Coffee. That was her drug of choice. A nice, legal way to make yourself feel a little better. Abby didn't know how she managed to get through the day before she drunk coffee. Although this particular day was nearly finished, she still needed its help.
She flopped onto her battered sofa. Today had been just awful. She'd been puked on, shouted at...if it could've happened, it did. Sometimes she wondered why she kept on in the job, then she thought of all the training and debt she's accumulated over the course of her career, and realized that to stop was not an option. Sometimes she felt really silly for thinking she was capable of being a doctor, though. Like she would never be cut out for something so advanced, needing so much skill. Doctors were people like Carter, who could handle a big emergency and know what do without panicking. Like Kerry, who was so skilled she could handle any crisis that came her way. Abby chuckled at the thought of being in that situation and knowing what to do. The idea of having a crisis to run with no-one to ask for help scared her…she didn't think she could handle that sort of responsibility. Abby looked down at her coffee cup, now empty. She was surprised to see that she'd managed to drink her entire cup of coffee already.
Turning on the TV, she flipped through the channels. She couldn't concentrate, however. Her brain was buzzing with thoughts. Really big thoughts...about her life...the people she'd allowed herself to get close to who had eventually hurt her...Carter, Luka...it all ran along the same tracks. Get close, become vulnerable, and get hurt. So, the sensible option seemed to stay distant, to stay away. And as for her family...well one evening wasn't enough to go through all the problems they'd caused her. Wondering when she'd get a call about her mother, about her brother. A call to say they were missing, or in hospital, or worse... It was so unfair. Why her? Why did it have to be that she was the one who had a weird family to take care of? Why couldn't she have a functional relationship? All she wanted was to be able to stay with someone she cared about…it just didn't seem fair. Suddenly she became aware of her surroundings once more. She often disappeared into her head with her own thoughts. She noticed her hands were tightly curled up into balls, and she had been clenching her teeth.
The more Abby let these thoughts run through her head, the worse she felt. There was only one vice she had that had worked in blanking all these thoughts out. She knew there was a bottle somewhere in this apartment. She never told anyone, but there had to be one in the apartment somewhere, just for her piece of mind...so she knew it was still there if she needed it. It was the only thing that seemed to block things out...the only answer.
Abby knew that Carter had helped her quit the drink. She was really grateful to him for that, although at the time it just seemed he was trying to be pushy and mess with her life when she didn't want him to. She knew that he understood what it was like to be in a situation like that, though. She stood up and walked to her kitchen cupboards almost without thinking about it.
Waking up the next morning, Abby's head was throbbing. She felt so ill. The sunlight came streaming through the window. Abby looked at the clock. 5am. Far too early. She couldn't face the thought of going back to sleep, however...her dreams had been far too haunting that night. Full of people laughing at her failures and her life. At the people who had hurt her. Pulling on a pair of sweatpants and a sweater over her head, she grabbed her keys and walked out the door.