Alexandra Udinov walked over to Sean Pierce, nerves and other sorts of pent up energy pulsing inside of her, trying to break free, trying to break her. She sat down beside him, watching him with blue eyes that were full of pain and confusion and hopelessness. She couldn't believe that any of the events tonight had happened, couldn't believe the things that she'd done. Couldn't understand what had possessed her, what had screwed with her head enough to shoot Ryan, to create an uprising with the power of killing all of them, including her and Sean. Her heart had ached ever since losing Larisa when she'd been captured and then after her fight with Nikita, yet tonight it was something entirely different. She'd always thought that the worst thing in the world was losing someone you loved, but tonight she'd learned that the worst thing in the world, the most unimaginable thing was losing yourself. "I need to talk to you, Sean," she said, looking for a light in his kind eyes, a sense of forgiveness or understanding. When he nodded, giving her a look full of love that she had a hard time believing was real, she continued on to say, "About Ryan." Ryan was one of her biggest regrets, a level that she couldn't believe she'd stooped to.
Sean Pierce cut her off before she could say anything else. "You shot him," he told her, absolute certainty in his words and yet no condemnation in his eyes. Instead he looked at her with a tenderness she knew she didn't deserve. Again and again she'd failed, failed in saving Larisa, failed in saving those girls…she couldn't save anyone. It made no sense for him to sit there calmly with her and watch her with concern, not when he should be yelling and walking away, when he should've been bailing, much like she always had. Much like she always did.
"How did you know?" Alex asked, her voice breaking. She'd told herself that she wouldn't cry, that she wouldn't break, but it was becoming more and more difficult. Sean was here, and they were alive—and he didn't look at her with hatred. All she wanted was to take refuge in his arms, in his lips, and forget that tonight had ever happened. She couldn't hide the relief in her voice, relief that someone understood, that someone knew that this had all started with the best intentions, that somewhere along the way that she'd lost herself.
He watched her, watched the way her limbs trembled and tears threatened to run free from her beautiful blue eyes, eyes full of pain and confusion, he felt something inside of him break, some monster raging to get free. If he'd ever had any doubt of his love for her before, there was none now, not when she looked to him for help. Even with tears on her cheeks, she was beautiful. He was fairly certain that she had never been more beautiful, even with red eyes and hair in a knotted mess. All that mattered was that Alex had finally given herself to him, fully and completely, and that was a look on her that he hadn't seen. The princess was always so strong and so certain, so invincible. The Seal and the Princess, he thought and would've smiled if the conversation hadn't been so grim. "When I saw your face," he started, his voice breaking a bit, "I became certain that you were not the Alex I know." Sean remembered that, remembered the desperation on her face that said that she was out of control.
"I didn't mean to shoot him," Alex told him, tears finally falling free. Her voice was pleading; she begged him to understand her. "I didn't mean to—I didn't mean for any of this to happen. Please, Sean, you have to believe me," she continued, her voice losing volume with every word. "The whole thing that mattered… The thing that mattered the most-"
Sean cut her off, resting his palm on her cheek, gently wiping her tears away with his thumb. "Was saving everyone. I know," he told her softly, his eyes warm and kind in a way that they had never turned before, not for anyone. He had loved his mother more than anyone, but she was gone now. Alex wasn't. She was damaged and broken and all of that was scary as hell, but she was here, and he loved her. And that was all that mattered.
Her voice grew stronger now and she took his hand in hers, holding it tightly, as if it alone were her only lifeline in the world. "No," she argued, "you don't know. I couldn't save my father," on 'father' her voice faltered, trembling. Alexandra took a deep breath, more tears falling. "I couldn't save Larissa and I couldn't save those girls that I left behind in the brothel," she continued, yelling now, feeling her emotions flailing wildly out of control. Sean was her only anchor now—she'd lost Nikita and Michael and even Birkhoff—and without him she would lose control. She would let go. After all, what was the point?
Alex's words made his blood run cold. I couldn't save my father. I couldn't save Larissa and I couldn't save those girls that I left behind in the brothel. That was what all of this had been about. It wasn't that she'd wanted a mutiny—she'd just been trying to save Division's agents, agents she deemed innocent, much like Larissa and those girls had been. All she'd wanted was to save her father and the rest of them, and to do that she'd sacrificed her own ability to save herself. With her near Sean decided that if she couldn't save herself, then he would save her. He was a seal, after all. "Stop," Sean directed her, needing to snap her out of this. Needing to do anything. "What's done is done. And I…I just want my girl back." His voice broke a little there because his words were true, so true that it hurt. He just wanted all of this to be over, just wanted to have his Alex back and take her away from all of this.
She blinked a few times, feeling her widespread set of emotions shifting. His hand felt warm on her skin, and if she could just concentrate on that, then maybe she would make it. "Now, help me to medical," He instructed, laughing softly. He started to stand up and then fell back, but Alex caught him, supporting him.
They walked side by side, and Alex tried to calm herself as they appraised the rubble. "If anything good came out of this, it's that I can finally use the big screen to watch Monday night football," he informed the empty room, laughing softly. She forced a smile at that, a smile that Sean knew was fake but had to accept nonetheless.
After a few more steps he fell again, his arm wrapped around his torso, and it was all Alex could do to slowly lower him to the floor. "Sean! Sean!" She yelled, immediately kneeling beside him. His breaths came with difficultly, and she felt his body for injury, feeling her blood run cold when she saw the bullet wound. "You got shot!" She cried, even more distraught when she found no exit wound. She cried out for help, screaming as loud as she could. She knew that there was no point because no one was here, but she did anyway, silently begging God or whoever to give them someone, anyone, who could help. "I can't find an exit wound! Where's the blood?" She asked, every nerve in her body fried.
Hands kept feeling his skin, looking for blood, looking for a bullet, but there was nothing. Sean looked over at her, obviously in pain, and exhaled, his words all coming out with one gust. "I've seen this before. It has to be internal bleeding. Bullet gets nicks a major artery and there's nothing you can do. She cried out again, to him, to no one, only distracted when Sean called her name, gripping her arms with his weak hands. "Alex, promise me," He began, having to take another breath before continuing, "Promise me. Promise me you'll find a way to get better," he continued on, silently adding because I can't help you get better now. There was an ache in his heart, an ache so big that the pain from his wound had nothing on it.
"No—don't worry about that now!" She shouted, and screamed for help again, her throat raw and sore. Alex stood up, looking around and desperately hoping that someone would magically appear to save him. "Someone please help us!"
Alex only returned to him when he called out for her again, kneeling by his side. "Alex, Alex." His voice was weak, a whisper. "Promise me," he told her, all of his fear in his face and love in his eyes.
"I promise," she said, and without realizing it she'd begun crying again.
His eyes drifted to a close and she grasped the collar of his shirt with her hands, shaking him. "Sean! Look, you were wrong before. When you said that the thing that matters to me the most was saving everyone, you were wrong. The thing that matters to me the most is you!" Alex gasped out and Sean's hand caressed her face one last time before falling limp, every breath coming slower and slower.
"Hey," he laughed, smiling. "This is where we met."
She tried to laugh, but it was weak and came out sounding more like a sob.
Sean's hand fell to the floor and his head involuntarily turning to the side, his last breath coming out in a sharp gust before exiting his body. "Hey!" Alex repeated, trembling, before leaning down to press a kiss against his lips, her tears staining his face. She held her lips there, instinctually waiting for his to respond, but they didn't. She searched his face for something, anything, anything…alive. Again, she found nothing but of a shell of what had been her Sean, her life.
Pain began to spread in every part of her body, in every limb and every vein, the kind of pain that could knock you breathless. At first all she did was breathe in and out gasping breaths, adrenaline catching as she searched his face again, waiting for him to crack a smile or laugh at her for being so stupid. But when he didn't, sobs escaped her lips, loud and powerful. She couldn't help but scream out, scream out all of the rage inside of her, all of the agony—she didn't expect anyone to hear. It wasn't pain for anything in particular, it wasn't the kind of pain she could distinguish. But it hurt, oh god it hurt. Her heart shattered. Her world shattered. She stayed there with him for a long time, that was the only detail she could ask of her scattered mind. It could have been hours or days, months or years; she didn't know. All she knew was that the pain never subsided, never let up. She laid on his chest, silently murmuring to him, "I love you, I love you." All of this time that they'd been together, she'd never told him. She'd known that he'd known, and it was easier that way. It was far too scary and painful to voice those feelings out loud. Commitment. I had intimacy issues. Do you know how stupid that sounds now? Alex thought to no one in particular, trying to understand what had caused her to be so stupid.
After she'd finally left his body and stood in a small cramped bathroom, trying to clear her face of the tears and saw the small butterfly tattoo on the back of her neck, her only conscious thought before breaking down again was that she'd never told him. Over and over again he'd asked her what it meant, and she had never had the guts to tell him. She'd thought that it was easier that way, keeping her heart under lock and key, never letting anyone in on her feelings. It was ironic, especially because after she'd returned from the warehouse, she'd kept claiming that she'd wanted to be heard. Right now, that was all she wanted. She wanted to be heard, and she wanted him to hear her. Without him, she was silently broken, and that was possibly the most painful of all. You never really forgot the face of someone who was your last hope, she thought, finally understanding, understanding because he had been her last hope.
And when she broke again, when she gave herself to the dark that threatened to consume her, so, so willingly, she did not resurface.
(R&R! Honestly I never really shipped Salex until Sean died, and that makes me so sad. But I've been going back and now that I finally super ship them (I just liked them together and never really cared that much; Alex was just my fave) he dies. D: SCREW IT NIKITA WRITERS, MY OTP IS ALEXANDRA UDINOV + HAPPINESS! Anyways, thank you for reading. I hope you like it! Please review!)