so." Edd smiled.
-
"Double-D! Where were you! I tried to call you all day!"
"Oh, I was at the creek, with Megan. We were..."
Eddy laughed. "Nothing slows you down!"
"Eddy, it's not like that."
"You don't expect me to believe you guys were collecting bugs, do you?"
"Actually, I do."
"Picnic ants by candle light. How romantic. What's next? A hot night of slug migration? C'mon Double-D."
"Eddy, it's not like that."
"Whatever, Casanova!" Eddy laughed some more.
"Double-D's in love," Ed chimed in.
"Oh, I give up. So, do you need any help with your studies?"
"I'll let you know when I do, Double-D. Count on it."
-
Edd wondered why Eddy seemed so enthusiastic about his friendship with Megan. "Surely this couldn't be another scam. Eddy would've given himself away by now." Edd turned into the cafeteria. "And if Eddy is helping me with my girl thing, why hasn't he pushed Nazz into the picture?"
He saw Megan back at the lunch table. Sunlight gleamed through the south windows and lit her fabulous hair. Even tied-back, it looked marvelous. "She was brilliant yesterday. The insects, the creek, the Kankers." Megan waved at him. "Maybe Eddy's right, for once."
Eddy watched Edd join Megan, congratulated himself and plotted his next move. Ed watched Edd and wondered when he was going to come back.
Nazz's usual friends weren't available for lunch, today. Everyone in Kevin's Geology class left on field trip and wouldn't be back until well after lunch. Even Rolf was gone. Nazz searched the lunchroom for familiar faces.
She saw Ed and Eddy at the Eds' table, but Edd was clear across the cafeteria with a girl. "Interesting." Nazz decided to join them.
"No! No-no-no," Eddy jumped. "Nazz! She'll totally blow his cool!" Eddy tried to call her attention to the Eds' table, but she didn't notice him. Eddy then decided to resort to a fast tactic.
During a particularly long session in the Principal's Office, Eddy accidentally discovered that the P.A. system was wired into the phones. It could be dialed just like any of the school's extensions. Sometimes, he'd sneak away during a study hall, disguise his voice, and patch into it. Then he'd deliver his own brand of public service announcements, such as:
'The Best Method for Shaving an Ape'
'The Best Method for Shaving Kevin'
'New and Innovative uses for Duct Tape'
'Barnacles and You'
and 'School Spirit: Why the Peach Creek Cheerleaders should plant trees on the Fifty-Yard-Line.'
Eddy fished through his pockets for unspent milk money, and quickly slipped down the hall toward a bank of payphones. Popping some coins into a slot, he dialed the school's phone number.
"Peach Creek Junior High, may I help you?"
"Ahem, Hello. May I please have extension 5591?"
"Certainly. Please hold." The phone clicked over to the P.A. System.
"Would Nazarine Marie Feltwick please report to Principal Farrell's Office? That's Miss Naz-zar-ine Mar-ie Felt-wick... Report to Principal Antonucci's Office, immediately."
Eddy hung up the phone.
Nazz emerged from the cafeteria, deeply annoyed at being called 'Nazarine' for the entire school to hear. She hated that name.
Crisis abated, Eddy strolled back into the lunchroom. Edd looked up and grinned a quick thanks for the rescue, before returning his attention to Megan.
-
"Thanks for the page, Eddy. I must warn you, sooner or later, Principal Antonucci is going to figure out it you."
"Yeah, yeah," Eddy waved it off and pulled his backpack out of his locker. "So, are you and Megan headed back out for another wild night of bug collecting?"
"No. She asked me if I would like to see 'Nuncio's Favor' with her."
Eddy grimaced. "You're kidding, right?"
Ed groaned, "Girls have the worst taste in movies. 'Dawn of the Vampire Amazons' is so much better."
"I think seeing an independent film could be fun. Besides, I've seen enough B-movie production values to last quite a while."
"Yeah, but an art flick?"
"Guys, there ARE other reasons to see movies beside monsters and gore."
"Not many," Ed groaned.
Eddy winked and nudged Edd, "Unless you're going sans chaperone."
Edd blushed and wilted, "It's not like that, Eddy."
"Surrre it isn't, Double-D," Eddy chuckled.
-
Edd met with Megan promptly at 7:15, outside the Peach Creek Cinematheque. He offered to pay her admission, but she insisted on going dutch since he was still saving for an electron microscope.
They found seats in the back of the theater and giggled at the commercial marquees cyclically projected on the screen. Why someone would want to advertise Viagra at an art-house movie theater was anyone's guess.
'Nuncio's Favor' was an Italian film with subtitles. Once they got used to the titles, they listened for various words to tried to correlate them to the subtitles. After a while, much later than Eddy's patience would've held out, the film got interesting.
In any movie with other than a G-rating, it's obligatory for the plot to contain a love scene. 'Nuncio's Favor' was no exception. Edd and Megan lost themselves in the film by that point and Edd imagined that he and Megan kissed passionately on the screen. Without even thinking about it, he slid his hand over Megan's and clasped it. She didn't pull away.
-
After the movie, Edd and Megan found they had time before her father would be there to pick them up. To kill time and get out of the chilly night air, they slipped into a nearby coffeehouse.
Sipping hot chocolates, they watched the Global News Channel, which played on the television next to a reading nook. Their attention piqued when story on the Coursey-Dunn Comet played. The comet was projected to be at its closest point with Earth, that Saturday night.
"That's going to be amazing," Megan sighed, "I'd love to take a picture of it."
"Bad camera?"
"Oh no, my dad has a great camera. We've used it for timed star exposures and stuff. I don't have a good telescope to use it with, though."
"I do! It should bring in Coursey-Dunn magnificently!
"Fantastic! We can set it up on our roof!"
Edd smiled along with her excitement.
-
"So how was that 'Nancy-o's Thing,' or whatever?"
"Grand, Eddy. I quite enjoyed myself."
Eddy closed his locker. "I'll bet. You're floating a good foot off the ground. Is that all you did?"
Edd rolled his eyes. "Yes, Eddy."
"And do Tristan and Isolde have plans for the weekend?"
"Eddy, please."
"Alright-alright," he chuckled.
"We are doing something, but it's hardly opera material."
"Do tell."
"Megan and I are setting up a telescope to photograph the Coursey-Dunn Comet."
"You sure know how to party, Double-D."
"So, what are you doing?"
"MONSTER MOVIE MARATHON," Ed cut in.
"At my house this time," Eddy added, "No Sarah."
"Rolf will be relieved," Edd giggled. "Of course, you know that makes you the host, Eddy."
"Shhh! Not in front of Captain Eyebrow!"
"SNACK!"
Edd giggled some more.
-
End of Part One.