This story is a sequel to "Get Hurt" so please read that one first. :) It will be dealing with the aftermath of violence and rape, with references to self harm, so please be aware of that, if these things trigger you. Amanda is very damaged and fragile after what happened in the previous story, so things will be dark again, but I'm going to try to add some lighter scenes as well. This will also deal with Amanda and Olivia's budding relationship, so there will be some sexual content. Just a reminder that this takes place in season 17, but Dodds, Noah, and Jesse don't exist in this universe.
xxxxxxxxxx
"Undo this storm
Undo this storm
Undo this storm and wait
I'll be the calm
I will be quiet
Stripped to the bone, I wait."
xxxxxxxxxx
Olivia knows she is dreaming; is aware that she is trapped in that murky, grey area between sleep and wakefulness, but can't seem to pull herself out and is unable to open her eyes to reality. She struggles to make it stop; the images, the screaming, the blood, but the scene continues to play out before her and she is helpless.
She is in the coffee shop with Amanda and Eric, standing in the corner, watching in terror with her feet frozen to the floor. Amanda is lying naked on the ground, her clothing scattered around her, the man on top of her as her colleague cries out in pain and pleads for help while he pushes into her. The part of Olivia that knows this isn't real, that it didn't actually happen this way, is overtaken by the part of her that just stands there, not moving but just observing, her eyes brimming with unshed tears.
Amanda is moaning and calling her name over and over again, and Olivia desperately tries to make a move, any move at all, but still she is frozen, watching as Eric presses the gun to the blonde detective's head. Her mouth is moving in a soundless scream and there is nothing she can do when he pulls the trigger, when Amanda goes still, when the blood of her friend spatters onto her face and rains steadily down her cheeks like crimson tears.
"Amanda," she whispers, her heart broken and a pain flooding through her that she has never felt before, the dripping blood more insistent and coming from above now, Olivia's brow wrinkling in confusion.
She raises her head to look up and is overcome with an immediate relief. She is in her own bedroom, tucked safely into bed, the ceiling above her leaking water onto her head, like it usually does when it rains. She watches the liquid splash down, clear in color instead of blood red, and she sighs, feeling her rapid heart rate begin to slow down.
"Liv?" a soft voice beside her says, and Olivia rolls over in the bed to see Amanda curled up next to her in the shadowy morning light, blue eyes fixed on her in concern and brow furrowed slightly. "Are you okay? You just said my name. What were you dreaming about?"
Olivia doesn't answer for a moment, just staring back at her colleague and taking solace in the fact that Amanda is here beside her in the bed, safe and sound, the injuries from Eric completely healed and her face no longer baring the deep black and blue marks from her brutal assault. She feels spiky warm fur against one of her bare feet and knows Frannie is sprawled at the end of the bed, can hear her breathing deeply.
The wave of intense relief continues to flood through her and she smiles at Amanda, who smiles hesitantly back, one of her eyebrows raised slightly in question.
"I'm okay," Olivia replies, the dream world evaporating entirely now, and she is aware of the rain pattering against the windows, her stomach growling with hunger, the fact that they need to get up and start getting ready for work; and mundane reality has never felt so good. "Just a nightmare, but I can barely even remember it now."
"Okay," Amanda murmurs, sounding as if she doesn't quite believe her, but not pressing any further.
It has been six weeks since the incident at the coffee shop with Eric, since the day Olivia and Amanda had almost lost their lives, and Amanda and Frannie are still living here, having settled in so comfortably to life at Olivia's, it is odd to think that they haven't always been here, that she hasn't always shared a bed with this woman, hasn't always had a dog who greets her everyday after work as if she has been gone for years instead of hours. After all the upheaval of Amanda's transition here after being released from the hospital, it is now normal and seamless, just a part of everyday life, and strangely, it very rarely comes up in conversation, the fact that Amanda has never left.
When Olivia had said that Amanda was welcome to stay for as long as she liked, the other woman seemed to have taken that in the most literal sense possible, and she is still here all these weeks later. For someone who is so independent, who had chafed at being taken care of and being unable to do things for herself, for someone who had caused such an uproar in her rage of not being able to return home after the assault by Eric, she is now firmly ensconced in Olivia's apartment and daily life and it doesn't look like she will be leaving anytime soon.
Amanda had been cleared by her doctor to be on her own again several days after the hostage situation at the coffee shop, but has only returned to her apartment to pick up her mail and water the plants and bring more clothing and other items over to Olivia's. She had not asked Olivia if it was okay to stay longer than was medically necessary and Olivia had never said anything to the contrary, to make her feel that she was unwelcome here when her injuries had begun to heal and everyday tasks were once again able to be done with ease.
The night of the hostage taking, when they had been alone in Olivia's home afterwards, just the two of them and Frannie, they had shared her bed, both shaken to the bone and in desperate need of comfort, unable to retire to their separate bedrooms. They had huddled in each other's arms that night, embracing and crying, until they had both drifted off into a fitful sleep, haunted by nightmares of what could have been; and that was the way things had remained.
It has not gone beyond that point, their relationship very domestic but entirely platonic thus far, and neither one has made a move to take things any further. The brief kiss they had shared several weeks ago has never been spoken of again. Fin and Carisi are the only people who are aware of their current living situation and Olivia intends to keep it that way, at least for the time being. She knows there are all kinds of rules being broken, sharing a home and a bed with her subordinate, but she has remained silent on the subject and so has Amanda. For two people who could barely get through a work day without being at each other's throats, she and the detective now live and eat and work together with relative ease as if it has always been done this way, the situation with Eric having induced irrevocable change within their previously contentious relationship.
This isn't to say that there haven't been problems; certain issues that have cropped up in the aftermath. Olivia and Amanda had argued about Amanda's need to go to therapy, to speak with a professional about everything that has happened, about the reason why things had happened in the first place, but Amanda has been adamant on the fact that although it is something she will pursue in the future, she is just not ready to go down that road yet. After dancing around the subject for awhile and not getting anywhere, Olivia had backed off, trying to respect the other woman's need for privacy, to let her do things at her own pace and try not to control Amanda's life.
She knows the other woman still suffers from frequent nightmares, although that is not a subject that is brought up often either. She has awoken several times in the middle of the night to the smaller woman's intense sobbing, her pleas not to be hurt, and she never knows which way the situation is going to go. Sometimes Amanda is hungry for comfort, clinging desperately to her and not letting go until morning, and other times she is remote and unreachable, crying out in fear if Olivia even attempts to touch her. During the day, the small detective carries on with her routine as usual and doesn't seem amendable to discussing her night terrors, so Olivia has also tried to back off in that respect. It is hard to watch things unfold right in front of her while still feeling at a distance, but she is learning how to do things differently and is trying very hard to let Amanda call the shots.
Amanda is now back at work full time, having just recently started taking baby steps out into the field again. After being off work for three weeks, she had been driving them all crazy with her boredom and complaining and her need to get back into the action, and had returned to the precinct even though her doctor had suggested taking another week off. She had started out on very light desk duty and had slowly progressed from there, having gone through rigorous testing to make sure the symptoms of her concussion had subsided and the vision in her injured eyes had been restored to normal, before being able to have access to her gun again.
Amanda had been unable to return to her usual gambling addiction support group, had not even been able to set a foot in the door because that was where she had met Eric, but has found another group close to Olivia's place and goes there once a week for meetings. Her alcohol intake had been a bit out of control in the weeks leading up to the final showdown with Eric, but as far as Olivia knows, she has not been to any bars since she has been staying with her and has not even had a single drink.
Eric is still languishing in prison, and there have been preparations for an upcoming trial. Amanda never speaks of him or asks any questions unless she has to deal with her lawyer, but Olivia has been secretly keeping tabs on him and knows he won't be winning rewards for good behavior anytime soon. He has been violent and aggressive with the other inmates and had spent the first week in prison in withdrawal from the drugs had been taking regularly before his arrest. New charges have since been added to the already extensive list, after he had assaulted both a prison guard and a fellow inmate in the same day. She is sure that more charges will be filed in due course, since he seems unwilling or unable to control his violent outbursts.
"Liv, are you ever going to get this leak fixed?" Amanda asks with a sigh, and Olivia looks over to see the other woman staring up at the ceiling with a frown on her face. "This is getting ridiculous. It's worse now than it was when I first got here. Look how much water damage there is now." She wipes a drop of moisture off her face and points upwards and Olivia can see how badly it has been neglected.
She moves closer to the smaller woman in the bed, a sudden impish feeling overtaking her. "Why don't you get it fixed?"
"Me?" Amanda looks at her in confusion, her frown deepening. "Why would I get it fixed? This isn't my apartment, I don't live here."
Olivia raises her eyebrows. "Don't you?" She lets the question hang there for a moment, staring at the blonde woman, and Amanda stares right back at her before pulling the covers over her head.
Olivia bursts out laughing, the noise alerting Frannie who suddenly pokes her head up from her spot at the bottom of the bed. "You know for such a badass detective, you have quite the immature streak," she teases, poking the other woman gently in the side. "You can be such a big baby sometimes."
There is complete silence for a moment before Amanda throws back the covers and a pillow comes sailing though the air, slamming directly into her face.
"Thank you for proving my point," Olivia says, still laughing and throwing the pillow back at her.
This is all it takes to get Frannie going, and the dog is now leaping all over the bed in an excited frenzy, barking loudly and her tail whipping Olivia sharply across the cheek.
"Oh, Amanda, look what you started," she groans, trying to gently nudge Frannie off the bed and onto the floor.
"You started it." Amanda's voice is muffled, having thrown the blankets over her head once again.
"So utterly immature," Olivia sighs, rolling her eyes and poking her in the side once more.
Amanda's head peers out from beneath the covers, blonde hair wild, and the smaller woman sticks her tongue out at her.
Olivia gives another laugh. "You just keep proving my point over and over again, sweetheart."
They spend a few more minutes in bed, tossing the pillows around and playfully arguing, and Olivia notices that Amanda doesn't actually address the situation of she and the dog still living here, but she decides to ignore it. Frannie's behavior is becoming more frenzied and out of control, and finally they have to stop horsing around and get up before there is a complaint from a neighbor. Amanda feeds and walks the dog quickly while Olivia showers, and then gets ready herself before they drive to the precinct together.
Because Amanda arrives at the station with Olivia now, she has not shown up late even once since returning to work, and Fin and Carisi have taken it upon themselves to react with mock surprise every time Amanda walks in the door on time. Amanda has been a good sport about it, rolling her eyes and shooting right back at them with her snarky comments, but Olivia wonders if she is actually bothered by this. She is the only one who knows the real reason why Amanda had continually shown up late to work previously, having been so worn out from the constant nightmares and trying to keep herself awake that it had made her physically ill.
Today is Friday and there has been talk all week of the four of them going out that night to celebrate Amanda's return to work. So far the smaller woman hadn't committed one way or the other, but now Olivia listens as her three squad mates make plans for the evening to meet up at one of the local bars and have some food and a few drinks. She feels a little uneasy about this and would prefer to just have everyone over to her place for a barbecue instead of going to a bar, but Amanda now seems to be looking forward to it so she finds herself agreeing.
xxxxxxxxxx
It is mid evening when Olivia and Amanda arrive at the bar, Fin and Carisi already in a booth near the back, drinking from bottles of beer, and they are greeted with big smiles as Amanda slides into the booth next to Fin and Olivia takes a seat on the other side with Carisi.
They order food and drinks from the waitress and Olivia watches the smaller woman across the table as she chats and laughs easily with the guys. Amanda seemed to have taken great pains getting ready that evening, spending so long in the bathroom showering, putting on makeup and doing her hair, that Olivia hardly had any time to get ready herself. She has to admit that the smaller woman looks beautiful, her long blonde hair hanging in a glossy curtain down her back and the tight blue dress she is wearing hugging her curves in all the right places and bringing out the gorgeous color of her eyes. She seems more confident, more content than she has in awhile, and Olivia is glad, watching her giggle and roll her eyes when Carisi tells a particularly vulgar joke.
Amanda's eyes meet her own across the table and the smaller woman arches a brow, the corner of her lip lifting up in a slight smirk, and Olivia realizes she has been staring at her for quite some time. She looks away, trying to ignore the blush climbing up her cheeks, and when she glances back Amanda is still looking at her, that smile more broad now and her blue eyes dancing with mischief. Olivia smiles back, her heart rate picking up a bit, and takes a hasty swig from her bottle of beer, relieved when they are interrupted by the waitress baring a large tray heaped high with food.
That same uneasy feeling overcomes her again when she notices how quickly Amanda is downing the beer, like she seems in a hurry to get as drunk as possible, but she tries to ignore it, reminding herself that the detective is an adult, and Amanda more than any of them deserves a night to kick back and unwind and have a little fun.
Olivia feels herself loosening up as it gets later into the evening, having imbibed in more than a few drinks herself and the alcohol settling nicely into her system, the four of them having traded the bottles of beer for the giant pitchers that seem to arrive regularly at the table. She can tell she is not quite as drunk as the other three, especially Amanda, but she is feeling more carefree and slightly giddy, glad that they are enjoying a fun evening out together after all of the trauma and darkness of the last several weeks.
Fin and Carisi are trying to one-up each other with the most ridiculous stories of the different criminals they have dealt with and the crazy situations they have found themselves in over the course of their careers, and the tales are so over the top that Olivia can't stop the continuous laughter that is bubbling out of her. Amanda is laughing so hysterically on the other side of the table that she reaches up to wipe away tears, and Olivia catches her eye again and grins at her.
Amanda grins right back and they hold each other's gazes for a long moment, the raucous noise of the bar dimming in Olivia's hearing and Fin and Carisi's voices becoming muddled as she concentrates on the woman in front of her, Amanda's cheeks pink from laughter and alcohol and the warmth of the room. She looks healthy and happy and Olivia has a sudden flashback to the night the smaller woman had shown up at her building, beaten and incoherent, and the difference between then and now is stunning.
Her thoughts remain there for a minute, that awful night in the hospital with the blonde detective and the morning in the coffee shop a few days later, Amanda's grin fading slightly as they continue to regard each other, and Olivia can see concern in her hazy blue gaze. She shakes her head and runs a hand through her thick brown hair, not wanting to go down that road right now, and gives the other woman a reassuring look. Amanda's smile is back in place and her hand brushes against Olivia's when they both reach for a nacho at the same time.
The story competition is still raging between Fin and Carisi, and Fin is telling a particularly outlandish tale of an arrest he had made before coming to the Special Victims Unit, when Olivia feels a foot nudging hers underneath the table. She looks over at Amanda but the blonde woman is completely ignoring her now, her attention focused entirely on Fin, and Olivia shakes her head with a smile. She nudges her back with her own foot, feeling light and silly, and sees the corner of Amanda's lip curl up slightly. They remain there with their feet pressed together beneath the table until Carisi suddenly announces that he needs to throw up, and they decide to call it a night.
The four of them stand outside together on the rain drenched sidewalk, waiting for cabs, and Carisi excuses himself to vomit into a nearby trashcan.
"Wow, that's classy, Carisi. You know the bar has a bathroom, right?" Amanda snickers and then suddenly stumbles over her own feet, Olivia reaching for her to hold her up.
"Now who's the classy one?" she murmurs into the smaller woman's ear and Amanda gives a drunken laugh, holding onto Olivia tightly, seemingly very unsteady on her feet.
"Wow, these two can't hold their liquor," Finn chuckles, throwing an arm around Carisi as he rejoins them, looking pale and sweaty. "You alright there, buddy? You gonna get home okay? Or do you wanna crash at my place tonight?"
"Oooh, Fin wants to have a sleepover," Amanda giggles. "Carisi, you might get lucky tonight, man."
"Shut up, Amanda," Fin mutters, amid everyone's laughter.
"Hey, it's nothing to be ashamed of," Amanda says, slurring slightly and her grip around Olivia's waist tightening. "Liv and I are having a sleepover tonight too."
"Isn't every night a sleepover for the two of you?" Fin murmurs to Olivia, and she fixes him with a withering look, feeling a blush creeping into her face again.
"Okay, now you're the one who needs to shut up, Fin."
He smirks at her, giving her a knowing look, and she turns away with Amanda still hanging off of her, hoping to see a cab coming down the road and glad they are only a few blocks from home.
When they are in their respective cabs, Olivia and Amanda heading in one direction while Fin and Carisi head in the other, Olivia leans back against the seat and sighs, closing her eyes. "Well, that was a fun night, but I'll be glad to get back home."
"Yeah, me too," Amanda replies, snuggled up closer to Olivia than is necessary in the roomy backseat. "I'll be really glad to get home."
Olivia feels a small hand on her thigh and opens her eyes, looking over at the other woman with one eyebrow slightly raised. Amanda is gazing back at her innocently, looking angelic in the moonlight, blonde hair gleaming, big blue eyes wide open and fixed intently on her, pink lips curled up into a small smile.
"You're so pretty, Livvy," the smaller woman says, her fingers dancing suggestively against her thigh.
"And you're so drunk, Mandy," Olivia teases, feeling a tendril of heat curl through her. She shifts farther away from her on the seat, feeling the sudden need for space, but Amanda follows her, pressing herself more firmly into her side.
"Amanda," she murmurs, a note of warning in her voice, and the other woman lays her head on her shoulder, wrapping an arm around her waist, either choosing to ignore Olivia's tone of voice or too drunk to pick up on it. "Slow down there, honey."
"Hey, don't stop on my account," a deep male voice says, and Olivia raises her gaze to the mirror, the cab driver's dark eyes looking back at her. "I'll charge you less if you two wanna get busy back there."
"Oh, jesus," Olivia mutters in disgust, relieved that they are pulling up to her apartment building.
"Dude, that's so gross!" Amanda shrieks, laughing loudly. "You know we're cops, right? Can we arrest him for that, Liv?"
"Let's go, Amanda," Olivia says briskly, tossing some money to the cab driver and hauling the other woman onto the sidewalk, feeling like her skin is crawling.
Amanda is leaning heavily against her and giggling uncontrollably as they make their way across the lobby and into the elevator. Olivia is thankful they are alone as the other woman is quite loud and she feels the sudden urge to laugh herself, the silly, joyful, drunken sounds emanating from her colleague becoming quite contagious.
By the time they stumble into her apartment and collapse onto the couch together, Frannie prancing around in front of them, they are unable to get themselves under control, wave after wave of hysterical laughter overtaking them until tears are running down Olivia's cheeks and she feels like she might be sick if doesn't calm down. The alcohol and the general mood of the evening is infectious and she wipes the tears of mirth from her eyes.
Finally they are quiet, trying to catch their breaths, and Olivia looks over at the other woman, frowning slightly when she sees the solemn expression on her face. Amanda has been so ridiculous and happy all evening and the sudden seriousness throws her for a loop, and she lays a concerned hand on her arm.
"What's wrong?"
"Liv, why are you so good to me?"
"What?" Olivia's frown becomes deeper. "What do you mean?"
"You let me and Frannie stay here for so long and you take such good care of us." Amanda is looking at her in the dim lamplight, her blue eyes glittering and squinting a little as if it is hard for her to focus. "Why?"
"I like having you both here," Olivia murmurs, brushing a hand through the smaller woman's hair. She knows she has had a bit too much to drink, the alcohol making her feel bolder, and feels the need to be completely honest as she stares into the other woman's eyes. "I don't want you to leave."
Amanda smiles at her, reaching out a hand to gently stroke Olivia's cheek. "I don't want us to leave either," she murmurs. "I like living here with you. I feel safe with you. And I want to say thank you."
Olivia's heart rate picks up as she watches the blonde detective get up from the couch and climb onto her lap to straddle her, short blue dress hiked up around her thighs and her arms looped around her neck. She wraps her arms around Amanda's back and they sit there for a moment, looking at each other silently, before the smaller woman lowers her head and meets Olivia's lips with her own.
Olivia's heart is pounding now and Amanda feels so good in her embrace, so warm and soft, and she deepens the kiss, pulling the smaller woman closer to her. Amanda hums into her mouth and Olivia can feel her hands gliding through her hair, and then the blonde detective shifts slightly, pressing a knee between her legs.
Arousal floods through her and she pulls away, breathless, starting to feel out of control again but in a different way now, and she knows they need to slow down. She grasps the smaller woman's face gently, pulling her away so she can get a better look at her.
"Amanda, we've both had a lot to drink, you especially. Maybe this isn't such a good idea."
"Please, Liv, I need you," Amanda says softly, her lips quirked up into a suggestive grin, pressing her knee more firmly against her.
The alcohol is making Olivia's head spin slightly and she is suddenly so turned on, she is finding it hard to resist the other woman's advances. But Amanda is so drunk, she doesn't feel right about the situation and she tries to pull away further, the other woman's arms locked around the back of her neck now.
"Honey, I think we need to slow down," she replies, smoothing her hands over Amanda's hair and down over her shoulders.
"Oh, come on, Liv," Amanda pouts. "Don't be such a tease. What can I do to change your mind?" Olivia feels the smaller woman lean down closer to her, plump lips right against her ear.
"You can hurt me if you want," Amanda whispers.
Olivia freezes, her stomach dropping sharply, and she grasps the smaller woman around her upper arms, harder than she means to, and moves her off of her lap, plunking her down onto the couch beside her. "Amanda, you've had too much to drink," she states, her voice flat. "It's time to call it a night."
The smaller detective is laughing again but it sounds hollow now, devoid of the joy and silliness from earlier. "I just meant that you can knock me around a little if you want, get a little rough. It's not a big deal, Liv."
"I know what you mean, Amanda." Olivia is sitting there rigidly, staring straight ahead, her thoughts whirling, and she watches as the other woman gets unsteadily to her feet.
"Geez, sorry," Amanda mutters. "I'm just trying to liven things up a little. I thought it would be okay."
"What on earth would make think that it would be okay?" Olivia's voice is stern and she is on her feet now too, staring hard at Amanda. "Why would you think that I would want to hurt you?"
Amanda is staring back at her now, looking uncertain, and Olivia sees the shame wash over her expression. She softens her tone, feeling contrite, and takes a step toward her. "Honey, this isn't okay."
The smaller woman steps back, her eyes shimmering with tears as she looks at Olivia. "You think I'm disgusting because of the things I've done. You think I'm a whore. That's why you don't want me."
"Amanda, no," Olivia says softly, taking another step toward her and holding out her hands. "Honey, we've both had a lot to drink and I think we just need to go to bed and talk about it in the morning."
"You think I'm ugly," Amanda continues as if Olivia hasn't even spoken. "The things that the man...Eric...did to me, made me ugly."
The blonde detective looks small and fragile, standing there trembling in her short blue dress, tears beginning to slip down her cheeks, and Olivia's heart aches.
"You're not ugly, you're beautiful," she replies gently, her words completely honest. Even with the tears and makeup streaking her face, her blonde hair mussed and her cheeks flushed from alcohol and emotion, the other woman is gorgeous.
"No, I know I'm ugly," Amanda whispers. "I'm ugly inside and out." She turns around and pads into the bathroom, closing the door quietly behind her.
A tear spills down Olivia's cheek and she sighs, sitting back down on the couch with Frannie's head in her lap. She can hear the smaller woman's soft sobs from the other room and she covers her face with her hands, wondering why everything always seems to go wrong.
xxxxxxxxxx
*Song lyrics are from Of Monsters and Men "Thousand Eyes"