Always

by katyastark

This is his fourth reset. Every time it's disorienting. Every time he thinks it will be his last. Every time he wonders what kind of life he will live and when it will inevitably end. Every single time he is killed in the line of duty. It's not always the same way, but there is one constant. Every time he dies, it is always at the hands of Izuku Midoriya.

This is his fourth reset. Every time it's disorienting. Every time he thinks it will be his last. Every time he wonders what kind of life he will live and when it will inevitably end. The first time he made it to twenty five. The next, only nineteen. Last time, he reached the ripe old age of thirty one, topped the hero rankings, and went out in a fiery blaze of glory. Every single time he is killed in the line of duty. It's not always the same way, but there is one constant. Every time he dies, it is always at the hands of Izuku Midoriya.

"It's been a long time, Ground Zero."

"Not long enough, Deku," Katsuki says in a measured tone. It's never long enough. After three lives the surprise has gone from his voice completely, now there was only an odd mix of rage and resignation. By his third life, he's starting to feel like he's playing an impassable level in a video game. Deku is the final boss and Katsuki is doomed to watch the same cutscene over and over again. He wants to know what comes next. He's tired of this level. He's tired of losing. He's tired of living only to die again.

"I can promise you this will be the last time," he says through a sadistic smile, his green eyes filled with cold anger. He says that every time. And every time Katsuki hopes he's right. He's starting to feel like a lamb destined for slaughter, nurtured and fattened up only so Deku can kill him again and again. Not for the first time he wonders if he keeps resetting because of one of Deku's Quirks.

Tartarus prison is on fire around them. Villains cackle over the crackling roar of flames, escaping left and right but Katsuki can't be bothered with them—he learned that his second time around. The ground is littered with rubble, glass, and civilian bodies, some still twitching, hanging on to life with small gasping breath. It's always the same and somehow different. Somehow it always catches Katsuki by surprise. Same shit, different day—different life, different circumstances.

The screams of dying victims are deafening, but he only ever has eyes for Deku, for All for One. How ironic that the fated showdown between One for All, the Quirk he inherited from the greatest hero, and All for One should be between him and his oldest acquaintance. He remembers how it felt the first time. The punch of surprise and shock and horror to see Deku emerge through the smoke and change before his eyes. How his muscles contort and double in size and his skin turns to barbed, impenetrable steel. In his second life, Deku turns into a great and terrifying beast with gnashing black teeth and claws the length of his arms. That death was slow and by far the worst.

By his third life, Katsuki stops trying to save himself. If he's fated to die, so be it, but he'll take Deku with him. He never does. Not yet, at least.

But this is his fourth life. His fourth time waking up in a smaller body in his old bedroom. He's three years old, still waiting for his Quirk to present, and his room is decorated with All Might action figures and pictures of his best friend—his worst enemy, his fated rival.

Katsuki never knows in the moment how one thing will affect the future, but he knows it has to change somehow. His first time around he foolishly thought he'd been given a second chance at life. He didn't change much, didn't even think about the boy who would grow into that horrifying monster. He's smarter now.

He knows now that this isn't his fourth chance for nothing. He thinks maybe he should just kill Deku. Wrap his tiny, three year old hands around Deku's neck and be done with it. Drown him in the creek behind his house. Smother him with a pillow at one of their sleepovers.

He's lived enough lives to add up his time as a hero and consider it a great, worthwhile career. But he's selfish. He wants to be remembered as a great hero, as All Might's successor. He can't do that if he's institutionalized at the age of three for murdering his neighbor. And for all the things Deku did—will do, has done—he's still just a little boy right now. Katsuki can't kill an innocent. It's not what heroes do, and he's a hero, goddamnit.

He rolls over in his bed, his body not taking up nearly enough space on it. He tries to sleep again despite the morning light streaming through his window, despite the fact that his mom will wake him for breakfast in only minutes. The first day never changes. His lives start with Deku, and end with Deku.

"Kacchan!" Deku runs to him, every awkward step forward tinged with the excitement and wonder only a three year old could possess. Katsuki used to wonder if Deku remembered their past lives the way he did, but seeing him now, he knows he doesn't. For the first time in all his lives, Katsuki thinks that maybe pushing Deku away isn't the answer. He's tried everything else. Maybe kindness is the only way through, to cease the endless loop of life and death and life again.

"Hi, Izuku." Katsuki's voice is high pitched and sounds odd. It doesn't match the gruff, deep baritone it was yesterday, but it still holds its tempered cadence. It speaks of a maturity far beyond his years. Every time it's harder to pretend to be young and excited.

"Look! Special shiny trading cards. I got you a pack too."

The gift is always the same, but this time he wants to cry because only hours ago he was thinking of killing this kind, gentle boy who shares so much with him in the early days of every life. He opens the pack of cards and admires how they change color as the sunlight glints off them. The backgrounds change from silver to blue to purple and every color in between.

"We got the same one!" Deku says, his squeaky childish voice so full of mirth as he holds a matching card out to him.

"I love it. All Might is the best," Katsuki says, plastering a small smile on his face. He thinks that maybe if he can just keep Deku close this time, everything can change.

The early days are always easy. When he's older and they go their separate ways Katsuki forgets how easy it is to be Deku's friend. It's other people that make it hard.

Tsubasa shoves Deku in the dirt and steals his All Might plushie while a chorus of goons laugh behind him. They're six and Katsuki clearly remembers leading the charge in another life, a life where Katsuki outgrew Deku and preyed on his weakness. Now he's his greatest—and only—defender.

Katsuki runs to him to help Deku up. His palms are scraped and his brand new gakuran is dusted with dirt. He puts Deku behind him, his arms outstretched and his palms facing Tsubasa and his lackeys.

"Look how fast he came to his boyfriend's defense," someone yells and a chorus of hyena laughs go up. Katsuki's face is already red with anger, but he knows he's blushing embarrassment too.

"Shut up!" A flare of smoke and sparks ignite on his palms. His Quirk isn't strong yet, but it still burns. It still gives him a reputation for volatility and it's only the first week of primary school. He can tell Tsubasa is afraid of his power even with his small explosions.

"Chill out, Bakugo. I was only playing. Why would you keep a loser like that around you, anyway?"

Tsubasa is begging off. Trying to get away with what he's done to his friend. Katsuki won't let him.

"Kacchan, it's fine. Let's just go," Deku whispers from behind him. Without even looking at him he knows there are tears in his eyes.

"No, it's not." Katsuki walks forward with all the menace and swagger his six year old body can convey and puts a smoking hand on Tsubasa's shoulder. He flinches.

"If you ever touch Deku again, you'll be sorry," he says, his child voice a low growl. He rips the plushie from his hands and turns toward Izuku without a second glance toward Tsubasa and his gang of idiots.

"Let's go, Izuku." Katsuki grabs Deku's hand in a show of solidarity despite his rising embarrassment at being so outwardly kind. The plushie is still in his other hand and he's gripping it so tightly he fears he may rip the seams. He doesn't relinquish it or Deku's hand until they're halfway home and completely away from the crowd.

"Kacchan," Deku starts to speak, but his voice tapers off as he looks down at his feet.

"Spit it out, Izuku." His voice still carries the anger he used to address Tsubasa. He wants to kick himself when Deku gives a small flinch at his harsh tone. He sighs, trying to shove his anger down where it's hidden and more manageable.

"Are you okay?" Katsuki asks when Deku doesn't speak again. His voice sounds more like it should. Young and light and not like a grown man trapped inside a primary schooler's body. Deku nods and wraps his arms around the plushie. He looks so small. He is small.

"What's Deku?"

He says it so quietly and into his plushie that Katsuki has to ask him to say it again. He realizes he fucked up. He referred to him as Deku. He can only hope the name doesn't spread like wildfire. It did in all his other lives.

"It's a nickname. Like Kacchan."

"Like dekunobou? You call me useless?"

"Not useless. Just Deku."

"Why Deku then?"

Katsuki sighs again and turns to Deku, determined to correct his mistakes from lives gone by.

"When I was learning to read, I fucked up the kanji in your name and said Deku. My mom was laughing because it was the first word I ever fucked up and it made me so mad that I told her that was my nickname for you so I wouldn't technically be wrong."

It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't a truth by any means either.

"That sounds like something you'd do," Deku says, starting to smile. Always smiling these days. Every time Katsuki sees another one of Deku's smiles he forgets the last one a little more. The one he sees before he dies. The one that's not really happy.

"I won't call you Deku. Sorry," Katsuki says as they begin to walk again. That sorry was long overdue, even if the Deku in this life doesn't know it.

"You can call me Deku. No one else, though."

Katsuki smiles a little when Deku grabs his hand again. He considers the bullet dodged. It was so easy being Deku's friend that he almost forgets this is the longest they've ever been on good terms. When he realizes it, he's the closest he's ever been to being just a happy six year old.

Despite his best efforts, the bullying doesn't stop. Katsuki feels like he's always with Deku, but when he isn't he always finds him with a new scab or bruise forming. Deku is too good in this life, too good for anger and retribution, so he never tells Katsuki who's hurting him. It's endlessly frustrating.

"Just tell me so I can fuck them up!" Katsuki says while inspecting a large bruise on his arm. Deku pulls his arm back and hides the bruise under his gakuran again, his face clouds with an emotion Katsuki isn't familiar with, especially not on Deku. It's shame. Deku is ashamed by his weakness because of what other people do to him. The unfairness of it all hits Katsuki like a freight train and the angry monster inside him doubles in size. Is shame what turns Izuku into a monster? Or is it the bubbling anger he never lets anyone see?

"Language, Kacchan."

"What, you want me to say it in English, like All Might?"

"I want you to calm down. Don't worry about me."

"I'm supposed to protect you. That's what heroes do."

"You're not a hero yet. You can't protect everyone."

"I can protect you. Even if I never become a hero, I will always protect you."

Deku looks at him, soft and sad and small. Katsuki's righteous anger never made him feel so warm and fuzzy. He's never had a crush in all his lives and it feels too good to be that bothered by it. But when Deku is sad, Katsuki rememberers the Deku from his old lives. They're twelve now, and he knows that all the other twelve year old Dekus from before were never as happy as the one in front of him. Katsuki thinks that if he can just preserve this happy, naive Deku everything can stay okay and he'll never have to see that sadistic smile again.

"Always, always?" Deku asks. He doesn't have to look at him to know he's smiling, but he does because he can't help himself. He immediately has to look away because his ears are getting hot, a telltale sign that he's blushing.

"Don't get greedy, Deku."

Deku laughs. It's light and musical, as if he wasn't just hurt enough to bruise. Katsuki doesn't shy away when Deku's hand finds his. They do this a lot in this life. Katsuki figures they'll outgrow it someday, so he won't complain while it's still an option.

"I think I can be satisfied with one always. Thank you, Kacchan."

"I have to hang back today, so we can't walk home together." Katsuki is short with Deku as they walk out of class. Some days are too important to change. Today is the day he gets One for All. One of the only days that always plays out the same, save for the fact that he is still friends with Deku in this life. He doesn't want Deku trapped between him and the sludge villain that always nearly kills him on this day.

"Are you sure? I don't mind waiting up."

Katsuki smiles a little because of course he doesn't mind. Deku never minds. He so patient and kind and it's hard to reconcile this Deku with the one that always kills him.

That eventuality has never seemed so far off. It feels so far off that somewhere around the start of middle school he started to actually feel his physical age again. It's nice to be a kid again for real.

"It's okay. I'll see you in the morning."

They always walk to school together in the morning and Deku always holds his hand the whole way, right up until the gates of Orudera Middle come into view. Holding hands at fourteen is slightly more embarrassing than it was two years ago, but it doesn't stop them. Katsuki wonders if Deku feels how much more it means to touch each other so casually, or if he just feels safe having Katsuki within reach. He doesn't have the courage to ask.

As soon as Deku is out of his sight he sprints to the alley where everything is supposed to go down. He's always had people with him during the attack, but they always bail. Coming alone shouldn't change too much.

He waits and waits and waits for the sludge villain to appear. He's so antsy that he actually jumps when the sludge villain comes up from the sewers and starts threatening him.

He puts up just enough of a fight—his Quirk is much stronger than it's been in his other lives, practice makes perfect after all—before letting the sludge take him. It's hard to let it happen but eventually he can't even fight it.

This is always the worst part.

Every time it happens part of him thinks he'll actually die.

He's fighting for breath, trying to focus beyond the sludge. He can see the fires he set with his Quirk and the smoke billowing all around them. He can see Mount Lady and Death Arms, then Kamui Woods and Backdraft. All Might always saves him. It's only a matter of time now.

His visions starts to black out and the uncomfortable feeling of suffocation starts to take him. Come on All Might. Where are you?

Just before he blacks out something sails through the air and suddenly the sludge isn't covering his mouth. He takes a huge gasping breath, coughs up flecks of grime, shakes it out of his hair.

And there's Deku, barreling towards him like a madman. This isn't supposed to happen. Why is this happening? Why are the heroes letting Deku put himself in danger?

"Deku?" Katsuki's voice is gruffer than usual from all the slime. He almost sounds like he did before he died. His voice changed about a year ago and it was a small comfort to sound more like himself again.

"Kacchan!" Deku's big, green eyes are shiny with tears as he tries to dig him out of the sludge.

"What the hell? Why are you here?"

"I don't know! My legs just started moving," he says, frantic and panting. He needs to get him out of here. He can't let Deku get hurt. Before he could speak—to scream that Deku get out of harm's way—the sludge is in his mouth again and it's all he can do to keep his mouth shut against it.

"Kacchan! I couldn't just stand there and watch you die." His voice is grave and breaking on every word. Katsuki can only hope that he hasn't messed up the future so badly that they'll both die here.

Is that what's supposed to happen? Are they both supposed to end here? Or will he wake up again tomorrow as a child?

He hopes he gets another chance to save Deku. He can't let it end like this.

He can only see out of one eye, the sludge has consumed him everywhere else. The villain tears back, a threat on Deku's life and Katsuki can only watch.

And then there's All Might.

They're saved.

Everything is still on track.

If Katsuki could breathe it would be a sigh of relief.

The heroes and paramedics surround them, scolding Deku for being reckless and praising Katsuki's Quirk. He's never been here for the attack before. For the first time, this day is different, and not for the better. Katsuki is frozen where he sits, eyeing Deku up and down so he can assure himself that Deku isn't hurt, isn't broken.

He has no way of knowing how this will affect Deku. He has no way of knowing what their futures hold anymore. He gives a hysterical laugh and the spell that keeps him frozen in place seems to break. Deku is okay. Things will be fine. He's still his Deku, not the murderous villain he's working so hard to prevent him from becoming.

"Leave him alone!" Katsuki says, finally making his way to his friend—his very brave friend who just saved his life. He helps Deku up and puts a protective arm around him.

"He saved my life while you chucklefucks sat around. Deku, are you okay?"

As far as Katsuki can recall Deku hasn't said a word since All Might saved them. He's afraid Deku is in shock. Deku's eyes are unfocused at best and catatonic at worst. He holds his face so that Deku has no choice but to look at him. When Deku's eyes finally meet his Deku jumps a little and throws himself at Katsuki.

"I'm so glad you're okay," Deku says, his teary voice muffled in Katsuki's shoulder. Katsuki is slow to react, caught off guard by how close Deku is, but he reciprocates the hug for a short time before pulling away and steadying him.

"Let's go home, nerd. Your mom's probably losing her mind right now."

Deku just nods, tears still streaming down his freckled cheeks.

The walk home is quiet and contemplative. They hold hands the whole way but Katsuki may as well be on another planet. He can't stop thinking about how this will affect the timeline. Will All Might still find him? Will Deku be there when he offers it to him?

No, definitely not. All Might would never put a civilian in danger by entrusting his secret to them both. He will find Katsuki when he's alone. Just like he has every other time.

Katsuki hardly realizes they're passing his own house before his mother bursts from the front door and runs after them like a bat out of hell.

"Katsuki!" she screams as she pulls both him and Deku into a crushing hug. She's never been one for hugs, but he always gets a hug like this when he comes home after the attack. He was growing used to it.

"I'm fine. I'm just walking Deku home."

"Like hell you are. Izuku will be fine walking the remaining twenty feet to his apartment on his own," she says, smoothing down Katsuki's bombastic hair.

"Yes, Auntie. Bye, Kacchan."

Katsuki is taken aback by how sad Deku sounds. He immediately extricates himself from his mother to look at him.

"Hey. You sure you're okay?"

Deku gives a small, forced smile and nods before he turns the corner toward his apartment complex. He's not okay, Katsuki knows him well enough to see that.

Katsuki waits on his front steps for All Might. It doesn't usually take him so long. The sunset is dipping lower in the sky and giving way to darkness. Katsuki starts to panic. Has he changed so much that history has totally rewritten itself? Is All Might okay?

He waits until his mother won't let him sit outside anymore. His stomach fills with dread at the thought of losing One for All. What if, in this life, he isn't meant to have it? What if he couldn't have Deku as a friend and All Might as a mentor in the same life?

If Katsuki never gets One for All, does that mean Deku will never get All for One? He decides that he can give that up, let it slip through his fingers, if it means Deku never goes bad. Still, the feeling that he lost something great eats away at him.

The next day begins the same as every other day in his fourth life, with his hand in Deku's as they walk to school. He steals sideways glances at him to assess what he's feeling, trying to discern what he's thinking. Gone is the sad boy from last night that couldn't even muster a convincing smile. His smile is genuine when their eyes meet.

"I can't walk home from school with you today, Kacchan."

"What? Why?"

"Because it's time to get serious about UA. I need to train if I'm going to be as strong as you."

Katsuki didn't know what he was expecting to hear, but it wasn't that. He hates that the first thing he thinks of is Deku's murderous smile looming over him in his last life. The one he saw before his boot came down to stomp on his face and everything went black.

"You—you're—" Katsuki stammers. He can't get his words out.

"I'm going to be a hero. Just like you." Izuku gives him his best, brightest smile before letting go of his hand. They're nearing the school gates now, and the time for talking seems to be done.

Izuku almost never walks home with him after that day and the thought of what he could be getting up to makes his stomach knot up with anxiety. Has he met All for One? Is that where he was going after school every day? He wants to kick himself for never bothering to find out when Izuku fell in with a bad crowd, for never knowing what it was that sent him down the wrong path.

All he knows is what he can see, and what he sees is an absolutely exhausted Deku. He's putting on weight and muscle, but his eyes are almost always hazy and unfocused in class. The purple shadows under his eyes grow starker against his pale skin as months go by and Katsuki finally has to say something.

"What's going on with you, Deku?"

It hasn't escaped his notice that Deku is being cagey. He avoids talking about his training, always steering the conversation to monotonous things like the weather and what he ate for dinner or what movies were playing at the cinema. They never talked about the fucking movies or the weather before. What changed?

"What do you mean?" Deku asks, playing dumb.

"You look like you haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks. I'm pretty sure your undershirt is on backwards. You're a fucking mess Deku."

Deku's only response is to check that the tag of his undershirt isn't in the front. It is, and he at least has the decency to look sheepish. He laughs and shrugs it all off.

"I'm just overworking myself a bit, I guess. I've got stiff competition for UA," he says, nudging Katsuki with his elbow. Deku's shifty eyes do little to assuage Katsuki's fears. There's something else.

"If you're in trouble or something, just tell me. I can help."

Deku gives him an odd look, like he doesn't know what Katsuki could be thinking. But he also looks guilty, like he wants to tell him something.

"It's nothing bad. I promise. I'll show you after the entrance exam."

The UA entrance exam is the only important thing they actually talk about lately. Deku is making plans for the future and Katsuki is entwined in all of them.

"It'll be great. We'll get to stay in the same school, maybe even be in the same class. We'll get to stay together!"

"We have to pass the exams first, Deku," Katsuki says, gruff. He's playing with his rice in order to avoid looking at him at lunch. He never stopped to think how much more painful dying by his hands will be if they're actually friends. What if he doesn't get in, and that's what finally sends him over the edge? Or worse, what if he does get in? What if the biggest villain to ever walk the earth has a connection at UA? What if his successor gets to train alongside the heroes he'll one day undermine? It makes Katsuki sick.

"We'll pass. I know we will. I hope they let us be in the same exam area. You and I are always better together." Deku is mostly rambling to himself by the end of his diatribe, and Katsuki is close to his breaking point. They've never been less in sync. They've never been less together in his current life than they were right now.

"If that's what you think, then why are you lying to me?" He spits the words out, pure vitriol rolling off his tongue. Deku looks like he's been slapped when Katsuki finally looks at him.

"Kacchan," he says, a hand reaching across their lunch table to place on his arm. Katsuki jerks it away with unnecessary force. He will not let this happen. He will not allow Deku to keep this secret from him. He doesn't want to live in a world where Deku is a friend to his face and an enemy behind his back. Katsuki doesn't trust him, and clearly Deku doesn't trust him either.

"I don't want to talk anymore. Not until you tell me everything."

He can't handle not knowing. It's tearing him up inside. He's angrier lately, quick to volatility from lack of sleep. He can't spend anymore sleepless nights on contingency plans or wondering when the other shoe will drop.

That was Thursday, two weeks before the entrance exam. He didn't walk Deku to school the next morning, and all day Katsuki feels Deku's puppy eyes staring at him. He refuses to budge. Part of him wants to believe that nothing's wrong, that Deku promised him it wasn't bad. Every time he starts to believe him he remembers his cold, calculating eyes staring back at him across a battle zone, the world on fire. He remembers hearing him laugh before he lands the final blow.

Sunday morning brings Deku. He's looking worse for wear and so down that Katsuki feels bad for a second.

"I'm ready to show you. I'll tell you everything."

He allows himself to be guided across town, toward the pier. They're silent the whole way and Deku doesn't even try to hold his hand. He looks like absolute shit and Katsuki wonders what he's been doing all weekend.

Then he sees it. Dagoba beach is clean, not a single piece of trash blowing in the wind.

And immediately he knows exactly what secrets Deku is keeping.

"Deku," he says, his hand finally reaching out to grab Deku's hand.

"I was supposed to finish the day of the entrance exams, but I couldn't stand you not talking to me for another week. I cleaned the beach, Kacchan." Deku gave him a small, tired smile. He must have stayed up all night to finish early. Katsuki never finished before exam day in all his previous lives.

"Why?"

Katsuki knows why. He figures Deku's been agonizing over his speech though. May as well let him talk.

"My Quirk finally manifested. It's a power up type, but I'm still too weak to use it. And in pre-Quirk times this is how people helped out. It's community service but I'm also getting stronger."

Katsuki nods because he still can't quite find the words to voice what he's feeling. Losing One for All weighs heavily on Katsuki, and he let it come between him and his friend. Deku's hand feels strong and warm in his and it might've been comforting if Katsuki wasn't so angry. He feels cheated in a way he's never felt in all his lives. He was supposed be All Might's successor, his confidant, his legacy. And on top of all that, Katsuki feels emasculated. He's Deku's protector. What is he now that he has nothing real to offer Deku? What are they now that Deku can defend himself?

"You… you don't need me to protect you anymore."

He has One for All. He has All Might's Quirk… Katsuki's Quirk. How did everything get so screwed up? The panic sets in again as he starts to think of the sheer destruction Deku can and might possibly still one day bring with One for All. Will he have both Quirks this time around? Katsuki won't stand a chance. His death will surely be worse this time.

He's brought out of his panicked thoughts by a warm hand pulling him toward the beach. Deku's fingers thread lightly between his, interlocking together. It's new and more intimate, at least it is to Katsuki.

"Kacchan. You told me you'd always protect me. Can't I do the same for you?" Deku's voice is so low and sweet it's a whisper on the cold February wind.

"We can protect each other now," he says, his radiant smile the same as it was before Katsuki ruined their friendship over his own insecurity. It's nothing like the evil smirk he gives before his dying breath or the nervous secret-keeping smile he's shown him the last few months. Maybe this was the change he was supposed to make all along.

They're silent for a long time after Deku pulls him down with him to sit in the damp sand. It's far and away from the perfect day to be at the beach, but it's nice to be to good terms with his best friend even if they're both freezing.

"I'm still me and you're still you. We'll always be together now. At UA. We'll be heroes," Deku says and it's obvious he's never been happier.

Seeing Deku happy is a small reward for knocking his world of its axis. He has no idea where to go from here, but he figures he can exchange his prolific career for a little bit of Deku's happiness. He will still be a great hero without All Might's Quirk. Deku deserves his chance at glory, and if it keeps him away from the dark side it's all the better for everyone.

At some point Deku lays down on the sand with his head in Katsuki's lap. He's almost instantly asleep, and Katsuki runs his fingers through Deku's salt-crisped curls.

"I'm proud of you. Please don't make me regret it." His whispered words fall on deaf ears as they're carried away with the wind.

"1-A?" Katsuki agonized all weekend over something cool to say when Deku met him in front of his house for their first day at UA, and this is all he came up with. He's really feeling his age lately. His real age. Mentally, he's a grown ass man who's lived past puberty twice over, but every other part of him is a fifteen year old boy with a dizzying, frighteningly hormonal crush on his best friend. Deku's smile opens up to its full brightness as he nods, his messy curls bobbing around his head.

"1-A."

At least Deku's as much of a dork as he is. After Deku cleaned the beach, he started training with Katsuki. Mostly they run together. Two weeks ago, Deku had the audacity to take his shirt off after their run and Katsuki's brain—among other things—has been going haywire in his presence ever since. Even holding hands, something they were, by most people's standards, professionals at starts to be too much.

That said, Deku doesn't waste any time holding out his hand for Katsuki to take in his. They're both beet red and looking anywhere but at each other, but it's something. Deku hasn't held his hand the same way he did at the beach since and Katsuki has spent too much time thinking about it. Was it too much? Were they not close enough for that? Katsuki takes time to lament his situation. He's a sucker for Deku and it seems like he doesn't even know it.

"Are you excited?" Deku asks, sheepish and definitely still blushing.

"It's just school." Katsuki feels the need to be calm and collected. He can feel Deku's nervous energy seeping from his pores. Katsuki squeezes his hand to remind him that he's here and there's nothing to be nervous about.

"I'm nervous."

"No shit." Katsuki huffs half a laugh at the obvious statement.

"I just—" Deku starts and stops and shakes his head like that will clear away his anxious thoughts. His curls catch the morning light with the movement and Katsuki remembers how they felt in his hands as he watched Deku sleep on the beach. He waited for him to finish his sentence.

"I don't want it to be like middle school."

Katsuki frowns—more than usual. He hates that Deku's biggest fear is spending another three years of his life dodging bullies.

"Deku," Katsuki says, his voice unnaturally soft. Deku looks up at him for the first time since they started walking.

"Everyone's gonna love you."

His stomach did a weird flip flop at the word love. It isn't a word he says often—not in any of his lives—and it isn't something he says lightly. Katsuki feels his ears get hot when all Deku does is stare at him.

"And if they don't we can beat some sense into them. Don't forget I scored first place on that stupid test. None of the fuckers in our class can beat me," he says, trying to assert himself as Deku's bold, brash defender. He isn't a mushy schoolboy with a crush. He's Bakugo fuckin Katsuki and he needs to get a grip and start acting like it.

Katsuki's efforts are rewarded when Deku smiles, a blush still high on his cheeks. Katsuki never knew he had a thing for freckles until he saw them all over Deku's chest and shoulders. Now they're all he can focus on.

"My hero," Deku says, a light laugh trailing after his words. Katsuki's stomach flips again.

He's right. Everyone loves Deku. He's never had to share Deku's attention with anyone and he's surprised to find how jealous he is when Iida and Uraraka are immediately drawn to him. Even the people he always considered to be his closest friends aren't immune to his charms. He hates how much Deku blushes when Uraraka is close to him. In the first week of classes alone he manages to snap three pencils in half every time Deku is overwhelmed by her attention. Katsuki's trying not to pout about it. Deku's clearly happy.

"Deku come eat lunch with us today!" Uraraka says when the bell rings. Iida is close behind her. Deku gives her a smile as he thanks her for the invitation.

"I'm eating with Kacchan today. Maybe tomorrow?"

"You eat with him every day," she says, an unattractive pout starting to form on her lips. Is that what Katsuki looks like when he pouts? Ugh.

Before Deku can say anything else Katsuki sidles up to the group and grabs his hand in a possessive fashion. Katsuki wants to punch himself for the way he's acting, but he can't make himself stop.

"Don't you forget it, Round Face," Katsuki says, the sneer evident in his voice.

"Kacchan, be nice." Deku scolds him, but Katsuki's never been nice to anyone but Deku and he doesn't plan on starting today.

If Deku is surprised by Katsuki holding his hand in front of all their classmates, he doesn't show it. Everyone else seems to be. Uraraka can't stop looking at their joined hands and Katsuki's face like she doesn't know what to do with the information, like she doesn't believe someone as sweet as Deku could have a friend like Katsuki. He can't blame her really. He thinks of all those cute animal videos Deku is always sending him of big, scary pitbulls snuggling with kittens or ducklings.

They hold hands all the way to the cafeteria, the whole time Deku keeps shooting rueful glances at Katsuki.

"What?" he snaps. Deku giggles.

"You don't have to be jealous, Kacchan. You'll always be my best friend."

"Like I'd be jealous of Round Face and Glasses. Don't flatter yourself, Deku."

"You flatter me enough that I don't have to do it myself." His shit-eating grin makes Katsuki's skin crawl and his heart clench. He grumbles and let's go of his hand. He doesn't like to be teased. Not even by Deku.

"Smartass."

Their first class with All Might is a shit show. He remembers this class in his other lives, but it never stuck out to him as anything particularly eventful. This time he was pitted against Deku. To say that he was conflicted was an understatement. Deku is eager to prove himself just as much as Katsuki, but he knows he still has zero control over his Quirk. He doesn't want to go easy on Deku, but he also doesn't want to send him to the nurse's office.

"Don't you dare go easy on me, Kacchan," he says as if a transcript of Katsuki's thoughts is pouring out of his ears for Deku to read. When their eyes meet, Katsuki sees a fire in their green depths he's never seen before. It makes him nervous. It's different from the cold stare he sees before he dies, but the determination is the same.

"I wouldn't dream of it, nerd."

"You better not just be saying that. I earned my spot here just like you."

"You think I don't want to win? I thought you knew me better than that."

At that, Deku smiles. It's harder than usual, but it's not because he wants to fight Katsuki. He wants to win. He takes a second to memorize that smile because he knows he'll be sorely disappointed when Katsuki wins.

The exercise ends when Deku uses his Quirk to blow a hole in the building that spans three floors up. His arm is completely wrecked, and Katsuki can clearly see the the irritated skin from where he burned him with his Quirk. He hates that he caused those injuries, but he'd hate himself more if he didn't give Deku his all.

Deku collapses from the pain and Katsuki instinctively catches him, careful not to jostle his broken arm. He's not as mad about losing as he should be, but he's beyond pissed because Deku broke himself in order to win. Katsuki's supposed to protect Deku. How in the hell is he supposed to protect him from himself?

They took him. Right in front of Katsuki's eyes. He was so busy trying to protect himself—he's always the target—he didn't think to protect his Deku. And now his Deku is gone, and sporting two broken arms.

Katsuki can't help but feel he just witnessed the beginning of the end—of his end. The choice that'll end with Katsuki buried under the rubble in front of Tartarus. Is this when it happens? Is this how Deku becomes All for One's? If it is, if this is how it's supposed to be, fate is a fucking bitch. His chest hurts and he knows it has nothing to do with bruises or cuts. He wonders if this terrible phantom pain is enough to kill him. Maybe if it kills him he can wake up tomorrow and start again and keep Deku even closer. Close enough to hold and touch and kiss and keep away from the League forever.

"Bakugo," Todoroki says, and Katsuki feels a cold hand on his shoulder. When did he sit on the ground? When did the ambulances arrive?

He doesn't answer. He can't tear his eyes away from the spot where the warp gate closed. He doesn't have a voice to speak with anymore and even if he did his brain doesn't have the energy or oxygen to formulate a coherent thought.

"Bakugo, snap out of it. We'll get him back." Todoroki's voice isn't as cool and emotionless as it usually is and that makes his words less powerful. He doesn't really believe what he's saying and if he does he's an idiot. He doesn't know what Katsuki knows.

He looks at Todoroki and sees the pain behind his careful mask. He's had a crush on Deku since the Sports Festival. He was with Deku when he was taken too.

And then Katsuki remembers his other lives. He remembers how his friends saved him—and they didn't even like him as much as everyone likes Deku. If the roles were reversed like they were supposed to be, if he was taken, he knows Deku wouldn't rest until he found him.

"We have to get him back. You're going to help me." Katsuki's never been more determined in his life. Katsuki can't hold Deku's past lives against him anymore. He has to believe that the League won't get a chance to sink their teeth into him. Katsuki will find him, and when the time is right he'll save him. He's got the knowledge of old lives on his side. He knows where Deku will inevitably be when All Might and All for One have their last show down. He knows who he'll need with him to save him.

Katsuki never spared a thought on how terrifying it was for his friends when they saved him. He's huddled between two warehouse buildings with Todoroki, Iida, Yaoyorozu, and Kirishima. He knew he didn't need all of them for this plan but he couldn't keep them away from helping. They're heroes, after all. He's seen enough of their careers in other lives to know that. Iida was essential to the plan but he was grating on his every last nerve with his noble bullshit about rules.

"Bakugo, stop," Iida puts a strong arm in front of him, as if Katsuki dumb enough to jump into the fray, guns blazing. He might be if he didn't know what was supposed to happen. All he feels is agony as he watched Deku try to dodge all six of the League's lackeys with his broken arms. They don't have time to mince words.

"If you say something stupid, I will beat you fucking senseless."

"We can't fight them. This is too dangerous." Iida pushes up his glasses and his fake mustache quivers with the hard lines of his mouth. They all look ridiculous in their Kamino disguises and it makes it that much harder to take anyone seriously.

"No shit, Glasses. That's why I have a plan. We just need to get Deku out and get away from here. We don't need to fight. This is how it's gonna go down."

"Bakugo—" Todoroki starts, doing his best to mediate between a determined Iida and an out of his damn mind Katsuki.

"Shut up. This will work. Just fucking listen."

He goes over the plan, the same plan Yaoyorozu cooked up in another life with an ice ramp, a pair of roller skates, and the knowledge that Kirishima was the only person Bakugo could stand to be saved by. This time around he only needed the ice ramp, Glasses' Quirk, and Deku's attention. The fear that maybe Deku didn't want to be saved niggles at the back of his mind, but he pushes it away. This Deku is good, this Deku is a hero. This Deku would follow Katsuki anywhere.

The second the ice ramp is created, he climbs on Iida's back and they kick off the wall, propelled forward by both of their Quirks. At the height of their trajectory, Katsuki screams at Deku. He's too in the moment, too worried to care that he sounds ragged and desperate.

"Deku!"

When their eyes meet and Deku uses his Quirk to jump at Katsuki, he's so relieved he could cry. Deku's arms are still broken and wrapped in Uraraka's hastily made splints. He flies right at them, knocking them roughly off their trajectory. He cries out at the pain of his useless arms flailing and Katsuki wraps a strong arm around his middle, and does his best to use his Quirk in his other arm to slow their fall.

"Kacchan," Deku says and he knows that Deku is crying. His own unshed tears sting his eyes when they meet. They haven't even hit the ground yet but Katsuki is flooded with joy that the rescue went off without a hitch.

He's the same Deku. He's not been brainwashed or Nomu'd or any of the other scenarios that have been running rampant through Katsuki's mind in the past few days. Katsuki braces for impact, fully letting go of Iida to cover Deku like a hand grenade. Iida can break his own fall; Deku is the only thing that matters.

The impact hits him hard in the back and knocks the breath out of him as he takes the brunt of it for Deku's sake.

"Kacchan, are you okay?" Deku sounds so tired. He can't even push himself off Katsuki. The body on top of his is heavy as lead and Iida recovers quickly to help Deku off him.

"I'm just glad you're okay," Katsuki says, very aware of the fact that it's the same thing Deku said they day he saved him from the sludge monster. Okay was a gross overestimation of Deku's condition, but at least he was alive. Deku give him a tired smile in response, his eyes half-lidded. Katsuki's afraid he'll pass out before they can get him to a hospital.

"Kacchan," Deku says. He's been asleep in his hospital bed for hours and Katsuki refused to leave his side. At some point he dozed off with his hand in Deku's and his head pillowed on the side of his bed.

"Hey," Katsuki says, gruff and emotional. He hopes Deku can't tell.

"Thank you for saving me. I was—" a breath that sounds suspiciously like a sob cuts through his words, "I was really scared."

"Don't thank me yet. I'll probably be expelled. Aizawa is pissed."

"Any hero school would be lucky to have you," he says, genuine. He's always so genuine and it makes Katsuki's stomach clench.

"You know how dangerous it is to keep inflating my ego like that?" Katsuki smiles. Usually, Deku is the one injecting all the levity in their conversations. It's odd to be the one keeping the conversation light, steering it in the right direction. Deku's laugh is wet and shaky, but it's still a laugh. Katsuki thinks how lucky he is to still be able to hear it.

It's a quiet Saturday in the dorms. They're eighteen now, in their last semester of UA, and the League hasn't acted up since All for One's escape from Tartarus nearly a year ago. Katsuki knows all too well that he'll make an appearance again in the form of another, his Quirk probably passed to Shigaraki already. He hasn't feared for Deku's safety in a while. It's nice not to constantly be thinking about the angry, evil Deku from his other lives. This Deku is the only one on his mind.

Deku lays across the couch in the common room, taking up way more than his fair share of couch space, his head pillowed in Katsuki's lap while he reads one of his textbooks. Katsuki's supposed to be reading too, but he can't focus on the words. His eyes keep wandering towards Deku.

When Deku notices he sets the book down on the ground and smiles ruefully at Katsuki.

"What's on your mind?" he asks. Not for the first time in this life Katsuki is tempted to tell him everything. But how could he even begin to describe all their other lives?

"You ever think about how different your life would be without One for All?"

Deku spilled the beans about the origin of his Quirk toward the end of their first year. He was astonished that Deku trusted him enough to let him in on the secret. When he was the keeper of that secret, he never told anyone. All Might knows too. It's still odd to interact with All Might. He has to pretend he wasn't once the holder of his legendary Quirk, has to pretend he wasn't one of his closest confidants. It hurts to sacrifice that relationship.

"Sometimes, but more often than not I think about how different my life would be without you."

Katsuki doesn't understand how Deku can just say these things without a second thought. It's like he doesn't know how it makes Katsuki feel.

"What about it?"

"I used to have nightmares about us not being friends. You acting like you hate me. About me feeling so desperate and lonely and angry. Every night I would go to sleep and dream of doing horrible things. It all felt so real that I tried to stop sleeping for a while."

"When did this happen? Why didn't you tell me?"

"It was while I was training for the entrance exam."

"Oh," he says. Deku doesn't have to tell him why he kept quiet about the dreams. Katsuki was already so on edge about losing One for All and what secrets Deku kept. Truly, if Deku actually told him Katsuki might have fully lost his mind to his intense paranoia about the future.

Deku remembers his past lives; he just doesn't know it. And he's haunted by them.

Part of him wants to talk to Deku about the life he's living, and the lives he's left behind. He wants to speak plainly about his fears about the other Dekus and his intense feelings for this Deku. He's too afraid to ruin what they have. What they have is magic. He wouldn't trade it for anything. He's lived enough lives to know that it could all be over in a second if he changes the wrong thing. He can't be greedy with Deku's affection. He was more than happy to bask in what Deku already gives him so freely.

"I'm happiest when I'm with you, Kacchan. You make me stronger. I know we're supposed to stick together."

"It's always been you and me against the world. I don't plan on changing that now."

Katsuki never had this in his other lives, not with anyone. He always considered himself a lone wolf—just like All Might. So high above everyone else he didn't need a teammate. He knows now that he was wrong. Nothing compares to this.

Deku tilts his head back to get a good look at Katsuki. His eyes are soft and kind and shiny with the beginnings of tears. His smile makes Katsuki's face hot. Deku turns his whole body toward Katsuki from where he lays and he hugs him around his waist. He can feel Deku's nose rubbing against the hard muscle of his abdomen.

It's a wonder than Deku can touch Katsuki so casually, so lovingly, like he's something precious. It makes his heart ache for more. He settles for running his fingers through his soft, green curls until Deku pulls away and Katsuki can finally draw a full breath.

Katsuki never considered himself a happy person, not even in his first life—the life he has when he was unencumbered by the knowledge of his endless loop. But he is. He's happy. This is his favorite life thus far and it's all because of Deku. Katsuki stops doubting Deku—he stopped a long time ago. There was too much love between them—love, he thinks. Yes, he loves him. He doesn't know much about love and all it's levels but he knows that they love each other in some way. He knows that Deku would never hurt him. He knows that the Deku from his old lives will never haunt him in this one.

He doesn't know how it happened but one of his hands ended up in Deku's hair and the other is against his cheek and the way Deku is smiling at him should be illegal. Deku's hand comes up to cup Katsuki's as he leans into his warm palm.

This is perfect, he thinks. If there was every a time to tell Deku how he feels—and there's been many over the years—this is it. He takes a breath to say something, the something, when Ashido and Uraraka burst through the doors of the common room. Both Katsuki and Deku jump at the intrusion and burst apart.

As if nothing happened, they go back to studying. Still, Katsuki feels just a little bit closer to Deku. He didn't think that was possible, but this Deku is always surprising him.

Tartarus prison is on fire again. He's 23 and he's not ready to say goodbye to this life and for the first time he's scared to die. And he's so confused because this time Deku is beside him when he hears the news, beside him as they leave the agency to help, beside him as he walks to his death.

"Hey," Deku says before they're fully out of the agency. There's no time for words. Everyone around them is so full of urgency, running like the world will end. Maybe it will. Maybe the world always ends when Katsuki dies and he just isn't around to know it. He lets himself be pulled back by Deku's hand, grasps it like they don't have places to be, villains to capture.

"Everything will be alright as long as we're together," Deku says. He's said that a lot during his fourth life and Katsuki actually started to believe it. Deku pulls him close, closer than they've ever been and Katsuki wonders why this is the first time they've really held each other—not a hug, or a shield to protect the other from harm. Just because they can and they want to.

They'd never been just friends but they'd also never been more. Why did Katsuki waste so much of this life? He only has so much time left, maybe a few hours. He's tired of wasting miracles, so before either of them can waste anymore time he kisses Deku full on the mouth with the same urgency that's propelling everyone around him towards chaos. Deku doesn't waste any time kissing him back and he's so thankful he could cry.

He was right about Shigaraki.

Shigaraki is the holder of All for One's Quirk. In all his other lives he was just a high-level lackey with a quick temper and a slow mind. He's more now. He's evil incarnate and he's powering up before his eyes the same way Deku used to—twisting and contorting until he hardly looks human.

He takes one last look at Deku before everything goes to hell. Deku's looking at him too and flashing a sure, determined smile at him. He nods and they both know it's time.

The two of them together, fighting side by side is what finally brings All for One to an end. Katsuki is still alive when Shigaraki falls and he can't hardly believe it. He finally changed enough to save himself, to save Deku.

Or so he thought.

He turns with the most glee he's ever felt to congratulate Deku and praise his strength and kiss him in front of the entire world, villains be damned, when he sees Deku on the ground. He runs to him, to save him and keep him with him. They're supposed to be together. Always. This isn't how it's supposed to happen. Winning has never felt so awful.

Deku is in the worst shape he's ever seen. He's never broken the bones in his legs so badly. His femur is sticking out of a long bloody gash and Katsuki can't breathe. He's impaled on two twisted pieces of rebar and his green hero suit is almost purple with the leaking bloodstains. There's so much blood and some part of Katsuki knows there's no saving him.

"Kacchan," Deku says. His voice is a weak rasp as the life spills out of him and for the first time in all his lives Katsuki feels utterly useless. This is worse than losing to All for One. This is worse than dying.

He grabs Deku's hand because it's all he can do. He pushes his singed hair off his lovely freckled face because he has to be able to see his electric green eyes while there's still some life left in them. He can't talk. The rasping, shaking sobs are the only sounds that come out of him when he tries.

"You have to eat this. Right now."

Deku is bleeding out in front of him, so weak and pale but his eyes are still alive. His shaking hand holds out a chunk of his singed hair and Katsuki knows exactly what he means.

"No," Katsuki says. He doesn't want it. Not anymore. All he wants is Deku. All he wants is to die and wake up tomorrow and try again.

"You have to. One for All can't end with me and you're the only person I could ever trust with it." He thrusts the hair into Katsuki's hand with all his strength, the movement causing the holes in his abdomen to twist and tear around the jagged metal and leak further. Deku coughs and blood is trickling from his chin.

"Hurry, Kacchan. It's—" another cough, another spray of blood, "it's dying. I can feel it dying."

He's dying. And all he can do is watch. There's a piece of him in One for All and at least he'll live on in Katsuki this way. He remembers meeting all the successors in some in-between world a life ago. Seeing him again is the only reason he'd ever take One for All from him. He forces the hair down his dry throat between choking sobs. It tastes like earth and rust and smoke—Deku, blood, and fire.

"Thank you, Kacchan. Love you."

With those words, Katsuki finds his voice again.

"I love you. We're supposed to be together. Always. That's what you said! You can't leave me," Katsuki says. He's half-mad, nearly screaming in a dying man's face.

"Always, always." Deku closes his eyes and gives the best smile he can, and then he's gone. Unlike Deku, Katsuki isn't satisfied with one always. Not even two.

Deku is gone and Katsuki knows neither of them will wake up tomorrow twenty years younger. He knows the loop is closed and his chances have run out. He knows fate is cruel and it hits him that this was always supposed to be how it ends. Katsuki with One for All, Deku in a heap of his own blood.

Together, but always separate.

It always started and ended with Deku.

Epilogue

Yesterday, Katsuki was old. His hair was grey and his skin wrinkled and his body breaking down from years of hero work. He was tired and hurting and now… he's something else.

Katsuki wakes up in a nice Chicago apartment. It's mostly white but the room is alive with sprigs of green houseplants and the large windows show a rainy foggy morning. Izuku sits in the bed next to him sketching in a rough leather book. They came here to get married and never left and now they were collaborating on a comic book about superheroes. Izuku's hair is longer, his curls falling nearly to his shoulders and he wears round wire rimmed glasses. The frames sit right on his freckles and make them even more noticeable. Katsuki is different too. His hair is shorn at the sides—undercut.

"Deku?"

"Good morning, sleepy head. You haven't called me that in years."

"Is this a dream? Are you real?"

"How—how old are we?"

"Twenty three. Just like we were yesterday."

"Are we… together?"

Izuku gives him an odd look. It's almost sympathetic and worried, but mostly it's incredulous. But then he smiles and closes is book. After he sets it on the night stand he moves to straddle Katsuki, caging him in against the headboard. Izuku's hands cup his face, and that's when he notices the ring on his left hand. He pulls him into an achingly sweet kiss before Katsuki can check his own ring finger, but he has a hunch that he'd find a matching set.

"How many times do I have to tell you? We'll always be together."

"Right. Always, always."

"Nope. I'm gonna need at least five always-es if you're going to keep being this weird." Izuku's smile was always something special, but this one made Katsuki's entire being sing. He'd never take it for granted again.

Five always-es for five lives.

"I love you."

"I love you too, Katsuki."

"Call me Kacchan. Please."

"Feeling nostalgic?"

"Something like that."