Too Far Gone

Title: Too Far Gone
Author: jracklesfan77
Rating: PG-13 to R (for language and references)
Show: DA
Genre: Drama?
Pairing: MA
Type: Complete

Summary: Max comes to a realization, tries to come correct. After an unexpected turn of events, will she lose herself and all she holds dear?

Author's Note: AU where Biggs is still alive and Manticore is still kicking.

(Set after the destruction of the DNA lab and the Seattle Manticore facility that resulted in all the transgenics, transhumans and anomolies being set free and taking up residence in TC. Just assume there were other compounds in the country and that Manticore is still working its evil!)

Part One

Max

I hated him. I hated how he made me feel. How he evoked feelings of need and dependency. I hated his eyes, laughing eyes that always saw through me. I hated his smile cuz it made me melt inside, made me feel weak. I hated how everyone liked him, enjoyed his company. How he drew a crowd of admirers for both his good looks and his personality. I hated how the entire world seemed to disappear the minute he stepped into a room. I hated how he held himself, so sure, so poised, and so confident.

As it hit me like a ton of bricks, I jumped to my feet and ran up the stairs, leaving the chaos of Crash behind me, my friends open-mouthed at my sudden exit. I hopped on my Ninja and rode down the dark streets, hurtling towards Logan 's place at full speed. I could feel the wind in my hair and I imagined another hand, other than Logan , caressing me, whisper-soft…

Pulling to a halt outside Logan 's building I thought of what I would say and how I could break it to him that we just "weren't like that" and that we never would be. I walked up the 13 flights so I would have time to think, to formulate my choice of words. I reached his door and suddenly all worry dissolved.

I opened the door and did a double take. There was Logan , naked, on the couch with Asha. Breathing, screaming and panting. Two sweaty bodies clawing at each other. It was somehow amusing. I realised I had never seen him naked. I hadn't ever seen him with his shirt off. And I am truly repulsed. I take a step back and convulse with laughter. Stifling the sounds, I back out of the door and into the hallway, all the while awash with a newfound feeling of relief. I am finally free.

Then it hit me. Of all the things I hated about the boy, it seems that the thing I hated most was how much I loved him. And now I could tell him.

I blurred down the stairs, rushed back to Crash hoping to find my friends still there.

O.C. was deep in thought. She had her head bowed and was rubbing her temples with her fingers. Sketchy had had one too many drinks and was chasing every skirt in sight. Poor old Sketch, no luck with the ladies tonight.

I scan the crowd for him. He's nowhere to be seen.

I turn towards O.C. and run into Biggs and Cece. Sliding into place next to Biggs I ask if he's seen the boy. He gives me a strange look. Maybe it's because I can't stop smiling. Maybe it's because I am relaxed for the first time in months and the air around me is no longer charged with tension or anger. Most likely it's because I generally don't ask about the boy. I lower my eyes, pained by the knowledge that I had hurt him, so many times.

Cece turns to me and whispers, "He's gone home."

I thank her and quickly get up from the table, tell my friends goodnight and head off in the direction of his place.

Taking the stairs two at a time I think of what I am about to say to him. I imagine his reaction only daring to hope he may feel what I do or something like it. I reach his door, turn the knob and...open my eyes to a world of pain.

There inside, in a mess of twisted limbs, is Alec. With. Another. Woman.

Alec's acute and well tuned senses pick up on my presence and he turns towards the door. I swivel and run, blurring out of the building, hopping on my bike and forcing myself to move. I drive for hours, until the insistent whistling of the wind in my ears convinces me to rest. It's almost sunrise.

Returning to my apartment, I find O.C. there, pacing.

"Boo, whatcha doin' runnin' round town at dis hour?" she asks.

I look away, hot tears threatening to fall, head into my room and rummage around the closet for a duffel. I begin pulling my clothes out of the closet and stuffing my belongings into the bag.

Finally, shoulders heaving, I do something I haven't done in a long time. I begin to cry. I let go. I crumple to the floor. Cindy comes running. "I was too late," I whisper, chokingly.

Taking one look at me she senses I have gone beyond simple pain. With my head bowed, I make a decision. Even without words, Cindy knows me too well. "Boo," she says, "you leavin'?" I nod my head. "Sugah, tell Original what happened?" So I tell her. About Logan . About Alec. About how I feel and what I need and how it's too late to do anything about it. How my having held back helped both the men in my life move forward, leaving me behind.

After sitting with O.C. for a while, I finish packing my things. I say goodbye to my best friend and turn away, not allowing her to see just how fragile I am. I hop on my baby and speed away. Thinking of happier times when my family was together, when I had Zack, Tinga, Zane, Jondy, Brin, Ben and the others. As I contemplate just how much I need my family and friends I try to ignore the fact that I am running from them...

I reach the Sector Checkpoint. And out of nowhere I hear a voice "452, we meet again."

I turn to face Renfro, my gaze stony, every inch of my body coiled and ready to pounce. But not before I'm blasted with tazers from all sides. I collapse into darkness.

I open my eyes to a bright light and the realisation that my arms and legs are pinned down. I am on my back, staring up at the ceiling, noticing the stark whiteness and clinical sterility that surrounds me. I turn my head, taking in the scene around me: Everywhere there are white-coated doctors, nurses and orderlies. There are machines bleeping and whirring and surgical instruments.

Manticore. I'm back in Manticore!

Renfro enters the room and her icy smile makes my blood run cold. I fight against my restraints with no success. I am indeed helpless.

"Welcome home, 452. We know you'll be very happy here." She says, her voice dripping with venom.

She turns to the doctor on her right, whispers something in his ear. He mumbles a reply and leaves the room. Renfro looks back at me for a moment and says "Let's get this moving people, we need her, and we need her soon." And then she's gone.

I feel the needle pierce my skin and slowly I pass out.

I don't know how long I was under. I drift in and out of consciousness feeling varying amounts of pain. Now and again there are bright flashing lights, sounds, smells, even tastes. At first, I struggle. But after a time, seeing photos of your friends and family pegged together with words like SNAKE, POISON, TRAITOR, MISSION , DUTY and DISCIPLINE, things tend to run into each other. One big hodgepodge of people, places and memories.

I still have my memories. Brief recollections of friends and experiences, but they feel strange; incomplete, like there should be more.

I smell burning flesh. Somewhere, deep inside, my mind is telling me, "Max, that's you burning." Then that little voice in my head laughs at me and taunts me "Who's Max?" I'm Max! I scream in silent agony before the torrent of pain consumes my being and I let go again, drifting to black.

Suddenly I am aware of silence. A cold, dark, lonely space where I can only hear the sound of my own breathing. I roll over and get up off my bed. It hurts to move. I look down at my broken body and wonder where all the cuts and bruises came from. I can't remember my own name. Yes, vaguely, I can. I'm…Max.

Somehow I have managed to hold on to a little bit of my old self. I hadn't thought that possible after all I had heard about psy-ops and reindoctrination. There had to be a reason for this. I just wish I knew what it was…

The sound of the door of my cell being opened causes me to shift my gaze. My eyes settle on a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy around my age. He beckons to me and I follow him out into the hallway. He looks vaguely familiar. As he stares at me, I can't seem to shake the feeling that I know him. That I need to remember him somehow. I shrug away the thought and concentrate on my surroundings.

So this is the new Manticore facility. It's clean and bright. I hear the sound of soldiers performing training exercises. I can hear the chanting; see the synchronised kicks and punches. There are new moves and manoeuvres I had not seen before. There is just so much to take in. I have to absorb it all; suck it up and learn to become a soldier again. My survival depends on it.

The boy turns to me. "X5-452, welcome to Unit 7." He says. Slowly he points out my new C.O. and 2IC. He then looks at me with a sudden intensity, making me shiver. I know this boy! But from where? He opens his mouth to speak. "My designation is 511…"

His voice fades as I turn and look at the faces around me. I can see unmasked hatred there. The tension in the room is thick and electric. I continue to suss them out as I try to understand why they are throwing daggers with their eyes. My gaze rests on a tall, gorgeous male X5 sitting in the corner of the room. He too looks familiar, yet I can't place him. He looks up at me, a puzzled look on his face. There is a twinkle in his eye and a smile tugs at his mouth as he stares at me. Suddenly I jump up, blur across the room and throw my arms around him, crying out "Zane!"

He slowly removes my arms from around his neck, lowering them to my sides, his grip tight on my hands. He looks down at me. "Maxie?" he whispers. "Oh my god, Maxie. I thought you were dead, little sister!" Sliding his arms around me, he holds me in a tight embrace.

The other X5's in the room relax a bit when they realise that their new team member might not be completely evil after all.

Resting against Zane's strong frame, I look at my new unit. I am aware of the hard looks I am receiving and decide to set them straight.

"I'm Max. X5-452, '09 escapee. I know you probably all hate me, along with my unit, or my siblings as I like to refer to them. You have good reason to hate us seeing how Manticore treated you after we escaped. I don't blame you for your anger and your hurt, but I wish you would try to understand that we had no idea what they would do to you…

"Do you all like Zane here? Do you respect him? Do you count him? Do you trust him?" I ask in trepidation. I see them nod their heads. So I plough on. "Zane and I were in the same unit until '09. He's my 'brother'. He's managed to adapt here, be accepted as one of your own, gain your friendship and trust. I only hope that one day you will have those same feelings for me; that I will prove to be an asset and a soldier our unit can be proud of, someone you can count on to get your back. For the time being, I trust things here will go smoothly and that we can all be amicable, if not friendly." Heads nodding all around, I slowly calm down and take another look around the room.

Looking pointedly at my new CO I ask, "Anyone care to fill me in on who's who and what's what in this hell-hole you call home?" I sit down and wait for someone to start talking. A short, blonde girl with bright blue eyes states her designation and speciality and briefly tells me about herself. The young boy next to her begins his spiel as well but I'm not having any of it.

"Hold up guys! Don't you have names?" I ask as I looked at them, one by one. Zane stands and turns to face me. "Max," he says with a smile. "You and I both know that names define us. Did you think I wouldn't pass some off on my own unit!" He puts his arm around my shoulder and introduced me to my new family.

"Maxie, may I introduce Nadine, Lock, Whiz, Biggs, Dodge, Tanner, Billie, Lea, our 2IC Kate, and our C.O., Munk."

"Hey Biggs," I called out as we walked towards mess hall after a hard day's training.

"Max," he replied with a grin. "How's it going?"

"Man, I'm exhausted and starved. If you looked up the meaning of the word 'hell' in the dictionary, there'd be a picture of Sandoval or Renfro. Who cooks up these insane manoeuvres and shit that we get stuck with day after day! Alec once told me…" my voice cut off by a sudden torrent of memories and pain.

"Max? Max, what's wrong?" Biggs asked, alarmed at the stiffening of my body, my hands clutching my head. He put his arm around my shoulders, drawing me into his strong embrace. I rested my head on his chest as I broke into deep, heart-wrenching sobs.

"Max-" he whispered, softly caressing my hair in a soothing gesture. "You can't do this in public, Max. Come on." Quickly, he pulled me out of the hallway and into one of the empty classrooms.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" he asked, as I sank onto a chair, Biggs taking his place on the floor by my side.

"Oh Biggs," I whimpered. "I can't remember them. My friends. I remember but I don't and its killing me! I hear their voices in my sleep, I call out to them, but I can't see their faces! It's like my memories aren't real. Like a huge part of me is missing. What's wrong with me?"

Biggs leaned toward me and put a comforting hand on my arm. "Max, I feel the same way. I was transferred to Unit 7 not long before you. I have the same problem…I can't remember so much of my life, though I was living on the outside too. When you talk about your friends, its like I know them…maybe because I had the same kind of life. A job, friends, good times…I miss it. Miss them." He took a deep breath and continued. "The worst part for me though, is that I don't even remember their names. I can't see their faces or hear their voicesand I can't put names to them. But I know that they were my friends. You can at least replay conversations in your head. I'm...it's like my mind is empty." He concluded bitterly.

I reached out to touch his hand as we looked at each other in silence, each taking comfort in the knowledge that we were not alone in our fears and our pain. It felt good, comfortable, and safe.

After our confessions, Biggs and I began to build a tentative friendship. We both felt a strong urge to be with each other, talk, share our experiences, thoughts, feelings. It's as if we have a connection somehow. If I believed in reincarnation, I'd say we were friends in a previous life.

It was good to have a friend. Having my brother Zane back in my life made the days more bearable. But Biggs and I have a friendship that needs no words. A comfortable companionship that would come to save us both during the months ahead.

Days, weeks and months passed. I integrated into the grind and routine of the days at Manticore. Training, Minor Ops, Missions. As time passed I felt more and more at ease with my unit. We had shown each other time and time again that we would lay our lives down for each other.

We shared stories of previous experiences. I told them as much as I could about my past and my life on the outside before my capture. I cried to Zane and Biggs about my missing memories and about the dull ache in my heart, as I lay in my bed night after night trying to remember, hearing voices but not seeing faces.

The missions grew in number as my fighting capabilities and training improved over time. I was fast, determined and successful. I pushed myself to my limits and then beyond. I became the soldier I was bred to be. I rose in stature both amongst my unit and amongst the elite command of Manticore.

When Kate was wounded in a training exercise, they pulled her from our unit. The sound of the single gunshot made us all shiver, silent tears falling down our faces in the dark of the night. We made a pact to be the best we could be. And we were.

When Munk failed to return from his latest mission alive, Renfro called me into her office. I stood at attention, staring straight ahead, giving no indication of independent thought other than my obedience to her call.

"State your designation, soldier" she said as she looked me up and down.

"X5-452 as requested, Ma'am".

Renfro knitted her brows together and stared at me, mouth pursed. "452, I have some news for you. You and…" she consulted her clip-board, "X5-511 have both been promoted. You will report directly and only to me; 511 will be under you in a direct chain of command. Is that clear?" she looked at me.

I was shocked. When had I become Renfro's golden girl? How had I moved so high up in the ranks here that I, an '09 escapee, a potential flight risk, had been promoted to… C.O.! And with Biggs as my 2IC… I almost felt pleased. I kept my emotions in check, my soldier face never faltering, so as not to betray my feelings.

"Permission to speak, Ma'am?"

"Granted."

"Why me, Ma'am?"

"Ah, 452. You have settled in here so well. You have completed every mission in record time and with great success. You care for and lead your unit extremely well and the directors and I can see they respect you. It is the natural choice. You have become the soldier we all knew you could be." She replied, a smug smile on her lips.

"You and 511 will report to my office tomorrow at 0700. I will bring you up to speed on your mission parameters at that time. Dismissed." With that, she flicked her hand at me, signalling that I was free to go.

I walked down the dark hallway towards Biggs' room. We had to talk.