A/N: New story! New story! Ain't it amazing just how many stories I come up with, and never finish? I know, I'm so awesome. Hahaha, but seriously, I've had this idea since I originally came up with "Just Difference" and "A Perfect Little Mistake".
The Cloaked Conspiracy – Stan awakes to find himself on a spaceship in the middle of space. Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are Padawan learners assigned to a "field trip" to Tatooine under a Jedi Master. Now Stan must take on the daunting task of not only finding his way back home, but also pretending to be something he's not long enough to get there. South Park/Star Wars! South Park characters as Jedi, Bounty Hunters, Sith, and other things!
Starts seven years after Phantom Menace.
Chapter 1: Trapped in Space! Oh Shit!
"How is he?" one voice inquired as the listener was in too groggy a state to answer or discern himself to the reality around him.
"Fuck how he's doing!" another interrupted moodily, "Where the fuck did he come from? That's my question right now."
"He was very weak when he appeared to us." yet another replied to the first, "Not only was his health in poor condition, but the medic-droid says that he's been talking in his sleep. Dude seems pretty messed up in the head, but I can't read him. It is… frustrating to say the least."
"Aww, is our wittle Kahl not so good a genius like everyone thinks he is?" the second voice, male, sneered in mocking sweetness. That is, right before he yelped in pain. "Ow! Kahl, that shit hurts!"
"Be quiet, Cartman!" the first voice, another male, commanded. "Go on, Kyle."
Kyle, or Kahl, or whatever his name was did as he was requested. "Well, the Master looked pretty unsettled by him. He says that it means something… Maybe… maybe even something dark."
"And again; where the fuck did he come from?" the rude one, Cartman asked again as the groggy patient groaned, allowing those around him to know that he was, in fact, amongst the conscious, if only loosely so.
"Is he awake?" the one, Kyle or Kahl, asked in a single breath as though if he were to speak too long the groggy individual would get up and snap his neck.
"If he is, then he hasn't yet opened his eyes." the calmest one of the trio, the one not yet identified, stated blatantly.
"Maybe he's blind, Ken. He looks blind, poor, and stupid." the rude Cartman snickered, "Just like you used to be."
The one called Ken didn't speak for a moment, seemingly ignoring the Cartman person, until he said, "He's not blind. Even so, blind people open their eyes to the darkness surrounding them. So if you, perhaps, have anything of intelligence to put forth, then you can find me meditating with the Master. See ya later, Kyle."
"See ya later, Kenny." the one called Kyle said as the Ken or Kenny person must have departed with the sound of swooshing automatic doors.
The groggy person gave another groan, this one louder than before as he tried to open his heavily-lidded eyes.
"Are we still going to Tatooine?" the one called Cartman asked with the slightest sneer as the Kyle person scoffed.
"Yes, we are. And don't complain!" Kyle barked scoldingly as the groggy patient began to move his fingers to regain feeling in them, "This is supposed to be a learning experience. We finally get the chance to see beyond the Temple walls."
"Yeah, but Tatooine is nothing but sand!" Cartman whined as the dazed one slowly regained feeling for the soft bed he laid upon.
"I don't care if you don't like it," Kyle breathed harshly, "but I can promise you that if you mess this up for me and Kenny, we will kill you."
"Oh, Kahl, you don't mean that. You're a goody two shoes Je—"
"Uhh," the bleary patient moaned as he rolled onto his side, having felt like his face was in a pillow his head laid atop. He hated that position as it made him feel like he was being smothered.
If only he could open his damn eyes, but they seemed almost glued shut.
"So… who the fuck is he?" Cartman asked as the groggy patient could practically feel someone hovering over him like a large shadow which blocked out the sun.
"We have absolutely no idea." Kyle sighed, "All we know is he is that he's as human we are. He also appears to be around our age. Other than that, he's a mystery. He holds no identification within the databanks. Plus, he has no identifiable marks. No scars, no burns, no anything. The Master looked worried about it when I examined this guy. Said it was either a sign of great living with no harm, or a sign of being an outcast with no one to cause harm to him."
"Is he evil, then?" Cartman's tone didn't seem to care if he were evil or not. It was just a question to the great big shadow hovering over the loosely conscious patient.
"The Master's not sure… We'll have to wait until this guy wakes up." Kyle said, hesitation clear in his voice as the patient gave another groan, trying to let them know that he was in fact awake, but that he felt like he was trapped in quicksand. His body felt heavy, like liquid metal was forming all around him whilst they talked.
Harshly fighting the weight all around him, the patient opened his eyes to the world around him. Slowly his orbs took in the bright light and bubbles passing around him. It took only a moment for the realization to sink in. His head had not been on a pillow. He had not been in a soft bed. He was not in a room. He was in a tank inside a room. Two blurry figures looked up to him, one incredibly close that was blocking most of the room's light, the other further away. However, the other seemed quick to see that he was waking up. This time truly awake.
"Oh, Kah! Your precious patient is waking up." the closest blur, Cartman, sang while tapping the tank. The tapping filled the patient's ears with a rampaging thud like metal being beaten harshly by metal.
"But he's not ready!" Kyle, the second further away blur, shouted frantically.
"Then just give him a dose." Cartman said uncaringly with a dispassionate shrug.
"Are you stupid? Giving him another so soon could kill him!"
"Quit being such a baby. Give it to him." Cartman said, and moved to the side of the tank, allowing the harsh room light to reach the patient. The patient shut his eyes to the over powerful light, flinching away from it while hearing Kyle and Cartman fight over something to do with a dose.
Before the patient could open his eyes again, he could feel a liquid cold creep through his veins as his eyes closed from the sheer force of exhaustion that hit him like a freight train. Before completely losing consciousness, the patient was able to make out something through his eyelashes as his lids closed over his eyes.
The person walked up to the tank, inspecting the patient inside of the container as the person began to lightly thrash about to fight the sleep which was overtaking him. The figure stood out, with vibrant red hair.
"Sleep well, mystery man…" the figure said before turning away, its red hair the last thing the mysterious patient saw.
The patient's eyes snapped open from his dreamless sleep. He shot up, feeling no hindrance other than the pain in his ribs and the shock in his system from such violently hasty movements. Looking around, the invalid's eyes took in the most obvious fact that he was now out of the bubbly tank as he up at the ceiling once pain and exhaustion finally won out. Breathing steadily, the patient slowly sat up in what he hoped was an actual bed this time, and not just another hallucination brought on by tank-ness-fever or something. Looking around, he was glad to see that he was in an average room with no tanks or weird people tapping at him like he was some kinda weirdo fish-person-thing.
Reaching to his pocket for his inhaler, less he have need of it with the last dream of him being a fish in the tank, the invalid was shocked to see that it wasn't there. In fact, his pocket wasn't there! Looking down at his attire, he was sure that his right jeans pocket had held his inhaler where he had put it before leaving home.
And now he saw that his jeans were missing as well. In the place of his normal teenage attire was a set of strange robes that one might have found on the crazy homeless guy within the patient's hometown. Yet, even though they were gray, they were clean.
Good, so he wasn't homeless. That was a relief.
Yet, the question begged as to where he was. This place, while nice in its bareness, certainly wasn't his room or his house. In fact, the patient doubted that any place in town was as clean as the room was at the moment.
Had he been kidnapped? No, he was sure no one would kidnap him. His parents weren't rich, and he wasn't anything special.
With a sudden swooshing sound came a voice.
"I see you're awake," a young voice stated, interrupting the person's thoughts.
Turning around to his other side, the patient's blue eyes took in the angelic sight of a beautiful red-haired woman. She stood with soft features, her green eyes bright with expression as her lips curved into a small smile. Her skin looked soft to the touch as she gently tucked a red curl behind her ear.
Before the patient could say anything, even though his mind drew a blank, this new beauty when on speaking. The invalid stared at her.
"Before you say anything," the girl began, "Can you tell me your name?"
"Stanley, Stanley Marsh… just Stan Marsh," he answered, feeling a strange sense of calm creep slowly over him. He felt as though he could trust this pretty girl, who looked about his age.
"Well, Stan, where are you from?" the redhead girl questioned as Stan's head hurt like a white hot poker tapping against the cloud of cool calmness.
"Where— Where am I?" the boy gasped, even though that was not really what he cared about. He was being treated nice, and it seemed like a hospital or police station somewhere. What he had wanted to really ask was who she was, but with the pain in his throbbing forehead, the words had changed before he had even spoken them.
"Well, currently you're in hyperspace." the girl answered wryly with a smile much the same as her tone, "But to be more specific, you're aboard a private transport ship headed toward Tatooine."
"How— How did I get here?" the newly identified Stan Marsh asked as he ran a hand through his dark hair, hoping the pounding headache would soon settle.
"Tell me, Just Stan Marsh," the girl began, her voice rising above the pleasant drone of before, "How was it that you boarded this ship the moment we entered hyperspace? How long were you hiding on board? Did you use some form of cloaking device? WHO SENT YOU?! ANSWER ME!"
With each question and no pause between them for Stan to answer, the girl grew steadily more agitated as her face flushed red. The woman's gentle green eyes narrowed at Stan like two shards of ceramic jade. On her last question, she yelled in Stan's face while grabbing him by the collar of his clothes and shaking him violently.
"I WASN'T HIDING ANYWHERE," Stan replied hurriedly as he scrambled away from the crazy girl, falling off the edge of the bed. Still, that did not stop him and he stumbled backward even further when the girl stalked his movements by jumping onto the bed.
"How did you get here?" she questioned not too kindly while glaring down at him.
"I DON'T KNOW!" Stan shouted, "I was in the park with some friends at Stark Pond, and we were having a swimming race. Jimmy dunked my head through the lake pump, and all of a sudden I was having dreams about tanks and me being a merman!" he could tell that he was getting really desperate now, because even though the girl appeared to be shorter and more fragile than him, he was still cowering in the corner like some little bitch in fear of her. "Look, I don't know what happened, okay? Just don't kill me."
The girl once again narrowed her eyes, and Stan didn't like the feeling. It felt like she was looking down at him, through him even. Her emerald eyes pierced him as though she secretly held an X-ray to his brain. He hoped she came up with nothing, because he really didn't know what was going on.
Fucking hell, Jimmy, man. When Stan got back, he was gonna beat the shit out of the douchebag.
Stan started clutching at his head, the pounding headache feeling all of a sudden ten times worse with the sensation of a spider walking along his brain. Shaking his head furiously, Stan wished he had some bug spray or a fly swatter to get rid of the feeling. And then, just as quickly as it came, the feeling went away as he thought of removing its discomfort. Opening eyes he didn't remember closing, Stan looked up toward the bed to see the girl with a look of shock and surprise on her face.
The girl narrowed her eyes once more from their previous bulging state while standing from the bed.
"This shouldn't be possible…" she muttered furiously, looking as though she wanted to bitch-slap Stan across his face. Her lips thinned into a white line, "Especially not twice now…"
"You're not gonna kill me… right?" Stan asked, just to be sure. Because with how pissed off the female looked, he couldn't be too sure either way.
Ignoring his question, the girl started to the door, her brown robes gently swaying with her fervent movements, "I'll be back later with food. Even though you're out of the bacta tank, you'll still need time to recover." and with that said in a hiss, the girl left without another word through the swooshing mechanical metal door.
"Holy shit, I'm in the future!" Stan exclaimed after seeing the door, throwing himself back into the corner as he decided to be as hysterical as his father would, given the situation.
Fucking shit, Jimmy, man. Stan was gonna kill him!
Stan, after five minutes of muttering to himself and being in the fetal position, had finally regained enough rationality to know that acting like his father would not help anything or anyone. So, being the individual that he was, Stan got up from the corner and dusted himself off while glancing around the room. The room was metallic and white, with strange objects around it. There was no clock to tell the time, as Stan had hoped he could find. Looking down at his feet, Stan saw that they were exposed and the realization brought on a sudden chill to the bottoms of his feet.
Finding some socks and boots in the room, Stan put them on before sitting on the bed. After another five minutes, the small sterile room was beginning to bore into him with its clean simplicity. Looking to the door, Stan wondered what the rest of the strange future house looked like when he paused.
What would his Uncle Jimbo, who was bat-shit paranoid from Vietnam, say if he saw Stan acting so carelessly while being with an unknown person, in an unknown place? Sitting back down as he had started to stand up, Stan went on to think about what he should do. He was only sixteen years old. He hadn't gotten his license yet, his girlfriend had just dumped him for the resident geek, and here he was being held against his will. Was it against his will? He hadn't fought or anything. Shit, he hadn't even asked if he was being held hostage. Wait, was he supposed to ask? Was that proper etiquette for a hostage-kidnapper relationship? Stan figured it must have been. But still, was that the first question he should have asked. Should he have treated it like some kinda date? Maybe sort of like how a guy didn't ask his girlfriend if she was a virgin until right before sex.
Oh shit, Stan thought! What if the girl wanted to rape him?! He had never had actual sex before! What was he going to do? Should he just lay there and take it?
Or rather, lay there and let her take it?
Would she even rape him by sitting herself down on him? Maybe she'd be one of those cruel bitches who, like, used dildos on her boyfriends. Oh crap! What if she raped him with a dildo?! Stan didn't think his poor virgin butthole could take that kind of abuse. Stan resolved to fight for his butt-virginity should things ever come to that.
"Alright, here's your fo—"
"Am I being held hostage? Am I supposed to ask that? Are you going to rape me? Please don't rape me! Are you a virgin? I'M A VIRGIN! Are you gonna rape me up the butt? PLEASE DON'T RAPE MY BUTTHOLE WITH A DILDO! I'M A BACKDOOR VIRGIN AND I'D LIKE TO STAY THAT WAY! Look, if you want sex or whatever, then I'll just lay here and let you mount me for your pleasure, but PLEASE DON'T KILL ME OR RAPE MY VIRGIN ASS!"
At the end of Stan's frantic babbling from his scare as the metal door hissed open, the redheaded girl stood within the doorway with a tray of foods and her face as red as her hair. Stan clamped his mouth shut, hearing the woman sputter and stammer while staring wide-eyed and unblinkingly at him. Her mouth, at one instance, was agape like a fish out of water. Then she turned around, setting the tray of strange foods on the door side table before leaving in a swish of robes with the door swooshing shut behind her.
Stan hung his head. It was now safe to say that he had ruined their hostage-kidnapper relationship, and that he was in fact going to be butt-raped by an extra-large dildo when the woman came back.
"…No, you deal with—with this!" the woman yelled as the door came open again a minute later, her frantically gesturing at Stan, who was still seated on the bed.
Behind the woman was a blond male. The blond was shabby and so were his robes. His blue eyes were a lighter shade than Stan's own cerulean orbs. The blond's features were mischievously set, the wicked grin on his face suggesting both mirth and amusement.
Stan's eyes widened. Oh, Jesus Christ, save him now! The girl had come back with a weird homeless guy to butt-rape him, or at least hold Stan down while the woman did the butt-raping with a strap-on dildo.
"So," the blond started, his eyebrows up and his grin growing, "what's this I hear about butt-rape?"
"KENNY!" the girl exclaimed, smacking the blond in the shoulder while her face burned a mighty red.
"Right, right, no butt-rape." the blond, Kenny, sounded just a tad-bit too disappointed.
"No ass-raping?" Stan asked hopefully as the guy sighed.
"No rape at all, actually…" the Kenny guy muttered with a pout and his arms folded.
Relief couldn't seem to fill Stan fast enough. He realized that he was still being a bit too hysterical, but boy did it feel good knowing that the people holding you hostage weren't going to rape you.
At least, not yet anyway…
"Am I being held hostage?" Stan asked slowly as the blond Kenny looked at him.
"No, not really." Kenny said. "That is, you can leave at any point. But just know, we are traveling at speeds faster than light, so you might wanna wait for us to make a stop before running from us as fast as your legs can carry you."
"Oh…" was Stan's response as all he took from that was that he was free to leave them when they stopped. Wait… "What do you mean by, "speeds faster than light"? Is that even real?"
"Of course it's real!" the red-haired girl exclaimed. Stan blinked as he realized that she had slipped further into the room and was now arranging the food in front of him. She looked toward him, an indignant expression on her face. "What? You've never heard of hyperspace?"
"You mentioned that before," Stan conceded, allowing himself to recall less paranoid thoughts, "but it only just clicked to me. Sorry, I'm more than a little jumbled with this whole thing." This whole kidnapping, is what Stan wanted to say, but these people weren't kidnapping him apparently.
"Yes, well," the redhead cleared her throat before throwing Stan a pointed look. It suggested that he pay close attention to her next words, "Hyperspace is the alternate form of travel that starships use to achieve faster-than-light speeds."
"Uhh, huh?" Stan cocked his head to the side, hoping that another headache wouldn't come on with all the questions that were bumbling around in his mind.
"Basically, it means that we're moving faster than light." Kenny said, moving next to Stan on the bed. "Now then, what's your name?"
"I'm Stan… Stan Marsh," Stan greeted, his hand stuck out for the firm handshake Kenny gave.
"Well then, you get to know my name. I'm called Kenny McCormick," Kenny grinned, showing his extremely healthy white teeth to Stan before gesturing over to his female companion. "And this is Kyle Broflovski."
"It hasn't been a pleasure to meet you," the girl, Kyle, sneered lightly while giving Stan the tray of warm foods.
"Don't mind Kyle," Kenny said, "Kyle's just cranky because no one can get inside your head."
"What?" Stan asked through a mouthful of food, having felt so hungry once his nose took in the smell of food that he shoveled the weird looking blue stuff into his mouth. The three-legged orange chicken-thing was looking good as well, but first Stan wanted some of the green baked potato lump.
"Nothing, just eat." Kyle spoke firmly, her arms folded across her underdeveloped chest. Really, Stan had seen flat-chest girls before, but this woman really was flat like an ironing board. Maybe that was why she seemed so pissed off all the time?
"So Stan, my friend," Kenny breathed causally as he wrapped an arm around the devouring Stan's shoulder like a friend would, "Tell us, where do you come from?"
"I live in South Park, if that's what you mean." Stan said after swallowing, remembering his manners least his mom split his head with a good scolding him when he got home.
"And where is South Park?" Kenny asked, his mouth slowly going downward into a soft frown.
"You know, Colorado," Stan replied, blinking a few times as he stared at Kenny. He had never heard of anyone on the entire planet who hadn't heard of the extremely weird town of South Park, where things from hamster invasions to ultimate robot showdowns happened for no apparent reason other than random repeating coincidence.
"Is that in the Core Worlds? You know, like Columus?" Kyle questioned as Kenny shook his head before Stan could reply.
"No," Kenny informed the redhead while pondering half-formed thoughts of his own, "There are no Core planets by the name of Colorado. Plus, I've never heard of a place by the name of South Park before either."
"It does sound unusual…" Kyle agreed as Stan stared between them.
"You guys have never heard of South Park before?" Stan asked hesitantly. They were probably just messing with him, but by the looks they were now giving him, maybe not.
Maybe it was a good thing they had never been to Colorado before. Maybe they were foreigners?
"Nevertheless, you are a stowaway." Kyle sniffed promptly, pointing at Stan, who blinked at the finger in his chest, "When we get to Tatooine, you will be turned over to the proper authorities."
"Or maybe the Master will let us keep him as a pet?" Kenny said hopefully, touching Stan's nose. "I'm gonna call you Zodberg!"
"Uhh…" Stan stammered, blinking at the blond boy wildly.
"I don't think the Master will let us keep someone we don't know the slightest thing about on the ship. What if he's a terrorist? Or a spy, even?" Kyle replied as Kenny gave an innocent look.
"Well, we know his name is Stan, and that he's from nowhere." Kenny said, tapping his chin, "We also know that he can't be read. Plus, he's so adorable. Just look at him, Ky!"
Stan blinked as Kyle gave him a scrutinizing look. Finally, after what seemed like hours of Kyle gazing deep into his eyes, the redhead gave a weary sigh that left her shoulders sagging a little.
"At any rate, the Master will know what to do with him when we reach Tatooine, or maybe the Council will take this matter importantly." Kyle mumbled, more to herself than anyone else. She raked a hand through her soft-looking curly red hair, "Until then, let's get him something to drink so he doesn't choke on any Fota bones or Herali sprouts. The Master said for the three of us to take care of him, so we'll keep him away from the rest of the crew and passengers. Is it possible for one of us to be on guard at all times?"
"Maybe," Kenny cast a glance at Stan, his features settling into cool calculation, "But Cartman and I are still working with the Master on the advanced meditation methods. You, on the other hand, have the whole day free to play medical droid.
"Oh joy…" Kyle muttered under her breath as Stan got the feeling Kyle didn't like him.
A shame, because she was so pretty and Stan felt like he could get her to stop being so pissy…
"So I'm, like, some kind of prisoner until we get to this Tatooine place?" Stan asked. The two in brown robes turned to look at him, apparently forgetting his presence for a moment.
"For the time being." Kyle informed promptly without the slightest hesitation, "Despite Kenny, we're all uneasy with an unknown passenger riding along with us."
Stan said nothing. He continued to slurp the grayish noodles that were at the corner of his food tray.
Well, so long as he was both lost and held prisoner, at least the food was good.
"So let me get this straight," Stan started out slowly, his eyebrows drawn together as he gave Kenny an especially dry look. "The galaxy is a Republic?"
"That is correct." Kenny said with a nod. The blond in brown robes was leaning against the cabinets within the room. Kyle had left them to get Stan's medical results.
"And that is controlled by the Galactic Senate?"
"Yes."
"Which is headed by the Supreme Chancellor?"
"Again, you are correct."
"Who at present is named Palatine?"
"Yes."
"And Coruscant is the central star system?" Stan said, his face having progressively dropped into a frown.
"I'm glad you've retained so much!" Kenny chirped with a smile.
"Are we in Star Wars?" Stan asked in a deadpan while Kenny looked bewildered.
"Uhh… no. We're in a private Republic transport special suited for long distance civilian transportation." Kenny corrected as Stan shook his head.
"No, I mean Star Wars." Stan waved his hand through vague gestures, "Ya know… with all the Jedi, Sith, Bounty Hunters, Smugglers, and that Han Solo guy shooting first."
The look on Kenny's face could not have been more perplexed.
"I have absolutely no idea what that last bit was about or what this Star Wars is you keep going on about," Kenny drawled, his eyes narrowing slightly. "However, the galaxy is teeming with Jedi, Bounty Hunters, and Smugglers. The Sith, however, we'd love to believe have fallen to extinction."
"Yeah…" Stan said awkwardly. He was totally in Star Wars. Goddammit, Jimmy, you asshole… "Sorry, I must just still be confused."
"Greatly so," Kenny sniffed, still looking mildly upset before he sagged a little, "But… I can understand. You've done extremely well given your current situation. I'm sure you must be missing your friends and family back home."
Stan said nothing, figuring that he'd eventually find some way back home. Besides, if he couldn't do that, then he didn't want to really dwell on it much. As far as he knew, the Jedi could do practically anything, and once he told Yoda about his problems, he be clicking his heels together three times and getting home in time for dinner.
"Umm… I know about some of the other planets, too." Stan shrugged, feeling that he should let Kenny know. Stan had only watched the three original Star Wars films with his geeky cousin once and then again as a joke with his friends from the baseball team.
"What of your training in the Jedi arts?" Kenny asked with that same friendly smile. "We took stock of you, and it seems you've got the potential to be trained."
"Umm… you mean teaching me the Force and stuff?" Stan asked to which Kenny nodded. "Dude, I got nothing. I'm not even sure if I entirely get the concept of some unseen entity molesting everything in the universe."
"That's exactly what I thought of the Force!"
"While I'm glad to see that you've found a friend in the possible assassin or terrorist, Kenny," Kyle had returned, in her hand was a device roughly the size of Stan's IPod back home. He kind of wanted his iPod at the moment now that he thought about it, "I will remind you not to disrespect the Force. And that you're supposed to be assessing his backward bumpkin knowledge of the known galaxy."
"Then you'll be pleased to know that this bumpkin has some serious genius retention, Kyle!" Kenny exclaimed as he roughly patted Stan on the back in an overly friendly manner. Stan liked Kenny, who seemed to be very easygoing and tolerant of him. Kyle, however, was still very much averse to him, so Stan made sure not to appear as comfortable with Kenny as he felt.
It was almost like he had been friends with Kenny for years, and that his friendship with Kyle had hit a snag somewhere around the beginning of puberty when she started bleeding and he started taking a longer time in the bathroom than her.
"What are you talking about, Ken?" Kyle sighed, almost as though Kenny praised people very often for very minimal and stupid things.
"He's strong in the Force," Kenny announced, a hand around Stan's shoulders as he held the raven-haired boy close to him, "and he says he knows about some of the worlds."
Kyle arched a delicate eyebrow, making Stan feel stupid and small with the simple action, "Oh, is this so? Well then, mystery man who appears out of thin air on ships entering hyperspace, please dazzle us with your in-depth documentation on the planets."
"Yeah, well…" Stan sucked in air as he readied himself to basically lie through his teeth. He was calling up memories on a movie he hadn't seen in over a year, so heaven help him if he screwed up and they skewered him with their lightsabers… which he had yet to see either of them have in their possession.
"We are waiting, Sir Just Stan Marsh," Kyle crossed her arms again, but this time began tapping her foot impatiently.
Stan began rubbing at the back of his neck as he prepared to take the plunge. "Umm… first there's Hoth. Then there is Bespin. My friend lost a hand there, but got it fixed later. And others like Dantoonie," hadn't Leia mentioned that one when she lied to the masked guy who turned out to be her dad, "Endor… umm, Alderaan… and Dagobah."
Kyle's lips had thinned again into a straight line, and her skeptical stance had not shifted in the slightest even while Kenny was bouncing on the bed like a three year who had just seen the trailer to the new Avengers movie. If Kyle chose to call him out on his bullshit, Stan wasn't sure how far he'd get in defending his claims. Especially if the redhead really did own a lightsaber and started interrogations with that as her tool of trade.
"Tell us, Just Stan," Kyle mocked scornfully as her eyes narrowed on him, "Have you even been to any of the planets you just listed?"
"Pppssshhh," Kenny blew the whole thing off as he jumped from the bed and whirled around on spot, his robes flying out around him, "None of that matters! The fact that he even knew them means something. Right, Kyle? Umm… Kyle?"
But Kyle was not one to be distracted it seemed, something Stan would have found mildly attractive if it was not being used against him now. Kyle's jade green eyes were trained on Stan, who hoped desperately that the drop of nervous sweat at the side of his face was only his imagination. However, since no glowing swords of death were being drawn at the moment, Stan was not going to let Kyle make a fool out of him when the girl didn't know one hundred percent that he was all bullshit.
"Yes, yes I have been to those worlds." Stan responded with what he hoped was a small measure of confidence.
Kyle scoffed, so Stan would show her.
"Hoth is cold. Like, freeze your balls off cold. And there's all this snow everywhere. And Bespin is this really cool cloud world where the city is in the clouds."
Even still Kyle looked skeptical and unconvinced, but behind her in secret, Kenny was shooting Stan thumbs up and gleeful smiles.
"And the forest moon of Endor has these little vicious teddy bear monsters on it!" Stan finished, proud that he had remembered so many details from something he cared about as much for as the next upcoming political election.
Finally Kyle seemed to explode, her face red with fury instead of embarrassment, "YOU'RE SO FULL OF SHIT! WHAT THE HELL IS A TEDDY BEAR, YOU MORON!?"
Oh no, Stan was not taking this shit laying down, "YOU TELL ME SINCE YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING, YOU GENIUS ASSHAT!" and until death swords were out, Stan would hold his new ground, nose to nose with the beautiful redhead.
Maybe if he kissed her she'd stop bitching at him…
"KISS! KISS! USE YOUR TONGUES FOR BATTLE!" Kenny was practically salivating at the sight of their lips being only a hair's breath away from one another.
"That's it!" Kyle raged, pushing Stan back with surprising force and making him tumble over onto the bed behind him, "I'm through with this!"
"Wait, Kyle!" Kenny had shouted, and not in panic or in a friendly tone like when he joked with them earlier. No, Kenny's soft and easy face was now stone serious and his bright blue eyes were like orbs of frozen heat as they and his words stopped Kyle dead in her tracks, "All fun and games aside, what just happened here was not cool. You need to calm down and relax."
"But, Kenny—" Kenny held up a hand, stopping his friend from continuing to make excuses. They were hosts in this instance. Kyle needed to control that temper if they were ever going to get the full story out of Stan and find out how the fair-skinned, raven-haired guy had stowed away on their ship.
"No excuses, Ky." Kenny then gestured toward Stan, who was still reeling from being pushed around like he was the frail short girl in the situation a moment ago. "You owe our guest here an apology. We are of the Jedi Order. We do not argue with others about what they may or may not know." Kenny then turned his back completely to Stan, obscuring the boy's view of the stern look he was currently cowing Kyle with, "And we certainly don't act like know-it-all assholes. Jedi help to serve, protect, and guide. Not harass and douche."
Before Kyle could stop sputtering, Kenny was back to smiling and had clapped his hand s as a happy expression took over his face, "Now then, I'll be leaving you two for that rather private apology. I need a drink after dispensing all this wisdom. It leaves a guy thirsty!"
Kenny escaped the room with a bounce in his step, the swooshing automatic doors closing behind him as it also left Stan confined to the room with the strangely silent Kyle.
"Uhh," Stan started awkwardly, feeling the silence pressing down on him as he tried not to stare at Kyle, but felt that he had to look at the girl because she was there and wouldn't take too kindly to being ignored, "you know, you don't have to actually apologize to me."
"No," Kyle shook her head, disturbing her curls as Stan wanted to see if the hair was as soft as it looked, "I do need to apologize. Kenny was right. I shouldn't be so angry with you when you're not even what I'm really mad at."
"Really?" Stan ventured, hoping this was true.
"Yeah, really," Kyle said, then graced Stan with a small beautiful smile, "I've kind of been taking my frustrations out on you, and that isn't fair of me at all. We've been under a lot of stress lately with this trip to Tatooine being sprang on us all of a sudden, and then came meeting the new master who'll be over us. Now we have to deal with all this advanced training he's been putting us through…"
"Look," Stan felt bad for Kyle and the others now. It sounded a lot like being kicked off the baseball team and having to coach pee-wee soccer or something alongside a raging hard-ass head coach, "I need to apologize to you, too. I'm really worried I might never see my home again."
"Why?" Kyle asked, and sat down on the bed next to Stan. Stan liked the look of concern on Kyle's face. It made her pretty in the light of the room.
"Because I think I'm never going to see my home again, not to mention my planet… It's like every second that passes I feel a little more anxious that no one will be able to help me." Stan rubbed his temples, feeling a migraine coming on, "And when I try to force myself to think about getting home or where it could be, I start to get a headache."
Kyle was silent for a long stretch of time. Stan figured that Kenny should have been back by now. He looked up ahead, envisioning his new friend coming into the room to tell him that they knew exactly where his home world was because "the Force" had shown it to them or something like that. Stan briefly considered telling Kyle and Kenny everything so they would be better able to help him. But that thought washed away as soon as it had crossed his mind. The two were Jedi and from what Kyle had said, would not be able to help. They were too involved in their own things, with their new Jedi Master and in their training. The dark-haired boy wanted nothing more than to rip open the air in front of him and skip through the wormhole back home. There he would proceed to beat the living shit out of Jimmy.
However, he shook his head. He needed guidance right now, not anger. But not the kind of counsel he would get from his father or uncle Jimbo. He needed to speak with an experienced wise man who could tell him what needed to be done next. Stan needed the advice of a Jedi Master like Old Ben Kenobi or Yoda. Hell, at the moment Stan would even take an ass-wipe like Luke to give him some words of enlightenment for the next step back home.
"Can you remember anything more about your planet?" came Kyle's quiet tone of voice, as though speaking any louder would chase away Stan's already draining memory. Stan looked up at Kyle, smiling a little as he shook his head. He wanted to talk to the redhead about it, tell her everything so someone could feel just as confused and hopeless as he did, but that wasn't right. It wasn't Kyle's fault he was lost in Star Wars, so Kyle shouldn't have to suffer for it by sharing in his pain.
"No, not really," Stan said with a sigh as he tossed back his hair. It was staring to grow out and he would need a haircut soon. "All I know is that it's not in the known galaxy. It's pretty far from any planet I know, anyway. The best I can say is that it's somewhere out in uncharted space."
"So you come from the Unknown Regions?" Kyle asked, but didn't give Stan the chance to answer as she sat up and stared at Stan. She grabbed his hands and held them close to her, making Stan's eyes bulge wide open and his face flush a vibrant red color. Holy shit, this was starting to go like a porno he had seen last summer! Now all Kyle had to say was that she'd help him remember with her body, and Stan would gladly take the bait.
"I'll help you remember," Kyle started, and Stan felt his heart race. He closed his eyes and leaned forward, puckering his lips. "I can use the Force to glimpse into your mind if you'll let me."
Stan's face fell with great disappointment. He peeked open an eye to see Kyle had her eyes closed as well, but she did not move closer or pucker her lips. She was breathing evenly, her whole body relaxed like a dead person. Stan could feel a gentle, tranquil energy rolling off Kyle. It tingled against his palms from her palms and made Stan feel like everything was neither right nor wrong with the universe. Like there was a higher power watching things happen around them and just shrugging its shoulders as time and space wore onward.
Peaceful.
Then the headache from before began to return while Stan felt like something was once again crawling along his brain with spider legs. It felt wrong, and it burned as it began digging into his skull like a drill. Stan shook his head, hoping to shake off the painful probe, but it fought hard to stay.
"You have to open your mind to me, Stan," Kyle said without her lips moving at all, but then the spider on Stan's brain turned into the cold slither of a cobra and Stan felt like screaming as it felt like the snake sunk its fangs into his mind.
"Ow, fuck!" Stan hissed, and stiffened as he mentally burned at the snake, which writhed and wiggled in its demise. His mind pulsed powerfully and Stan wretched his hands from Kyle's grasp in order to clutch his head. This phantom pain was beyond anything he had ever felt before in a headache or migraine. His skull was on fire and surely his head was split down the middle because it felt like it.
Kyle watched helplessly as Stan fell from the bed and quivered on the floor. His eyes were rolling madly in his head. Kyle dropped down and lifted Stan's head, holding onto the boy's hand as if to tether them together.
Stan wanted it just to end… to black out… to die and be done with the pain… But then it was gone, leaving him empty and wane in his existence before he felt something filling his soul again with the energy and desire to live. He was lying limply with his head in Kyle's lap and his right hand clasped between Kyle's palms. Stan looked up into those bright green eyes through a kind of mist. The air was ringing in his ears. Kyle looked shaken, but Stan was quickly feeling better as he rose up and sat next to Kyle with his back against the bed.
"Dude… the fuck was that?" Stan asked, his breath hitching as he looked at Kyle's pale face.
"Stan… that wasn't me…" Kyle looked unsure of her own words, as though they sounded so very wrong to her. "At first it was. I was just gently trying to find feelings of comfort and those usually end up with imagines of home. But then… then something dark came and tried to use me. It was evil and vile, and it penetrated me to get to you." Kyle looked up into Stan's blue eyes.
"But you drove it away. You did it, and I couldn't… You were so… so strong…" Kyle whispered, in awe. It made Kyle realize that the bright pulse of Force energy that threw off the two mental probes was not at all imaginary. It had really happened. Kyle had felt it, and almost saw it through the Force acting as a second set of eyes.
Whatever he was about to respond with, as even Stan wasn't sure what would have come out of his mouth at that moment, it was cut off. Kenny had just come back to them from the sliding door and he looked startled to see the two on the floor looking shook up and pale.
"Umm," Kenny raised an eyebrow, "did I miss something?"
"No," Kyle was quick to respond, shooting Stan a pleading look to not say anything. He didn't know why Kyle wanted to hide their incident from the blond, but Stan would go along with it in the wake of their bat-shit crazy moment and their budding new friendship. "Stan and I just got really bad headaches, and we're trying to mellow them out."
"Oh," Kenny smiled brightly as he came over and dropped to the floor to sit in front of them with his legs folded, "This is perfect! We can show Stan how to meditate, and then teach him how to use the Force in order to recover faster from stuff like this."
"Did the Master approve of us teaching him anything?' Kyle asked, but didn't have the scowl of disapproval like ten minutes ago. Awesome, Stan felt his heart soar. Kyle was finally warming up to him.
"Whatever," Kenny waved his hand through the air dismissively. He didn't give three fucks and a Jawa what "the Master" permitted of or not at the moment. He wanted to play teacher and help out his new friend. "I don't care what he approves. Besides, Stan has the potential. We shouldn't let something like that go to waste!"
Kyle looked on the fence for a moment, but no longer than that as she nodded. Stan felt his heart leap for joy again. It was real. Kyle really was his friend now! Yes, freakin' sweet! "You're right, Ken. Lets get started."
Kenny's smile could not have gotten any bigger. He pumped a fist in the air like Stan wanted to, and then became dead serious.
"Okay, Stan, here's how it goes." Kenny settled himself, getting comfortable as Kyle did the same and Stan followed their example. "You just start like you're going to fall asleep. Just focusing on your breathing and letting yourself ignore all else as you concentrate inward. You must reach inside yourself, through the pain in order to find the Force at your core."
Stan did as he was being told, focusing on nothing but Kenny's advice and the feel of his own breathing.
This was the start of something new, and Stan was beginning to think he liked it.