This is the first chapter of my fanfic. It is still rather sad, but it will get better, I promise. I thank Linn for editing this story, for helping me make this perfect (I hope so). There are some spoilers in this story, but anything after 'The Road' is okay.
Enough crap form the author, lets get on with the story.
Disclaimer: I Don't own Cold Case or its characters, I only use them for fun and I sure as hell don't make any profit of it. Unless you count fun as a profit.
Chapter 1 Darkness and a small light
She was alone, alone in the darkness. It wasn't just the darkness of the night or the darkness of her lonely apartment. It was also the darkness that lingered in peoples' hearts. Part of the job, she used to think. Darkness follows you have a rotten childhood and especially when you are also a homicide detective.
A long time ago, when she was still a child desperate for her mother's love, she used to think that someone would come rescue her and everything would be alright. The child hadn't thought about homicide or darkness for that matter, she had hope. Hope, that someday she would be like the rest of the world. She dreamt of a nice, light house, a loving husband and happy children that didn't have to bring their mother alcohol.
Now there was nothing left of that hope. The small light she used to carry when she was young had been snuffed out. She was alone, alone in the darkness. She had tried, God knows he had tried, to live up to that dream. There had been times when she had thought she had thought she had finally found it. It hadn't been the light she had longed for, it had been nothing but a small spark. Not strong enough to break through the darkness and soon it had lost its courage and gave up. After every spark the darkness returned more tangible and she needed more time to adjust her eyes and heart to this new shade of black.
She would never admit it, but she hated the darkness, she hated the darkness, she hated being alone. Usually she tried to forget about her life, by thinking about lives, lives that had ended too soon. She would stay late at work, so she could think about them, at home there was nothing. Nothing to come home for, nothing to take a sick day for and just have fun.
At work, the center of her life, there was no point in denying it anyway, she had her collegues. After all those years, she considered them her best friends. She liked going out with them on 'first thursdays', going to the pub having a drink. All of them were so different from eachother, but together they made the best team in Philly. 'First thursdays' had a special place in her heart. It was the one time they were all together without being at the office. Sure, they talked about the cases, but it was different when you have a desk in front of you.
Some cases tore at her already scarred heart. When the victims were children or when they found out another maniac was walking free. Today had been another example of a case that she couldn't easily let go. It hadn't been the first time someone had tried to break her mind. But, somehow this had been different, she now realized. He had gotten to her. Why had this John Smith found her weak spots so easily? She wouldn't try to say she didn't have any, but she always thought she did cover them up rather well. To the outside world she was the ice queen, while inside her heart was bleeding. Perhaps she should buy a gold weddingband for around her finger, just for the sake of it. She smiled ironically, her collegues would laugh at her. Lilly Rush needed protection from a ring. One would worry, because he has such a tiny heart.
He would wonder why she suddenly needed the protection and safety of such a symbol. He would probably try to talk to her, she would try to explain why, but as always her words wouldn't come out of her mouth. She was scared, scared of telling about her feelings, afraid she would be hurt again. He already made it easy for her to talk, maybe even too easy. She wasn't used to it. All she had to do was say: "hey", and he would be there. She had no doubt about that. He had already proven himself. She didn't know if she could ever thank him enough. He had saved her life, in more than one way. She just lost her mother to the alcohol and the dark side of her was more than ready to give up. That day, when she was shot, she didn't feel the pain, she was calm. She had heard him calling for the paramedics, he seemed like he was in panic. She, on the other hand, felt like she was floating, she felt safe. Safer then she had ever felt before, yet she didn't know why. Sometimes she thought she saw something shine in the ever black darkness. Well, she had been nearly dead, so light wasn't the strangest thing to see.
She had woken up in a hospital bed a few days later. She wasn't floating anymore, the pain in her chest was very real. When she looked around more closely, she noticed she wasn't the only one in the room. He was sitting next to her bed, seemingly asleep, holding her hand. She was glad he was there when she awoke. It had been cliché, him sitting there, a bit like in the old movies she liked to watch secretly. His shirt was impossibly wrinkled, his hair was a mess and a dark shadow could be seen on his jaw. He was asleep, restlessly. He looked like shit, but it didn't matter. The next time she had woken up, he had been gone. She never told him, that she knew he was there, holding her hand. For her it was okay, she knew he was there.
Suddenly, she realized he had always been there when she needed him. She remembered the day she met Joseph and she had taken a sick day to investigate. That same evening he had been on her doorstep, annoyed that she didn't answer her phone. She didn't have to be a detective to know that he had been worried. So she told him of her feelings, her feelings for Joseph. He had listened calmly, but still she had seen that muscle clench in his jaw. It was the only thing that betrayed his emotions. She had thought it was cute, but everything about him was cute. The female part of the world knows that.
He had been less cute though, when he had slept with her sister, Christina. She had been so angry at him and a tiny part of her soul had been afraid, so afraid of losing him. She couldn't bear it, not after Chris had already stolen her fiancée. Finding out that your sister slept with your soon-to-be-husband meant another scar on her heart, she had been betrayed. Chris and her had shared a past together, she was family. She wanted to be close to her family, because family you can thrust. How wrong she had been. When Chris came back a few years ago, she wanted to thrust again, because she shared her blood. She found out she was on the run, using her as a means to an end.
Discovering Chris didn't only make a mess of her life and had the police on her trail, but also slept with him had been more than she could handle. She could have handled it from everyone, except for him. Not only Chris had betrayed her, he as well. It had taken her a long time to forgive him. She understood why he had done it. He had been a mess after the death of Elissa, the girlfriend who he was determined to share his life with. Her committing suicide had shook his world. He needed someone that was a mess like him and he found Chris. Her sister, she would never forgive. The scars she had caused were too deep. She probably found out what he meant to her and had begun the affair anyway, knowing she was going to hurt people with her actions.
She had forgiven him, although she would never forget. She had forgiven him for he was one of her closest friends. When she alone, like she was alone now in her apartment, she would call him her best friend. To even think about ever voicing her thoughts made her blush. He would pity her, because he was the closest to her. She had never been to his house and it made her feel selfish. He came to her house often, usually unannounced, but she had never taken the trouble to go to him.
He had been there at all the important moments of her life. He had seen her at her worst. And, she realized, hadn't run away. He was still there by her side. All those years she had been alone, alone in the darkness. How wrong she had been, how could she be alone when he was always there, ready to catch her when she fell?
Suddenly her world wasn't so bleak anymore. Far on the horizon was a sparkle and she would make sure that it wasn't going to fade. Her apartment was still dark, but she would turn the lights on, soon. She had lived long enough in the darkness, it was time to move forward even though it took her a baby step at a time. She would make it.
He had once told her in Nashville that all good cops were lone wolves. She had believed him. Now she thought different. He had been wrong, wolves aren't alone, they travel in packs. Like they should be.