もし彼女は太陽であった

Moshi kanojo wa taiyōdeatta

It was hard to remember now, but there was once a time he had barely noticed. And then a time where it was building up in his chest and choking him all at once.

Although he didn't even understand, couldn't even comprehend these foreign emotions and the way he felt, he was so, so guilty. She was so important to him, he knew. A most valued friend – but ultimately the god-sent angel that so often blessed him with her presence.

Some gap had been filled. A deep fissure from long ago, and he was consumed by her light. Gradually, she had grown into him, become the new centre of his universe.

If she was the sun, there'd be enough light for both sides of the world – he thought. Because whenever she was around, he lost all sense of logic, everything he had ever thought he understood. And he was left a blushing heap of feelings and unsolved mysteries.

And it hadn't really changed so much - the feeling still lingered sometimes.

And perhaps it wasn't about to change.

And perhaps that was okay with him. As long as this never ended, and this light was never taken away.

Bits and pieces of those feelings began to return to him, at that time. It wasn't planned, but welcomed – this new, bizarre scenario. Maybe not such a bad thing, considering the ever-changing pace of the modern world. Nevertheless, he was a naïve and unsuspecting novice at romance all over again.

She wasn't overflowing with reassurance, either – a bumbling mess of blushes and whispered apologies.

It was so new for them, after all.

He was so gentle with her, looking at her with shaky eyes and a timid smile. His hands brushed over her so lightly. Her eyes glistened with a half-uncertainty, but the warm smile she eventually offered melted his heart and gave him all the confidence he needed – at least to see it through.

She leaned into his kisses and slowly worked on easing up the tension in her body as he touched her. They were raised in a cautious, conservative culture, after all.

And while perhaps their forefathers would look down on them as sinners, they hadn't a care in the world about what was right and how to be sure – there was a gut feeling.

Those feelings from the past – he couldn't help but ponder them, trying to relive the doubt and the pain and the shame, wondering how it had been for him in the past.

He had her now, after all. And the past was just the past.

Under fabric she was soft and smooth and everything he could've imagined. She was warm and his hands were cold, sending shivers over her skin. They were so clumsy and unsure, so flushed and aflutter. Treating the other as fragile.

He kissed her with everything he had, but rather slowly and intricately. He had decided at first glance of her unfiltered and vulnerable form that she was a masterpiece and that the last thing he could do was waste this.

He was so grateful to her, for everything she had ever been for him and for staying by his side.

He loved her- so much, he was afraid. His biggest concerns were losing her, or never being able to express the full extent of quite how much he loved her.

Everything was swirling in his mind, the vortex of contemplation and envisage. Those uncertain feelings were so far away, now. And it wasn't until the end of this night that they really, truly began to fade.

Not until after they had given each other their whole person, shed their innocence and pushed at the gateway to the rest of their lives. Not until they were breathing softly, warm and tangled in a mess of outstretched limbs.

She was against his chest, breasts pressed gingerly against his muscles. Once again, he decided he was the luckiest guy in the world.

It was only a moment before he picked up his abandoned arms and engulfed her in an embrace, kissing her forehead and whispering to her.

He saw the smile in her eyes, and wanted to cry for a second. There were butterflies in his stomach and a spell of dizziness flashed over him, for one of the last times.

And everything felt so right, and he felt so content – he hoped the next time he felt that rush of brief delirium and swell of intense emotion would be the day he put a ring on the third finger of her left hand.