I turned on my laptop like I did every Sunday and went to Younow and waited for Phil to come on. It took about ten minutes but eventually he went live. My breath hitched when I saw him even after four years he's still just as gorgeous from when I first met him. I stared at the screen intently when he started saying hello to people he noticeably hesitated and then just skipped a name. It was so obviously my name and even everyone in the chat knew that since they were going off about it.

I don't know why I do this to myself, or to him for that matter. Watching is live shows when everyone knows I'm watching and Phil knows that. Every time that's all the chat goes on about too since we haven't made any collabs, lived together or even just tweeted each other in four years. I guess I just enjoy the horrible stab to the heart I get whenever he smiles and I realize he doesn't need me or at least not in the way I needed or still need him.

Never, do I miss 2009 more then I do on days like this, when Phil does a live show and he's just so... Happy and perfect and everything I need in my life and won't ever have again. He's just so Phil the Phil that sneaks into the kitchen at four a.m to eat my cereal, the Phil that draws cat whiskers on his face with me, the Phil who never once complained when I got more subscribers then him even though I complained almost everyday before that because he had more subscribes.

I don't blame Phil. Oh god of course I don't blame Phil I could never blame Phil... ever. After all I'm the one who told him to leave me. I was so horrible to him I said the cruelest things I have ever said to anyone before and poor sweet wonderful Phil just sat there and took it and didn't say anything. Even when I told him I never wanted to see him again.

I was just stupid and to scared of my own sexuality to accept anyone else. Even poor innocent Phil who fell in love with someone who he thought and even still thinks will never love him back after all according to the rest of the world I'm straight.

I heard Phil is getting married soon. I wasn't invited obviously but Tyler told me the other day through text asking me if I got an invitation. I have half a mind to stop the wedding and because I know Phil still loves me he would stop it but I can't do that. That's not fair to Phil or whoever he's getting married to. I had my chance and not only did I blow it I changed Phil in so many ways. It's their turn to live happily ever after and mine to stand back and watch the person you're hopelessly in love with be with someone else.

I almost wanted to hit myself when I realized that I was feeling so sorry for myself I wasn't paying attention to every single thing Phil was saying. This was the closest thing I had to talking with Phil. I cant just take it lightly.

I smiled when Phil was just answering small and light questions about his new video and lions. When a question that made me want to throw up came up. Phil's perfect smiled faded only just the smallest bit before he said "what happened to danandphilgames." I didn't move for the several second that Phil didn't say anything.

"well you see as you guys probably figured out me and Dan don't live together anymore and we kind of drifted apart so we don't see each other enough for us to keep up with it sorry to disappoint you guys." I was able to breath again when he answered the question in such a calm way nobody would be able to tell anything was wrong. Of course Phil gets the occasional message about 2009 nostalgia but other then that it's like I never existed.

After all when you delete your Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, and Youtube you start to get noticed less and less until you almost get confused when they do and then almost cry when they ask where Phil is and You realize they were old phans.