A/N: Hiya, I'm the Prince of None. Just a notice, this is my first MLP fic, and my first fic in general. If you can be bothered, all reviews are extremely appreciated.

Also, this story has an 'M' rating for a reason. This work contains strong language, graphic violence, and explicit descriptions of sexual acts. If any of this makes you uncomfortable, please do not read this story.

Legal disclaimer: All trademarks are the exclusive property of Hasbro, DHX, and their affiliates. I do not own- in whole or in part- any of the trademarked properties mentioned in this work. Please support the rightful copyright holders.

P.S. I've since edited the first few chapters of this fanfiction for quality and grammar. If you'd like to read the original version (for what reason, I have no idea), it's posted somewhere. I'd check my profile if I were you. (Shameless advertising.)

Now, let's jump right into it.

Chapter 1: Arrival

First things first, introductions: Hey there, I'm Zack. I'm fourteen years old, I'm about five feet six inches, I have blueish-greenish eyes, curly brown hair, and I watch a show called My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I've been a brony for a year or two and I love it; the show, the fandom, everything about it. Now, that's all you need to know about me for the time being, so let's get into the story.

I was walking through my hometown of Philadelphia on my way back home from seeing Equestria Girls when I passed a local high school and noticed the statue in the courtyard.

That looks a lot like the statue at Canterlot High...

Me being a stupid teenager, and having been exposed to a veritable singularity of stupid in the form of the movie I'd just seen, I jumped the fence and I walked over to the statue, figuring I'd just check it out and chill. I had been walking for a while.

The statue was of Benjamin Franklin; he had a quill in one hand and a sheet of parchment in the other. Old Benny was perched atop a podium with smooth, super-polished sides. I checked my hair in my reflection.

Still sexy as ever.

I made to sit down with my back against the podium. My butt had just made contact with the ground when the stone behind me started to glow a weird blue-greenish color. I rubbernecked to look at it and saw that the entire surface my back was against was glowing. I started to get up when I found that I had begun to sink into the stone, except it didn't really feel like stone. It felt like I was taking a cold shower after going for a run.

What in the flying fuck is going on!?

I tried frantically to part my body from the podium, but all I accomplished was sinking further in. My eyes darted to and fro frantically, looking for something to leverage myself against, but I couldn't find anything. I struggled like a man in a straightjacket, but to no avail. The podium was like quicksand, pulling me farther in the more I struggled. Unfortunately for me at that point, I hadn't made that connection; I continued to flail wildly until almost my entire body had been sucked in. By then, only my head, forearms, and calves were poking out of the glowing stone.

This isn't how I want to die! I have so much to live for! Like pizza, and sex, and cats! Please God, let me live!

That was my last thought before I was completely enveloped by the darkness.

Except then it wasn't dark. It was bright. Too bright. And I was falling, falling into the light.

My ears were filled with an extremely high-pitched hum. My ears were ringing with it, and I almost had to shove my fingers into my ears to endure it. Then, I felt my body being pulled, stretched apart. Every part of me was pulling away from every other part, it felt like I was being torn apart at an atomic level, but I was still in one piece. All of it was too much for me; the stretching, the falling, the noise. So I did what humans do best in that type of situation: I went unconscious.

I regained consciousness to find myself laying upon a cold surface.

That...sucked...

I did my best to open my eyes, but my brain didn't seem up to the task just yet, so the best I could do was flutter my eyelids feebly. After a moment of resting on the floor- at least I assumed it was a floor- I was able to raise my head and open my eyes. I found out that I was in a somewhat dark room with a bluish paintjob and some paintings on the walls.

Not what I thought the afterlife would be like, but this is better than nothing.

I figured that if I was able to look around, I was able to stand up. I unsteadily attempted to get onto my hands and knees. The thing was, it didn't feel like I had hands and knees. I looked down at myself and discovered I didn't look very...human. Where I expected arms, hands, legs, and feet; I saw hooves.

There's no way...

I scooted around the best I could and saw a large, very ornate mirror. That wasn't even the weirdest part, though. The weirdest part was my reflection. I had a strange, oblong head, giant ears, and fucking massive eyes.

You've gotta be shitting me.

I'm a goddamn pony.

That was the best explanation I could come up with. Then, shit got even weirder. I took another look at my reflection and made another discovery: I looked exactly like the stupid OC I made on that General Zoi pony creator thing. I had the same light green coat, the same brown mane, the same horn. Even my cutie mark, or lack thereof. Back when I was making this OC, I wanted my cutie mark to be a candle, because I thought it would be cool to be Ponyville's resident candle-maker; it seemed like a profitable job. But the thing was, I couldn't get the image to upload right, so I just gave up. As I looked into the mirror, it seemed like that detail had been maintained as well.

Alright, there's no way this is real. I'm dreaming.

I'd learned how to tell if I was dreaming before. The trick is to look at words, or numbers, or a screen of some sort. In dreams, they're constantly changing. So I looked around for something to read. My eyes darted this way and that, but there was nothing there. Nothing to read. Another trick, I remembered, was to count your fingers. In a dream that's all but impossible. The problem with that trick; I had no fingers, I had hooves.

Goddammit. Alright Zack, let's think logically for a moment: My last memory is getting sucked into a statue in a high school courtyard, but that's not realistic. Before that I was walking home from seeing a movie, but couldn't have fallen asleep then. Before that I was watching Equestria Girls in the theater. There! I fell asleep in the theater. Not surprising given the quality of that film.

Pleased that I had solved the mystery of how I had become a green horse, I figured I may as well ride this dream out. I got up without much difficulty- now that I had surrendered to the logic of the dream- and I walked around the room, taking it all in. Once I'd had my fill of blue wallpaper and gloomy landscape paintings, I approached the door and turned it with my hoof. I wasn't sure how that worked, but hey, it was a dream. I walked out of the mirror room and into a dark hallway lined with huge windows on one side and a plethora of doors on the other. A few boring paintings and vases on small tables were interspersed between the doors and windows. I went over to the window opposite the mirror room, which displayed the beautiful, inky black night sky that was peppered with amazing arrays of bright stars. The window also seemed to overlook a large city. I was too far away to see a lot of detail, but it looked incredibly gorgeous, like an old medieval hold-sans poverty, disease, and war.

Hm. Let's see what there is to see down there.

Now that I had some sort of goal, I began my walk through corridor after corridor of tapestry-covered boringness.

This dream sucks ass. Maybe I should just fuck with reality. Yeah. I haven't had a lucid dream in ages, might as well enjoy myself.

I willed twenty Playboy bunnies to appear. After a few moments of intense concentration, I looked around: Nothing. No bunnies. "Dammit." I said out loud.

I guess it's not that kind of dream.

I kept walking. I must've passed at least a hundred doors by now, and I hadn't felt motivated to open even one of them. I rescinded on that decision and walked over to the closest door and opened it. Poking my head in, I scanned the room for anything of interest. The light from the windows provided just enough illumination for me to see. It looked to be a small breakroom- like in office buildings. Just a table and chairs surrounded by some counters and cabinets. There was no one inside. I figured I'd chill here and try to summon something else. I went in and sat down in one of the chairs, tucking my rear hooves under me and resting my forehooves on the table. I looked around the room further, and I noticed a set of hangers with what looked like armor on them. I'd seen horse armor on a History Channel special a couple months ago, and it looked awfully similar to the metal garments on the wall in front of me.

Heh, those are pretty cool. I wonder if I can put them on.

I willed a certain set of armor to float over to me and settle onto my body. To my excitement, it actually worked this time. The armor was enveloped in a lime green light and did exactly as I'd hoped. Even the leather straps fastened themselves around me comfortably. The light dissipated and I suddenly felt somewhat tired.

Alright, that's the most fun I'm gonna get out of this room.

I stood up and made to leave the room, but a glint of light caught my eye. I walked over to examine it closer and found that the glint was a gold tag on the wall above the armor rack. There was one above each hook. The one above the hook from which I took the armor read "Phalanx". The one next to it said "Last Stand".

I can read that...that's a little weird, seeing as this is a dream and all.

I glanced away for a second and looked back at the nametags. I had expected them to be different- seeing as I was dreaming and all- but they didn't. I stared blankly at the names in front of me.

But that means...this isn't a dream.

I whipped around and galloped over to the window in the hall. Looking down at the city below, I attempted to come to grips with my situation.

I'm in the Royal Castle in Canterlot. This is so fucking cool! Okay, what should I do first? I can go to Ponyville, duh! Oh man, this is rad as hell. So, how am I gonna get there? Maybe I can blink there, like Twilight? Nah, she's not even powerful enough to do that.

I took a deep breath.

Okay... Ponyville first, questions later.

I was just about to set off on my epic quest to Ponyville when I saw a guard turn the corner to my right.

be me

wearing guard's armor

not a guard

ohshitdotjpg

I darted back into the break room, but not before the other guard spotted me. I heard a shout echo through the hall, "Hey! This is my sector! Where are you assigned to patrol?" I stopped and slowly walked back out of the break room.

C'mon, I need a good lie...

I felt sweat forming under my mane, but I managed to say, "Um…I-uh…I'm new. I was just looking around to see if I could find anyon-er, anypony that could help me out...sir."

Yeah, that's plausible, right?

"Do you know where I should be, sir?" I asked. "As a matter of fact, I do. I didn't think the newbies were coming in until tomorrow, though…" The guard said. "Um, well, kinda? I'm here with half of the shipment...and the other half will be here tomorrow, sir." I said.

There's no way he'll buy that.

"Oh, ok."

He bought it.

"So newbie, have you been assigned a guard ID?" He asked me, walking towards me as he spoke. "Uh, no. Not yet, sir." I replied. "Really?" the guard asked incredulously. I nodded. He scratched his head and said, "Alright, we'll get this sorted when Captain Armor gets up, dealing with newbies is above my paygrade. Newbie barracks are E20 in the guard wing. Get some shut-eye."

I cannot believe that worked.

"Thank you, sir." I said. "No problem, kid." He said, and went on his way. The rest of the trek through the immense castle was uneventful, save a few close calls with other guards and the supremely uninspired interior decoration. However, I had encountered another potential problem:

How do I get out of here? It's not like I can just walk out the front door...or can I?

I continued my walk trying to formulate a lie that could get me out of the front door without raising too much suspicion. During this time I could see from the countless windows that the moon had been steadily progressing across the sky, and had almost reached the end of its journey. After walking for what I had guessed was about 2 hours, and getting lost many, many times, I had finally reached the front door of the castle. The massive front door. I set my face in an expression of determinedness and urgency and sped my pace to a trot. One of the guards posted in front of the door saw me and shouted. "Halt! What is your business roaming around at such odd hours?"

Alright, just as I practiced.

"I'm on urgent business from the Princesses, sir." I said. I had set my voice a bit lower than usual. The guard on the other side of the door stared daggers at me. "From the Princesses? Explain." The guard said. "I'm sorry sir, but it's confidential." I said. "Confidential? Alright, why was I not informed that I was to allow passage to someone on official business?" He asked. "Perhaps the message was lost, sir?" I suggested, "Either way, I doubt our CO's would be pleased if they found that I was held up by an uncooperative doorman. Sir." I said, smiling internally. "You may pass." The guard said through gritted teeth.

I think his jimmies are rustled.

The guards opened the gargantuan door and I walked out into the breaking dawn. The air was crisp; I took a deep breath. It felt like new life was flowing into me after all that time in the stuffy castle. I looked around at the beautiful landscape as I walked. The castle grounds were immaculately kempt, topiaries of ponies and plants and geometric shapes filled the garden, interspersed with beautiful flowerbeds that displayed the most gorgeous flowers I'd seen in my life-the most vibrant reds and yellows and blues and every color inbetween. I could've spent my entire life marveling at the beauty of the garden, but I couldn't.

I trotted onward through the castle grounds and out into Canterlot proper. While still bearing a hint of the dinginess that large cities often do, it was still a sight to behold. It was like someone had taken the metropolitan wonder of New York City, cleaned it up, and dropped it into Equestria. It was early, maybe six o'clock, but there was still a multitude of unicorns out and about; most of them looking like businessponies but some that seemed to simply be strolling about, enjoying the wondrous morning air.

You know, I could get used to this. Maybe I'll come back sometime. But for now, Ponyville is my destination.

Walking onward, I resigned myself to enjoying the scenery of the city. As I walked, I looked around at the beautiful architecture. There were several very large buildings that were similar to skyscrapers back home, but instead of glass and steel, they appeared to be made of polished granite and quartz. The material did a spectacular job at reflecting Celestia's sunlight in such a way that gave the whole city a bright sheen, which I realized may have been the idea. After another few minutes of walking, I became aware of the townsponies looking at me strangely and whispering to eachother as I passed.

What the hell is their deal? I'm just enjoying the morning. Oh wait, I'm wearing guard armor. I guess it isn't often that they see Royal Guards prancing through the streets all wide-eyed.

As stealthily as I could, I traveled down a side road and into a somewhat secluded alleyway. I willed the armor to remove itself from me and float into a dumpster; without much effort, it did.

Seems like I'm decent at magic. That's useful. Doesn't tell me what my special talent is, but useful.

I made my way back out onto the main road and continued onward. At that point, I was looking for some sort of sign that would direct me towards the train station. Luckily for me, there was a billboard about thirty yards in front of me. "Canterlot Train Station Ahead!"

Huh, that's convenient.

So I continued on my current route until I reached a large train station on the outskirts of Canterlot. There weren't a lot of ponies there, but still enough for there to be a line to board the train. After waiting in line and getting seated, I was able to relax and enjoy the countryside flying past as I thought about what I would do when I reached Ponyville.

Maybe I should just tell Twilight what happened to me...nah, this is too cool to give up just yet. I'll enjoy it for a while.

The mind-boggling thought of meeting the actual Mane Six occupied my mind for the remainder of the train ride, so that by the time the train arrived in Ponyville Station, it seemed like almost no time had passed. The only thing to disagree with that was the ascending sun, which- going by its position- indicated that it was about eight o'clock. I disembarked the train and savored my first view of Ponyville. It looked pretty similar to how it looked in the cartoon, actually, it was pretty much identical. The one discrepancy was that it wasn't as bright and "technicolor" as I'd seen on TV. Perhaps my pony eyes were adapted for super-bright colors. I didn't really care because during the train ride, I became aware of a gnawing hunger in the depths of my stomach.

Hm. I'm hungry, and I'm in Ponyville. I wonder where I should go to eat.

And with that thought, I walked off towards Sugarcube Corner, and Pinkie Pie.