It had occurred to Jane, for the first time in months, that she may have to accept a life without Maura and with this realisation came an abundance of thoughts that liked to assure she would never see sleep again. She tried to think of life before Maura, but it seemed to blurry to make out.
You and I walk a fragile line, I have known it all this time but I never thought id live to see it break.
Something else had occurred to her, and this was something she was surprised she'd never thought about before: Maura completed her. There was no way around the fact; she'd taken the broken pieces of Jane that Hoyt had left behind and slowly pieced them back together, placing herself right in the middle where a piece had gotten lost along the way. Maura had taught Jane to smile when it seemed completely impossible, she had taught her to stand up when it seemed the world was shaking unbearably; but mostly she had taught her to love.
It's getting dark and its all too quiet and I can't trust anything now, and it's coming over me like it's all a big mistake.
It was only now that she could completely be honest to herself about her feelings towards Maura. She had never really believed in love, like many people, she believed it was just a word made up to capture people like a fairytale ending. Love was the movement in the earth as you look into their eyes. Love is the moment of electricity when you touch their skin. Love is the moment everything falls into place. It has the ability to make your whole world a jumbled up mess, but it can also make everything better.
But when the love is gone, especially thanks to your own actions, it is hell.
Whoah, holding my breath, wont lose you again, something made your eyes go cold.
She had tried all too hard to justify what she had done, but who was she kidding? She was wrong, in every sense of the word. What she had done was unforgivable and now she was stumbling trying to face the world alone.
Come on, come on, don't leave me like this I thought I had you figured out, something's gone terribly wrong, you're all I wanted.
It was only now that Jane had realised her own weakness. She had always learned to be strong even when things were falling apart, something she could thank her mother for. She had never actually noticed that there was a side to her that couldn't handle heartbreak or rejection. There was a side to her that couldn't face being alone even after being alone for such a long time.
She had never really known if Maura had felt the same way, she wasn't even sure if she felt that way or if her mind was just playing tricks on her.
As they say; you don't know what you've got till it's gone.
Come on, come on, don't leave me like this, I thought I had you figured out, can't breathe whenever you're gone, can't turn back now; I'm haunted.
She had spent three full days in bed. Eating was hard, moving was hard, breathing was even harder. Not a tear was shed, because Jane really didn't understand what she was feeling after three whole days of sleeping and staring at the ceiling. She had called work to take the week off, acting as normal as possible on the phone so that no one would worry, she hated people fussing over her…unless it was Maura.
She had tried to call during the night, when she'd woken up soaked in sweat reliving the memories but unsurprisingly no one answered.
She had shot her best friends father. How could she answer.
Stood there and watched you walk away from everything we had but I still mean every word I said to you.
Frankie had stopped by early in the morning knowing that something was wrong with his sister, she never took time off. He had knocked at the door for a while, but no one answered; this being the first sign that something was incredibly wrong. He phoned several times but it kept on ringing out. Sign number two.
He used his weight against the door and found his sister laying on the floor with skin whiter than the clouds.
crap.
"Jane?"
He frantically grabbed her wrist, feeling for a pulse, and was almost sick with relief when he found a weak but rapid pulse.
"come on, what's happened to you? Wake up Janey!"
After calling for an ambulance, Frankie noticed something on the table, a note.
whoever is reading this,
this is something you'll be surprised about; Jane Rizzoli has a human side. I've spent so long pretending to be this strong, unbreakable woman, that I lost myself along the way. I needed an escape, and I tried to avoid this for so long, but it was the only option I could see clearly. I've rehearsed this whole not thing in my mind but it really doesnt matter what I write, it wont change the facts. Ma, Frankie, i love you both and I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling while reading this, I hate myself for doing this to you, but I just couldn't pretend anymore, you might understand and you might hate me, i'm not sure. Maura, I need for you to read this. This bit is for you.
At that, Frankie realised what he was reading and let out a sob. His strong minded sister had attempted to take the easy route out and hed been so frantic he hadn't noticed the pills on the floor or in her hand. Why had she been so upset? What on earth could cause her so much pain?
The trip to the hospital was quick, that or he just couldn't really comprehend anything that was happening on the journey. He wasn't sure what was going on even in the hospital when surrounded by people asking him questions. He couldn't move nevermind speak to these nosey bastards. He had been joined by Angela at somepoint and Frost had appeared alongside Korsack. Still no Maura though. He needed to know what the letter to her said, but he couldn't invade their privacy like that. He called. He called again. And again.
No answer.
Just as his patience was at boiling point, a clatter of heels made him look up from where he was sitting when had he sat down? It was Maura, She looked tired, yet still mind numbingly beautiful.
"What happened? Where is she?!"
Frankie stood up and took a shaking Maura into his arms for a warm hug, hoping it would take his mind off of the picture of his baby sister laying on the floor.
"read this." he spoke quietly, then took his sitting position back.
With shaking hands, she looked down at the note.
Maura, I need you to read this. This part is for you.
3 years ago, you came into my life and it's never really made much sense since that moment. I know, I know, that sounds rediculous. I need to thank you, not just for being a friend but for being so much more than that. I know we never really talked about certain things, it was always joking and gibberish. I had a lot of feelings I could never talk about, like how when you laughed, my heart fluttered a little. When you hugged me, everything felt okay for that moment, when you touched me, it was like electricity. Maura, I know that we were friends, and i know even more that I ruined that, but I could never make things okay with that. I only realised exactly how i felt about you when it was over, Maura. I loved you. I loved everything about you. Your laugh, your smile, your hair, your google talk, your ability to make me feel better no matter what was happening. I'm sorry it had to end this way, but the thought of you never talking to me again made my insides hurt like fire, it made me sick, Maura, what I did. I would have regretted it every day. This was the only way to get rid of that feeling.
Please dont forget me, please find peace, i love you.
Maura couldn't think after that. She couldn't even stand up...it had only occured to her that shed nearly fallen over and Korsack was holding her up. What have I done? This is my fault. Maura sat down and only after ten minutes of shaking she managed to ask how things were going with Jane.
"well she was hanging on by a thread when Frankie found her on the floor, the pills managed to cause some damage to her kidneys and liver, however they have her on a week long dialysis treatment in order to clear that up. She has been placed in a medical induced coma for the next 24 hours in order to stabalise her"
"it's going to be a little touch and go for the next 24 hours."
Come on, come on, don't leave me like this.
Can't breathe whenever your gone.
You're all I wanted.
oh.
They all stayed up silently waiting for word in the waiting room. Maura paced, Frankie fidgeted like Jane usually would, Angie ranted and ranted. none of them could sit still, nor could they talk to each other. They just needed to know she was going to be okay. She needed to be okay.
It was 6am when the doctor told them she was awake.
They could enter the room one by one.
Angela shouted at Jane until her vains popped out of her forehead and she fell into her daughters arms crying. Frankie fussed over her and swayed around the subject. It was finally Maura's time.
She took her time, one step before the other and she was standing in front of her bed. She was pale and weak; almost unrecognisable. Maura took a seat and, with her normal cool compusure, placed a hand on Jane's. She made an attempt at eye contact, Jane didn't even move her head towards her. This was entirely her fault.
"I didn't mean to push you away, Jane."
Maura took a long pause and a deep breath before continuing.
"I know now that you did what you did because it was your duty. I dont understand why I reacted how I did, things without you have been so hard, Jane. I hate how I've treated you, and I can't begin to explain how sorry I am for pushing you this far. I didn't know that you felt...like that. To be perfectly honest, I never really understood how I felt about you but i realised, after all of this, that I do feel something more for you."
Jane turned to face her.
"and Im not denying that anymore. I know it will take you a while to get back on your feet, Jane. But i'm here, and if it helps...I love you."
Jane didn't reply, she was too tired to talk, but she knew that things were finally going to be okay and it was all it took to finally let her sleep.
That was all that it took. A few words, a gentle smile, a held hand.
That was all it took and Jane felt new again.